1.
“Love will have its sacrifices. No sacrifice without blood.”
The passage was both unsettling and lovely; Amber etched the slice of Carmilla into her memory and kept reading.
Friday, almost 2 PM: Amber sat cross legged on Madaline’s bed as she read, trying to avoid thinking about what Madaline had confirmed earlier, that she was cutting off contact with work at 2 and would remain unavailable until Sunday. Meaning she would likely not be returning until Sunday as well.
On the bright side, Madaline was working, ostensibly anyway, off of her bed, stationed across from Amber, her legs crisscrossed, using her headphones as a headset while she spoke to her boss, her laptop left to the side on a pillow.
“Any machine priestess has superstitions, reboot three times, pull down the configuration data from the server,” she explained to her manager, “Right, that’s what I mean, I don’t need to know that it’s built into the firmware, just because I don’t know doesn’t mean that it’s not there… Wait what?” Madaline slicked her tongue across a glue strip. “What are you talking about?” She twisted her fingers slowly, finishing what she was doing, before hauling the laptop onto her lap for the first time in twenty minutes and got to clicking keys. “Oh, okay, my bad. I see it now, give me a minute.”
Madaline hammered keys as Amber turned pages, until:
“Right, is that good... Yeah,” She set the laptop aside once more and went back to work on her actual project of interest. “I’m only human Ollie, everybody makes mistakes, it’s Friday cut me some slack…"
On the other end of the line Ollie half teasingly chastised her.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Madaline said with sarcastic exasperation. “What am I doing over here? Obviously I’m pretending to work while sitting on my bed with a...mmm... medium small sized pile of weed, pre rolling joints while talking to you.”
Madaline actually harrumphed before taking another rolling paper out of a pack, liberally distributing ground up marijuana into it, licking the glue strip and rolling it with a practiced hand. She placed the finished joint into one of four baggies that contained it’s cousins, and started another.
“I know right," Madaline said, "That would be fucking ridiculous wouldn’t it. Who would do that?”
Amber couldn’t help but laugh.
Madaline glared at her fondly and put a finger up to her lips.
Amber pressed her mouth into a little amused line. Personally, she also thought medium small might be a bit of an understatement, but it was also the first pile of weed she'd ever seen in real life so she really couldn't judge. It was shrinking with Madaline's efforts though. So Amber just put her own efforts into not viewing it as a timer.
“Alright, where is he with that?” Madaline finished another joint and cracked a finger on the bedspread, “Ughhh, by golly Ollie I wouldn’t mind you giving me everyone’s job if you gave me all the money too, your asking me what I'm doing over here, what the fuck are you all doing over there, I mean what are we all doing, come on, manage this shit.”
Amber carefully watched the process by which she rolled the next joint, taking it in.
“Well, either way it’s not getting done till Monday... Fuck you, I’ll walk, you can’t blame me for this, that’s on them… No, I’m taking a quick vacation... Nope, you’re not going to be able to reach me, assume I’m going to the mountains, call Keith or whatever his name is… like I said whatever his name is... are we done yet… fuck… okay.” Madaline picked the laptop back up and went to work, chatting with Olivia as she did.
Amber refocused her attention on her reading.
Though she’d approached it with apprehension yesterday when she’d started, Carmilla wasn’t inducing any of the issues she’d worried it might cause her.
It was frightening and erotic and sinister and vivid and beautiful and captivating and yes, in some ways it was upsetting, like many of the gothics tended to be, but all and all, Amber could see no reason, as had happened when she was a teenager, that the book should make her so upset that she should feel ill and need to stop consuming it part of the way through, like a python trying to swallow a rhinoceros and regretting it's life choices.
She supposed she hadn’t been mature enough for it back then; just went to show the difference time and learning better emotional regulation skills, could make.
Her eyes caressed their way through the rows of words, stopping upon another passage, returning to read it again and again as she fell in love and committed it to memory.
“Girls are caterpillars while they live in the world, to be finally butterflies when the summer comes; but in the meantime they are grubs and larvae.”
Madaline shifted on the bed, abandoning her laptop, returning to work off the unfolded newspaper with the shrinking but still sizable pile of cannabis.
“Yeah,” she licked, talking to Ollie, “Alright, I’ll get it done by Tuesday. So are we good, can I go?” Madaline asked cheerfully, another joint down, another joint started, “Yeah, yeah… we’ll go again on Monday, alright then I’m going to let you go, this weed isn’t going to roll itself... “Bye Ollie, have a good weekend.” she killed the call and dropped the newest joint in a bag.
Amber glanced up from her book and looked at the bags newest resident, one side of the tightly curled paper was dark and damp with Madaline’s spit, unbidden the thought slid into her head, She’s sharing these with Rikka. And then, They’ve slept together... like slept together, she felt a dry click in her throat and banished the thought.
“Hey, princess, did you hear me?” said Madaline.
“What? Sorry. Um, no,” Amber said, her ears tinting red behind her hair.
Madaline pushed off the bed, “I said, I’m going to run down and take a quick shower, you need anything on my way back up?” Madaline asked, moving her laptop back to her desk, finding some clothes and snatching up her portable speaker.
“No, I’m fine, thank you.”
“Kay,” Madaline left the room.
