Ding-dong~
“Delivery!”
Su Yin opened the door and took the delivery, but before he could even look at it, a hand reached over and took it from him. He hurried to grab the person. “I made dinner. If you don’t want to eat that, I’ll make something else. Why do you keep eating takeout every day? You can’t even finish much of these boxed meals.”
Pei Weixue turned sideways, pulled the takeout back, and carried it over to the dining table.
“Weixue.” Su Yin was really helpless with him. No matter what had happened between them before, things had never gotten to the point of this kind of cold war. Now Pei Weixue couldn’t even be bothered to speak to him. He sighed and sat across from him, opened the stew pot, and ladled out a bowl. “You… can you stop taking those meds, okay?”
Pei Weixue lowered his head and ate from the boxed meal. He glanced at the medicinal cuisine pushed in front of him. The herbal smell was faint, almost completely covered by the smell of the food itself. He paused for a few seconds, then got up and went back to his room. While Su Yin followed behind him calling for him to come eat, he took out a printed divorce agreement and slapped it against Su Yin’s chest. “Sign it.”
Before the agreement could fall to the floor, Su Yin caught it. He flipped to the last page and looked at Pei Weixue’s signature. His fingers tightened, then loosened. The paper crumpled instantly in his hand. He asked, “If I sign it, when you have an episode, will you still let me hold you?”
“I’m not living here anymore.”
Su Yin’s pupils contracted. “What did you say? Where are you moving to?” His gaze swept across every corner of the room, and only then did he realize that a lot of things were gone. Even the snowman doll that had always sat properly on the bed had disappeared.
The snowman doll had been a gift from Pei Weixue’s parents when he was thirteen. He had always kept it by his side. The style was old, and there were visible traces of stitching repairs. He always had to hold it when he slept. Some people had trouble sleeping in unfamiliar beds, but Pei Weixue was attached to that pillow. Without holding it, he simply couldn’t sleep.
Pei Weixue followed his line of sight, saw that he had noticed, and said, “I’m moving out tonight.” When he met Su Yin’s instantly reddening eyes, he turned his head away and brushed past him to go back out and continue eating.
Su Yin stood there in a daze for a long while before finally carrying the agreement and a pen outside. “If I sign it, can you not move out? This place belongs to you too. You shouldn’t be giving all of it to me.” He looked at the property division inside, his feelings complicated. Just like everyone had said, after hurting Pei Weixue like that, in the end Pei Weixue was still giving him so much, including this apartment.
He turned and went back to his room, planning to draft a new agreement, but then he noticed a file on the desktop. Had he drafted this before?
When he opened it, he nearly crushed the mouse in his hand.
He had actually wanted Pei Weixue to leave with nothing. No, seriously, how had he dared?
He simply swapped the names in the file, printed it out, and brought it to Pei Weixue. “Weixue, sign this one instead. I agree to the divorce if that’s what you want. But… don’t move out.”
When an episode hit, Pei Weixue would sit tirelessly in front of the computer and write code, endless amounts of it, even though most of it was useless. His behavior would also spiral out of control.
When other people lost control, they smashed desks and chairs. Pei Weixue hurt himself instead, becoming wildly irritable, beyond soothing no matter what anyone said or did.
The first time he saw Pei Weixue have an episode, Su Yin had nearly been scared to death, even though they had just been sitting by the lake peacefully doing their final project.
His final project had been to submit his proudest clothing design. After meeting Pei Weixue, he had stopped pestering Jiang Zhi to model for him. Once he finished a design, the first person he wanted to try it on was always Pei Weixue.
As he measured Pei Weixue’s body, Pei Weixue didn’t get annoyed, letting him tug and fuss over him while staying immersed in building a website system.
“Weixue, you’re still too skinny. I’ll go see what else I can make you tonight.” Su Yin held a soft tape measure around Pei Weixue’s wrist. His frame wasn’t small, so even though he didn’t have much flesh on him, he was still clearly built like a grown man. After measuring, Su Yin wrote the number down.
He often measured Pei Weixue’s chest, waist, and hips, claiming it was for making clothes, but in truth he would secretly compare the numbers with those from a few days earlier to see if he’d put on any weight.
Pei Weixue stared at the computer screen. He looked as though he was deaf to everything around him, but in truth he answered every sentence. “Okay. We’ll go buy ingredients later, and you can teach me.”
“Why would you learn from me? Just eat.”
Pei Weixue said, “I want to cook for you too.”
Su Yin smiled so brightly it was almost sneaky, nodding repeatedly like a pecking chick in instant agreement, then went back to his sketching.
Suddenly, the sound of typing beside him grew louder and louder, drawing Su Yin’s attention. He turned his head and saw that Pei Weixue’s face had gone pale, his expression strange as he kept striking the keyboard.
