Ethan was tempted to avoid the fourth floor.
Not because he was afraid of any of them, not even close, but even on a TV screen Leonard and the rest could be exhausting.
Right after a breakup, he would be even worse.
But he made a promise to himself while enjoying his time with Charlie, and he would follow that.
He knocked on the door, and it immediately opened, with an out-of-breath Leonard on the other side.
“You are not Penny,” he said, sounding just exhausted rather than angry.
Ethan wondered about it, then realized that Leonard was unaware of how many moves he made to sabotage his relationship.
A doomed relationship, as even in the show, they broke up and got together after two long years later, but still.
“I can always dye my hair blonde and stuff a couple of oranges into my shirt,” he offered.
“Please don’t.
I can’t handle the nightmares,” he said, but he smiled, which was already in progress.
He entered.
Before he could enter, his bedroom door opened, and Sheldon appeared.
Tall, thin, radiating the charm of a praying mantis, his gaze cataloging him.
“You’re the downstairs neighbor,” Sheldon said.
It was not a greeting.
It was a classification.
“Ethan.
We haven’t formally met.”
“We haven’t formally met because I don’t formally meet people without an appointment.
Informal meetings are acceptable on Tuesdays between two and two-fifteen, which this is not.”
“It’s an emergency intervention for Leonard’s emotional wellbeing.”
Sheldon paused for a moment.
“Acceptable exception,” he said and went back to his room.
“Wow, how did you do that?” Howard asked, fascinated.
“I’m good with people,” Ethan said.
Raj intervened.
“Dude.
He’s not a person.
He’s … Sheldon.”
“Then, I’m good with people and Sheldon,” he responded.
They looked like their show counterparts, t-shirt and jeans for Leonard, a weird turtleneck and belt combo for Howard, and a promisingly well-chosen shirt and vest combo for Raj, assuming his intention was to play the cute scientist angle.
“By the way, gentlemen, I’m Ethan.”
“We heard your name.
The photographer.
I’m Howard, and this is Raj.”
“I’m assuming Penny talked to you,” Leonard said.
“Let me guess, you’re bringing the breakup note.”
“I’m sure that it’s not a part that requires my intervention, does it?
Not after you somehow managed to propose to her while fighting.”
Leonard’s jaw tightened.
Howard paused.
Raj spoke first.
“Dude, even I know that’s a terrible move.”
Leonard sighed.
“You’re right, I blew it.” Then, he looked at him.
“Sorry about not listening to your recommendation about the drink as well.
Humiliating myself didn’t help either.”
“Now, I had a talk with Penny about her perspective, and told her my honest opinion.
Would you like hear the same, or should I just pat your shoulder.”
“Would it make me depressed?”
“Maybe.
But it might prevent you from ruining your next relationship.”
“Hey, I’m not that bad in relationships … am I?” he asked.
Howard and Raj’s silence was pointed.
“Alright, hit me.
It’s not like I can feel worse,” he said.
“Fine, let’s start with the positives.
First of all, on paper, you’re actually a catch.
You’re smart, you’re quick-witted, I would say above-average looking minus the horrible, horrible fashion sense, and gainfully employed as one of the leading figures in your area.”
“If I’m such a good catch, why did she dump me?”
“Above all else, you tried to supercharge a relationship without stopping to actually live it,” he said.
“I’s guessing, you never try to understand her either.”
“I understood her perfectly.”
“You had an image of her, and an image of what she could be.
That’s not the same thing.
Tell me, do you even know why she actually wants to be an actress, enough to spend four years of her life working a job she hates?”
“Become famous?” he said, then realized that he was just guessing.
His face went through a compressed version of the grief cycle.
“Damn.
I think you have a point.”
He patted his shoulder.
“To your credit, I don’t think you weren’t the only one that made the same mistake.
Penny probably went through a similar process, particularly during summer when you were away.
Were you really in Antarctica, or was Penny messing with me?”
“We really were,” Raj said.
“It was horrible.”
The silence stretched, which he didn’t try to break.
Sometimes silence helped.
“Any advice so I don’t ruin my next relationship,” Leonard said with a defeated tone.
It was clearly a joke.
He slid his chair closer.
“Actually, I won’t mind teaching all three of you how to actually interact with women.
Because let me tell you, you guys clearly need it.
Think of it as my own version of a plate full of brownies.”
“Yes, please,” Raj said immediately.
Leonard perked up, actually interested, though it might be him looking for a distraction after his failure.
“Hey, I don’t need any help.
I’m a master of seduction,” Howard said.
Ethan immediately pressed his fingers to his nose, wondering whether he was making a mistake.
“Really?
Tell me, what’s your current approach?”
Howard straightened in his chair with the enthusiasm of a student who had been called on and was confident in his answer.
“Check this out.” He reached into his messenger bag and produced a pair of fabric sleeves filled with fake tattoos.
