One moment I did not exist, then the next moment I was lying on the floor, tears were rolling down my face, and I was staring at a ceiling I had never seen before. Yet, even as I glanced around, I found that I knew this room. There were things I already knew about this place that I could not have known: the television was brand new and perfect for watching movies, the three couches were extremely comfortable, the kitchen was just a few steps away for easy snack retrieval, and the purple rug beneath the coffee table was a weird aesthetic choice. It was such an uncanny feeling to be familiar with this place and to also experience it for the first time. Slowly, I realized that I had not technically been anywhere else before. I tried pulling in a deep breath and instead all I achieved was a drawn-out sob.
"Lucas?" a voice broke into my tumultuous thoughts, and my eyes refocused to find a spectacled brunet squatting and looking at me with a curious and worried expression. He was keeping a somewhat reasonable distance from me, but it still felt like looming. I noticed that his gray button-up shirt was askew and jeans had dirt on them. His name immediately came to me: Chris. Along with his name many other things about him flowed into my mind. He was a thoughtful friend, fiercely competitive, razor sharp when it came to academics, and his parents were loaded.
Wait.
The name he just called me made no sense. Who was Lucas? Chris sure seemed to think that I was Lucas and that was absolutely not my name.
I tried to push myself upright, but I was wrapped tightly in a warm blanket. A distant notion of the waves of cold that had washed over my body reminded me why I had wrapped myself in the blankets to begin with. My blue hooded sweatshirt had not been enough to keep me warm. More echoed memories from before my existence. After a short moment of struggle, I managed to free my arms and push myself upright.
How did I even get here? I could recall the not-me from before biking here in a near panic. After that a very strange thing happened, though maybe it was two things at the same time? I dug deeper, trying my best to figure out how I knew these things and instead I found a vision of two people, neither of which were me, in a huge, bright, empty space. The moment somehow contained both people's perspectives, which was only more confusing.
I had to get my bearings. I thought about where I was and it came to me easily. This was Chris's house, in the town of Thread Creek, in the state of Michigan, in the country the United States, on the planet Earth. Today was Friday, February the twenty-seventh and it was very late at night; maybe it was already so late that it was now Saturday. I inspected my hand and even with tear-clouded eyes I could tell the skin was pale. Some fraction of me insisted iridescent blue, green, purple, or another fanciful color was what it should be instead. A yet different part of me rejected that these were my hands because the fingers were too slender. Both of those parts of me were wrong.
"Lucas, Are you okay?" Chris said with fright now mixed into the worry from before.
I was certain I was not Lucas and I had no idea how to even respond. Returning to my assessment of myself brought me more information: I was an eighteen-year-old woman and about to finish my last year of high school. This did not make a lot of sense since "being eighteen" did not really correlate with the "beginning of my existence", but I moved on. There was a name that felt exactly right so as soon as it came to me, I blurted it out.
"Laura," I tossed the name into the world as a declaration and as a rebuke.
"Give him some space. He's been through way too much tonight," said a new voice. He was around my age, though much larger both in height and stature with short and messy brown hair. My brain immediately supplied the name Dan and added that he was on the school's football team. My eyes lingered on his muscular forearms as his words bounced around in my head. Chris stood up and he was absolutely now looming over me.
"Chris, seriously, back up," said the third and last person in the room. According to my internal oracle, her name was Sarah. Her long red hair was complimented by a light turquoise blouse and jeans featuring holes in the knees and along one thigh. At Sarah's insistence Chris backed away and dropped heavily onto the couch. I felt my muscles release the tension I did not even realize I was holding and I focused on my breathing with my eyes closed.
I tried to unearth that image of two figures. As it came back to me, I forced myself to recreate a clear picture of their faces. After a few seconds, the names finally came to me: Lucas and Aurora. Why could I see both their perspectives?
"Where is Aurora?" I asked, my voice was quieter than I intended. They clearly had no idea what had happened to Lucas so asking about him would be pointless.
"She's not still in your head?" Dan said, surprised.
"The last thing she said was: 'You'll only hurt yourself'. Then she faded away." Chris said as he searched my face. "Do you know what she meant by that?"