Amber glanced again at the joint fresh with Madaline’s spit, the thought happened again, more blunt this time, like a hammer knocking gently at her skull, They’ve had sex, if-
She cut the thought off, not wanting to think about it, it was redundant after all, she didn’t actually know that…
Anyway, so what if they had? It wasn’t a big deal, Madaline was popular, it was unreasonable to think she wouldn't date from time to time and it was perfectly normal that after a couple dates people that liked each other would... It was hardly worth the energy to draw what was such an obvious conclusion.
The room was heavy with the plants sharp earthy smell, different from the phantom reek that Amber had sometimes encountered coming out of a few notorious cars in her High School parking lot or around random corners just out of sight at Mis-U.
It wasn’t a bad smell, it was actually rather interesting, but after over a month of being in Madaline’s room almost every day, she thought she preferred the room's more standard fare.
She found herself picking up the pillow the laptop had sat on, the long one Madaline liked to rest her head on or cuddle into when she slept; with no thought Amber set her book aside and pressed her face into the soft smooth surface of the pillow, drawing deep through her nose and there was the usual smell of the room, it made her stomach flutter a little: Leather, spearmint, sweat, apples, features she could list by heart, now concentrated.
She smells like midnight, the thought was automatic and faint.
Amber blinked into the surface of the pillow, her fingers sprung open and she dropped it.
That’s... She coughed and cleared her throat as though she were speaking out loud instead of inside her own head, That’s… a very odd thing to think and an even odder means of confirming that the room usually smells different.
Below she heard the shower hiss to life and Madaline’s music start up, Los Ageless by Saint Vincent.
She looked at the remainder of the plant matter before her, a rich dragon green; Amber didn’t think that it could cause intoxication without being burnt… but that would certainly explain why she had displayed such a strange behavior. She placed the pillow back, careful to return it to it’s exact starting position.
No, it’s not that weird, just checking… to see if her sheets need to be washed. I’ll get them tomorrow.
Amber shook her head and tried to return to Carmilla, before her mind could follow with: While she’s gone.
Her mind redirected the wrong way though, considering the convenience of clean sheets on Sunday if Madaline decided to come back in the early hours of the morning the way she usually did and-
Amber gave her head another shake and squinted at the words, narrowing her focus to the ink on the page, no, the last thing she needed to be ruminating about before Madaline's departure was Madaline's request to Simon on Wednesday:
2.
Madaline forked up a mouthful of meatloaf, chewed, swallowed, “Really good sauce Amber.” In her head, her jukebox skipped a record, over and over until Eddie Van Halen screaming, It’s all over but the shouting. Became a centralized backing track to her thoughts.
“Thanks,” Amber smiled, eating more, watching Madaline watch how much she was consuming and attempting to acquiesce to please her.
Madaline took a swig of her drink and turned to Simon as though something had just occurred to her, “Oh yeah, little brother land lord, got a question.”
Simon looked at Madaline suspiciously than cracked a smile. “The answer is yes Maddy, you can get me another beer.”
Madaline let a beat pass and shrugged, “Sure.” She went to the fridge, got each of them a beer and came back, cracking them, and setting one out for Simon.
Simon inspected the can he’d been brought, it was from a case that was pretty much marked out as Madaline’s, a local brew in tall silver cans labeled, Eraser Rain.
“Go on, I’ve seen you checking it out, it’s good, some people I know-” Madaline started, sipping her own.
Simon didn’t drink, he looked back at Madaline as if she were an armed bear trap.
“Okay, now I know you don’t actually want to ask me something. You don't have a question, you have an ask, you want something, and I’m not going to like it am I?”
“Fair, but either way don’t waste the beer… All I ask is you hear me out.”
“So that’s two asks then, also usually the first mistake anyone makes with you, but you got me the beer so... go on I guess,” he sighed.
“Guest policy,” Madaline drank beer and slid her fork through more meatloaf.
Amber and Simon both had similar thought processes, trying to work out just what she meant, while also experiencing the words as feeling conceptually intrusive and maybe even a bit alarming.
Amber looked at Madaline.
Madaline chewed and swallowed and didn’t look at Amber.
“Okay, the policy is you are a guest here, ” said Simon, uncomfortable.
“Actually, I believe at this point I’d be considered a tenet,” said Madaline barreling ahead, “Which means I feel it would not be unreasonable for me to have a friend ov-”
With this confirmation, Simon sputtered, looking as though Madaline had crept up and punched him in the back of the head, “You want to bring members of your little coven over here? No. Absolutely not.”
“Simon, just chill out for a second and listen to me, I’m not talking about a bunch of people, I’m not talking about random people and I don’t mean every day, not even a full day, say one night a week, Saturday morning during the early hours, you’ll never know they're- singular, they’re here, I just want to sleep- look, man, I hate having to do the walk of shame every time I decide to stay out for some fun. It’s such a pain.”
“Stop doing shit that’s shameful and the walk of shame won’t be an issue. No, Maddy, no, fuck no.”
Amber found herself glancing over at the empty fourth chair at the table, her mind slotting Rikka with her full body, purple streaked hair, and pretty, bloodshot eyes into the seat…
That might just be the easy outcome, Madaline knows so many people… could easily be someone so much…. worse?
The word worse gave her pause, she wondered just what she meant by worse, Rikka was perfectly nice, which yes, allowed many ways for people to be worse than her, but just what kind of worse was it that so concerned Amber as to have that thought?
