Track 17: All My Friends Are Heathens

1.

The word, haunt, has several meanings, including, but not limited to:

1.) Noun, A location frequented recurrently by a specific group of people.

2.) Noun, A place where animals live.

3.) Verb, To be persistently on one's mind.

1791 Pascal Way sat several miles outside of South Providence in Emmleeton; a secluded locale inundated with woods, the road was once home to many houses but now only three remained as memorials to a more prosperous time, two at the turn off across from each other and 1791 at the dead end.

The house was tall and coffin shaped when seen from head on, it was owned by old South Prov petty nobility, the Landry family, but nobody least of all the Landrys themselves actually wanted to live there, it’s amazing what the economic annihilation of an area and a purported multiple murder nearly 70 years ago can do for the notoriety of a place.

The Landrys kept it locked and performed basic upkeep, sending a crew out once a year, halting the march of perpetual decay, more out of a sense of familial responsibility than anything else and they certainly never stepped foot on the grounds themselves, thus the house lived on, otherwise untouched and forgotten, or so they thought:

It was only a mausoleum until the very second the family took one of their prolonged and frequent trips abroad, after which a grey sheep relative, who they also thought about as little as legally necessary, would make a phone call and from there a very particular set of enthusiastic but non paying tenants swooped in like vultures and went at it like unsealing a precious tomb.

Cleaning up the dust, rigging the water and power back on and filling out necessities that weren't already there, left behind from a prior visit.

When they got word of the Landry's imminent return, word went around, items were removed or stashed and the house was put back in stasis, they'd been doing this for roughly six years and no one was the wiser.

Simon sarcastically called this exclusive little group, the Coven. They did not describe themselves using that name, or any name seriously, they were a tight network but far too informal for a proper name, however given their anti- assimilation values and their cliquish tendencies, the name was far more appropriate than Simon realized.

They called the locale Deadhaus; their stomping grounds were wide spread, shared homes and rooms and spaces, as well as places they knew that would either welcome them or else they could push into for a good time, but in terms of just being together, just them as a collective collected at the heights of their numbers, Deadhaus was by far their favorite haunt.

It was a hive of activity by the time Madaline pulled her car around, waving at Qumar smoking on the porch, the sun threatening to go down behind the trees.

Madaline parked her vehicle, at the side of the house, next to five others, got her bag from the trunk and the heavy box she’d stopped for and proceeded to the porch, watching as Qumar pulled out a permanent marker and ticked off Madaline’s arrival on their arm with a diagonal slash.

Madaline kicked at the door, brown with dust and age, it opened a crack, several eyes blinking in a little slash of dark before it swung wide and hands emerged, one set kind enough to take the box from her, the others gripping and nearly pulling her through the threshold.

She hadn’t been to such a gathering such as this since she herself had returned to the states, and the greetings of so many of her friends at once was experienced as a sensory storm; Hymara and Ophelia's arms around her, Hazel’s lips against hers. Imani’s on her cheek. Rowan’s on her pulse.

Raven and Keiko smirked, but restrained themselves to waves and smiles their hands busy with other matters, one supporting the other as they put up fairy lights.

Same for Fernanda who journeyed slowly through the room carrying a smoking incense box.

Madaline walked out of the swarm, a little dizzy, shaking her head at them all, their excitement always increased exponentially the more of them that came together, surging greetings of this type were common at events like this.

Madaline got her feet back under her, as they scattered back to whatever they’d been doing before she’d knocked, she tried stepping into the hall to the kitchen just in time for Rikka to teleport into her path; another set of lips.

“Hello Spacecase,” Madaline said.

“Hey Maddy, snapshells?”

“Somebody grabbed the box so a tongue could be shoved in my-” she searched around with her finger to find the box that had been taken from her. “Where the fuck did my box go?”

“She said to her doctor at about five years old,” quipped Raven as she passed with a new bundle of fairy lights.

Laughter.

“Ha ha, what a riot you are Rae, but wrong, I was fourteen and I was demanding to know when I was going to start growing tits.”

“I got it here, Madaline,” said Ainsly, struggling the box over to her.

Madaline took it from her and kissed the top of her head in thanks.

“You have any idea where I’m going with the fifteen boxes of hippy crack,” she said, turning back to Rikka.

Rikka thumbed open the box, still in Madaline's arms, “I’ll take good care of them and I think Cam will have your cash in the kitchen.”

“Cool,” Madaline set the box at Rikka’s feet, dropped her duffel and unzipped it.

“Ooo, what else you got?” Rikka asked.

“Dandy as promised, music, various odds and ends," Madaline removed the bags of joints and handed them to Rikka.

“Thank you, thank you,” said Rikka inspecting the joints.

“Yeah, stash them and you’re on staggered distribution. Needs of the many and all that.”

“Artisanal,” said Rikka.

Madaline slung the bag back around her shoulders and tried to get around Rikka to go up the slender passage.

“Hey,” Rikka said, stopping her, “What about your sound system?”

“Told you, we’ve got that old one here. When I get into my new place, mine is getting bolted down so you better deal with that.”

“S’not bolted down yet, you should have brought yours, eh- whatever,” she glanced at the case of CDs visible inside Madaline’s duffel, “Better question, when are you going to make me a song, all the bitches ever get songs named after them, but there’s no songs called Rikka?” she whined.

“Not today, don’t have my guitar,” Madaline responded, the fingers on her left hand twitching.

“Aw, you don’t need your gee-tar,” she said, evidence of her transplant identity slipping momentarily into her speech, “Seriously, I’ve known you for years, when am I getting a song?”

Madaline found herself cracking her forefinger, suddenly struck by a wave of awful frustration that seemingly had no cause, but decidedly wasn’t about Rikka, she found her lips moving, opening a door in the conversation she shouldn’t be, her voice exasperated, “Spacecase, to my memory I’ve only ever made one song that could be named after a girl, remember, one night only live rendition."

Rikka thought, face turned up.

Fuck why, where the fuck is my head at... Maybe, I’ll get lucky and she won't-

Rikka cackled.

I never get lucky.

“Oh, gawwwddd, that was the best thing ever, like did you see her face, fuck somebody had to have caught it on cam, like the exact moment she knew how fucked she was,” Rikka said bouncing.

Madaline kept her face passive instead of groaning, but couldn't help wincing as Rikka began to recite:

“Tuesdays with Maddy and Sundays playing footsie with funnies.” She sangsonged, awkwardly pushing her voice higher towards a girlish falsetto, which while scratchy and skilless was a close approximation of a favored trick of Madaline’s performances, but Rikka failed to execute the second part of it. She kept her voice high through the entire line instead of even attempting the flip into the coke and rum fueled straight razor tone it was supposed to hit during the second half, but beyond that there was a far bigger issue.

Had she heard Rikka right? Madaline really didn't want to talk about this, it was a bad subject to bring up today, but her ego wouldn't allow her to walk it off without commenting.

"Rikka, you were there, how... funnies? Is that what you think I said, like you obviously got the point, but...”

Everybody got the point...

From the corner of her eye Madaline caught E standing down the hall, raising her eyebrows and knocking her glasses up her nose.

“That is so far off the actual verse... I can’t even… Rikka, the line is... Tuesdays with Mad Maddy the Tranny and Sundays Fun days playing footsie with FUNDies... how? ” Madaline said, appalled.

Rikka shrugged, managing to look only slightly embarrassed, “Okay fine, so my memory isn't great, but I remember that it was awesome, never seen a rich bitch's house get tactically nuked before."

Tactical is right... Madaline's brain started up a tune, can't go back, went too far, rock n roller slaughtered the video star.

"How many subs did she end up losing?” Rikka asked.

“Last I knew approximately the same amount that I helped her get, which was the goal," Madaline lied, "My point is, think about it, my track record for making songs named after girls, not great, do you really want to go on that list?” Madaline said, trying to avoid coming off as uncomfortable as she was.

It’s on me, I brought it up. Didn’t have to say that... Heck, I didn't have to do what I did either to make the memory in the first place.

Rikka ignored her point and kept reminiscing, “Right and the bit about-”

The conversation was picking up attention and Madaline was grateful to watch Estelle step around Hazel, she gripped Madaline’s arm in a greeting, stretched up and kissed her softly on the cheek.

“Rikka, sweetie, let it go,” Estelle said, her voice deferential but protective.

“Why, we got so many people who weren't around back then, we need to tell them all, do you have like a recording of it, like the whole thing? Jesus, it was…” Rikka stopped and looked closer at Madaline, her face puckering in concerned disbelief, “Wait, really, like… still? You’re still... Come on, Maddy, she…”

“Rikka,” Estelle insisted, her voice more firm, “Why don’t we do a friendly one twenty-one .”

Madaline sighed, “It’s fine, E. It’s on me. Yeah, Spacecase, I still have mixed feelings,” Madaline said, before she threw up a big grin, “Hey I picked a great day for thinking about it, could totally use a little more of that introspective nightmare.”

“Maddy come on-”

“Rikka,” Estelle said.

At last, Rikka shut up and clenched her teeth, seeming on the verge of apologizing for at least her half of the conversation.

Fuck my life, I can't deal with this. I need to- Her brain flashed, the lyrics of Miami 2 Ibiza jumping into her head, the first line of the fifth verse glowing red with potential Screw it, shake it off, your in it, fuck your way through it, play the game.

Madaline laughed to break the tension, trying to get the vibes back on track, she stepped out of Estelle’s grasp and reached around into Rikka’s pocket, taking her time extracting the phone she knew she’d find there.

Rikka squeaked.

Madaline smirked.

Estelle looked on, still slightly concerned, but chuckled, curious.

Madaline held out the phone, “Unlock it for me, go on,” she urged.

Rikka did as she was bid.

Madaline found the voice record app and turned it on, thinking for a moment, and dead toned a simplistic top of the head limerick into it:

“Once there was a devious dealer named Rikka.

She said fuck your gee-tar, slut, make me a feature.

Taking a shot and putting me on the spot

expecting me to rhyme and sing was just the sort of thing

That told everybody that this bitch Rikka

was nothing but a devious dealer diva.”

Madaline clicked the phone off, held Rikka’s gaze, stepped forward and jammed it into Rikka’s shirt with a grin. “There you go, now remember off the cuff composition isn’t my strong suit, especially without my guitar, but then again you don’t need the lyrics to be too Cohen or Dylan or Hill or Fiasco do you Spacecase? Take that to Fernanda or call up Zai, one of them can loop it, and set it to drums so you can bounce your ass on your dildo to it, that’s what you’re really hot for, no wonder you don’t give a fuck about my guitar.”

A couple of others in ear shot giggled.

“I’ll record it for you if the price is right,” Rikka retorted.

“You’ll record it for me anyway,” she pinched Rikka’s nose and pecked her on the cheek.

Madaline got around her and walked on down the hall, just as Rikka extracted one of the joints from the bag.

“Oh wow this one looks a little sad, was our attention elsewhere while rolling, Maddy?”