“Weixue?” Su Yin leaned over to look. The code on the screen was filling so fast it made his eyes swim. “Weixue?” He grabbed Pei Weixue’s shoulders, but before he could pull him away, Pei Weixue slammed a fist into the rock beside him, then dragged it downward. Blood welled up instantly.
“Weixue!” Terrified and worried, Su Yin stopped him from smashing his hand against the rock again, trying to snap him out of it.
Pei Weixue flung off his hand and shouted at him, “Leave me alone!” He picked up the laptop, stood, and strode away quickly.
Su Yin chased after him and got shouted at several more times. He was completely dumbfounded and deeply worried. He followed him all the way to the tiny apartment Pei Weixue rented near the school. The door slammed shut, and since he couldn’t get in, he could only knock anxiously.
He had never seen Pei Weixue this agitated before. Had something happened?
Less than half an hour later, Pei Weixue opened the door. His face held an unnatural pallor, making him look terribly fragile, and there was a trace of fear in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I scared you, didn’t I?” He looked at Su Yin, unable to tell whether Su Yin’s expression was good or bad.
This illness always made him feel absurdly exhilarated for no reason, and just as irrationally quick to anger. Just now he had even wanted to shove Su Yin away hard, to make him stop sitting so close. Luckily, he had forced himself to redirect those emotions and take them out on the rock instead.
“Does your hand still hurt?” Su Yin cradled his hand with aching tenderness. “Let’s go back to the school clinic and get it bandaged.” It was class time then, so not many people were passing by, and the few who did barely glanced at them.
He didn’t ask what was wrong with Pei Weixue. He only worried that his hand hurt.
At that, the fear in Pei Weixue’s eyes was replaced by stunned disbelief. He said nothing and let Su Yin lead him back to school.
After they came out of the clinic, Pei Weixue hesitated again and again. After a long bout of mental preparation, he stopped walking. His fingertips curled, worrying at the hem of his clothes, his palms damp with sweat. “Su Yin, I have a mental illness.”
His back was drawn tight, taut as a fully strung bow. He looked like a prisoner waiting for sentencing. He was terrified that Su Yin would stop being his Color Palette because of it. His Adam’s apple bobbed with difficulty. “I didn’t mean to hide it from you. Actually, if I take my meds, I can keep it under control, but today I forgot to take them…”
Su Yin had asked him out first thing in the morning, and he had gone to meet him in delighted excitement. In the process, he had forgotten something this important and nearly caused a disaster.
The reason he didn’t live in the dorms was also because of this illness. It could be mild or severe, and it might affect his classmates. What he feared most was causing trouble for other people.
So would Su Yin hate him for being this kind of trouble?
“What medicine are you taking? Does it have side effects? Have you seen a psychiatrist? What did the doctor say?” Su Yin fired off a string of concerned questions, his eyes fixed on Pei Weixue’s injured hand. There was worry there, and confusion, but not the slightest sign of retreat.
Pei Weixue looked up at him, lips pressed tightly together. In an instant, he deflated like a punctured balloon. He rested his head against Su Yin’s shoulder and said softly, “There are side effects. I’ve seen a doctor. The doctor said it’d be best not to take them. But I can’t not take them.”
Su Yin gently steadied his head. “Let me see your medicine.” His mom was a doctor, so this was something he could ask her about.
The apartment had only a single small room, tiny but containing everything, and it was very tidy. There were two opened bottles sitting on the wooden table. He picked them up, memorized the names, and sent them to his mom.
Then he looked over the items in the room and noticed that many things were damaged to varying degrees. Maybe he had smashed objects in here too.
“Is your color blindness related to this?” Su Yin asked worriedly after seeing the message his mom sent back.
Pei Weixue didn’t deny it.
Then that meant it was.
His thoughts returning to the present, Su Yin set the agreement in front of Pei Weixue and asked softly, “Okay? We can keep living together, and I agree to the divorce. When you have an episode, don’t hurt yourself. You can be like before, bite me, hit me, yell at me.”
There was still a bite mark on his shoulder from Pei Weixue. That bite had been deep, and it was also from that time on that Pei Weixue gradually learned to control himself a little even without medication.
‘Bite me’
When Pei Weixue heard those two words, he very clearly remembered that chaotic scene when he had bitten Su Yin’s shoulder until it bled. He turned his face slightly away and stayed silent.
“Okay?” Su Yin’s tone softened even more. If not for those missing six years, then if he had just wrapped his arms around Pei Weixue and made a couple of coaxing noises, Pei Weixue would have agreed right away. Unlike now, when he had to ask over and over and Pei Weixue still ignored him.
Pei Weixue took the agreement and skimmed through it quickly. It was the same as the one Su Yin had given him before, except that the one leaving with nothing had been changed to Su Yin.
His long lashes lowered. He took the pen, flipped to the last page, and signed his name. “Tomorrow at nine, we pick up the divorce certificate.”