I stood up by bracing myself on the table in the center of the room. The three of them conspicuously looked me over which made me feel like some sort of museum exhibit, so I nervously crossed my arms.
"She was in my head?" I said uneasily. The other's expressions all drifted to confusion or worry. "Why are all of you looking at me like that?"
"Lucas, you should sit down. Aurora did something to you," Chris said motioning to the couch opposite the television hanging on the wall.
"My name is Laura," I said with frustration as I took a seat. Dan jolted, leaning forward on the couch, and a frown slowly appeared on his face.
They still thought I was Lucas. If Aurora had done something to me that could explain having weird visions as her, but then why was I having them as Lucas too? Why were they looking at each other with such intensity? It occurred to me that these were Lucas's friends, and I knew them all exactly as he had. I pushed further into not-me's past looking for anything else to explain. First there was a conspicuous haze of nothing and then it was like a dam broke. My mind roiled across a collection of haphazard memories which were not my own. A pile of assorted knowledge and experiences slammed into me. I clutched my head as they bombarded me and I was unable to stop it, barely able to slow the torrent down. Some memories were from an entity that was not even human, a spirit who appeared as woman, but with turquoise skin layered with a kaleidoscope of other colors. She had been named Aurora. The rest of the images and events were from a boy named Lucas. I had been dumped directly into the world with memories that were not my own.
Lucas had been an eighteen-year-old about to finish high school and he was planning to take a gap year to earn money for college. He didn't have a degree picked out yet and he told everyone that he was going to figure it out later.
"Sarah, we need to talk," Dan said and briskly walked out of the room. Sarah flashed an apologetic look at me as she followed him out of the room. I could feel the tears coming back again as her footsteps echoed down the hallway.
"Laura," Chris said and faltered. He looked uncertain and then sat down next to me on the couch. He resumed after taking a deep breath, "You were yelling at her, at Aurora, after you changed."
"Changed?" I said through the new bout of tears.
"Well, your hair for one. It grew like crazy," Chris said. "Your voice, too. And, uh, other stuff. Is that why you," he paused, his eyes darted away, and he continued, "picked that name?"
"It is perfect. It is me." I mumbled between sobs.
Lucas's body had been nothing like mine, which was yet more evidence that he was not me. I skimmed through more of his life to confirm and felt exactly like I was digging through someone else's head. I do not think he would have approved.
But wait, right at the end there was something. A sharp cold, a feeling of twisting and grinding without pain. A profound sense of everything being wrong. Lucas's body had been transformed into the one I had now. And I did not exist yet. It explained why everyone here expected me to be Lucas, and I was not sure I could tell them the sickening truth. I was not Lucas. He was gone. All that remained of him was within me as memories. It was the only explanation I had even if I did not understand how it happened.
Earlier tonight, a few hours ago at the creek, Dan had been a bit of a jerk. His entire demeanor had shifted after we were visited by ghosts and attacked by monsters. He blossomed under pressure and seemed so relieved to drop his walls and be the person we all needed to carry us through the crisis. Yet again, I had to remind myself that I did not exist during those events and those memories were from another person. From Lucas.
I remembered Lucas talking with Aurora. He enjoyed the power she gave him, and Lucas wielded it to create swords and lances made from ice and held strong and sharp by magic. These two people felt so real in those recent memories I nearly expected to be able to talk to them in my mind. As the memories faded it was clear neither of them persisted. The loss of the two people I knew most intimately was utterly crushing. It was only me in my head; only Laura and I was totally alone.
There were two paths forward from here: I could adopt a rough copy of Lucas's persona from his memories and lie to his friends about what had just happened or tell them the truth and hope they accepted me. I was sure I could still dig myself out of the things I had said so far if I had to. Even if they were not my friends, I desperately wanted them to be. I could still feel the warmth of years of their affection even if the memories were not mine. If I were in their position, then I would want this new person to tell the truth. I could not begin my life by immediately betraying them. I had to tell them that their friend was gone. I was deeply terrified.
