“Dude!” Cody ripped into the Turgid Troll extra-spicy wing, keeping his voice to a harsh whisper. “I can’t believe this place is actually here! This is fucking awesome!”
Raven sat across from him in the darkest corner booth of Hot Wangs, the hood of her cloak pulled low over her pale features. She slammed down her heavy wooden tankard and smacked her lips. “I don’t think I would get the Sweaty Dwarf Nut Brown Ale again. It’s too… earthy.”
Cody took a swig of his Hoppy Ending, mindful to keep his furry orange tail tucked out of the main aisle. “This one isn’t half bad. Kind of reminds me of a West Sixth IPA. Did you try those Pigs in a Loincloth yet?”
“Bro, they are the shit,” Raven said, sliding the grease-stained basket over the table. “If you’ve never had goblin sausage, you are in for a fucking treat.”
Cody snagged one from the basket and took a look. It looked considerably different from pigs in a blanket, but he was tipsy and hiding from a murderous rabbit-man, so fuck it. He tossed the bite-sized puff into his mouth. The flaky butteriness of the pastry combined perfectly with the sharp spice and funk of the sausage. “Damn, that is good! Do you guys have mustard here?”
“What the fuck is that?” Raven asked, waving for the server.
“Oh wait.” Cody shook his head, chewing happily. “Never mind. Mark hates it.”
“Boo him.” Raven turned to the server as he approached their shadowy booth. “Can I get twelve more wings? I’ll do the Half-Mast Honey Garlic.”
“Of course.” Thiccolus was a dwelf. Imagine the ethereal, glowing perfection of a High Elf—flawless porcelain skin, razor-sharp cheekbones, and long, cascading silver hair that always seemed to catch a phantom breeze. Now, compress all that majestic beauty onto a 4'8" frame built like a competitive powerlifter. “Is everything okay for you two in the dark back here?”
“Fucking excellent,” Cody grinned, raising his tankard.
From across the tavern, a massive, rowdy table of half-orcs slammed their fists on the wood. “STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!”
All the staff and half the patrons in the building immediately heard the call, turning and shouting back in unison: "POLISH THE SHEATH! WORK THE SHAFT! COME TO WANGS AND DRAIN THE DRAFT! HUZZAH!"
The tavern broke into a deafening roar and a cheer before everyone went right back to their business. Cody’s feline ears flattened against his head at the sheer volume.
“I’ll have those right out for you, sugar.” Thiccolus gave a heavy wink and a smile before strutting away.
“You are not shy, are you?” Raven asked, continuing her drinking.
“Nah,” Cody shrugged. “Why should I be? I’m a fucking cat now. And I can slice shit up real good. That’s a huge upgrade from where I came from.”
“That’s so weird to me,” Raven said, shaking her head. “You are from a different world that has just humans, and you feel safer here as a Catfolk?”
“Yeah,” Cody said, his tone dropping its usual levity. “Humans are fucking evil. Far more evil than anything Gary Gygax or Mark can think up. Maybe here they are better because they have to be. Competing with other races and such.”
“Humans,” Raven sighed heavily. “Just when I want to join my Plunderdark brothers and sisters in the slaughter, I meet you all. I meet Sara. Go figure.”
“Go figure, indeed, dude,” Cody said, leaning forward on his elbows. His protective brother mode kicked in immediately. “Sara is a hell of a girl. You like her?”
“I do,” Raven said smoothly, just as an older, silver-fox orc dropped off her fresh basket of wings. “Right now.”
Cody cocked his head, his orange eyes narrowing. “What do you mean, right now?”
“Well, I just met her, right?” Raven shook her head, picking up a wing. “I can’t be expected to give her my heart and soul tomorrow, now can I? These things take time. We have the chemistry, but we have to build shared moments. Stuff like that.”
Cody nodded slowly, genuinely impressed by the boundary. “That’s an incredibly thought-out answer.”
“Meh,” she shook her head. “Not really. I just don’t have the time or energy to go around chasing everyone who shows an interest. Drow males are fucking lousy about hit-and-quit. I protect my peace.”
Cody was intrigued by how much her society mirrored Earth’s worst dating habits. “I really don’t know much about drow culture. Mark is the expert. I mostly focused on dwarves.”
“There isn’t enough time in the world to talk about what Lolth has done to us,” Raven said, her bitterness brewing dark in her pale eyes. “I’m glad I’m out, but my brothers and sisters are still down there, still trying to scheme and fuck each other over.”
“How long have you been out?” Cody wondered.
“Just over two years now,” she said. “Thankful for every single day.”
