“That’s the reason you left that way … why can’t you understand that?”
Hearing those words, which sounded precariously shaken, suddenly brought me back to reality.
It was only now that I remembered that, just as Choi Jeokhyeon was the only friend I had, I was also the only friend Choi Jeokhyeon had.
“Your body disappeared right before my eyes, without a trace.”
Perhaps the reason Choi Jeokhyeon was the one to notice my body disappearing is because he spent more time in the morgue than anyone else
. I had forgotten that.
As I thought about it, I couldn’t help but picture Choi Jeokhyeon standing alone in the cold morgue.
What was the man who stood there, staring at me with an empty expression as I lay motionless with my eyes closed for what seemed like an eternity, possibly thinking? I was already dead at that time, so this image obviously wasn’t real. But it was so easy to vividly imagine what kind of expression he had, what kind of actions he would have taken, and how he must have been standing in that place.
One day in the past, he said something like this to me.
“Ever since I met you, life seems to be somehow enjoyable. Before that, I thought it wouldn’t matter if I died at any time.”
“Is this what it feels like to have a family?”
As the image of his smiling face as he spoke those words flashed through my mind, I felt as if a mountain of words I wanted to say just crumbled and fell apart. At that instant, the words caught in my throat, and I tightly shut my mouth. Choi Jeokhyeon let out another bitter laugh and emptied his glass.
He swept his damp, drooping hair with both hands, and continued.
“Even if you hate me, I won’t stop. There’s something more important than not being resented by you.”
At his declaration that he wasn’t going to stop, I finally managed to think of something to say in response. I took a deep breath and retorted.
“If you don’t stop, how far are you going to go? If you destroy everyone who harms me, will it all be over? You already know that’s impossible.”
“…….”
“I’m someone who stands in front of the public. People who attack me will keep appearing, and if you keep eliminating them one by one, there will come a day when it becomes difficult to erase the traces. What will you do when that day comes?”
Choi Jeokhyeon completely turned his gaze away from me as I spoke. Even though he knew there was nothing wrong with what I had said, he had no intention of listening at all.
Seeing his childish behavior, which seemed so similar to Lee Hwayoung’s at first glance, I couldn’t help but let out a weary sigh.
‘I never thought I could easily break this brat’s stubbornness, but….’
I wasn’t as foolishly virtuous, kind, or even a good person as Choi Jeokhyeon perceived me to be. I never told Choi Jeokhyeon, but just like I didn’t care whether that journalist lived or died, I also didn’t feel much emotion about Dalli’s life being ruined.
After all, I was the direct victim of Dalli’s actions.
I couldn’t sympathize with the perpetrator. I was also clumsy when it came to such matters in the first place.
All I felt now was disgust at the people who were getting pleasure from bashing Dalli, as if it were just some kind of content.
‘If I was such a righteous person to begin with, I wouldn’t have thought about seeking revenge on Kang Hyukwoo.’
I knew that what I was about to do was illegal. I had no intention of justifying it.
How could someone like
me
criticize Choi Jeokhyeon for his
morality
?
The reason why I was so fixated on Choi Jeokhyeon’s actions was always set in stone.
“There are no satisfying and easy choices in this world. I’ve always told you, extreme methods make it easy to make enemies. There’s no guarantee that you won’t be attacked in the process.”
I was afraid that the things Choi Jeokhyeon did to help me would someday come back to strangle him. And I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle that situation. That’s all, but no matter how much I said it, that guy never listened to me, and it was really frustrating.
“Wasn’t that the reason your family opposed so strongly every time you got involved in my affairs? Of course, it might also be because they didn’t like me saying whatever I wanted when I had nothing to my name.”
“Back then, I was still young and couldn’t escape the influence of my family. But things are different now, Yutae-ya.”
“Who said I was worried about your family? It’s not like those bastards have only been annoying for a day or two. What I’m trying to say is that even those esteemed people were scared because your actions might end up causing them harm.”
“Those people are scared by nature. They have too much that they have no choice but become defensive in order to protect it all. But considering how they’ve committed any kind of misdeeds for their own benefit, it’s more likely that they just were just looking for an excuse to pick a fight.”
“…….”
“I’m not scared. I’ve already experienced the worst situation that could happen to me.”
Choi Jeokhyeon didn’t seem to be concerned with my worries at all.
And rather than ignoring them, it felt more like he was willing to endure them.
“You’re the only one who’s scared, Seo Yutae.”
Every time he acted like this, I couldn’t understand.
‘Am I overreacting?’
I don’t know.
I didn’t know how to come to terms with the idea that someone would willingly take a risk just to protect me. I simply didn’t know what it must feel like to take such an existence for granted.
I had always been someone more used to protecting others than being protected.
“Mom just wants our Yutae and Yuseong to be healthy and happy. As long as I have the two of you, I can do anything.”
Surely, I must have experienced that kind of emotion before.
But it had happened so long ago that I could hardly remember it.
“…….”
Feeling a sense of nostalgia for an emotion I couldn’t even remember, brought on by Choi Jeokhyeon’s words, I simply remained silent.
I couldn’t find the words to say. No matter how hard I tried to think of a response, only a jumble of disorganized thoughts came to mind, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak. While I was going through such a confusing time, Choi Jeokhyeon, seemingly in turmoil himself, was continuously gulping down his drinks.
And just as the droplets on the surface of the glass grew larger and fell onto the table, Choi Jeokhyeon was the first to speak.
“You think I killed that journalist.”
It was the story of the incident where I had expressed the strongest aversion to Choi Jeokhyeon.
He must have remembered that I was deeply affected by that incident, because he brought it up again.
“It depends on how you think, but I didn’t kill that journalist. I never threatened him to die or directly put him in danger.”
“…….”