“Fake tattoo sleeves?” Ethan said.
“That’s your genius approach?”
“Hey, they are there to attract goth girls.
Don’t knock them out.
Most guys are intimidated by the aesthetic, which means less competition.
I show up at a goth bar, roll up with these bad boys, maybe some eyeliner, and I’m in.”
Ethan looked at the sleeves.
Looked at Howard.
Looked at the sleeves again.
“Where did you learn this?”
“Well, most of it is independent research,” Howard said.
“Come on, Howard, cite your sources.”
“Hey, that’s nerd stuff.
You can’t be cool and handsome and also know about nerd stuff.
It’s not fair.”
“Raj, I graduated from college.
You guys have actual PhDs.”
“Not Howard,” he immediately picked up, and they sent mocking glances, and Howard frowned playfully.
Sounded mean, but it was probably the nerd equivalent of roughhousing.
“He only has a masters degree.”
“If your nerdy dick-measuring contest is over,” he teased, and they blushed.
“Sources.”
Howard hesitated.
“Some of it is from the movies.
All the romcoms.”
“So your romantic education comes from the female equivalent of action movies and hoping to learn how to fight?”
“Not just those.
I also read.
The Game.
Mystery Method.
The Truth.
A few others.”
Ethan set down his beer.
“Pickup artist books?” Howard nodded.
“These are faith healing for cancer treatment, only the cancer is loneliness.”
The room fell silent.
Coming from someone else, Howard might have dismissed it, but from him…
“Are you saying they don’t work?”
“Of course not.
They make money selling the hope, just like faith healers.
And, if they don’t work, there’s always the next book, the next workshop, the next conference, teaching you that if you can insult a woman just the right way, they will end up in your bed.”
“Some of the techniques work,” Howard protested.
“Some prayers are followed by remissions. Enjoying the story? Read on at g.com.
Correlation isn’t causation,” he replied, knowing the scientific statement would work.
Raj paused.
“Dude.
You can’t defeat us with science.
It’s like … cheating.”
“Think of me as Apollo Creed, then.
I beat you, then I teach you.
But, you can’t treat connection like some kind of prescribed drug.
It’s just about understanding the person across you, and having a genuine connection with them, whether that brief connection is about having fun dancing half an hour before a one-night stand that you never see each other ever again, or baring souls before marrying, searching for happily ever after.”
Howard still seemed to be reluctant.
“I mean, how do we even know that you’re worth listening to?
How many women did you even sleep with?”
The other two perked up at the question as well.
“That kind of question is problematic on its own,” he said.
“But, just to shut you guys up, I’m going to tell you, because I don’t want this to stretch even further while I prove my point.
You guys are lucky that I promised Penny I’ll help.”
“Fine.
Just spill.”
“Four,” he said.
Then, he paused, and decided to be honest.
“Well, four and a half, because one climaxed, but there was no penetration.”
Howard scoffed.
“Four, just four.
Even I had sex with three.
We’re not that different,” Howard bragged.
Even Raj and Leonard seemed disappointed.
Ethan sighed.
“Today.
Howard.
That’s the number for today.
Since dawn, to be precise.
It goes to five and a half if we count twenty-four hour period.” Leonard tensed.
“And, no, it wasn’t Penny.
I went to a club and met with a friend,” he whispered to Leonard, who looked relieved.
He decided to keep the blowjob to himself.
No need to ruin the guy completely.
“I don’t believe you,” Howard said.
He sighed as he pulled his phone, and showed a picture he took from Charlie’s party, one that didn’t show anything revealing because the topless girls were looking the other way.
“That was six hours ago.”
“And, you just…”
“Three of them,” he said as he closed the phone.
He didn’t want to play along that much.
He probably wouldn’t even do that much, but since he took Bernadette, he decided to try fixing Howard to be less of a creep.
It counted as public service.
“That’s the end of the story time,” he said.
Howard stuffed them back in his bag, looking to him like a god.
“Now, let’s address the elephant in the room.
You three are smart, reasonably well-off, and not ugly.
There’s no excuse for you having the romantic success rate of a screen door on a submarine.”
“That’s offensive,” Howard said.
“Is it inaccurate?”
“No,” Howard admitted.
“You’re offering to teach us how to get girls,” Howard said, leaning forward with the particular intensity of a man who had been waiting for this conversation his entire life.
“I’m offering to teach you how to stop repelling them.
Getting part, you’ll be able to handle after that.
The first thing, what do you want?”
“A girlfriend,” Leonard said immediately.
“A girlfriend,” Raj echoed, with the particular sadness of a man who couldn’t talk to women without alcohol and had tried everything except actually addressing the issue.
“I want to have sex,” Howard said.
“With lots of women.”
Ethan sighed.
“Look, there’s nothing wrong with having a more relaxed approach to life.