From here her mind slid focus quickly, getting back to the subject she’d stumbled into when Rikka had first arrived at the cafe; pondering the concept of Madaline’s partner, the hypothetical girlfriend, the negative conceptual space. It was a pondering that was not all that dissimilar from brooding.
Amber had not yet come to any conclusion about the matter, other than Rikka wasn't it.
If she was being honest, the truth was the idea of meeting Madaline’s girlfriend filled her with a little… apprehension, or even- It was just so hard, because she really couldn’t conceive of anyone who was good enough to be Madaline’s partner, a close friend like Rikka... and herself, sure… but not anyone who could be Madaline's…
Paramour. The word rolled uncomfortably through Amber’s thoughts, she abandoned any pretense of eating and began cutting her food into increasingly smaller bits on her plate.
What would that person be like, would she be similar to Madaline, a sort of romantic fraternal twin or would she contrast Madaline, opposite but equal, a person who lacked components that Madaline had, but had components that Madaline required, locking together, filling up each others empty spaces.
I shouldn’t let myself get so wrapped up in this, besides… the issue is… guest policy and he’s going to say no, there’s no way he will agree to it. No way, which is totally unfair to Madaline, she’s right, he should absolutely say yes, but he’s still going to say no, so... Amber took a couple quiet but deep breaths, held them, stroked her wrist and began correcting the flow of her thoughts.
“Come on, man, I pay rent, I just want to sleep the night off in my own, rented guest bed. I like that bed. Seriously, have a heart … I’m- I’m doing good, don’t I deserve just a little consideration, positive reinforcement kind of thing, to keep me out of trouble, the happier I am here, the less likely I am to cause problems. Right?”
I need to stop being so… weird about stuff… why am I so weird about stuff, Amber thought, her fork clicking on her plate, If I'm going to be all concerned about Madaline's friends I should be focusing on how best to make sure they like me in case we ever run into one of them again- It's totally unproductive and pointless to fixate on... what? What her taste in… women is… Though I'm just saying if Rikka is the average or above someone really needs to tell Madaline that she can do- No, look, there’s no reason for me to feel this way, all she’s asking for is to be allowed a visitor so she doesn’t have to drive home every Saturday morning… that’s all she’s saying, doesn't even mean it's actually going to happen, she just wants the option.... to... to... but once again, that’s not that big of a request… the word girlfriend didn’t come up, she did not say anything about a girlfriend… I don’t know if she has a girlfriend right now, it’s never come up- If Simon says yes, which he won’t, there’s no way, but if he did, this is just someone she’s hanging out with that… just someone she’s going to end the night… just someone that'll be... with her at the end of her night.
“Madaline I can’t even-” Simon stopped and considered his sister’s words for a moment, his gaze sharpened, “Are you thinking about... causing problems?”
Madaline’s head bobbed back a little in surprise, “What? No. Bro, don’t be fucking paranoid about this, I just mean like science has proven comfort and joy is… a bullywark…”
“Bulwark.” Amber said automatically, shredding her little slice of loaf down to their atomic components.
Madaline snapped her fingers without looking in Amber’s direction, “Bulwark against poor decision making, I am not saying I’m tempted to make any sort of poor decisions that will in any way effect you.” She caught Simon’s gaze and looked him in the eye, speaking slowly and firmly, “I do not want that. I’m just saying I feel like I deserve some consideration, I pay rent, I’m doing good, right, so let’s keep the good doing going and the good times rolling."
Simon stared at her.
"This is not a fucking ultimatum," Madaline half laughed, half sighed, her finger cracking on the table, followed by her index and forefinger pinching at the air several times, "This is an ask, it was just a bullshit line, I’m not planning on fucking with… anything… I don't have a reason and I don't have any opportunities to and even if I did… “ She leaned in closer to Simon, until the angle made Amber vanish from her peripheral, her fingers pinched the air twice more, and her hand made a little flipping gesture, like flinging something away, “I don't want to…. I don't want to fuck up, Simon, I really don't... All this is is an ask from your loving sister to make her life slightly more comfortable.”
Amber gazed at Madaline, in spite of her own uncertainty about this request and she did feel uncertain, to say the least, she still found herself hungering for Madaline to quietly signal that she wanted Amber to jump in, to play off Madaline and help her talk to Simon. This was something they occasionally did together.
Ironically, probably the most notable cases of this kind of tag teaming had come without Madaline’s wordless request, just Amber jumping in of her own accord to make things happen.
It had been Amber after all who had convinced Simon to let Madaline stay. It had been Amber who had convinced Simon to let Madaline help her shop for clothes.
She waited, but Madaline still didn’t look at her.
Amber looked down at her plate and then back at Simon, who’s mouth was open in the middle of throwing down the judge’s gavel, an official act of putting the foot down, the negative answer he was most likely always going to give no matter what.
For a moment Simon’s eyes slid to Amber. She didn’t notice, too busy filing some paperwork in her head, updating the times Amber Orlet was right accounts, but then her stomach dropped when his mouth shut slightly before any sound could exit.
Amber watched as, without any prompting from her, without any real reason she understood, he actually began to consider the request.
What? What am I not gett- She sighed internally, Fine. Weird, I don’t know what I missed, but- so he’s going to consider it, but he’s not actually going to-
Simon sighed.
Amber’s heart did a nasty little twist in her chest,
“One night a week, not on my days off, ” said Simon.
There was a sound in Amber's head like water hitting red hot iron.