Madaline froze and glanced over her shoulder, looking at the joint Rikka was critiquing.

She told herself to let it go and managed to start the turn away, before spinning, snagging Rikka’s gaze and snatching the joint from her fingers.

“Hey,” Rikka whined as Madaline slid the joint snugly behind her ear.

“You’re job is distribution, not Olympic joint judge, now quit being a menace,” Madaline said, resuming her walk as though it were nothing of concern, taking a turn to another hall.

E caught up with her halfway to the kitchen, suddenly alone, as though to allow her a chance to pry, away from other’s eyes.

“You doing okay, haven’t heard you talk about that in a while?”

“It’s what I get for running my mouth,” Madaline shrugged, finding her vape and hitting it, “I’m good, not even on my mind, don’t know why it came up.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Where’s the Bimbo? Figured she’d be all over me the minute I got within ten miles.”

“I gave her a chill pill and stuck her in the attic to stream like you suggested.”

Madaline checked her phone, Meg was still live. “I’ll keep an eye on it, we'll find each other when she's done."

Estelle nodded, “Alright, I’m going to get back to what I was doing.”

Madaline found Cam in the kitchen: broad bodied, half a muscle shirt exposing the spiraling centipede tattoo on their bicep, their red plaid shirt tied about their waste. They were mixing up a large bowl of pink punch. Madaline stopped and carefully wrapped them in a bear hug, propping her chin on their shoulder. “This it?”

“No, Maddy, it’s the other punch bowl full of LSD.”

“Yummy, Cammy is in the kitchen mixing up the medicine.” Madaline sang, Cam’s warmth, the prevailing atmosphere of camaraderie, and the tapping of Bob Dylan successfully evaporated any remains of the psychological debris she’d drawn on herself as a means of talking shit.

Madaline reached for the ladle and got her hand slapped for her trouble.

“You buy your ticket with everyone else, get going, there’s still a lot of set up to do, ride starts in two hours, speakers and stereo are downstairs waiting for you, figured you’d want it.”

“You’re so cruel to me when your clothes are on,” Madaline said, running her hand through the valley of their breasts.

“Less speaking, more speakers. Raven brought these really long cables with her, see if you can wire at least one upstairs, spread em out.”

“You want loose cables stretching all over the house with a bunch of fucked up people wandering up and down?”

Cam reached under the counter and thumped down a huge roll of duct tape.

“Right. Right.” Madaline started to go, but glanced down the way to the open door that lead to the back porch and discovered the reverse profile of someone she did not know, small, slender bodied with short hair.

Madaline studied the figure for a moment as Qumar came from the other side and informed Cam that all heads had been counted and that they were blocking off the drive.

“Who’s that?” asked Madaline.

“Hatchling, like less than three months, we got a few new people, she came with Luna, I think. Didn’t catch her handle.”

“Oh,” Madaline said, as the girl turned, revealing eyes painted in heavy dark makeup.

Madaline’s fingers twitched, “I’ll have to introduce myself and ask.”

“Yeah, set a play date for banging the new girl later, set up speakers now,” said Cam, waving their hand.

“I didn’t say I was planning on-”

“I forgot, thanks for procrastinating,” Cam fished a wad of bills from their pocket and slapped them in Madaline’s hand, “Cash for the nitrous. There, debate the question of will you or won’t you bang the new girl later, sound system now, we’re on a timetable, get on task Maddy,” they gave her a gentle shove, away from line of sight on the girl.

“ Fine. Jeez. Fucking boat dyke.”

“Boat dyke?” Cam said, scratching numbers into a paper, quadruple checking dosages.

“Mmmhmmm,” said Madaline, not turning around, “Think you run a tight ship.” As she hit the stairs Madaline ducked just in time for the empty soda bottle Cam tossed at her head to miss it’s target.

Madaline clomped her boots down the steps to the basement. It was expansive, largely empty and lit from a motley assortment of spread out lamps fitted with black lights, which left the room crepuscular in luminescent purple.

She looked around, pleased to see the multitude of folding chairs distributed against the walls, the ones they’d brought during the last residency Madaline had been present for and somebody had added a long battered couch to one wall, and a somewhat nicer curving love seat to the other.

There, someone had brought the old stereo and four window busting speakers out from the alcove where they’d been stashed along with a number of other items, none so useful or beautiful as this old beast.

Madaline sighed at the idea of trying to set up in this lighting, but noticed someone had left her a regular 1500 watt bulb planted atop a large box of spooling professional grade audio cables.

She went to the back and stored her bag, then returned to the speakers with only the case of CDs she'd burnt for this evening.

Madaline swapped out the bulb and got to work; moving the speakers into position, three spread through the basement and one upstairs in the living room, one after another she unwound the cables, hooked them into their fittings and taped the cables low to the floor against the walls, one snaking from the basement to the first floor.

Last she filled the tray with CDs, set the rest atop the stereo and hit play, keeping it at a reasonable volume for now, she tested and perfected the settings as, Of Montreal’s For Our Elegant Cast flowed through the house.

She ascended back up the stairs and made chit chat, among the air of anticipation, filling in little tasks as requested, greeting friends with hugs and kisses as they came her way or they discovered each other.

After a while, she planted herself on the couch with Estelle and Meg, who scrambled as quickly as possible from her girlfriend’s lap to Madaline’s.

Madaline let her chatter for a while, but she'd just streamed and ran out of steam fairly quickly, planting her face in Madaline shoulder.

Estelle took up the baton and rambled in her far more measured manner about the most recent developments with her dissertation with all the adoration and enthusiasm of a doting parent speaking on their growing toddler:

Her focus this week had been on exploring how the anxiety or even neurosis that resulted from the psychological shadow being suppressed by social conditioning, the containment of the Dionysian by the Apollonian structures, would inadvertently be expressed in art...

“... so as a result transness makes its way into cis created culture, by way of the symbolic and subliminal. Really, there’s an argument to be made that phobros should drop bitching about us and argue for trans acceptance if they want us finding less coding in cis made media, if transness wasn’t so suppressed then it wouldn’t keep showing up everywhere.”

“Like how Lady D has a big fucking monster under her skirt in Resi 8,” Megan laughed into Madaline shoulder.

“You're laughing, puppy, but yes,” said Estelle.

“Counterpoint, phobros should just drop dead,” said Madaline casually.

“Hmmm, fair counterpoint, still though you see what I’m getting at?”

“Ah, yeah, I think-” A connection formed in Madaline’s head that would not have been there two months prior. “Frankenstein,” she said, snapping her fingers, “Frankenstein is like that.”

Estelle eyed her, her glasses dropping down her nose, “What about Frankenstein?”

“Like the original novel, what you’re talking about is all over that book, right?” Madaline said.

Amber had recently told her a bit about the book over coffee, set off by the album Madaline had been listening to.

Megan reached out and pushed Estelle's glasses back up with her fingertip, before Estelle could do it, making Estelle mash her lips together momentarily.

Madaline patted Meg, “Not with your fingertips, don’t forget she hates that.”

“Sorry, Mommy,” she nuzzled her way back into Madaline’s neck.

“I’ll live,” Estelle said, drawing her hand down Meg’s leg, “Go on,” she said to Madaline twirling her finger.

Madaline thought for a moment, “It’s like Frankenstein, the doctor, he’s got this thing that he’s not supposed to do, it’s illegal for starters, but its this idea, and it becomes like an obsession, makes him feel guilty, freaks him out but he’s also really into it when he’s doing it... he's full of all this passionate intensity and what's it over? Stuff like grave robbing, and stitching bodies together in defiance of nature,” Madaline said, “Like isn’t that all really... Dionysian?”

Estelle nodded at her, “Yeah, that’s right, Frankenstein is a Gothic novel and the Apollonian/Dionysian conflict is a central factor of them. The Gothic is the Dionysian is the shadow and it’s represented, usually by supernatural elements. So in a Gothic story the main character kind of starts off in Apollonian spaces or with Apollonian structures intact, the social order, the world is highly mundane and morality is solid and conventional, then over the course of the story the main character is dragged or drawn, even tempted into the Gothic, that or the structures that represent civilization begin to break down exposing the shadow underneath. Freud called it the return of the repressed.”

Louisa fluttered towards them, a reincarnated hippy, all flowing colorful clothes, she stopped and waited, trailed by a trio of newcomers, including the girl Madaline had seen while in the kitchen.

“You can see trans implications in Franken-” Estelle stopped, “When did you read Frankenstein?” she asked, her voice suspicious.

“Ah, 11th Grade, Ms Bower's British Literature elective…” Madaline said, feeling that this was the truth, but with a slight sinking feeling.

“No, Madaline, no," Estelle said, her voice cross, "I, read it in Ms Bower's British Lit class. You, copied off me and still managed to only get a C on the final.”

Madaline chewed her lip, "Oh, yeah... but, I mean you let me... so... If I only got a C isn't that kind of on yo-"

"Madaline Marie, do not finish that sent-" Estelle stopped noticing Louisa, knowing if she kept going she would likely wait till the end of the world rather than interrupt . "What's up hen?"

Madaline would have kissed Louisa if Megan hadn’t been in her lap, she thought she’d just been spared a minor chewing out over a falsifiable claim that was a reminder of an old affront to Estelle's honor, a continuation of the chewing out she'd given Madaline back in high school when she'd begged for Estelle's help, she might have even broken out the length of Madaline's full name.

“Sorry to interrupt you, I was hoping I could steal Madaline for a favor," Louisa hummed brightly.

Madaline took note that one amongst the trio seemed to stand a little taller at her name.

Madaline brushed her hair back, her fingers twitched as they brushed the paper of the joint behind her ear, she shook it off. “Sure thing,” Madaline said, slapping Meg’s thigh who hopped back to Estelle, allowing Madaline to stand. “What do you need?”

“These three need boilerplating, can you take them upstairs and take care of it? This is Jenny, she/they/him, and Naomi, she/her, and Anichka, she/her.”

Anichka, huh, pretty name.

Madaline glanced slightly at Estelle in confusion, who was no more occupied than Madaline and far better suited to this task, but Estelle inclined her head across the room.

With a glance Madaline found Cam studying their interaction. Ah, right, I see, she thought suppressing a grin.

“No problemo, Lou,” Madaline said, clapping her hands.

“Thank you, sugar,” Louisa put her hand on Madaline’s arm, “You’re always so dependable.”

This was true, in many circumstances Madaline was quite dependable.

“And agreeable,” Louisa said, finishing her thought, totally serious.

Estelle snorted, because that was bullshit.

Behind the interaction, Cam huffed and nearly stomped away.

Louisa flowed like water poured from a glass in the opposite direction, pleased with herself.

After nearly six years of cooperation, friendship and somehow not remotely being on each other's romantic and sexual radars, Cam and Louisa's peculiar, for their group, and continuously unfolding combative social dynamic, was at times a nuisance, but also something of a minor interest to Madaline and Estelle; how long before the pairs endless barrage of direct and subliminal jabs escalated to the point that they finally declared their undying desire for each other and fell in love.