Sarah and Dan were still gone when I emerged from my huddled position on the couch. The room was quiet with the only sound coming from a distant clock which chimed the hour with two distant strikes. It was Saturday already.
Eventually I managed to say, "Chris, I need to tell you something." I made sure I had his attention, cleared my throat, and said as clearly as I could, "I have their memories. Lucas's and Aurora's. But I am not either of them."
"Then what?" Chris's voice was brittle and thin, trailing off before he fully said the question.
That moment when Lucas was pushing on his bond with Aurora flashed through my mind. The memories were suffused with pain from the bond, a feeling of betrayal directed at Aurora, and a fierce wrongness regarding his own body. Lucas hated what had been done to him and he had lashed out at her. Aurora had a partial theory of why it happened, but nothing concrete enough that I could even put it to words. I pushed the memory down and away. I needed to focus.
"Aurora completed the bond which made it easier to give Lucas her power," I said flatly. "Then he made a mistake and caused them to," I paused looking for the right word, "combine? I am not sure how to even describe it." I stammered, "Now I am here."
"And my friend?"
I had a chance here, but I could so easily screw it up.
"Gone and also still here, just a bit different?"
Chris leaned away from me on the couch, but I was unsure if he even knew he was consciously doing it. I quickly added, "If you'll still be my friend, I mean. Okay, maybe I am a lot different."
A wave of drowsiness hit me, and I slumped over from my sitting position on the couch. I mumbled, "I do not want to go back to Lucas's house yet. I am just going to stay here tonight." The exhaustion from the day's events finally extracting its toll from me.
"You should sleep. Tonight has been insane," Chris said as he put a cushion under my head.
My tired and drifting eyes landed on Sarah's face as she came back into the room, but I was unsure what exactly to say. She asked me a question, but I heard only dull emptiness. Sleep dug its way into me, and I surrendered to its call.
-*-
"Laura," a voice pushed into my consciousness, "You've been asleep for half the day."
"Mmmpfff," I managed.
"I know you went through a lot yesterday, but you really should get up and eat something." I could tell it was Sarah speaking to me and I pried my eyes open to look for the others. For now, it seemed like only Sarah was here.
"You are right," I mumbled as I pushed myself away from the warm pillow. I immediately wanted to go back.
"I've already been out to town and back. I got some stuff for you which should make you a bit more comfortable," Sarah said as she handed me a shopping bag full of bras. "Those are all different sizes, so you'll have to figure out which one fits."
"Oh! I guess I do need these. Thanks." I gave Sarah a smile and she quickly followed with one of her own. "I have not even gotten a good look at myself yet. I mean, I know what Lucas looked like."
"Laura, you should use Laura to refer to your past self." Sarah said in a reassuring tone.
"Huh," I hesitated, "I guess Chris did not explain."
"He told us that you picked a new name. I'm glad you found yourself," Sarah said with a smile.
"I am not Lucas," I blurted. "I have his and Aurora's memories though." I had to tell her. There was no other option. As I said it, a rush of adrenaline spiked through me and I was suddenly fully awake.
"What?" Sarah took a step back as her smile vanished, "I don't understand."
"Lucas and Aurora are gone. I am what is left." I had to force the words out.
"What do you mean by 'Lucas is gone'?" Sarah's voice filled with notes of anger and worry. I had to consider my next words very carefully. Sarah stared directly at me the entire time.
"Lucas tried to destroy the bond with Aurora after she transformed him. He panicked. Lucas attacked the bond with all his strength and he succeeded. He collapsed the bond inward and destroyed it completely." I paused since this is where the memories started to become more confusing as they piled directly on top of each other.
"I do remember Aurora saying something about the bond before she faded away." Sarah mumbled.
"Collapsing the bond did not separate them, it caused their minds to collide. Everything after that stops making sense." I willed myself to push on, "My next clear memory is waking up with Lucas and Aurora gone and all three of you staring at me."
"So, Lucas is gone?" She said it with such finality before dropping onto the couch to my left. She put her face in her hands and shuddered. I could tell she was crying even as she stifled the sound.
"Sarah, I am really sorry, but you had to know the truth," I spoke, as I tried my best to stay calm.
