I did not know when the rut started.
One moment I was still on the court, the next the coach was pulling me out and telling me to sit. My body felt too hot and too heavy at the same time. My thoughts kept sliding away from the game. I did not play the final. I only remembered the long ride back and the way the city lights blurred through the window. The other thought that kept circling was simpler and sharper: how was I supposed to face her today after everything that had been said.
I only remembered the moment I stepped through the front door.
Now I was lying on the bed completely naked.
Cool air touched my skin. A soft cloth moved across my forehead, slow and careful. The fabric was damp and carried a faint clean scent. It slid down the side of my face, over my cheek, along my jaw. Each pass took away another layer of sweat. The cloth traveled to my neck, lingering at the place where my pulse beat too hard, then across my collarbones and down one shoulder.
I kept my eyes closed at first. The sensation was strange. Gentle pressure. The slight drag of cotton over overheated skin. When the cloth moved lower, across my ribs and the soft plane of my stomach, I felt the muscles there jump. It continued down one arm, wiping the inside of my wrist and the spaces between my fingers, then the other arm. My thighs received the same attention, the cloth moving from hip to knee with steady, unhurried strokes. Even the tops of my feet were cleaned.
I opened my eyes.
Xu Linling sat on the edge of the bed, the cloth still in her hand. Her expression was focused and quiet. When she noticed I was awake she paused.
Something in my chest cracked open without warning.
I did not plan to cry. The tears simply rose and spilled. Maybe it was because no one had taken care of me like this in years. I had always been the one who cooked and cleaned and stayed awake to make sure she was all right. I had wanted to take care of her. I had tried. But somewhere along the way I had only managed to keep her at a distance instead. Now the roles were reversed and the softness of it was too much.
I brought both hands up and pressed them over my eyes. I did not want her to see.
The words came out anyway, messy and uncontrolled.
“I am sorry, Linling. I am such a bad sister. I was supposed to look after you. I was supposed to make things easier, not harder. I kept telling myself I was doing enough but I never really asked what you needed. I only pushed and argued and left things unsaid. You should not have to sit here and clean me up like this. You should not have to deal with me when I am like this. I keep failing at the only thing I was meant to do. I am sorry. I am so sorry.” This chapter was taken from novelping.com without permission.
The rest dissolved into broken breathing. My shoulders shook. I could not stop the tears or the way my voice kept catching.
Before I could pull myself together I felt the mattress shift.
Xu climbed over me. Her weight settled lightly across my hips. She reached up and took both of my wrists, drawing my hands away from my face. I tried to turn my head but there was nowhere to hide. My eyes were wet and swollen. My face felt hot and exposed. Embarrassment burned under the tears that would not stop.
She looked down at me for a long moment.
“I knew it,” she said quietly.
She reached to the side and picked up a small mirror I had not noticed. She held it in front of me so I had no choice but to see my own reflection. Red-rimmed eyes. Damp cheeks. The unguarded expression of someone who had completely fallen apart.
Xu’s voice softened.
“You look the cutest right now.”