Madaline's head jerked a little and her hand snagged at the air, “ Ah yeah, totally, one night a week, not on your days off. Perfect,” Madaline agreed.
“I don’t see them, I don’t hear them. They come in when we’re asleep and leave either before we wake up,” Simon said, we indicating the party of him and Amber, “Or after I go to work. They stay in your room… or the downstairs bathroom, in case they need to get sick. They, singular. Other than that, I don’t want to know they’re here. If any... thing happens... any nonsense, anything get's broken, they ruin the carpet... a guest is a privilege, sister.”
“Not a problem. Sure, they won't break anything I swear."
"Oh, I'm not talking about them, I mean you."
Madaline quietly sucked her teeth and took it on the chin, "What about... right out the door even if you're already gone? Cup of coffee before they go? You know get them caffeinated before they drive. ”
Simon shrugged obnoxiously, “Fuck it, for an extra 20 bucks a month Maddy they can have a full continental breakfast if they want, as long as you make it.” At last he drank the beer, his face flinching slightly, he looked closer at the can and seemed to shrug at it as though in admission of it's quality.
“Tubular,” said Madaline, pulling a twenty out of her pocket and holding it out to Simon.
Simon looked tempted to take it, but didn’t, “Don’t be a smart ass Maddy, cup of coffee, I’m fair but then I want them gone,” he drank more beer and couldn't help but smile at it, “Okay that is just-”
“It’s good right?” said Madaline, putting her money away and returning to her food.
“Yeah, I can’t even try to downplay it, no, that is shockingly good.”
"Why try to downplay it, good beer is good beer," said Madaline drinking.
"I've learned it's best not to give you that kind of ground in such negotiations."
"Hmmm," Madaline hummed.
Amber sipped at her water, unable to feel anything but shocked that this had gone this way and trying to hold the consideration of what this might mean at bay.
It doesn't mean anything it's not a big deal. Nothing is a big deal!
Simon drank again, thirty seconds passed and then one last note sprang up in a post script:
“Madaline, “ Simon pronounced the syllables of her name just a little too quickly, suddenly strangely uneasy, he set the can back on the table.
“Simon?” Madaline drawled, her teeth scraping just a bit on her fork.
He held up a finger at her, “Not… not… you know… not them, understand?”
Madaline puzzled at him uncertain as to what he was saying, then her head bobbed back slightly in recognition.
For a moment there was another pause and Amber watched as Madaline's shoulders jumped an eighth of an inch and her mouth twitched.
A laugh, one of her little ones, but she was subduing it.
She tucked her tongue in her cheek momentarily instead of releasing the little blush of air that made the laugh more identifiable as what it was, but then Madaline's mouth thinned, her palms slid once across each other; signs of what might have been the tiniest sheen of discomfort in contrast to the humor, as though two separate impulses were competing.
After a couple seconds her tongue came out of her cheek and she nodded, “Nah, no, not them, of course not, I’m not stupid. I mean they bot- I haven’t talked- Yeah, no, Simon, not them, of course not. ”
Amber started considering the broken bits of information she'd acquired, sifting the batch for any viable assets to paint a picture of how this had gone the way it had, but in the end found she could discover no useful insights.
Thus, as she did the dishes, she caught control over her thoughts once more and stumbled around telling herself, that if Madaline actually brought somebody back with her, which wasn't a guarantee, just an option that was now open, but if she did, well, Amber had Simon, but Madaline probably got lonely sleeping alone all the time anyway and therefore, This is good. I should be happy- I am happy. I'm happy for her and I'm happy things worked out.
She told herself that over and over, until what had just been agreed to found a place to hang in the back of her brain. From there Amber successfully ignored it, until it was time to sleep.
3.
“You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent the more selfish. How jealous I am you cannot know. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me, and still come with me, and hating me through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature.”
Gorgeous, Amber thought, reading the passage over and over, not dissecting but vivisecting it, for passages as wonderful as this continued to breathe, vibrant and alive; she loved it so, the contradictory nature of the statement, an apathetic essence that was not apathetic at all but a vizard upon a container of tumultuous feeling, monumental longing most of all.
Amber kept on, losing herself in the ebb and flow of the words until, around the time the Doors began to play from Madaline's speaker downstairs, she felt Serpentine’s return.
Amber turned a page, Back again I see and I was having such a nice afternoon, said Amber, not allowing the snake to speak first, attempting to establish a sense of control from which she hoped Serpentine wouldn’t be able to totally distabalize her.
Sure, as long as you think around things instead of thinking about them. Like it? The book, I mean.?
I’m enjoying myself, Amber said cautiously, It’s good, it never wasn’t, anything that can draw out feeling is good, even if the feeling is unpleasant, but I’m waiting to pass judgement on if I like it or not for when I actually finish it.
Hmmm. Do you remember it being this homoerotic?
Yes...Carmilla is very clear about her… affections.
What about Laura?
She seems… a little more uncertain. I never got to her really resolving those feelings. I suppose given the texts treatment of Carmilla as both lesbian and monster and having those things be connected, plus when it was written and that it was written by a man… I suppose in the end she’ll see Carmilla as a monster, that's got to be the inevitable resolution, like Harker and Dracula, for better or worse, there’s no way the author ends this with Laura’s positive feelings about Carmilla intact, it certainly won’t end with them in love and Laura becoming a vampire.
Hmmm, interesting way you put that.
How so? It's true.
No, your estimation is probably right, regardless I’m glad you’re feeling so engaged with it, but...