I certainly won’t say anything about it.
But, tell me.
Is this truly what you want?
Or is it something you’re trying to emulate, because it’s cool?
That it’ll validate you somewhat?”
Howard paused, looked at him, looked away, then looked at him again.
“I think I hate you,” he said.
“Join the club,” Leonard said.
“It’s not fun for your flaws to be pointed, right?”
“Any advice for me?” Raj said.
“About your inability to speak with the women, right?” Raj nodded.
“Therapy.
Actual therapy from a qualified individual, probably some anti-anxiety medicine as well, but that requires medical assessment.
But in the meanwhile, you’ll join the camp.”
“Camp?” Howard asked.
“Yeah.
You guys actually need to exercise.
You don’t have to get six packs, but better posture makes a lot of difference.
It will help even better if you guys start filling your shirts.
Two hours, three days a week, and six months.
That’s enough to show a lot of difference.
The best part, it’ll help with hookups, seductions, and relationships all the same.”
“What’s the difference between hookups and seduction?” Raj asked.
“A hookup is mutual, immediate, and temporary.
Two people who want the same thing, usually based only on physical attraction.
Confidence, clarity, and looks good enough to trigger attraction are enough.”
“That sounds terrifying,” Raj said.
“You need to get comfortable with rejection.
Sometimes, you show interest, the other party doesn’t.
Not taking it personally takes a while.”
“And seduction?” Howard asked.
“Seduction is slower.
It’s the process of building attraction over time through genuine connection.
Not manipulation based on absurd lies like tattoo sleeves, but actual connection.
Shared interests, humor, and even vulnerability.
It’s the space where most actual relationships start.”
“And relationships?”
“Relationships are what happen when two people realize they like each other enough to actually start acting like a unit in areas that matter.
Taking Leonard as an example, that would have shown genuine interest in her auditions rather than just nodding, looking for a chance to impress her.”
Leonard sighed.
“Buddy.
I’m already dead.
You can stop stabbing.”
“Think of it as being the poor teacher’s assistant.” He sighed.
“Common ground is the foundation.
Think of it as shared hobbies, but there, you guys need to be more flexible.
Enjoying comics and science fiction movies is good, but it can’t be your only hobby.
Mostly because it’s not very healthy.”
“How about magic.
I can do magic?”
He shook his head.
“Sorry, Howard.
With your general attitude, it’s more harmful than helpful.
You’re still living with your mother, right?”
“Yes,” he said, hesitant.
“It makes economic sense.”
“And you don’t want to leave her alone.
It’s actually sweet,” Ethan replied.
“Really?”
“Yes, but not if she’s handling all the cooking and cleaning.
It’s not the case, right?”
“No,” Howard said, but his tone indicated he wasn’t being honest.
“Fix that.
Also, go to a cooking class.
It’s a good start for you.”
“How about me?” Leonard said.
“Frankly, you need the least amount of work.
Mostly your crippling self-esteem.
If you don’t trust yourself, your girlfriend will not either.”
Raj intervened.
“Dude.
How can you just pinpoint everything at a glance?”
Watching them on TV was not an appropriate answer.
“I’m a bartender, a photographer, and a musician. This chapter was copied from g.com without permission.
I have worked with enough people to catch the general behavior.”
“I’m sure it helps with the ladies.”
Ethan shrugged.
“It does.
Reading whether someone is actually interested, bored, or just being kind saves a lot of time.”
“That’s a lot of work,” Raj said.
“If you want to die alone, be my guest,” he threatened.
“I’ll work, sir,” Raj replied.
“Good.
Then, we have your wardrobe next,” he said.
“Leonard, show me your wardrobe,” he said.
Already committed, Leonard followed.
He went through his wardrobe, his fashion talent allowing him to catch a lot of issues.
He pulled on the weird brown suit he remembered from the first season.
“Tell me it’s an obscure cosplay.”
“Is it bad?”
“Kill it with fire, bad,” he said, then continued to dig through the wardrobe.
He separated it into three piles.
He pointed to the biggest pile, which was the featureless boring stuff that wouldn’t even fit him.
“Those have to go, no exceptions,” he said.
He pointed to the second pile, mostly the nerd stuff.
“Those can stay, because they at least have character, but you need to wear them more sparingly.” He pointed at the smallest pile.
“These will be your temporary rotation until you can go shopping.
You probably need to spend a few thousand dollars to handle it.
I’m assuming you have that.”
He nodded.
“I might have to delay the purchase of the latest Spider-Man figurine—” he said, then paused.
“That’s the kind of stuff I have to stop, right?”
“Not if you actually enjoy it,” he answered.
“Just don’t let it become your whole personality.”
He quickly assembled a full outfit based on the stuff, but he realized he needed a scarf to complete it.
He picked a shirt from the discarded pile.