It was their own internal group sitcom.

Madaline leaned over to Estelle, "Original deal stands, but five bucks says they hook up tonight or tomorrow, they do something, then pretend it didn't happen and go right back to shooting at each other."

Estelle considered, her eyes flickered, "You're on."

Madaline lead the newbies upstairs and into an empty bedroom, shutting the door.

They were looking at each other, a little nervous, Madaline wondered if Louisa had been so concerned with stirring Cam up, that she'd forgotten to tell them what this was, she was guessing, yes.

“Relax, we're not hazing you or anything, not unless you're into that,” she reclined on the bed, pulling out her vape pen, looking at Anichka behind the others, biting her lip.

“Louisa wanted me to bring you up here, to give you a quick talk cause I’m assuming none of you have done this before?”

The three of them shook their heads or offered soft negatives.

“Kay, well this is a very powerful mind altering substance, it is not the same as getting drunk or smoking weed. It is probably not what you think. It is an experience, an adventure, but the thing people don’t tell you about adventures is that it can be dangerous, so for your safety, have any of you had like a breakdown or a severe depression spiral, anything like that in the last couple weeks.”

They affirmed in the negative.

“Good, happy for you,” Madaline nodded, “But this stuff can still have an impact, people in the 60s took this, some of them were a professor one day and jobless riding around the country half naked the next, me, I took five doses back in my freshman year and now I’ve got a verbal tic I didn’t used to have, right.”

They looked between each other, uncertain.

Madaline gave them a little smirk to obfuscate whether or not she was joking and knocked her vape pen on her wrist, “All and all I’d say it’s better for you than a weekend of binge drinking, long as you don’t do it too much, reality can get weird if you do, but that’s why we grab newbies into a private little chat like this, cut out the peer pressure or whatever. So, that’s what this is, if you want to opt out, if you don’t think you’re ready for this, that’s okay, nobody will say a goddamn thing about it and if they do they’ll have ten people on their case before they can blink, so no shame, you want out I’ll give you, that’s give, some cash and directions to a liquor store or somebody can get you a ride if you need it, it’s a bit of a drive but that’s fine, we can pick you something up, come back, you can drink and smoke, you can stay at the party. You remain welcome here, even if you’re not participating, you made it out here, you know somebody, you’ll get another invite, this is not a take drugs or your not cool enough ultimatum.” She waited, “Anybody want out? Like I say that’s fine, but if you dose, you’re in for the ride, we don’t have anything that can bring you down.”

After a few moments of thought nobody asked to get off.

“Alright,” Madaline threaded her fingers and cracked them, “If you start to have any problems, ask for help, Louisa, Cam, Rikka, Estelle and me are probably best equipped, but keep in mind you are surrounded by people who want to help, we’ll get it handled, just be open, if you haven’t realized it yet, you are safer here with us, than likely any other group. You came with people, but we’re all friends here. Lean on your siblings.” She exhaled vapor, “Any questions?”

A duo of nos from Jenny and Naomi, behind them Anichka was studying Madaline intensely.

They were waiting for more.

Curse my natural stage presence.

“Okay, cool, what else do you want me to say, Satan bless you, save the proles and kill the peasants, be safe and make good choices while making bad choices,” she waved them away.

Naomi and Jenny glanced back at Anichka as she remained, then went out together.

Madaline looked her up and down. She was cute, even pre HRT, the spiritual estrogen shined through, now that self awareness had wiped away some masculine grime. Madaline slid her wad of bills from her bra, “Change your mind, pretty thing?”

Anichka blushed slightly, but shook her head.

“Right,” Madaline put the bills away.

“I’m Anichka, Ani,” her voice was still in the learning stage, untrained, she hadn’t found it’s natural femininity quite yet, but she was trying her best, Madaline loved her for it.

“That’s what they told me, it’s very nice to meet you.” Ani are you okay, are you okay, Ani? Madaline’s brain sang.

Another slight blush, it all went to her cheeks. “You’re Madaline.”

Yeah, Ani is okay, alright, Madaline nodded, “What clued you in? Is it the proximity of my head to the ceiling or that Louisa said my name?”

Anichka’s cheeks went cherry red.

Well, this is gratifying and adorable.

She shook her head, started to apologize, Madaline stopped her, “It’s fine. You’ve got nerves. It’s normal.”

“Mmhmm, a little- but it’s not about- You’re Madaline, like rock star Madaline.”

Madaline laughed a little, “Ah, I’m like, played a few shows Madaline, unfortunately, If you’re looking for a trip on my private jet you’ll have to wait, but if I start playing again, I’ll see about getting you in the greenroom if you want.”

She traced her fingers over her belly and shuffled in place, “Luna and Lilith said-”

“Madaline! Anichka! Put your clothes on and get down here now, let's go already,” Cam yelled from the first floor.

Madaline grinned watching Ani turn red again, It’s so cute, she nearly does it on command. She stood and walked Ani out, “Come on, pretty thing, it’s showtime.”

Downstairs, Madaline moved her way through people to couple herself back with E and Megan, each was given a large styrofoam cup and went to a bowl where Emily, blue haired and tatted with a small heart under her clavicle, served them up a round based on how many fingers they threw up.

At her turn, Madaline held up three, “Hey Em,” she said, privately wondering about the rumor Rikka had told her at the Wake Up Call Cafe.

“Hey Maddy,” Emily said, giving Madaline an unusually tense and compulsive smirk, her eyes sparkling strangely. Madaline took her cup back and had just long enough to wonder what the weirdness was about before Rikka shuffled her aside.

Once everyone’s cup had been filled, Louisa asked if anyone had a toast, when nobody else provided one, Madaline raised her glass and offered up a lyric, “To trans girls with guns on LSD.” She chugged her cup, setting off a chain reaction through the cramped room.

Shuffling through people, she knocked her boots like cloven hooves down the stairs to the basement. She cranked the stereo, welcoming the rising uproar of Bang Bang.

Click Boom, she thought.

2.

Click, clack, click, clack: the thought happened and set off a sequence like a perpetual newtons cradle, the monotone song that stood quietly behind all of Amber’s other thoughts that evening, but Amber’s attempt to ignore it didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

The single thought that started it was, It’s not fair.

Clack: What isn’t fair?

Click: I don’t know, but it isn’t fair.

What isn’t fair?

I don’t know, but it isn’t fair.

What isn’t fair?

Dinner that night was spaghetti.

Amber looked down into her plate of noodles splashed with red sauce, twirling her fork slowly through the tangled mess, it resembled her feelings; like a collection of dead snakes wrapped around each other, having gone at each other in a storm of emotion; all ravishing fear and rhapsodic sorrow and rapturous fury then at last gone still.

She shouldn’t feel this way, she knows she shouldn’t feel this way, this meal happened every week, she’d missed Madaline through each of them, but she didn’t feel like this, a creeping sense of loss and anxiety, over the fact that she was gone.

She told herself over and over that Madaline coming back a little later wasn’t a big deal and intellectually she knew that to be true, and yet, Madaline’s night out felt different somehow this time, as though some stability that had existed between them had been irrevocably broken. As though Wednesday had changed things between them forever, in some way that she could kind of sense, but couldn’t hold as a shape to describe, like trying to grasp fog.

This sense of things had remained in the background, a concern curtailed by the tangibility of Madaline’s presence, but now it felt like she was drowning in it.

She turned noodles over, slightly aware she wasn’t really eating. She wasn’t concerned about her weight, putting it on or losing it, the food was just thoroughly uninteresting.

I’m just doing what I usually do, it’s just my anxiety, I didn’t get what I wanted and now I’m making a bigger issue of this than is actually warranted. It’s completely unreasonable, Madaline will be back on Sunday, maybe even Sunday morning the way she comes back on Saturday's and then things will… they’ll go back to… What was it that I wanted? Not what I expected, not what I think is going on, but what was it I wanted exactly? If it’s not fair, what would have been fair?

Amber wasn’t sure.

She twirled noodles, cut them to bits; the Newton's cradle kept swinging. Click. Clack.

-it isn’t fair.

What isn’t fair?

A few minutes later Simon said he was good and thanked her for the meal. She smiled and told him of course.

She stood and began cleaning up, scraping nearly her entire serving into the trash. Thinking, It shouldn't be possible to...

3.

“… miss someone that badly with a rocket launcher,” Rowan said over Aiesha’s shoulder as she played her steam deck, sitting at the opposite end of the back porch to Madaline.

“You’re such a fucking cunt,” Aiesha laughed. Head butting Rowan’s shoulder.

Madaline admired their cuteness for a moment, before looking back out at the line of trees and the ancient family plot that sat before them, hidden by weeds and smoothed by age.

She drew on her vape and let out the hit nice and slow, shivering a little, nerved up and twitchy, she always got this way during the come up, the stretch of indefinable space between dosing and the drug properly kicking on.

She always had a paranoia that doing this was going to break her brain, nervous anticipation over the consumption of such a powerful molecule chain was natural and in Madaline’s opinion even healthy as long as you didn’t let it get to you.

Where almost every other drug she took came on like a friend, psychedelics always felt so alien, tipping one over into spaces of exhilaration and exaltation, yes, but also possible deep self reflection, fantasy, even variable levels of madness, which was of course the point:

Her conversation with Estelle had primed her for a long forgotten bit of trivia to reemerge, like a coin lost and covered in muck at the bottom of a river, flushed upward back to the surface by the Acid starting to simmer in her head.

Estelle had thrown around the term Dionysian, but sometime in her adult life Madaline had heard a little about the words namesake from Ophelia: Dionysus, the God of wine and madness and arguably gender nonconformity and outsiders. Though for the most part what Madaline had retained from Ophelia was talk about the Raging Women of ancient Greece, the Maenads, who would go off and go off during Dionysus' festival, performing secret female only rites; with sex and drugs and dance they would free themselves from social confines and worship by inducing states of ecstasy.

Madaline supposed that in some regards, her corner of the South Prov gender fuck community could be considered the Maenad's ideological descendants, it was an idea that had more than a little appeal to her.

Hell, if she remembered correctly Ophelia had even provided this interesting little tidbit between bouts of worshiping Madaline herself, which she figured Dionysus would have approved of. She'd have to tell Estelle later, let her put it in that tome of a paper she was writing.

Madaline caught the feel of her meandering thoughts, how long had it been? She recited a sequence of code, to prove to herself that her brain wasn’t getting ruined, a self soothing trick for the come up of a trip she’d picked up back at Mis U in the earliest days of the groups formation.

She looked at the trees, there were two many branches. Were they shifting and moving? Not quite, but she thought she could see them starting to breathe.

Madaline turned her head and found the porch empty. She didn’t think Aiesha and Rowan had gone past her to go back inside, but she couldn’t be sure.

Then she heard Aiesha moaning beautifully somewhere off the porch where Madaline couldn’t see, the soft but detectable beat of Rowan’s thighs applauding Aiesha’s ass.

