“It will be okay if I just say I made the song that you composed, hyung. If you truly care about us, I believe you can do that.”
The reason I couldn’t blame Cha Woon that day, the reason I gave him the song without a single rebuke, was because his body was trembling so violently as he spoke those words.
If Cha Woon had thought it was only natural to take a song from me for his own and Prism’s career, he would have confidently made the request while meeting my gaze. He wouldn’t have just stared at the ground and blurted out those words as if he had memorized the script in advance, as if he was being punished.
I thought that even if Cha Woon actually hated me enough to wish for my death and take everything I had, I wouldn’t blame him. He was the most distrustful among the members, the one who was so selective about letting people in, yet he was also the one who relied on me for the most part of his life. If the day ever came when
that
Cha Woon came to hate me, I believed that it would be my responsibility, and I should bear the consequences.
But, that wasn’t the case.
“…..Don’t talk as if you know everything. You know nothing.”
“You were able to continue working as Prism thanks to me! And yet, how dare you look at me like that?”
I should have given more weight to those words that Cha Woon let slip.
Why he had lost control of his emotions when Jay showed him pity?
“I didn’t do such a thing out of hatred or disrespect for my hyung.”
Why did he say those words, as if he was explaining himself, to a child who resembled Seo Yutae?
“It’s all because of you, hyung. You left us irresponsibly, and this is what happened, so you need to take responsibility.”
“Do you know why Yutae-hyung left Prism? We did that to him.”
Why he acted like he blamed me in front of me, but blamed himself in front of everyone else?
I should have given it more thought.
In the end, he couldn’t bring himself to hate me. He couldn’t have hated me, because even while being blackmailed by Kang Hyukwoo, he would rather deliberately say cruel things to me to prevent me from getting involved. He even took on the role of the villain, following Kang Hyukwoo’s unreasonable orders to make sure the members didn’t suspect anything.
Prism was filled by people who, whether by choice or circumstance, blindly chased after the dream of being idols. The members of Prism, who were left alone at a young age and placed in the worst of circumstances, had no choice but to trust and rely on each other, and in that way, we became each other’s family.
Prism is a family.
It was a home where wounded children gathered, desperately trying to survive.
Just as I felt it, Cha Woon must have felt it too.
And he must have wanted to protect it.
Even at the cost of being hated by the members he cherished so much.
‘.…I left Prism because I wanted the members to be happy. Why did we end up like this?’
I always tried to make choices that put the members first, and Cha Woon did his best to fill the void after I was gone.
The problem with our situation was that there was someone despicable between us who wouldn’t miss an opportunity to exploit that void.
Kang Hyukwoo often said this to me,
“You’re too affectionate. You have too many people to protect.”
“That’s why you’re always getting taken advantage of by me. That’s your weakness. If you’d lived without creating weaknesses like I did, your life would’ve been a bit easier. How foolish.”
I didn’t realize he was doing the same thing to Cha Woon.
Every time I witnessed the extent of his depravity with my own eyes, it made my blood boil and left me horrified.
In truth, if we had attacked Kang Hyukwoo with a ‘
You die, I die
‘ attitude, he would have been in serious trouble. Our side also knew about the immoral acts Kang Hyukwoo had committed, and Prism was the main source of income for RH Entertainment.
‘If we wanted to, we could certainly fall to the bottom together.’
Despite that, the reason Kang Hyukwoo was able to arrogantly threaten us was because he knew we wouldn’t attempt a
double suicide
1
. For him, spending a few years in prison then getting released would be the end of it, but for us, there was a heavy risk of losing something precious, and he had already calculated that.
The importance of protecting something that’s so precious to us. In the end, it was our love for Prism that decided whether we would win or lose.
As I bowed my head and tightly closed my mouth due to the heaviness in my heart, Cha Woon sucked in a breath as if he had suddenly come to his senses. Then, looking terribly scared, he made a plea to me.
“Please don’t tell Jay what I said!”
“…….”
“I can’t talk about this to the members of Prism, absolutely not…….”
Cha Woon had already revealed to me that the current situation was not what he had wanted. He had also disclosed that there was a truth he hadn’t told the members. Now, feeling anxious after finally confiding in me about something he had to hide from the Prism members, he started to panic, clutching his head with his hands.