“Do you mind if I destroy this?”
“Go ahead,” Leonard said, looking confused.
A few strategic pulls and folds later, it turned into a scarf.
“Alright, put these on and come back,” Ethan said, and returned.
Howard and Raj were waiting for them.
“Where’s Leonard?” Raj asked.
“Changing.
It’s a good way to show how badly you guys are mismanaging the fashion situation.
By the way, do you have a laptop I can use?”
Howard pulled on.
He opened.
“Another advice.
Hide your porn better.”
“Technically.
It’s not porn.”
“It’s porn enough to creep out the girls, meaning it goes to the hidden folder,” he said.
Then, he opened three files and started browsing aggressively, compiling the list for three of them.
A selection of shirts, pants, and some accessories.
Before he completed, Leonard walked in, looking hesitant.
“How do I look?” he asked hesitantly.
“Wow, dude.
You look totally different … yet the same,” Raj said, fascinated.
Then, he turned to the computer.
“It’s what you’re doing?”
“Yes.
It’s a personal shopping list for all three of you.
I have not only picked some affordable stuff, but I have also grouped them together so that you know how to combine them.
Just check the sizes and don’t go freelance.
Especially about colors,” he said.
“Aren’t they too muted?” Howard said.
“Not looking like a rapist from the 70s is not a problem, Howard,” he replied, aware that he needed to be extra hard to let it sink in to Howard.
“Is it really that bad?” he asked, suddenly feeling down.
“Yes, but think of it as one of your designs.
When you find a fatal flaw, do you cry about it, or do you throw and start again from scratch?”
“Message received,” he said.
“You know what.
If you guys can follow the gym patterns while also following my advice for three months, I’ll invite you guys to a party.”
“What kind of party?
A boy-girl one,” Raj said.
It was a stupid question that should have annoyed him, but coming from Raj, it was actually amusing.
“Yes, Raj.
A boy-girl party.
In Malibu.
With girls being volleyball players, surfers, and models.
The kind of party where women are relaxed, happy, and genuinely open to meeting new people because the setting is warm and the vibes are good.”
“You’re serious,” Raj said.
“Completely serious.
Three months, consistent gym work, and I will personally introduce you to an environment where the ratio is in your favor, the alcohol is excellent, and nobody tries to ask you about your favorite comic book character.
You’ll have to connect as people, not as physicists.
And if you’ve done the work, you’ll be ready.”
Howard looked at Raj.
Raj looked at Leonard.
Leonard looked at his ice cream, then at Ethan, then at the ceiling.
“Three times a week?” Leonard said.
“Three times a week.”
“And you’ll actually take us to a Malibu party?”
“I’ll take you to a Malibu party.
I will not, however, be responsible for what happens after that.
If you blow it, it’s your problem.”
“Fine,” Leonard said.
“Fine.
Three months.”
“I’m in,” Howard said immediately.
“I’m in,” Raj said, with only a slight tremor.
The conversation should have ended there.
A clean exit, a motivational speech delivered, a gym commitment secured.
But then, Ethan made a disparaging remark about the One More Day run, which triggered a different discussion about the games and comics.
He wasn’t an expert like them, but it was still fun.
He also realized that, even with his improved Intelligence, he wasn’t a match for them, which gave him a context, which was also valuable.
He also noticed Leonard actually texting with Penny, telling her that there were no hard feelings about the breakup, that he understood her perspective.
Actual progress.
Fascinating.
“You know what your problem is?” Leonard said at one point.
“I have several.
Which one?”
“You’re likable.
I want to hate you, especially since I’m sure that you’ll start sleeping with Penny very soon.”
He shrugged.
“Whatever happens, happens.
I’m starting to like you, Leonard, but nowhere enough to invoke the bro code.”
Howard intervened.
“Ooh, I know that.
There’s a guy in New York who blogs about it.
He’s like a pickup genius.”
Leonard looked Howard angrily.
“Let me finish.
I know that.
And, it’s better you than one of her exes, especially that bastard Kurt.
He’s … mean to Penny.
You’re not mean.
But, it’s annoying, because it’ll be much easier if I can hate you.”
“I’m an annoying person.”
“You are,” Howard confirmed.
“You told me my tattoo sleeves were embarrassing.”
“They are embarrassing,” Raj said.
“They were fabric lies, Howard.”
The laughter that followed was genuine, the particular laughter of a group that had been through a shared experience and was processing it with jokes.
However, he soon stood up, because Haley and Penny were still in his apartment, talking for the last thirty minutes.
He wanted to give them some time to chat and warm up, but he didn’t want to stretch it too much.
“That’s it from me for today, gentlemen.
But no skipping exercise.
We’ll be running together at least once a week, and if you skip, I’ll know.
And, that means no Malibu beach party.”
He chuckled as he left them, realizing they might be more fun than he had given them credit for.