Actually, she shouldn’t be hearing that at all, where was the music, did someone turn the stereo off? It had definitely been playing… not that long ago...

She shrugged, if she had to she’d go inspect it in a few when she was feeling a little more certain, once the euphoria started kicking in and the nerves wore away.

“Hey… Madaline…” Ani had detached herself from Raven, who’d taken charge of her during the imbibing ceremony, and had now found Madaline once again.

Madaline turned to face her, “Hey cutie, what’s up,” she placed her hand on Ani’s shoulder, “Everything good?”

“Yeah, ah, I’m alright, it’s… weird,” she laughed.

“The anxiety clears, just don’t fight it.”

“Right, thanks,” she smiled, gazing into Madaline’s face.

“So,” Madaline hit her vape, “What did Lilith and Luna say about me?”

“Oh, just,” she shrugged, “Just cool stuff you’ve done and that you’re fun.”

“Right, how’d I come up?”

“Ah, you just kind of did, a few people did, but they said you’d like me cause I’ve got a thing for, like older music, like funk and soul and stuff.”

Madaline chuckled, “I do like that, I’m sorry, I picked tonight's selection, but even though I brought variety, I’m not sure I brought anything to that taste.”

“It’s okay, I like lots of stuff,” she said, gazing at Madaline.

Yeah, you do, Madaline thought, her ego fluffing. "Who do you like, examples?"

"Ah, Funkadelic and Spinners and James Brown."

Madaline hummed, "Classics. The Temptations?"

"Uh-huh."

"Right, nice. L and L say anything else about me?"

Ani shrugged again, “That you’re… just fun.”

“Are you trying to get laid, cutie?” Madaline asked, unable to maintain pretense and thus throwing it out the window.

Cherry red cheeks.

“There it is. Lots of girls here, but you immediately come after me, have to love that candor, right.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning on it, just saw you when Louisa pointed you out and just kind of- thought you were...” she glanced away.

“Don’t be embarrassed, a dance can absolutely be fun, but sometimes it’s best to just come out and say it, anyway, sure, cutie, it’s in the cards, not tonight, you’re about to be way too fucked up on something you've never done before, and I don’t fuck on acid anyway, but sometime I’d love to talk funk with you and mess around.”

“Yeah, Jenny was asking Riley earlier, before we...” She peered at Madaline’s eyes, getting on her toes to get closer to her face, like she was trying to kiss her. Madaline held her ground.

“Your eyes are so… pretty. Is… is it just the drugs?” she giggled.

“No, I reassure you my eyes are always this amazing.”

Ani shook her head, “Oh no wait, I forgot, ah... goth girl with all the silver..." she waved her hand over her face.

"That's Hymara."

"Yes, Hymara, sent me to get you.”

“Okay, what’s she need?”

“Music, it’s not working.”

“Huh? Yeah, I noticed, what’s happening?”

“The whole stereo won’t come on.”

“Somebody check the wall socket? The breaker?”

“Mmmhmmm. I think so.”

“Connections?”

“I mean it's all still plugged in, but it’s really old.”

Madaline laughed, “Fair, yeah that thing is like minimum early 90s, come on, let’s go take a look, you can help me.” She put her hand on Anichka’s back and led her through the door.

As they passed through the kitchen Megan ran up to Madaline and placed her hands on her face, child-like, feeling up the contours of her razor sharp bone structure, giggling the whole time, her own face cast in a wolfish smile, babbling about needing her hormones.

Madaline told her to heel, gave her a kiss and told her to first find Estelle and then come find her once she’d had her meds.

There were roughly ten people in the basement when she and Ani arrived,“Room primarily full of sapphics of one variety or another and not a single tool belt lesbian who can fix this,” Madaline said, resting her hand on her forehead in mock pain.

Laughs, and boos and catcalls.

Madaline shook her head, and settled down behind the stereo, she checked the cord and the wall outlet just to be sure, then leaned close to the casing and inhaled.

Madaline shook her head at Anichka, “Think I smell burning plastic.”

Madaline got up, a little unsteady on her feet, her stomach swimming with butterflies, her head really starting to buzz, she and Ani went up two flights of stairs and found the tool bag someone had stored in the upstairs closet and headed back.

They passed Rikka standing in an open door on the ground floor, “I told you, you should’ve brought yours.”

“Shut your pretty face, Spacecase, before I fuck it,” Madaline said, gently flicking her nose as she passed, not sticking around for Rikka’s retort.

Downstairs, Madaline went to work, unscrewing the back panel with care.

Fuck. Gonna get myself hurt. She unplugged the machine.

What should have been a simple process was made more difficult because the guts inside the stereo looked like they were squirming about, flexing and unflexing, a web-work of organs.

“Good shit.” Madaline said, she concentrated and at last she saw it, a frayed wire, plastic half melted, copper on display.

She cut it out with a pair of wire cutters, and prepped a replacement with a kit from the bag, stripped, attached and wrapped well with electrical tape.

Madaline plugged the cord back into the wall outlet and the machine clunked to life, Simian’s original Never Alone began to play.

There was much rejoicing.

Madaline gave a bow from where she sat to her adoring fans, Yes, yes, I am truly the greatest of all time. She put the panel back on, silently thanking Satan it hadn’t been anything other than a wire replacement because anything worse and she probably wouldn’t have been able to fix it.

She and Ani repacked the bag and returned it to the closet upstairs, by which time some switch had inarguably been flipped, whatever concerns Madaline had were vanishing into the waves of strangeness and pleasure , she could see things on the edges beginning to melt, the world had begun to stream.

The track on the stereo under the house changed as Madaline closed the closet door and it immediately produced goose flesh on her arms; she hadn’t known how good it would sound in these circumstances.

It had been the starting point of a collab between her and Zai that Madaline had never gotten around to playing with,Madaline was prideful, but she would never put something of her own on a group mix.

Hearing it now at this volume the knowledge that she’d carelessly left this masterwork laying in a computer for far too long hurt her heart.

Zai had been firing on all cylinders: a booming synthesizer delight of dark 80s rock remixed into a trans- feminized heavy dance beat.

“Fuck Zai, this is so fucking good, why didn’t I ever do anything with this?” Madaline said aloud to a person she momentarily forgot wasn’t even on site for tonight’s event.

“Huh?” Ani asked.

“Nothing,” said Madaline giggling, whipping her brow, “Just… music right, it’s missing something though.”

Madaline’s hands rose into position and moved through invisible cords, phantom playing.

The words of the original song were simple and familiar, and 95% were no longer included, Zai had ripped them out, but left clear spaces for Madaline to put a transformed chorus back into the piece; it was like being on stage, the pleasure of the opportunity was too overwhelming in her current state, the music raked at her, calling her on; all the old muscles in her whirred to life, she couldn’t resist, she hit for pitch and resonance and sang:

“My Shangri-Las,

I can't forget

Why you were mine.

I need you now!

Cry little sister."

Madaline's timing was perfect, she snapped her fingers at the air and the speakers echoed through the house seeming to zero in on her with its children’s choir Zai had left behind called back, ”Thou Shall Not Fall.”

Amber flickered momentarily in her head.

“Come, come to your sister! Love, love is with your sisters!” Madaline continued and doubled over in laughter, suddenly too fucked up to keep at it, she'd mangled the timing of the lyrics at the end, fusing two verses, which could work, but she wasn't making it work in this state. She looked to Ani, tittering, “Sorry, that totally got me, jeez, when did the drugs hit, fuck my brain, this is going to be good.”

That's what's up with me today... all of a sudden... I'm going to fucking die if I don't get my guitar back... so not telling Rikka.

Ani laughed at her, “ It’s fine, sounds good, you have a great voice. ”

“Thanks,” Madaline gently took her wrist, “Why don’t you come dance with me.”

“I don’t know how.”

“That’s fine, it’s just like sex, you respect your partners and you do it a bunch and you get good at it. Come on.”

She pulled her gently along, back downstairs.

Things were really kicking in now, the walls featured patterns of shadow and light that had come out of the closet, geometric fractals folding and unfolding, resonating off into the air. Movement cast blurry trails into space, limbs and objects took their time to catch up with themselves fully.

“Whoa,” Ani moaned, eyes bugged as they passed people in the hall.

“Yeah, right,” Madaline agreed.

Megan found them on their way back through the living room, Madaline didn’t stop but reached out, grabbed her by the O ring in her collar and pulled them both along.

Another short hall, a turn.

Rikka caught them as she passed off a half smoked joint and grabbed Ani’s shoulder, coming with them.

Near the kitchen, they passed Estelle, standing in a corner grinning and shaking her head at the four of them chained together.

Madaline turned them back around and let go of Ani just long enough to curl her fingers for Estelle to follow.

Estelle shook her head, unable to stop laughing.

Madaline let go of Ani again, long enough to point Estelle out to Meg who bombarded her girlfriend with puppy dog eyes for all of six seconds, before lunging and snatching her wrist and integrating her into the chain.

Estelle came, her laughter passed through their bodies, hilarity infecting them all, and in that state they trundled along into the kitchen, then down the stairs into a basement that felt like a vast cavern, a glorious gloom below the world, there they lost themselves to the euphoria; the Maenads began to dance.

4.

“And to this hour the image of Carmilla returns to mind with ambiguous alterations--sometimes the playful, languid, beautiful girl; sometimes the writhing fiend I saw in the ruined church; and often from a reverie I have started, fancying I heard the light step of Carmilla at the drawing room door.”

Amber stared blankly at the page, the final passages of the book had left a little thrill after the decidedly unappetizing removal of Laura’s agency throughout the climax.

She had assumed something had to happen, some final meeting between Laura and Carmilla that would… She wasn’t sure… but that was the whole issue, they didn’t speak again after the reveal of Carmilla’s nature, the book ended without any further communication between them.

Amber had expected and accepted that there would be no happy reunion in the end, but there wasn't even a confrontation where Carmilla's beautiful words fall on deaf ears and Laura declares her a monster?

Nothing?

Just this endless void of ambiguity, which wasn’t- shouldn’t be a big deal, because sometimes things in art were ambiguous, but- Laura was just left with that dual image and then the salt in the wound of the final passage. Was Carmilla coming down the hall to visit her years later or was it all in Laura’s head?

There was nothing, Amber thumbed at the page, turned it, as though expecting more words to appear.

She was in the living room on the couch, sitting on what was normally Madaline’s end, Simon had gone to the bathroom a few minutes before, on the coffee table in front of her there was an empty glass of water.

Back and forth she turned the page, the absurdity of her response leaving her as the emotion grew, that really- She really couldn’t deal with that being it… Laura was just left with… just those competing images of Carmilla and it made Amber feel so… so.. so… but that was it, there was nothing more.

She closed the book, her heart going a little hard, she pressed the covers between her hands and began the process of pushing down these uncomfortable feelings, but she never managed to get started, instead Amber’s face snapped into an expression Simon had never seen, but Madaline had caught flashes of on the evening Amber had told her of her parents, forehead creased, lips thin and back, all her teeth showing in a display of blistering rage.