But what?
Doesn’t it seem a little bit familiar? Serpentine said, her voice low.
Amber swallowed a little, I read half of it at fifteen so I would kind of hope it would feel familiar. Plus, I’ve read Dracula, and it was obviously an influence. Like the best part of Dracula clearly comes out of this book.
Her mind flashed for a moment from one novel to the other, Jonathan Harker being… accosted by the three brides while in bed, before Dracula interfered- intervened, however you wanted to put it.
Serpentine chuckled, They’re similar, but not the same, even what’s similar is quite distinct and it’s in the distinction that I see the familiarity.
This was alright, if Serprentine wanted to talk lit, that was something she could do, if she wasn’t going to shut up and go away permanently, this was a good road to be headed down, enjoyable even, stimulating, a method of deep reading.
Let me lay it out for you. May I? Serpentine asked.
Yes, this was alright, but though there was no hint of a knife in her voice Amber could sense it, under her clothes so to speak, she could see it’s outline.
You’re being awfully deferential today.
I enjoy the book… same as you. As I said the other day, I have no desire to quarrel with you Amber, and just because a person has a blade doesn’t mean they’ll use it for any nefarious purpose or even use it at all. Let me cut into this, princess.
And if I said no?
Then I’ll let you read.
Amber chewed her lip, she knew the safe answer was to tell Serpentine to leave, but… Amber was curious, she wanted to know. Really wanted to know. Okay, go ahead.
Harker goes to Dracula’s castle, he’s the visitor. Laura lives in the castle and Carmilla comes to her. So, in Carmilla, what we have is the story of a young woman, lonely, isolated and sheltered. Her only real contact beyond the servants, is a man, her father. She has no one her own age or gender to connect with, and if we do read her as a repressed lesbian… well that adds other connotations as well. Following me?
Sure, yeah.
Good, now into this situation comes this girl, a peer, but also very very different from her, you know. She is passionate, and captivating and beautiful and worldly and gay and in almost no time they become the best of friends or… connotations… spending just so much time together. She fills Laura’s gray lonely world with color and complicated feelings she’s never felt before, she fills it with warmth and fun and... music... Serpentine paused.
Amber puzzled over the description, and began turning back pages in the book, looking for what she'd missed, Music, you must have made a mistake, I don’t remember anything about music.
I didn’t make a mistake.
Amber stopped, her nose wrinkling a little, I should never have- Go away.
It’s a similar story is all I’m saying, I don’t know why that idea bothers you.
We both know you can bend anything to fit anything if you try hard enough, you know it, from a certain perspective you could argue mine and Madaline’s relationship looks a lot like Prospero and Ariel’s from the Tempest.
Okay, Serpentine agreed readily, "Sure, so... which is which and who is who in that setup?
Madaline’s voice swirled in the background behind Serpentine, It’s kind of like a leash.
Amber shoved that down. I- No, I’m not- Amber took a deep breath, her teeth clicked together.
Amber, I swear I am not trying to upset you, we’re just having a friendly talk about the literature we both love, there’s no reason to grow irate with me because Madaline is leaving you behind again. I sympathize with those feelings.
Amber hated that, hated when she made it sound like Amber was the one causing problems, like she was the crazy one, the one with the abnormal thoughts, I am not upset that Madaline is going out, why would I be upset and if I was a little upset it would be because my brain likes to stir the pot and get me worked up, but that’s not what’s bothering me.
Alright, what’s bothering you? Serpentine responded with the undeserved tone of an understanding therapist.
You, you’re what’s bothering me, but most of all right now what bothers me is what a lackluster analysis of the text you’ve presented. You’re being so…. So…. totally selective, and you’re doing it to upset me, which fine, that’s all you ever want to do anyway, I’m getting used to it, but the real problem is how in the process of doing that you have insulted my friend. Amber emphasized the word my in my friend.
I have? Please enlighten me.
Madaline is not like Carmilla in the least, that comparison only works if you read the first quarter of the book at most, and still very selectively. So selectively, you have to rip out entire pages from the start to get there. Yes, Madaline like Carmilla for Laura has brought a great deal of… comfort and joy to my life, I am so happy that she is my friend. Amber emphasized the word friend. But that is not all Carmilla does, she does not simply bring comfort and joy, she also takes from Laura, steals, Laura gets sick as the book goes on, because Carmilla steals… her life from her. Madaline doesn’t do that, all Madaline does is give, she doesn’t take anything.
Amber tried to slow her heart, she was breathing too hard, worked into a fervor. Serpentine was quite for a moment, Amber could almost feel her considering.
Madaline only gives, huh? Yeah, I see what you’re saying. Alright, that’s a fair critique of my analysis of the situation, you’re right, the situation as I described it maps at best superficially.
Great, glad we could have this debate, now, why don’t you get down on your belly and slither back to your hole.
Serpentine laughed, full of good cheer, You’re point stands, but I think I’m seeing something of a common issue in both our analyses, an error we both started with.
Oh, yeah? What’s that? What mistake did we both make? Amber thought bitterly.
You're not Laura, Amber, said Serpentine.
What, I never said-
All I'm saying is in each of our comparisons we both made the error of thinking of you as analogous to Laura, said Serpentine, But that really falls apart under scrutiny.
Like I said, I never- Amber's teeth clicked together, I'm not, I'm obviously not, but I'm more- What do you mean by that?