‘It must be because he knows that I am close with Jay.’
If he was this scared, it might have been better if he hadn’t opened his mouth from the beginning. However, I could understand why Cha Woon had told me these things.
‘Cha Woon is already at his limit. If Kang Hyukwoo makes another unreasonable demand, that’s when Cha Woon will completely break.’
Kang Hyukwoo had already done the same thing to me that he did to Cha Woon, and naturally, he would have set the standard for
how much a person can endure
based on me. But that was a very careless assumption. The amount of conflict and stress a person could endure varied greatly from person to person, and he shouldn’t have viewed Cha Woon, who was originally sensitive, the same way as me, who has a tough personality.
‘He’s mentally drained. Being criticized by the members over the new group must have been a huge blow.’
Telling a complete stranger,
Han Seungbeom
, a story that could get him in trouble was an enormous risk. Cha Woon’s impulsive repetition of this behavior undoubtedly driven by his need for comfort and the desire to confess the truth, but to me, this seemed more like a way to cope with the stress.
He hated himself so much for being despised by the members and for not being able to defy Kang Hyukwoo’s orders, so much that he couldn’t bear it anymore. In this state, he might have been purposely attacking his own self by creating dangerous situations as a way to temporarily escape his extreme anxiety and relieve stress.
If I were to go and tell this information to someone else, it would harm the very Prism he had been so desperately trying to protect. So, rationally speaking, he should have kept his mouth shut.
“Please, please…….”
But even though he knew that, he couldn’t stop himself.
A person’s heart doesn’t always flow in the way they want to.
He would repeatedly do things like this, then regret them terribly when he came to his senses.
It was the sort of self-destructive behavior that would destroy himself, and it was a sign that Cha Woon had already reached his limit.
I quietly stared down at him as he clung to me, tears streaming down his face.
Anger welled up in me.
I wanted to go find Kang Hyukwoo right now and ask him just how much he needed to trample on people’s hearts before he could feel at peace. I wanted to lock him in a dark place where he couldn’t move or see the members, and stab him over and over again until he died.
But more than that, I just wanted to hug Cha Woon, just once.
I wanted to tell him it was okay, that I would protect him.
Drip, drip.
There was the sound of water falling.
Then, Cha Woon’s body shook violently and he slowly raised his head.
The panic-stricken look from just moments ago was nowhere to be seen. In an instant, his face regained composure, and now it showed a bewildered expression as he stared at me.
“…Seungbeom-ssi?”
In the reflection of those dark eyes, I was crying.
It was only when I noticed the tiny droplets that fell on Cha Woon’s face that I realized the sound I heard was my own tears falling.
As I cried silently, Cha Woon’s expression crumpled, and he reached out to me.
When I didn’t dodge it and stayed still, his cold hand wiped away the tears from my eyes.
Then, with a voice choked with tears, he said, “Don’t cry. Why are you crying…….”
I looked at Cha Woon’s unconscious behavior and started thinking.
Right now, what words can I say to Cha Woon? And what help can I offer him? Even if Cha Woon is holding up well, I have no intention of standing by and watching this situation as it is.
I gently moved away the hand near my face and began to speak.
“It’s okay. Just as I promised at the beginning, I will never spread any stories that you don’t want to be shared, sunbaenim.”
“…….”
“And sunbaenim, if you can’t lean on Prism-sunbaenims, I will be your support.”
As soon as I uttered the words, “
I will be your support
“, Cha Woon shook his head and murmured.
“No, Seungbeom-ssi, you don’t know anything, how terrifying the situation is. If you get involved, you’ll only get hurt and won’t be of any help….”
“No, I know. I already know what Director Kang Hyukwoo has done. And I also know why you can’t go against him.”
“…….”
“We need to get rid of that video first, right? The CCTV footage from that club where Jo Inchan-sunbaenim was seen drunk on something.”
“What, what did you just say……”
I cut off his words and started to reveal the information I knew, and his eyes, as if he had seen a ghost, shook violently as he looked at me. Then, he jumped up from his seat in alarm and urgently exclaimed.