She whipped the book away from herself and might have screamed if it hadn’t caught the empty glass, it spun off the table and to the floor, catching on the edge and, just like Amber herself, going to pieces.

The book found its way down like a bird with a broken wing in the center of the room.

Amber had two different thoughts on top of each other, the second was, That wasn’t me, I don’t loose control like- but this panicked denial, which she wouldn’t have been able to carry to its desired conclusion anyway, was interrupted by the sound of Simon coming down the stairs.

“What happened?” Simon asked, closer.

Amber sprang from her seat so she’d be found standing by the time he caught sight of her, she swooped the book up off the floor, and took just a second to check its condition, feeling a little apologetic for how she’d treated it.

Amber liked books, they had been good to her overall, her feelings about the ending of this one aside, that was no way to treat something she liked, even if it upset her for inscrutable reasons to do with its unsatisfactory ending.

“Amber?” Simon asked again, entering the room. “What happened?”

“I um,” Amber discreetly glanced about as though checking to make sure nobody else was present to contest her story. “I’m sorry I thought I saw a spider, I ah, don’t think I did though, just a shadow and I stood up a little fast and knocked my glass over.”

After a moment he nodded looking at the glass and Amber standing there, the book in her hands. “Be more careful.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’ll just get the… I’ll just get the broom and the vacuum and...”

She trailed off.

He didn’t get another word out as she rushed out of the room to get the implements of tidying up, as she went up, she edited out the first thought she’d had when the glass broke and how it made her feel, the smallest flicker of satisfaction and the hissed single syllable, Good.

5.

The drugs were quick and the drugs were good; a peak stretching out into a sustained cerebral orgasm with MGM apoclyptica sound and color.

Early on someone had brought out two massive containers of glow sticks in every color, connectors included, three songs later all the denizens of Deadhaus were decked out like neon divinity as Madaline’s manufactured playlist spun them back and forth across decades.

Madaline had lost track of the full narrative of the evening at some point, dancing amongst the thrall of bodies for what felt like days, until she was sweating terribly, body cooking.

She’d unzipped the front of her jumpsuit and slipped off her bra, to get a little more ventilation, accepting as she threw it aside she was likely never going to see it again.

At another point she’d lost Ani to Riley and Hymara and Jenny, that was fine, she’d find her way back to Madaline if and when she wanted, Rikka likewise had vanished into a puff of smoke, but E and Meg were still with her and the others in the cavern below the world.

She started to come out of this cyclone as Megan clung to her and kissed her between bursting riots of laughter while Slip inside this House warbled in aquatic wonder around them.

Momentarily, she experienced this shift as the comedown, her brain tricking her into thinking it was far later than it was, but by the time the track switched to Did You See the Words, it was becoming increasingly clear that the acid was just changing gears on her.

She found herself latched tight to Estelle, a tough job, as of the three of them, Estelle was the shortest, but Estelle just laughed and supported her, just like she always did and always had, even when Madaline didn't want to own up to that fact.

It wasn’t hard to own up to right now though, cause, yeah, she could hear the words alright, she could hear the words and feel the notes, sliding through her pores and branding her bones.

Overwhelmed with emotion she declared her love for both Meg and Estelle and then continued to Estelle alone, managing to yell in the most confessional tone possible, “I am a very fucked up person.

Estelle cackled, “You are very fucked up is right, hen.”

Madaline nodded and went on, “You’re my best friend and that is such a hard fucking job,” she laughed a little desperately. “I’m sorry I’m going to piss you off… again.”

Estelle used Madaline’s chest to knock her glasses back up her nose, “Have you done something to piss me off?”

Madaline shook her head, “No, not yet, but, it’s… it has to happen at some point right? I’m a friend of the devil and a friend of the devil is a friend of mine and really, the devil is me. I don’t even know if what I want is bad and sometimes I think maybe doing the bad thing might be the right thing, life’s like that sometimes?”

“Yeah... what do you want to do?” Estelle’s brow creased.

Madaline ran her lips over the naked expanse of Estelle's scalp, damp with sweat. “I don’t know or I do but I got like…

“Contradicting desires?”

“Uh-huh, ain’t that a bitch.”

“I see, how are you worried about pissing me off?”

Madaline laughed again, swinging Estelle with her, suddenly out of time with the music, “I’m worried about pissing a bunch of people off, lately, right.”

“That's unusual. Why… Who? Other than me?” Estelle's nose was scrunched, like she was considering things very hard, like she was uncertain and trying to make a decision with a head full of strong drugs.

Madaline blinked, realizing at last the direction of soul bearing she’d been falling into. Fuck, I’m going on and I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling just that-

Madaline giggled, she slid her hands off Estelle , cupping her face, kissing her softly. “It’s the acid, it got heavy on me.” She looked around, the colors, the movement, it was all too much. “I need to like stabilize or I’m going to end up crying… over… probably nothing. Fuck. I’m going to head up for a bit and like chill?”

“Do you need to go to the attic?” Megan asked, pressing against her.

The attic was the designated cool down space for anyone getting too overwhelmed or having other issues, as far as Madaline knew nobody had needed it so far.

“Nah, I’m good, just going to go smoke,” she grabbed Meg by her collar and kissed her, “Get myself to polarize, right.”

Madaline untangled herself from them, and then slid her way out of the horde and upstairs.

She got a glass of water, drank, drank another, people passing like silhouettes around her, the low light of the kitchen stove casting everything in a yellow glow. The room was blasted with patterns that shifted with the music, bleeding off into the air.

She splashed water on her face, and caught sight of Em looking at her from the hallway, laughing gently.

“What?” Madaline laughed back.

Em shook her head almost embarrassed and shuffled out the opposite direction.

Madaline shrugged and then exited out into the cool dark night, the sky unfurling, tendrils of color whispering between the stars.

She hit her vape and sat down on the old wooden planks, from inside she caught snatches of conversation in familiar voices.

Yeah, things were settling now; she was riding the gear shift, getting back on top of things.

She shut her eyes, the colors intensified in the black, she breathed deep and watched them swirl, letting her mind drift , everything was good, everything except, a little spike of panic, she snatched a hand up to her ear to check… yeah still there. She’d worried for a moment she’d lost it.

She looked the joint over, swearing she could see symbols cast by the plant inside the surface of the paper.

She sighed, I'm surrounded by over two dozen glorious mad girls and queers and I still can't completely... fuck... I can be obsessive... best to just get rid of it...

She opened the ends of the joint and placed it between her lips, remembering Amber’s little pink tongue sliding over…

Close as I’m going to ge-

“Yeah, no not making a thing of it,” she said aloud to the night, padding around her pockets for a lighter.

She found it and began snapping it in the dark, the flashes leaving swirls and spirals in her vision that hung there brilliant and ghostly instead of fading.

Finally the lighter caught with a crackle of lint, smoke filled her lungs, she coughed, but couldn’t feel the burn.

The joint was thin and blazed away quickly, when it was done, she ground the roach under her boot. She was tempted for a moment to save it, like she would have as a teenager, but quickly killed the idea, trying to avoid tying any special significance to such a disposable material, it was a tough job, she was on a drug that specialized in seeing significance in things.

She tossed it out into the dark; immediately felt a pang of regret.

“Stop,” she laughed, “Have to stop. Green is my color but jealousy does not look hot on me.”

Was that what she was? Jealous? Yeah, for whatever reason it was there, fair or unfair, what else did you call it, really? Her brother was at home likely in bed with Amber and Madaline was out here feeling like keeping a roach as a keepsake, just cause it was the first one Amber ever rolled.

Plenty of beautiful women in the world and statistically most of them aren’t dating my step brother, need to heal that shit. Let it go… she’s a good friend… and that’s all, it’s okay...

She crossed her legs, the music was thumping rhythmically, pulsing like a great heart below the house. She planted her hands on her knees in an almost meditative pose and closed her eyes, watching the swirl of colors and from here she slid…

Acid in real life isn’t like in the movies, unless you’re well acquainted with states of psychosis you will not have fully interactive audio visual fantasies. No dragon slaying and such.

That presentation has more to do with art inspired by popular psychedelics than actual psychedelic experiences, IRL it’s a lot of intense colors and geometric patterns and vapor trails and synesthesia, and how your mind begins to feel like a glass house, possibly giving you access to deeper places.

But that glass house effect has a rub, if you close your eyes and start to wander around, going deeper, sight of the exterior can be lost as you are consumed with the house’s contents.

She didn't intend to go there, but she quickly lost track of the outside world.

It’s free movie tickets, but she’s seen this one before, at least part of it before she was yanked out of the theater by the co-star.

The amalgamated educational institute, high school, college combo platter mix and match. The boredom, then the flush of excitement with the sight of the girl across the field and Madaline was running, running across the field, over the fence, into the green, feeling less and less human and more like a lion in pursuit, in pursuit of Amber. What she was going to do when she caught her was a question for later, all that mattered was that she had to catch her before she got away or something else-

She was back and totally lost to the phantasmagoria this time, Amber in the white dress, on her rock, by the stream, fingers trailing in the water, looking at her with a small smile, very lazy, maybe a little shy, but totally unafraid.

The teeth in Madaline’s mouth felt abnormally sharp and like there was far too many of them, but she had to catch her; Madaline was moving and just as it went before, it goes again in the replay, Amber stopping her with a sentence:

“Are you a predator?”

Madaline nearly fell forward, stopping herself. “What?” she gulped.

“A predator? Are you a predator?”

Madaline mulled over the question, her head in an ever so slightly different place this time and here, she finds an answer she likes more than the one she decided on in the aftermath of nearly taking Simon to pieces over the in the moment assumption of financial abuse.

Of course I am. Madaline thought, remembering how rage could sweep through her like incandescent joy and how badly she missed the times before she had to think too much about that tendency.

“Well, personally,” Madaline said, trying to be charming, “I would prefer a term like… hunter, to predator, predator… has certain connotations not all of which are… really, fair.”

“Oh,” Amber nodded, her fingers drawing trails in the water, utterly unconcerned. “So… that makes me what, then?”

Madaline stepped forward and then realized she needed to reverse that and stepped back twice instead. “I-”

“Prey, right? I’m prey?”

“I don’t-” Madaline shook her head.

“That seems to be the dynamic here?” Amber insisted, still maddeningly unconcerned. “The overall theme? Wouldn’t you say so?” She splashed her hand, the thin material over her body drawing tighter as she shifted herself even more towards Madaline. “I would say so.”

Madaline’s mouth was very dry and she couldn’t find words, how was she supposed to answer that it wasn’t like she could just-

Amber drew her attention back to her, back to the moment, with a snap of her fingers and her name, “Madaline,” spoken so expectantly.

The locks and filters on the most libidinal parts of Madaline’s personality came loose, Did this butchbait fuck toy just fucking snap at me! Madaline caught the thought and scrambled, locking all the hasps and clasps back down.

“Yeah, Amber?” she said carefully, it took her a couple tries to get a body that was bound by the desire to surge forward to take a step back instead but she managed it.