Serpentine picked up the thread of the wailing tail end of the Door’s Not To Touch the Earth, stealing the final line from Jim Morrison’s mouth and made it her own, ominously intoning, I’m the lizard queen, I can do anything. She chuckled, Love that line, see you later, Amber.
Serpentine was gone.
Below, Madaline’s speaker went silent.
Amber could hear her heart beating in her ears, accompanied by an unseemly thumping in her temples, she snapped her book shut.
She looked at one of the bags of pre rolled joints, at the one Madaline had last added, the final joint she’d produced, still damp with her saliva.
The image of Madaline licking glue strips spun about through Amber’s head intercut for just a fraction of a second with Rikka getting on her toes and pressing her mouth to Madaline's, just casually, like it was nothing, like anybody could just do THAT and-
Amber scowled at the bag.
Soon Madaline would finish this up, take it with her and then she’d be gone and Amber would be left in the quiet.
The scowl turned to a sneer, and before she could think about what or why, she snatched the joint up, Madaline’s spit transferring onto her fingers by way of capillary action.
Amber shoved the joint into her bra, rubbing her fingers together, after a second her head swung to the door; the realization of what she’d just done breaking her fervor. She started to reach into her bra to pull the joint out and put it back, but stopped, deadlocked between the urge to return it and the feeling that she’d earned it.
But… I haven’t… and why I’ve never even smoked anything...I..
She hesitated another few seconds, her hand moving back and forth a few inches and then she shook her head, she needed to fix this and trying to work it out was taking too much time.
She pulled a paper out of the pack, and cautiously began the process she’d seen Madaline perform several times.
Her first attempt came out loose and fell apart.
She tried again, flecks of cannabis sticking under her nails.
Her second attempt was sealed but disproportionate, easily identifiable as not one of Madaline’s.
The third attempt was more successful, a possible passable imitation of Madaline’s work, something that could maybe get lost in a crowd. She checked it over, it was just a little thin and kind of crooked, bent slightly in a couple spots like it had been gently stepped on and survived... but she'd really prefer to make sure it was per-
Amber jumped as she heard Madaline coming back up the stairs now, no time for a fourth attempt, she tossed it in the bag, and the remains of the papers from her failures in the trash. She looked at the joint, dark with her own saliva and felt the strangest urge to take it back out and hand it directly to Madaline, because as she understood it these bags were to share with people and really any one could get-
Stop being crazy. Why would that matter? All that matters is she doesn’t know I stole one.
Madaline was coming.
Amber popped her book back open.
Madaline entered, drinking a big glass of water and holding an apple.
Her hair wet, she looked radiant in a form fitting black jump suit, her muscled arms on complete display.
“Hey,” Madaline said. She leaned over her desk and clicked some keys, music resumed from the equipped speakers, change of genre, change of period, Acid Raindrops by People Under the Stairs.
“Hey,” said Amber with a smile, happy to have her back for now at least, before she fled off into the afternoon and evening, off into the magic.
Madaline climbed back onto the bed, crunched her apple down to air, then resumed rolling, bouncing her head to the music, after three joints she stopped.
Amber squirmed as she looked into the bag Amber had deposited the replacement joint in. She kept a hold of herself, not letting the panic show at all as Madaline slid Amber’s joint from the bag.
She turned pages, the very picture of innocence, old survival skills from childhood kicking in, years of practice keeping a poker face when it was deadly necessary.
“This isn’t mine. Did you roll this?” Madaline asked.
Don’t freak out, you have another angle. She just noticed the one you put in not the one you took out. Handle it.
“Um, yeah,” Amber said, casually.
"And here Simon's all worried about me corrupting you, didn't realize you were so hip as the kids like to say."
Amber giggled, her ears hued faintly crimson, "I'm not, I just wanted to try it out.... making them I mean.”
Madaline smirked. “Rolling, you wanted to try out rolling?”
“Uh-huh, you know, it's kind of like origami.”
Madaline inspected the joint in her hand, “This is pretty alright for a girl that isn't hip," she said, voice warm and complimentary.
"Thanks," Amber said out loud, her voice humble but pleased. I was in a hurry, I can do better, I can make it perfect, Amber said internally, in a thought that felt a little like lurching forward.
"Looks a little funny, couple of weird angles to it, but no breaks, it'll smoke fine."
Amber thought of Doctor Stein's cigarettes in Soul Eater, how they would become implausibly bent, almost jagged when he was going mad.
Then her most talkative internal companion slithered back through like she'd forgotten her keys, only offering a single comment, One could even say it has something of an understated serpentine quality to it.
Amber started to hush her even as Serpentine was leaving, but her brain was brought to silence as she watched Madaline draw one of her long fingers along the damp edge where Amber had sealed it. Then she did it again.
"You ever rolled anything before?”
"Sorry, what?"
Have you ever rolled anything before? At all? Regular cigarettes?Like for someone else?"
Amber shook her head.
Madaline nodded, “How many tries did this take you?”
“I only used three papers, that’s the third.”
Madaline shook her head, grinning “You wanted to try it out? Most people need a little more trial and error and a little walk through, how did you...”
“I learned it by watching you.”
Madaline looked at her and started laughing,nodding, “Okay, you learned it by watching me. You are something else.”
All remnants of the initial panic fell away and Amber glowed.