“Of course, if he’d been brazen enough to hold out until the end, I might have resorted to that method. But looking at what actually happened, the truth is that I never once forced the option of death on him. All I did was simply expose the wrongs he committed to the public.”
“…What do you mean?”
“What I mean is, that journalist wasn’t killed by me. He chose his own death, weighed down by his sins.”
Choi Jeokhyeon slammed the empty glass down onto the table, slowly stood up from his seat, and walked over to me. His voice was unusually harsh as he cleared his throat and spoke.
“If he hadn’t betrayed his family by living in two houses filthily, if he hadn’t defamed others’ reputations and justified it under the excuse that they were public figures, and if he hadn’t repeatedly committed evil deeds to fill his own belly, would he have been affected by the plan I orchestrated?”
“…….”
“Do you know what he said before he died? He told his ex-wife and daughter,
I’m going to die because of you, because you won’t forgive me for the brief mistake I made
. He intentionally inflicted trauma on the family who had turned their backs on him. I knew from the beginning he was that kind of person. It really disgusted me.”
While he spat out those words like a sharp arrow, his cold, gleaming gaze never left me for a single moment. This was just my guess, but it seemed that from the moment he mentioned my death, he was psychologically cornered.
That guy, unable to shake off his agitation, kept talking without stopping.
“Did you know that if you had left that person alone, he might have spread rumors about your little brother and the members of Prism at some point?”
“…What?”
“How can I be so sure about that? Because the USB I secretly took from that journalist after he died was filled with a ton of data about your brother. You don’t plan on saying that even a piece of trash like him deserves to live, do you? I know you. You’re not the kind of person who would say that.”
This was the first time I’d heard that story.
When I looked up at him with my trembling eyes, he twisted his face in an instant. Then, he grabbed my shoulder and spoke in a pleading tone.
“Look, you always react sensitively when harm is done to the people in your care. But you ignore what happens to yourself. It’s the same this time. You didn’t take any action until that sasaeng started targeting the members.”
If Seo Yuseong, Prism, and Choi Jeokhyeon were in the same situation as me, would I have been able to maintain my rationality? Would I have been able to resist the urge, like Choi Jeokhyeon, to ruin the other person’s life with all my might, and to make them feel twice or three times the pain my loved ones have suffered?
Before I could answer that question myself, Choi Jeokhyeon had already read my expression and whispered to me in a soft voice.
“You know what kind of feelings I have. Why can’t you understand my actions?”
When I let the time pass without denying his words right away, he spoke softly in a tone that was slightly calmer and more like his usual self, as if he’d cleared his mind a bit in the meantime.
“Feel free to resent me as much as you want. I’m not going to change.”
Choi Jeokhyeon was never someone who cared about the safety of Seo Yuseong or the members of Prism.
Nevertheless, the fact that he was talking about him in front of me now must have been to persuade me. Despite his words, he didn’t want me to resent him.
“…….”
When I read through his underlying feelings, an unexpected sense of calm washed over me.
I stared into his eyes, sinking into calmness, and thought to myself.
I will probably never be able to cut Choi Jeokhyeon off, no matter what he does in the future. Because I understand what kind of thoughts and feelings drive him to act this way.
As I thought that, I suddenly stopped all my movements and erased the excuses I had been making to deceive myself.
‘No, that’s not it.’
And I weaved my embarrassingly honest feelings into sentences that I could never reveal to anyone.
Even if I couldn’t understand the actions Choi Jeokhyeon had taken at all, I wouldn’t have been able to resent him. The reason I was shaken by his words and tried to put myself in his shoes to understand him was purely for emotional reasons.
‘What the hell kind of friend is this guy?’
No matter how many unreasonable things happened, wasn’t that what human relationships were all about—losing my original rational self and foolishly holding on? Seo Yuseong hated this side of me the most, but in the end, I wouldn’t be able to change it, and I would never abandon Choi Jeokhyeon.
‘…Didn’t you tell me that if someone knows but doesn’t stop it, they’re an accomplice, Choi Jeokhyeon?’
Perhaps I needed the comfort that Choi Jeokhyeon offered me. He was the first person, since my mother passed away, who had protected me while I was carrying the weight of so many people I needed to protect.
“…I won’t resent you.”
“…….”
I was making decisions using my heart first, then looking for reasons to justify them. And even though I was aware of this fact, I was too selfish to stop.
“I’m just worried.”
How nice would it be if we could become a perfectly flawless, inhuman beings in any situation?
We are clearly wrong.
We were committing a
sin
.
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
But we’ve already come too far down this path to turn back to the right direction.
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Translator’s Corner:
I’m seriously not planning to cry on this chapter but wtf i kept tearing up
This is an important chapter (for me) because Choi Jeokhyeon just openly exposed MC’s true personality … like with the way he described himself and his thoughts, you’d think he’s a ruthless person … but think to the early chapters. He knew Zen for two months at most, but he’s already throwing his own body to keep him away from Frick’s abuse … and sadly for everyone, if MC took an alligment personality test, I’m almost sure he would get the lawful result … even I didn’t get that ….
Choi Jeokhyeon is far stronger than me, I would already go crazy (well, he’s crazy to begin with, but he should’ve been at least crazier)
Anyway, the song I recommended for this chapter,
Dean – dayfly
. While the song lyrics might not 100% fit, but the vibe of the song is really really fitting. It’s calming you in depressing way. There’s one particular lyrics that I really liked from this song, and that I think really suit our MC;
am I a bad person, or am I just in pain?
omg I WAS JUST GOING TO CLICK PUBLISH BUT THEN MY WIFI DIEEED ??? UNPROVOKEDLY ???? IN MIDNIGHT ???? what is this luck really, can whatever going on with the electronics hold on until my landlady comes back .. anyway i can’t waste my mobile data so i’ll just go sleep