“You, me, predator, prey, right? Excuse me, hunter and prey.”

Madaline shrugged helplessly, feeling a little sick, “Yeah, that seems to be kind of what’s going on.”

“Hmmm,” Amber hummed thoughtfully. “So you were hunting me just now then?”

“N-No.”

Amber looked at her.

“Yes,” Madaline admitted, shame pushing her another step back.

“Why do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?”

“Stepping away, in fact, why did you stop, hunting me, I mean?”

Madaline couldn’t have heard that right. “What-”

“You heard me.”

Madaline hunted for an answer, her hands raising and falling, squeezing the air trying to grasp an answer, “I’m not supposed to. I promised.”

Amber blinked at her, “Did I ask you to stop?” She said it simply, her voice sliding effortlessly, from light and sweet to dark and heady. She did it without the pause and breath to adjust that Madaline would have required to do anything comparable. Then Amber brought it right back up the scales into bright and girlish:“I don’t remember asking you to stop.”

“Well no… but-”

“Then why?”

“Cause I’m- I promised I’d be good or at least I’d try. That I wouldn’t wreck things-”

“But I didn’t ask you to stop,” her voice went dark. “Nobody asked me. In fact. You’re the only one...” her voice went light but heavy with emotion, “The only one,” she emphasized, “Who ever asks me. Who has ever asked me.”

“I...’ Madaline flicked her tongue over her lips, trying to wet them, but her mouth was still so dry,

“Wouldn’t it be easier, just to be as you’re inclined, isn’t that what you’re about, that authenticity with yourself and don’t you want me to know you, how can I know you if I don’t experience that part of you?”

Madaline was breathing very hard, “Yeah, but-” Madaline said, trying to find the angle by which she could explain, she could debate.

Amber wasn’t having a debate, “Come here.”

Madaline stepped forward and stopped herself.

“Come here,” Amber said, this time with a wave of her hand, the gentlest of commands and Madaline was rushing towards her, and scooping her up, and pinning her under her, wet fingertips on her cheek for just a moment and then Amber nearly ripped Madaline’s head off dragging there mouths together and, that was such a relief, broiling in each other's embrace, hot enough to cook the stream and burn the world.

Amber's mouth trailed down her neck, leaving impressions like gentle scald marks, brushing over the side until-

There was a snap, “Maddy, hey, Maddy.”

Madaline blinked her eyes open, returning to reality, she was too fucked up to be mad at the sudden end to the revelry.

The porch had been vacant when she closed her eyes, now she found herself looking up into ten silver dollars in the dark, set in sets of two, watching her, grins slowly appearing under them.

Madaline leaned back on her hands, her vision adjusted, revealing familiar faces.

“You good, Maddy, don’t go too far down the rabbit hole now,” said Riley.

Madaline thought of a very dirty and humorous snap back to this.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, yeah, just lost in my head.”

Hymara smirked down at her, “Been sitting there awhile, way more quiet than usual, did you get lost somewhere fun?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Madaline looked at them, patterns shifted and moved across their faces, the joint in Ophelia's fingers left an orange light saber blaze through the air as she brought it to her lips.

“Mildly, it was alright...”

Hymara giggled , teasing and flirtatious, “Looks better than alright.”

Madaline eyed her, and pushed herself up to her feet, unconscious of her own body, “Why,” she caught it just as she finished erecting her spine.

“Cause bitch, you’re sitting there with a full on hard on,” Keiko laughed, coughing out smoke.

Madaline seized a groan before it could escape and as Amber would have put it leaned in, smirking proudly and waving down at the tent in her jumpsuit, “You’re all just upset your not getting it tonight,”

Ophelia reached down and poked her, “Fair.”

Madaline swatted at her, and turned the motion into a snap and pointed at Astrid, “That includes you by the way, top only, my ass.”

“You only is asking a bit much, but any time you want some, babe, I can provide,” Astrid said, thrusting her hips forward.

Madaline shook her head, and stuck her middle finger in the air, “In the words of the great saint Christopher Wallace, fuck all you hoes.”

They all laughed, it was fine, the boner would depart as soon as she got distracted, better yet she felt like the waves of her trip had gotten back under control and she was ready to get moving again, she strutted down the planks of the porch heading for the door.

“Careful, don’t put a hole in the wall while trying to maneuver with that,” Keiko cat called.

“Where you going Maddy?” Riley asked.

“Much as I love standing here building up a list of slights to punish you for later dear, this isn’t where the music is at,” Madaline blew them a kiss, “I’m going back downstairs.”

6.

Like clockwork, practically every time, always the same-

Now, is the winter of our discontent, but it’s been two years, when’s summer supposed to get-

Amber was laying in the dark next to Simon. He was sleeping. She was rigid with unresolved tension.

Her not reaching climax wasn’t new, but ruminating on it on the other hand, when had she started doing that? I shouldn’t think this way about things, it’s not his fault...

If someone asked her about her sex life, she would have said it was good, it was undeniable that she and Simon had sex frequently, that the core necessity of the act was fulfilled, which for Amber happened to be that they had sex, full stop, her lack of physical release was perhaps an imperfection, but in the end the act in itself performed the function she needed it to... So why…

Always ends the same, over too fast and just… it’s not his fault... That’s what she’d told him early on in their relationship when they’d gotten physical, the few times he’d apologized, she’d figured he would get better, and in the beginning she’d told him the truth that she was happy to be close to him, which is of course how she still felt...

She was used to such feelings lasting for maybe a couple minutes, not the half hour it was now extending to, if Madaline were here she’d be downstairs in front of the TV with her by now. Her body gave a little ache as though a hallow place had been carved out.

Why am I even thinking about this, things could have gone so wrong, because I- She’d forgotten the joint in her bra and had to be careful as she undressed for Simon, it had sat there all day next to her heart.

Once they were done and she was sure Simon was asleep she crept over to the laundry basket and slipped it out of where she’d carefully bundled it, grateful to find it intact.

She took it into the bathroom planning to flush it, then it would be over, no evidence, really she was lucky it hadn’t just fallen out at some point during her day, where Simon could have seen it.

Once again though, she found herself unable to let it go, magnetized to her fingertips, after fifteen minutes she did the obvious thing, gave up, clenched it softly in her palm and took it back to bed with her.

What would she have said to Simon if that had happened, if it had fallen out of her clothes at any point in the evening and he’d seen it? Sorry honey, your sister, you know the bad transgender gave it to me. It would be frighteningly easy to get him to believe such a lie. She could sell that line, but not produce it, even if it had dropped out of her shirt, she would have had to think of something else, something that directed his attention away from Madaline.

I’m acting so silly… I mean what would Simon say, it’s not like I can’t have this, I’m over twenty one, you can buy this in shops so...

She lay with it, rolling it between her fingers, both trying and trying not to think about what Madaline was doing.

Another half hour passed, her body ached.

Pretty sure you’re supposed to smoke from the ends not the middle like that, Serpentine said wryly.

She discovered she was pressing the middle of the joint to her lips, she yanked it away. Her tongue slicked out quickly and back in.

Are you going to try it? Probably not a great idea, not without Madaline here, Serpentine asked.

“No,” Amber whispered aloud.

She slid herself out of bed, crouched to the floor and retrieved her box, sliding the joint between the pages of her book, she held it for a moment, trying to dismantle the physical dissatisfaction by enjoying the sense of ownership and thus made a terrible discovery, holding her book, this totemic object, that usually gave her such intense pleasure only made the aching worse. The feelings fed into each other horribly, beautifully.

Amber dropped the book back into the box and breathed out a shaky breath. Having gone through these other two items, and perhaps craving another kind of completion, she reached out and brushed the appropriated scrabble tiles.

The ache surged.

She closed the box, unwilling to deconstruct her feelings, she climbed back in bed, none of this mattered, like so many things in life, the joint, the book, the scrabble tiles, whether it was how she got them or her experience of having them, the only things that really mattered were what people knew, and what they didn’t, and people didn’t know.

Three letters, nine points, definition: common phonetic spelling for a hum or a moan.

Another 30 minutes passed, the dissatisfaction remained, until at last she opened her phone and began looking at fan art.

This website has been deemed appropriate by Governing Body Greg Orlet, Madaline whispered in Amber's head, sarcastic and musical.

A flash of anxiety, shame, and at last frustration.

Yes, he did, Amber thought, It's not my fault. It's fine, it's appropriate and it's safe. She did not reflect on how unusually defensive the tone of that thought was when it came to this peculiar matter of her existence.

She landed on a piece from Dungeon Meshi, Marcille sitting in Falin’s lap, touching her face, they gazed at each other, lost in adoration.

She admired the image, the colors, the line work.

At last her eyes took in the caption: ”Historians call them close friends, roommates, besties.”

Her mouth twitched, she read it several more times and at last the sense of dissatisfaction that had been plaguing her crumbled, leaving behind only an awful melancholy, sitting on her chest like a sleep paralysis demon.

Her hand trembled slightly, Being silly again.

She set her phone aside, and lay in the dark, numb, but sleep was around the corner, she turned on her side and looked out the window at the moon through slatted eyes.

On the edge her defenses start going down; she doesn’t know how to dance, but she imagines dancing in the moonlight, somewhere in that idea of motion and freedom and expression is a moment of terrible honesty that fires like a ball across a pool table, aimed for the pocket, but bouncing off instead of sinking so that she doesn’t have to remember it or process it. It will take another couple of months or so for her to approach this thought fully awake and even when she does, she’ll have to find another way to verbalize it when she at last brings it out to share.

It’s not fair, why couldn’t I meet you first?

Amber slept.

7.

Twenty Four hours later Madaline woke up; there was no alarm so she came to it slow, worn out and warm and comfortable, in spite of the twisted mass she’d become part of on the love seat downstairs she conceivably might have slept on till morning, but something had gone wrong again with the stereo.

When she brought Ani down here to nap several hours ago, joined later by Ophelia and Imani, she slid several new discs into the stereo and turned the volume low, but at some point Ani had gotten up and at another the stereo had decided that it liked Puppet by Tyler the Creator and nothing else.

Thus the song had been playing on repeat for nearly forty five minutes slowly dripping into Madaline’s brain, until it drew her out of dreamland.

It was a disconcerting song to wake up to.

She pushed herself out of the gentle tangle of bodies, holding her head for a minute before getting to her feet.

She went over to the stereo, hit skip, then hit it several more times when it refused.

She tried changing it to the next disc in the rotation, she was denied once more. Puppet continued to play.

The disc was perfect, Madaline always checked them before loading them in, she was always careful with physical media, had been since she was a child, no this was the beast, Rikka had been right, she should have brought her sound system instead of relying on this one.

She’d heard the song echoing in her sleep, it was a good song, she loved it...

“I can't maneuver without you next to me

It's so complex to me.”

But not now, she needed to skip it, needed it to stop, needed it to...

"What do you need? Do you need bread?

Do you need this? Do you need a hug?"