Madaline looked at the joint in her hand once again, thinking hard, convoluting the cigarette between the tips of her middle finger and thumb, rotating it forward and back, but never all the way around, hitting half way then reversing until it reached the opposite point. At last she hit one far end for a final time and stopped, returning Amber’s joint back to the bag where it came from, allowing her index finger to caress the drying edge one more time before she did.
Madaline selected a new paper, hot dogged it, scooped up a mighty pinch of flower and poured it into the paper, she added a little more, shifted the amount around to even it out, then with two fingers began to curl the paper, rolling it in on itself towards her until it was tight with only the glue strip exposed, she slashed her tongue, spun the paper once more to close it and twisted both of the ends.
Into a bag it went and her hands went for another paper.
She stopped, glancing at Amber with her book, she chuckled, tore out several more papers and threw the pack at Amber’s legs, “Do another.”
"Why?" Amber asked, looking up.
Madaline shrugged, "If you want to."
Amber nodded her head and after a moment slipped a fresh paper, thinner than a flower petal, out of the pack
Joint number four was better than three, nearly perfect, but number five was indistinguishable from Madaline’s, as were the ones that followed.
Around number ten:
"This stuff is... it's like fully legal now, right? You told Simon you could get it in the store?"
Madaline gave her a crooked grin, "Why? What if it's not?"
Amber opened and closed her mouth, the joint hidden in her bra seemed to sizzle against her chest. She shrugged. She didn't know. "Well I wouldn't turn you in, to like the police or Simon."
Madaline laughed, "It's basically legal with stipulations... in this state. Federally, not so much. So if you're looking for a new job try to keep it under a hundred plants or the feds will come knock out your door, though, historically lacking the presence of plants doesn't guarantee safety from that either." Madaline licked a glue strip and spun to finish,
"What's it like?"
"Depends, baseline, it's an intoxicant, sensitizer, as far as drugs go not a very big deal, better for you than alcohol."
Amber nodded.
They finished Madaline’s pile.
Amber found it a fairly relaxing task in itself while possessing the fascination of novelty, thus without lighter or match it lulled her into a total state of false security that shattered like glass when the moment they finished Madaline immediately began packing a few items into a small duffel bag.
I accelerated things.
“Thanks for your help, princess. So, ah, you and Simon won’t be able to get a hold of me for anything until tomorrow afternoon, probably after five” she said picking up her bag and shrugging on her jacket.
I am not coming back tonight, stop hoping anythings going to change that. You here,me where ever I'm going... Deadhouse, Madaline said in Amber's head.
“Yeah,” Amber smiled, “No problem.” Five isn’t the afternoon, that’s the evening, Amber thought numbly in her own voice. Fine, yes, she's going, I'm staying and that's fine, nothing’s changed really, nothing is really that different at the end of the day, just a little less time and… maybe she lets a friend… sleep over… but nothing is really that different...
The room was filled with the harsh grinding sound of the duffels zipper closing.
All packed.
“Feel free to chill in here and read and whatever.”
“Okay, thanks.”
Amber remained on the bed. Madaline stood. They looked at each other, stationed in a moment of silence, almost like they were waiting for the other to say something to change the situation in someway. For Amber to ask to go, for Madaline to ask Amber if she wanted to go, for Amber to ask Madaline to stay, for Madaline to ask Amber if she wanted her to stay. Neither of them thought about it in those terms, but it was there.
And then after a second they both began to speak, each name in the other's mouth, both totally unsure what they’d say past that point, but as they'd both spoken at once, both stopped, attempting to avoid interrupting the other and it's in that emptiness that Madaline’s phone began to play music: electronic rubber band twanging and repetitive chanting of the simple but declarative words: I'm invisible.
Madaline laughed a little and wiped at her forehead, “Sorry one sec,” Madaline retrieved her phone from her pocket and answered. She put on a hyper professional voice for the initial greeting, “Hi, you’ve reached the regional sales office of Wow It’s Her’s and Her’s Howitzers, how can we get you on target today?”
Amber cracked a little smile, one that flattened back out with the odd jubilant insistence of the voice on the other end of the phone:
“Maddy where are you?”
Maddy was what Amber heard, but not the word the caller used, off by one letter and only worth eight points in Scrabble rather than the twelve you’d get for the truncation of Madaline's name.
“I am literally walking out the door as we speak, Bimbo. Where are you two, you girls racked up?” Madaline slung her bag tighter around her shoulder, as the voice on the end of the phone took off like a machine gun, chattering rapidly.
“I'm not going to be late," Madaline assured, exasperated, trying to get a word in, she sighed as the voice kept going, a perpetual bomber run of hyper verbal enthusiasm.
Madaline turned a little away from Amber and when she did Amber could no longer follow the already difficult to catch transmission through the air.
Madaline settled her heels in and let the voice go, only letting out an acknowledgement here and there, checking her nails, hitting her vape, seeming to wait for the voice to either run out of steam or for something else to happen.
It took two minutes, but at last somebody else seemed to seize the phone from the original party,
“There we go, hey E, it sounds like somebody missed a set of meds or are you keeping her clean for the festivities... Uh-huh, well don't blame me, she's kind of been a little all over the place lately. Are you two on site? Uh-huh, cool... No, that's what I told her, I'm still leaving my place over on the east side... I'll be there on time.... I'm not waiting till the last minute, I was literally headed out the door, I'd be gone right now if you hadn't called... Look, I'll be there early to help set up... Depends what am I grabbing.... Snapshells? Kay, yeah, there's that little hole in the wall sex shop on 78 I can pick them up on my way, how many am I getting... Is ten cases going to be enough... Alright. I'll see if they'll give me a deal. "
It took a couple of minutes for Amber to swallow the added destination to Madaline's route, but managed it. Not that it matters, but it sounds like she's grabbing something for someone else.