"This is so fucked up," Sarah muttered. I looked down at my clenched hands and kept the tears at bay.
"What about Aurora?" Sarah spoke but her voice was subtly different. Aurora's memories instantly picked out the voice as Cronoa's. Cronoa was Sarah's bonded spirit partner, and she was talking through her host.
"I have her memories, but all that remains is me," I said with sadness evident in my voice. After a pause I added: "Corona, I am sorry you lost your colleague. And Sarah, I am sorry you lost one of your best friends."
"So, he is sort of still part of you then, too? Even if he is gone?" Sarah asked, her face clearly showing her smoldering frustration.
"Yeah. It is like I am two halves stitched together," I mused. In a failed attempt at a laugh, I exhaled sharply and then struggled not to cough after so much crying.
"Lucas could have only done something like this if he fully removed all of the barriers around his own mind," Corona said.
"I do not think he understood what he was doing. He was trying anything he could to remove the bond," I muttered.
"He must have had his own magic, then," Corona speculated.
"Yes," I confirmed. Whatever Lucas had done was wild and unstructured, driven by fear and frustration. Aurora's cold and calculated uses of will seemed to be worlds apart in comparison.
"How do we know you're not lying?" Sarah asked.
"If I was lying, then would I not just say I was Lucas and that I was changing my name to Laura? Is that what I should have done?" I said desperately.
"I can tell you are acting differently," Corona said. "Also, your aura has changed. Part of it resembles Aurora, the rest is Lucas's, and I sense no presence of a bond. It is very peculiar. Very unsettling."
"I know this is a lot to take in, but I really need some friends right now. I knew that I had to tell you the truth because I cannot deal with this alone. I know you, Chris, and Dan were Lucas's friends and not mine, but--" my speech was cut off as Sarah grabbed me and pulled me into a strong hug. I could not hold back any longer and the tears began to flow again.
"I'll be your friend Laura. None of this is your fault." Sarah's voice was comforting even though she was sobbing just as hard as me.
"Thanks Sarah. If I could just be Lucas I would, but I just cannot. I am so sorry," I wailed.
"It's okay. I would never ask you to be anything but yourself," Sarah consoled between deep breaths. After a few moments she released her hug and continued, "Don't forget about the things I got you."
"Thanks again," I said, laughing despite my tears. "You are accepting me? Just like that?"
"Corona thinks this entire mess shouldn't have been possible at all. Especially Aurora bonding with Lucas in the first place. And still, all of that happened and Corona believes you, so I believe you," Sarah said with a ring of finality to it.
"Uhhh, what?" I asked suddenly lost. It was too abrupt. I must be missing something. What else did she and Corona talk about?
"Dan might need some more convincing though. I'll be back. I just need some air," Sarah said. She walked to the front door, and I distantly heard it open and then shut behind her. For now, a flicker of hope lit inside me because I had a friend.
Sarah had lost at least four classmates I knew of: Jessica, William, Jordan and now Lucas. After losing Aurora group was down to just the remaining two guardians: Corona and Dan's guardian Chromos. Without Aurora the group was now much weaker. The enemies they fled on Friday night at the creek had been overwhelming in number and they had just barely fought them off. I might not have been present when Lucas, Sarah, and Dan each agreed to protect the town from the monster threat, but I was still going to do my best to help my friends. But how exactly could I help them without Aurora? I sifted through my memories looking for an answer. Lucas had wielded Aurora's power, using it to summon a sharpened sword-like icicle and I could still see the movements and feel that power.
Copying the motions as best as I could, I focused on that same energy Lucas had pulled from back then. Instantly a fully formed spike of ice coalesced into existence with my right hand clutching its makeshift hilt. On some level I had fully expected the magic to still work, but it was still a surprise, and I immediately dropped the weapon. I was somehow still able to use Aurora's power. The ice began to rapidly melt and sublimate now that the magic holding it together was released. Casting that spell was effortless. The drain that Lucas had felt while wielding Aurora's power at the river was totally gone. That was simultaneously reassuring and terrifying. At least now I was confident I could help my friends.