“God, shut the fuck up,” Madaline still half asleep and frustrated whacked the old equipment with the back of her hand and by some Fonzian magic, the disc changed. As soon as the new disc started, she hit skip to make sure it was actually working again and she didn’t wind up with a song that would be even more of a curse on the moment.

It was working fine, Venus by Lady Gaga began, she groaned in relief and patted the beast, feeling a little a little ashamed about the outburst.

She checked to see if she’d woken anyone up, she hadn’t.

I don’t know what that was about and I don’t want to, I’m not starting my evening with that, take two...

She went to the sink in the back of the basement, drank from the faucet, likely a bad health choice and then jammed her head under until it was soaked, she found her duffel, took out a towel, dried her hair.

Hair continuing to drip, she returned to the stereo and struggled her exhausted body through a set of burpees to get her blood running.

The house had spent the day in recovery mode, food, chill out activities, naps, chat, pot smoking, lazy sex, movies running in the living room off a laptop hooked to an old boxy TV; sapphics gathered around it like a campfire, sipping coffee and glasses of orange juice or choking down Louisa’s recovery formula if they were brave. Madaline had had three rounds of the awful but effective stuff.

She stood inside the music, eyes closed catching her breath, she felt pretty okay, she needed another few hours of sleep to get back to 100%, things still felt fuzzy and unreal around the edges, like her brain had been taken out to ride a roller coaster for twelve hours and then been slowly jammed back in her skull.

She’d catch the sleep back at Simon’s in a little bit.

Actually, depending on what time it is-

She pulled out her phone and found it was too late, it was already Sunday morning, if she thought she could catch her she would have rushed herself out to get back to see if Amber would be up for anime tonight.

The idea that anime with Amber in itself would make for a nice recovery activity had occurred to her several times throughout the day, not to the tune of her wanting to leave early, but to the tune of her wishing Amber was there, but much like making it back when Amber was likely already asleep...

It’s fine, we’ll catch up tomorrow. See if she wants to ride to Marbleporte with me.

It was then that she heard the giggle, she caught Raven and Xuan in her periphery over in the stairwell, they hadn’t been there when she’d woken up, must have just come down.

Well hope they enjoyed the show, Madaline smirked softly to herself.

She went back to her bag and changed her clothes, when she came back out again, she sat on the couch and checked her phone.

Raven giggled again.

Madaline looked up and saw Xuan tittering silently.

Madaline chewed her lip, she didn’t mind them looking, but there was something about the way they were doing it that concerned her, glancing at each other, then back to her, then back at each other and rapidly signing with their hands.

Xuan was mute, Raven was one of a handful of the group that had learned enough sign language to be fluent, Madaline was not.

Well, they could be talking about how hot I am, they’re deff chatting like school girls, but why do I get a feeling that’s not what’s happening?

Madaline walked across to them, straightening her spine, her hair dripping a little water from the sink along the floor as she went.

‘“What you two talking about?”

They continued to sign.

“Nothing,” Raven snickered.

“Right,” Madaline sucked her lip, “That’s not taggy at all, hookay, I need coffee."

Halfway up the stairs she groaned inwardly and turned on her heel, getting Raven’s attention, “What is Rikka telling people?”

Raven signed at Xuan, who grabbed her face doubling over. Raven looked up at Madaline, her lips twitching upward, “Nothing.”

“Uh-huh.” Madaline turned back around and went back up the stairs. Goddfuckingdamit.

Louisa was in the kitchen when she got there, working at the stove, bright and fluttering about like a butterfly, “Good evening Maddy, commissary? Making grilled cheese for people.”

“Sure, thanks, Lou,” Madaline said, dumping out the coffee and starting a fresh pot. A little relief, Louisa wasn’t snickering or giving knowing looks like Raven and Xuan were, but then unless your name was Cam, Louisa wouldn’t.

A couple minutes later Madaline had a steaming cup on the counter and was crunching into a grilled cheese. Louisa delivered the other sandwiches to a group of remainders in the living room and came back to clean up the stove.

Madaline wiped her mouth, “Hey Lou, do you know...Is Rikka spreading rumors about me? New ones I mean. ”

“Not that I know of, but it’s Rikka, she’s probably spreading rumors about everyone right now. She doesn’t mean any harm.”

“Right, do you know where she is, please tell me she’s passed out upstairs so I can wake her up.”

Louisa shook her head in the negative, “She took off with Noor, Ani and... Cam a couple hours ago to take care of her plants, they won’t be back until after daylight.”

Louisa made herself tea and left the kitchen.

Madaline ate her sandwich and listened to the music from the speakers coming up from below.

Emily entered around the time Madaline was dusting the crumbs from her fingers and refilling her coffee. Other than the Rikka situation she felt good, Rikka had been right, the acid had been very kind, this was a quick bounce back.

Em paused in the door frame when she saw Madaline, looked down, looked around, looked away, shook her head in a way that flicked her blue hair about and continued on to the door at the opposite side of the kitchen which led to the back porch.

Fuck you Rikka.

Emily cocked the door open and pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes and a lighter.

Madaline stood and approached, “Okay, I have to know, what did Rikka tell you?”

Emily drew a cigarette from the pack with her lips, “Huh? What?”

“Rikka, talking about me, Rikka the gossip, rumors.”

Emily shook her head, the cigarette bobbing in her mouth, “She didn’t say anything to me.”

She put up the cheap lighter and began flicking the wheel, it sparked but didn’t light.

“Nothing?”

“Nothing, goddammit somebody stole my good one and this one won’t-”

Madaline snatched the lighter from her fingers, examined it, ripped the flame guard out with her teeth, monkeyed with the switch, flicked the wheel, the lighter caught and shot a five inch flame that if positioned slightly higher would have taken out Madaline’s eyebrows.

Madaline turned the flame down to a usable level, leaned in and lit Emily’s cigarette for her and handed the lighter back, careful so the hot metal didn’t touch her skin, Em looked up at Madaline, her head tilting slightly, eyes a little shiny.

"How do you know someone stole it?"

"In my pocket one second, gone the next. I swear."

“If you're sure somebody stole it, check if Ainsly has it,” Madaline concluded. "Before moving here", a phrase that in context meant before us, "she got by on pick pocketing, right, she does this kind of thing sometimes, just little stuff, pointless stuff, thinks of it as good sport. Even if you don't ask, if she's got it, she'll probably give it back eventually."

"Good to know," Em said quietly.

Alright, Rikka didn’t say anything to you, so, what’s up… you’ve been weird like every time you saw me since I got here.

“Surprised nobody showed you that,” Madaline said, leaning on the door frame, indicating the lighter as Em slid it back into a pair of shorts over a skin tight one piece, that did too much showing off of her legs for Madaline’s health.

The cigarette crackled expectantly as Emily drew on it, “Maybe I knew and was just waiting for you to help me.” She stopped, the cigarette twitching in her fingers, looked down and took a step back away from Madaline.

Like I said, weird.

Madaline assessed the vibes, yeah, there was tension here of the sexual variety, it was kind of like Em was struggling against the urge to flirt with her and doing so in the most flirtatious way possible, like she was leaving space for Madaline to make a pass, which wasn’t usually how they did things, furthermore, when was the last time the attraction between her and Emily presented as tension?

Not since the first time they’d gone to bed together.

She’d fought for the guest approval for a reason, first in the hopes of righting her head a bit and concurrently, so she could spend at least one night in her bed, not lonely and thinking about the girl asleep with her brother on the other side of the wall, but until now she hadn’t really thought about who she might bring back this weekend, if anybody.

E and Meg were obvious, but she wanted to do a couple trial visits before she started to stretch, or rather break, that particular parameter of her and Simon’s agreement.

She and Em always had a good time together, so it wouldn’t be bad to see if Em was interested/available for a spot of fun and games, followed by cuddling and another round of nice comfy sleep afterwards.

If Em wasn’t interested in that kind of thing anymore, and she’d read the situation all wrong, she’d try to figure out what was going on with her or between them, while respectfully turning off the charisma.

Let’s test the waters.

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t jump to service you faster.”

Em chuckled and said nothing, flicking ash, not uncomfortable, but curious and then seemed to be waiting on Madaline again.

Right, let’s try skirting the issue.

“You know you’ve been giving me weird looks all day and not the usual weird looks you give me.”

“Huh. Have I?”

“Yep.”

“Not the weird looks I usually give when I want servicing though?” her voice a little low and starting to grin and then stopping as though remembering not to.

I’m liking that wording, but… let’s give her an easy off ramp.

“That is what I am saying. I mean that’s still there, just, little different now, so, what’s up, we alright, are you alright?”

The cigarette glowed, “Me, oh yeah ,yeah, I’m fine, as for us though, that’s complicated.”

Madaline exhaled vapor and sipped up the bottom of her coffee in a display of nonchalance, “Right. Cool, in what way?”

“I’m not supposed to be alone with you,” Emily said softly, twisting to the side a little and back.

Madaline almost broke into laughter. “Okay, that’s new, how come?”

Emily drew long on her cigarette and whispered through the exhale, “Because you get good girls smoking, Madaline Mellor.”

Lightning flashed in Madaline’s head and she remembered what Rikka had told her at the cafe; the obvious shape of the situation presenting itself. She has to stop herself from laughing maniacally, Oh seriously, okay, I see the game here, and also... fuck him.

Madaline changed up her tone and leaned just slightly towards her, “Right, but that stands on the premise that you are a good girl, problem is we both know you’re not.”

“That would be how we got here, but maybe I’m trying to be better.”

“I won’t lie Em, that sounds boring and you’re so in the wrong place if that’s your goal, but never let it be said that I ignore the wishes of a girl friend, just let me finish this,” she waved her cup, “And I’ll go get someone to chaperon us or I’ll just grab Louisa or Riley or Astrid, they can tag in for me.”

If the occupants of Deadhaus were all gathered for this conversation they might have all called out of one accord: Emphasis on, never let it be said I ignore the wishes of a girlfriend.

“Hmmm,” Emily nodded, “I actually had a nice morning with Astrid last weekend.”

“Oh, well I’ll grab her.”

“She eats pussy better than you.”

Madaline slid her tongue over her teeth, and shook off her knee jerk domineering response, her gock suddenly throbbing in her jumpsuit, boners and the movie that had run head aside, her capacity for lust had been more or less been switched off since the drugs had taken over, it was no longer switched off, and if Madaline had any remaining doubts about what Em was doing, they were now gone.

“Ouch, Emmy, my heart, really?” she said in mock sorrow.

“Mmmhmmm, marginally.”

"Maybe I was having an off day last time."

"It's a general comparison of your skills, so wouldn't you have been having an off day every time we've been together?"

Madaline sucked her tongue, and shrugged, "Regardless, there’s no shame in the silver medal and that just means there’s room for improvement, I’ll see if I can invest some more skill points, shame you won’t get to judge though, being that we can’t be left alone together anymore.”

“Such a terrible shame,” she crossed her legs in the most showy way Madaline could imagine.

“Who’s more fun overall?”