Once her brain turned it over it took a little longer to force down the reality of Madaline casually picking up something so likely... intimate.... as whatever she was doubtlessly getting.
Or ten cases so maybe condoms... snapshells... It's not-
Amber held her breath until the consideration went away, in the end it was really a minor thing, nothing to fixate on.
A minor thing atop a pile of minor things.
I don't know, why are you asking me, I'm not there yet, talk to Cam or Louisa get her on task for something or have her do I don't know a pre event good night and good luck stream, just remind her not to say you know... the things not to say... seriously, are you really having that much difficulty... well I'm excited too, look you know how to handle her, mother knows best... I can't get there till you let me go... Right, love you both.”
Something in Amber flinched a little at the call ending that way.
Another moment of silence began, Madaline shook her head, smiling slightly, she slid her phone back in her pocket, “Sorry, Princess you were trying to say something? Before she called?”
“Um, just…" Amber shrugged, "Have a good time and be safe, you know.”
“Right, absolutely,” Madaline grinned, “You have a good weekend, please remember to eat... stuff, I’ll see you… Sunday.”
“Sunday, yeah, um, okay, be safe, please.” I already said that.
“Don’t worry, it’s all friendlies where I'm going,” Madaline smiled.
She hesitated for a second before leaning down and wrapping Amber in a tight hug, for a moment Amber was able to relax into the warmth.
Then Madaline was letting her go and saying goodbye.
Then Madaline was going downstairs.
Then Madaline was going out the door.
Amber stood up, her book falling from her lap as she went to Madaline’s window which looked out on the front of the house, she watched as Madaline placed her bag in the trunk of her car. She got in the driver’s side door, shut it, the engine roared to life, music carried up from the driveway for a moment, the central sample from a Faux Fop and the Carabineer track, a woman singing, her voice sorrowful and ethereal: "I’m a grenade. I’m a grenade. I’m a grenade."
The track made it through two more cycles before Madaline pulled the car out and blew away.
Amber’s bottom lip felt oddly large on her face, the singing continued to echo in her head until she swallowed her feelings. Stop being weird. Stop being unfair.
She sat back down on Madaline’s bed, her body a little more slumped than she would like anyone to ever see; once again everything was so quiet.
Nothing’s different, not that different, not really… but... why does it feel like things...
She reached out and thumbed the edge of Madaline’s pillow, before yanking her hand away.
Stop being weird. All in my head.
She stationed herself back at the center of the bed as she had been before, picking up the copy of Carmilla and thumbing at it’s pages absently for a few moments, until a sharp pain in her thumb broke her melancholy daze.
She checked a tiny cut, a little bead of blood pushing out from her flesh. She thrust her thumb in her mouth, sucked it, the cut was tiny, the slightest tinge of copper on her pallet, faint but noticeable and then it was gone. She checked the cut, found it clotted and returned to thumbing at the book, this time with the opposite appendage.
Amber looked around the room without Madaline in it, down at the bed, It’s like the raft.
4.
Amber had dreamed of a raft on Wednesday night, hours after Madaline and Simon’s discussion.
Compared to the intense mind games plus pornography of her recent return to school and the Neo gothic spectacle that awaited her on Sunday morning, this was fairly low key, uneventful, she hadn’t needed to stuff it down or anything once it was over, ultimately safe, it continued existing fairly unencumbered in her head, though that didn't mean she cared to think about it too much, whether she wanted to admit it or not, the school dream would make for a far more pleasant recollection.
She’d laid down in bed a little after five AM, once again finding herself having to repeat the mantra that she should be/was happy that Madaline would have someone special to cuddle and... sleep with, the way she had Simon.
Falling into the dream as pink light rose out the window, she found herself the lone occupant of a raft floating about the still, glass like waters of an ocean, not a hint of land in any direction, the blistering blue of the sea and the sky painful in their loneliness, the sun bearing down on her in all it’s sadism, scrutinizing her like an insect through a magnifying glass.
After sometime she’d looked below the vast waters and saw, Madaline, gorgeous as a mermaid, her eyes glittering in the dark, her hair fanning out around her. She smiled and waved up to the girl trapped on her raft, living under the threat of being crushed by the belligerent sky.
Amber overjoyed, waved back, expecting Madaline to surface and say hello, but then she saw there were other mermaids down in the depths with Madaline, most of them shadowy silhouettes, Rikka alone was clear and had the closest proximity, but there were others, figures with names Amber’s mind had in the past tried to imagine, E and Paulina and Imani and Jazz.
The mermaids began to dive, disappearing, Madaline waited behind for a moment, looking up at Amber, she shrugged, waved once more and then without another glance followed the others down into the dark of the ocean.
Amber sat on her raft, looking for another glimpse of her friend, unable to follow, wishing very badly that Madaline would come back.
She hadn’t.
In the end the uneventfulness of the dream was perhaps part of it’s cruelty, because for the remainder of it’s runtime nothing else happened; the sun just beat down on Amber perpetually, leaving her thirsty and alone.
The dream had lasted a very long time.