“How do you know about that, Seungbeom-ssi? Who on earth did you hear it from?! Once you know about it, there’s no turning back!”
“That’s not true. I need to know in order to turn things around. Don’t we have to put everything back in its place? If there’s someone like Kang Hyukwoo, this industry will just continue to rot. It’s already gone too far to just pretend we don’t know and watch.”
“…….”
When I denied his words of concern without any hesitation, Cha Woon, at a loss for words, simply stared at me blankly. I then spoke again, this time with a firm tone.
“I will find a way to deal with that video. I don’t have any weaknesses that Director Kang Hyukwoo can exploit, do I? If it’s me, I can fight Director Kang Hyukwoo without being controlled by him. So please, just wait a little longer.”
Cha Woon, who had been staring at me with a trembling gaze as if lost in confusion, finally opened his mouth after a long pause.
“…Why are you going to such lengths for me, Seungbeom-ssi?”
“…….”
“Why, why do you never blame me? I’m someone who even the members I considered family have come to hate, so why do you keep looking at me just like Yutae-hyung?! What am I, what is it about me that makes you go to such lengths for me, Seungbeom-ssi?”
He clutched his face with both hands, and shouted several times.
“Please don’t be kind to me. I’ve built walls so that I won’t break even if I’m hated. Why do you keep making me want to throw away everything? Why do you keep making me lean on you? If I’m going to lose someone like that again, I’d rather not have them in the first place.”
“…….”
“Please, please just let me…..”
The latter part of the words, uttered with such desperation trailed off unfinished. Cha Woon exhaled roughly, his face clouded with confusion, perhaps not knowing what he truly wanted to say.
I knew his true feelings, even though he wasn’t conscious of them himself.
So, I decided to say the words that he truly wanted to say.
I held Cha Woon’s hand tightly and opened my mouth,
“I will help you. I will protect you.”
“…….”
“So, please don’t be anxious.”
As I said and as you said,
a leader is someone who protects everyone, and
I am your leader
.
Forever.
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Translator’s Corner:
The word used here is
동귀어진
. It’s a phrase that usually used in martial arts novel. It means “
to end everything by dying together with the other person
“. It is a general term for actions to die together with the enemy, disregarding your own life, when there is no other way due to the great difference in power between you and the enemy or whenyou’re driven into an extreme situation. ↩︎
My first wish is for you and I … to be happy like we were today … the second wish is to always be together … even after several winters … the third wish is for all …. the other wishes to come true …. Red Velvet, the queens you are for singing a song that fits this song so beautifully ……
Idk anymore guys. I have nothing to say, I’m overwhelmed with feelings.
Ah, I think a lot of people gets this misunderstanding so I will explain. Kang Hyukwoo is not a manager. He used to be a “
casting manager
” when he first met MC, but he automatically got promoted after MC’s success becauser he was the one who “
found”
the MC. “He is
“Director Kang Hyukwoo
” now. You know, an entertainment agency is run by a “Board of Directors”. It’s not only for the CEO, but several executives that make the decisions for the company. Famous figure to help you realize his position … hmm, Lee Sooman before he left SM. Yang Hyungsuk before he stepped down from his position as YG’s CEO. Jinyoung Park in JYP Ent. Bang Sihyuk in Hybe Corp. It’s not necessarily the founder or the CEO (JYP and BSH are not the CEO of their company anymore), but they held a lot of power in the company.
Anyway … today will be Christmas’ night so I’m going to go buy foods instead of ordering delivery and locking myself in my room … but THE RAIN DOESNT STOP AT ALL? AT THIS RATE I’M GOING TO STARVE? It’s also so cold ??? but I wanted to celebrate by buying the new matcha variation of a drink shop nearby ????? WHEN WILL THIS LITERAL RAIN STOP?????
OH I JUST REMEMBERED THIS IS #OurMC1stCrying YAAAY omg there used to be this viral non-fans tweet who said Wonbin from RIIZE looked so pretty when he cried, so they hope he will cry a lot … it caused a lot of fight because the fans are asking why they want him to be unhappy … but honestly, when I saw the video, I #UNDERSTAND. Seungbeom’s face is so pretty, I can totally imagine how beautiful he looked when he’s crying ….