Emily fought the smile rising to her face. “It’s not the same, but if I had to pick… You. Marginally, but don’t tell her, I love Astrid.”

“Lips are sealed.”

Madaline flicked her fingers coolly. “You know now that I think about it, this whole… can’t be left alone with me situation... it’s surprising.”

Emily dropped a thread of ash to the planks of the porch. “Mmmm?”

“Yeah, see, speaking of Rikka, she told me something the other day, a rumor.”

“Well, you're the one that was worried about Rikka and her rumors, hope you got a citation.”

“Nah, I didn’t and that’s what I told her, but the thing is, unlike what I’m worried about with her, what she told me about you... it’s not outside the realm of possibility.”

“Mmmmm, what did she say?”

“She said you dumped your boyfriend.” Madaline kept her eyes on her.

Emily didn’t look back at her at first, her lips popping a little, the edge of her heel on the ground tick-tocking, “No, Madaline, fraid there’s no grounds to that rumor, after last time, he and I had a talk and we came to... an arrangement.”

“Huh,” Madaline said almost bored, “Well, no worries, one should never let a rumor ruin the moonlight,” Madaline waved at the fat yellow moon over the yard in the sky, actually taking half a second to admire it.

Emily’s mouth quirked, “Is that a line from a song, Maddy?”

“Nah, just something somebody told me,” Madaline deadpanned without missing a beat, "Anyway,” she hit her vape, “How’d you get here, didn’t see your car?”

Em took a hit, the cigarette was nearing its end, both of them now understood it as a timer for the game of sexual chicken they had been playing from the onset of the conversation. Emily drew a second time, as if to tell Madaline she’d better hurry and then exhaled.

“Came in Noor’s.”

Desire aside, Madaline always felt at ease in games like these, because in the end it was up to the person in Emily’s position, Madaline was just there to play the role of the alternative to good behavior and certainly no standardized moral compunctions ever raised their heads…. Usually… They weren't here.

“Well, that’s unfortunate, she’s going to be gone for a bit, is what Louisa said, left with Rikka, actually, hoping you’re not trying to bail before mid-morning. Might have to have your boyfriend pick you up somewhere.”

“Maybe, but I can probably find someone else to drop me off, are you at all curious about what arrangement he and I came to?” She hit the cigarette, it spat a spark on it’s way down to it’s last usable puff, the last bit of fuse before the cotton of the filter.

“Not really,” Madaline said, awful in her carelessness.

If Amber had been on the other end of this conversation this moment would have been familiar to the day where they’d debated the consumption of the mac and cheese, the moment where Madaline’s already angular features somehow became even sharper, more cruel with barely a change in what she was doing.

“What I’m actually curious about is, if he had to get you, cause, say, people were otherwise occupied, where are you going to tell him to pick you up, cause it can’t be here, specifically where is he picking you up between the hours of roughly 10 AM and noon.”

Emily brought the cig up to hit, stopped, her eyes bouncing to Madaline and away, her lips twitching.

With a little thrill, Madaline watched the process happen, as Emily began to concede the game, they’d worked each other up and now Madaline had thrown out the offer, Emily was on the edge, talking herself into it.

As a gentle push Madaline gave Em a wicked smile and waited to see if the better devils of her nature would prevail.

Em took the last hit of her cigarette and crushed out the embers on the bottom of her shoe. Madaline held out her hand to take the butt from her.

She looked at Madaline, a little last moment of hesitation.

Emily smirked, “Still like it when girls call you Daddy?”

In Madaline’s head she imagined an old coin op fighting game announcing a second player.

Madaline stepped closer and placed her fingers gently on Em’s neck, “Sometimes, often, it depends on the girl, except for when the girl is introducing me to their parents, then I always love it.”

Em shivered and clicked her tongue, “I don’t know Daddy, where is he picking me up, specifically, between 10 AM and noon.”

Brush of fingertips against skin, “Chapel Cross, little place I’ve been staying out on Wickard Drive.”

Em stepped closer into Madaline’s touch, her breasts brushing just under Madaline’s own, “Why wait, plenty of people are gone, lots of open rooms upstairs for activities.”

Madaline got back down by her ear, “Yeah, but here I don’t have to put in the fun of keeping you quiet and, I’m hitting the quandary of wanting to be up in the morning over there, I got a thing I have to do , but being around everyone has reminded me how lonely that bed gets.”

Em licked her lips and shrugged, “You’re the domme, are we leaving soon?”

“No rush, going to say my see you laters, touch base with Estelle and Meg before I go.”

“I’ll find my things,” she said and let Madaline enjoy watching her saunter away.

Ten minutes of other goodbyes followed then Madaline found Estelle and Meg sharing a mattress in a room on the second floor; Estelle was wide awake blinking at a copy of Man and his Symbols, scratching on one of her legal pads, her girlfriend only visible as a shock of red hair shooting out of cocooned blankets.

Estelle glanced up as Madaline slipped through the open door.

Madaline entered and ran her hand over the slight peach fuzz atop Estelle’s head, “You need a shave.”

Estelle jerked her pencil at Megan, “She’s going to take care of it this week, why don’t you stop over, she can touch you up too?”

“Why, am I showing?”

Estelle glanced and went back to her notes, “No.”

Madaline moved around to the opposite side and sat alongside Megan, “As long as no one can tell that I’m not actually a natural blonde, why expose myself to dangerous chemicals.”

Estelle cracked a smile.

Madaline ran her hand through Megan’s hair, deftly working out the start of a couple snarls, “I’m getting ready to head out.”

“Phenomenal,” Estelle continued scratching a note, holding up a finger.

Madaline waited for her to finish.

Estelle’s pencil stopped, it went down and she looked Madaline over, giving her full attention, “Well, who’s place are you going to?”

Madaline took a moment to mull over her answer before deciding on being direct, “Mine or at least the place I’m staying.”

“You’ve been there over two months and still don’t have a sense of ownership, huh, that’s not like you. Who’s the lucky lady?”

“How do you always know when I’m about to get laid?”

“The look of either uncontainable excitement or a 30 percent increase in your smugness. Who?”

“Em,” Madaline said, her fingers curling and uncurling. “You know me, felt kind of cute, thought I’d put in some more work destroying a heterosexual relationship today, gotta maintain that bullshit rep you love reminding me of..”

“Hmm, that’s work for you? I thought you did that just by walking around in public?”

“No, that’s more of a broad spectrum attack on heterosexuality."

"Oh. I'm surprised Em is going after you again so quick after last time."

"They worked it out, her boyfriend literally made me the single exception to an otherwise open relationship.”

"Your reputation is one thing, but you say “straight” girls aren’t your type and yet...”

“They’re not, I’m their’s," she thought of Amber, "Some of them at least, but,” she touched Estelle’s ear with the tips of her fingers and was pleased to watch her blink and draw a little understated breath, “I’m gay girl’s type too. I’ll have you two over soon, but I get one guest night a week for one guest, want to wait a little before I start pushing my luck.”

“Waiting on pushing your luck huh? How’s Amber feel about Em coming by?”

Madaline’s finger cracked, “Fucking Rikka, I fucking knew it, can’t keep her big mouth shut and while I was fucking asleep.”

“She had a ball earlier telling a bunch of us; so many of us have been curious about who you’ve been spending time with. Myself especially.”

“There’s nothing to be curious over, she’s my roommate.”

“You’re roommate, who took you to your blood work-”

“It was an emergency.”

“And then on a date with you to the Wake Up Call Cafe, little understated for you, but you do take girls there.”

“It was understated, so understated that it might be safe to say it wasn’t a date,” Madaline scratched at her head.

“Still doing anime and chill?”

“Yep, platonically and that's fine. What else did Rikka tell everyone?”

“Not much, apparently she's one of the cutest little gals, her description, that Rikka’s ever seen. Emphasis on little, apparently she’s too short for you and Rikka is currently plotting how to get her number out of you.”

“Spacecase couldn’t plot two points on a chart,” Madaline grumbled.

“Oh, well,” Estelle extended a hand with her phone, “why don’t you just give it to me and I’ll pass it along to Rikka, since she’s your roommate and you're not interested in her… like that. Heck, if she’s that cute, maybe I’ll ask her out myself.”

Madaline started to remind her that Amber had a boyfriend and caught herself, realizing the trap that had been laid in the immediate conversation.

She saw Estelle catching the moment Madaline saw the trap, a little glint behind her glasses.

Clever girl. Madaline amended her statement. “Yeah, I don’t think so, I really don’t feel like complicating the status of the place where I work and sleep, I’m dumb but not that dumb.”

Estelle nodded, “But after you move out?”

“What is this fucking fascination with her, E?”

“I don’t know Maddy, what’s fascinating about her?” Estelle sighed, dropping her hand and going serious, “You’ve made her fascinating, a few of us were curious about what was going on with you, myself included, but now they’re talking.”

"How did I-"

“The combination of your… preoccupation with her, platonic though it may be, and the fact that until Rikka ran into you randomly, the most anyone other than me knew about her, and I don’t know much more, was you had a trans female roommate that you hang out with a lot, but aren't bringing around to meet anyone, now we have a name, that's nothing and because it's you, that’s grounds for speculation, you should be happy it isn’t way more wild.”

Madaline threw up her hands, “Well, maybe you'll get a look at her when you come over and that'll satisfy your curiosity.”

Estelle knocked her glasses up her nose and gave Madaline a look that read: Do you think that is going to be satisfactory? Why aren’t you bringing her around or why aren’t you saying that you offered and she’s not interested. What are you up to, that’s the real curiosity. What is going on with you? What aren’t you telling me?

Madaline ignored her.

“Rikka said that she gave her an open invite for the summer, so if we don’t meet her soon maybe she’ll be coming around in a bit?”

Madaline shrugged, “It’s possible, I guess, but really I have no idea,” she slid her hand in her pocket and found her cash, peeled off bills and slapped them on Estelle’s legal pad. “Hey, I want to get back, it’s a bit of a drive,” she pointed to Megan under the covers, “Give her my love and take her to the diner over on Tennant and Cheedle for breakfast, they just got a bunch of vegan options on the menu. Tell her I'll be over for a bit this week." Madaline considered for a moment, "Tell her I'm going to be over more often in the evenings."

Madaline seized her chin and kissed her, before turning and contorting herself to kiss the top of Megan’s head through the blankets.

“I’ll see you soon alright.”

“Sure thing Maddy, but don't think I don't realize that by handing me this," she flashed the bills, "your paying up without having to admit you were wrong about the Lou x Cam hookup."

"I love you for not making a thing about it. Original bet stands, hen."

"Of course, you take it easy on Em- oh you never answered me.”

Madaline had reached the door frame, and knocked her knuckles on the wood, “About what?”

“How do you think Amber feels about you bringing Em over?”

Madaline sighed, “ “We haven’t talked about it, she knows that I might bring someone home, and she’ll be sleeping when we get in, but if you would listen to what I’ve been saying, I can’t imagine that it’s even been on her radar."