There was a natural pause in the conversation. Suddenly, a group of servers, cooks, and Thiccolus all started clapping rhythmically and walking directly toward their hidden corner booth.
Cody chuckled, sinking lower into his seat. “And, how old are you today?”
“Eighty-two,” Raven said.
Thiccolus led the corporate-mandated charge to the tableside, completely blowing their cover.
Stomp, clap. Stomp, clap. Stomp, clap.
“Attention tavern! Avert your eyes! This little hero went up a size!”
All the servers joined in, entirely unbothered by Raven's glare. “They leveled up, they beat the clock! So bring 'em Wangs and bring 'em—”
Thiccolus aggressively blew a paper party favor to drown out the final word, then went on. “Swing to the left!” They all aggressively swung their hips to the left. “Swing to the right!” They all aggressively swung to the right.
All the servers finished in unison. “Eat our meat, it's so, so right! Huzzah!”
Thiccolus placed a tiny, glowing cupcake in front of Raven, followed by a shiny green paper party hat that was a size too small, slapping it onto her head. “Happy birthday, dear!”
The tavern-goers clapped and cheered. Raven stood up, offering a deeply sarcastic, stiff bow, before the servers went back to their business and the attention shifted away.
Raven ripped the green paper hat off her head and sat back down. “Ok, I’m good. Ready to go do our job before Craig's goons realize who we are?”
“Yep.” Cody slammed the last of his beer and let out a massive, but somehow very odd-sounding Buuuuurrrrrowwwww.
He clamped a paw over his mouth. “What the fuck? I just meow-burped.”
Raven chuckled as she stood, pulling her hood back up. “Let’s go. I know just the place.”
Cody followed Raven out of the tavern, keeping a watchful eye on the door. “So, where is this place?”
“Just around the bend,” Raven said, leading him down a snowy cobblestone alley. “Near the west exit of Sunnydale.”
“How much did Sara give us?” he asked.
“We have 3,000,” Raven said, patting her heavy pouch. “That isn’t enough to get us all good magical stuff, but we can get decent basic gear for now. Here we are.”
They walked into a dimly lit weapons shop and approached the burly man behind the counter. Cody greeted him warmly with a handshake. “Hi! We have an order we want to fill.”
“I can’t help,” the man said dryly, leaning on the counter. “What can I get you?”
Cody pulled out Sara’s meticulous list and placed it on the scarred wood. “Everything on there. Basic shortswords, a couple of longbows, leather armor tailored for a giant, some spell components, and whatever rations you have.”
The man quickly tallied the items. “That'll be two hundred gold for the lot.”
Raven smoothly counted out the coins and handed them over, watching the man pack the gear into two large burlap sacks. With Sara's primary mission secured, Cody looked at the remaining heavy coin purse in Raven's hand. His LitRPG business brain started humming.
“Hey,” Cody asked, scratching his chin. “I also need ten wagons and an elephant, please.”
The shopkeep and Raven both looked at him like he was not the brightest sock in the spoon drawer.
The man scratched his beard. “I don’t have no elephants, guv. I can get you a draft horse. Or ten.”
Cody thought about the massive empty parking lot back at the strip mall. “You know what, ok. I’ll take ten draft horses and ten wagons.”
“Cody,” Raven raised a pale eyebrow. “Why do we need all those horses? Sara sent us for weapons.”
“Delivery team,” Cody responded, an eager grin spreading across his furry face. “We can make tons more offering infrastructure delivery. I’m guessing most common people don’t own a wagon and horse of their own to travel the grid, right?”
“Most people couldn’t afford a horse if they worked a year and saved half their wages,” Raven said, nodding slowly as the strategy clicked into place.
“That will be two thousand, eight hundred gold for the fleet,” the man said, his eyes widening.
Seeing the undeniable value of Cody's play, Raven calmly handed over the remainder of Sara's budget. “I have to have the carts brought to you," the man stammered, weighing the massive purse. "I only have three here.”
“That’s cool,” Cody said, thoroughly pleased with his investment. “We will ride out on one filled with the gear we just bought, and you can send the others to wherever we want, right?”
“Yes,” the man nodded, quickly writing up a contract.
Cody gave him the coordinates for the newly formed "Dick Gorge" deep inside the Forest of Nihilism.
A few moments later, the two boarded their new wooden wagon, the back loaded with their basic supplies. As they exited the city gate on their way back home, the cold wind whipping through the wagon bed, Raven looked over at him.
“Do you think the others are having this easy of a time?”
[SYSTEM ALERT: Quest Completed.]
[SYSTEM ALERT: Quest Begun.]
[XP Awarded: 8,000]
[Level Up Available! Unspent Attribute Points: 4]