“Wait, that fast?” The corners of Su Yin’s mouth drooped bitterly, his whole face full of misery, his brows knitted tightly together. “It can’t be that fast, can it?”
A trace of mockery rose at the corner of Pei Weixue’s lips as he cast him a contemptuous sidelong glance. “What, regretting that you’re the one leaving with nothing?”
“No, no, no, that’s not it. I mean, getting the divorce certificate shouldn’t be that fast, right?” Su Yin waved both hands back and forth. “You even laminated our marriage certificate. Isn’t this your final test for me?” As he spoke, his head drooped lower and lower. He wanted to lean in and nuzzle Pei Weixue’s hair, but after getting glared at, he straightened up again.
Pei Weixue’s gaze sharpened. “How do you know the marriage certificate was laminated? Did you go into my room and touch my things?”
Feeling guilty, Su Yin apologized. “Yeah. I just wanted to know when we got the certificate.” He folded his hands and leaned on the tabletop to look at Pei Weixue. “Give me one chance. Test me. Just…” He thought for a moment. “How about half a year?”
“If within half a year I really change for the better, and you also feel like changing your mind, then we can get divorced, okay?” His eyes brimmed with sorrow. “Please?”
Pei Weixue wasn’t in the mood to watch him put on an act. “No.” He cleaned up the empty boxed meal containers.
“Then where are you moving to? Tell me.” Su Yin thought that if he knew where he was moving, he could secretly stake the place out.
Carrying the trash bag, Pei Weixue got up. Su Yin followed behind him like a sneaky little tail, watching as Pei Weixue threw the garbage into the trash can out in the corridor. Then Pei Weixue took two steps back, didn’t spare him a single glance, and walked straight to the apartment across the hall.
Su Yin’s eyes lit up. So he was moving in with Mom. That was close, very close. Completely acceptable.
When the door opened, he called out to Su Qingyue, “Mom.”
Su Qingyue smiled as she pulled Pei Weixue over, shot him a cold look, and shut the door just as Su Yin took a step forward.
Su Yin: “…”
How was anyone supposed to live like this!
He drifted back home like a wandering ghost. The medicinal cuisine was still sitting on the table and had gone a little cold. He ate it all one bite at a time, tasting nothing.
The house felt so empty.
At times like this, he should either have been eating dinner with his mom and Pei Weixue, or washing dishes together with Pei Weixue after dinner.
How had it turned into him eating alone!
The spoon became the target of his frustration. He dropped it into the bowl with a sharp smack, then slumped back weakly and looked around at a home that was both familiar and strange.
Still, Pei Weixue moving in with Mom was a good sign.
At least he hadn’t disappeared without a trace and left Su Yin with nowhere to find him.
That meant there was still room to salvage things between them.
Maybe Mom could even help him.
On the other side, Pei Weixue and Su Qingyue sat at the dining table, where a pile of dried herbs was spread out. He roughly went over the contents of the divorce agreement with her.
While picking through mugwort stems, Su Qingyue nodded. “At least he’s come to his senses a little. You don’t need to spare my feelings. What matters most is what you want to do.”
Pei Weixue also picked out the rotten mugwort. “I know, Mom. Do all of these need to be sorted clean? Are you making sachets?”
“The two of us are going to soak our feet. It’ll keep us warmer in winter.”
“Okay.”
In winter, Pei Weixue’s hands and feet were always cold. But after meeting Su Yin, Su Yin had often taken him to the spa for massages, foot soaks, and acupuncture, and it had improved a lot.
Over these past six years, he had also tried bringing up those old things, wanting to go back to that same spa with Su Yin and do the things they used to do together. But Su Yin had always ignored him.
“After I divorce him, can I keep living here with you?” Pei Weixue had long since come to think of Su Qingyue as his real mother. Over the years, Su Qingyue had worried herself sick over the two of them and gone through several illnesses, none too serious, but not minor either. He wanted to live here so he could help take care of her.
Su Qingyue said, “Of course you can. Stay as long as you want. But…” She pulled over another basin of mugwort stems. “It’s the same thing I’ve said before, don’t do anything for my sake. If he’s changed his heart, then just follow your own.”
“I know.”
*
Su Yin didn’t sleep at all that night. He lay there with his eyes open until dawn, his mind completely occupied with what he was supposed to do.
He dragged himself out of bed without any energy and made breakfast, then followed a diet plan and ate one ear of corn, two eggs, and half a cucumber.
There was a sound at the entryway. He stuck his head out and met Pei Weixue’s eyes. “Weixue!” He hurried over. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Bring your ID.”
Su Yin’s face fell at once. He trudged back to his room at a snail’s pace, each step seeming to take ten seconds. After quite a while, he finally shuffled back out. “I lost my ID, haha. Let’s get divorced after I replace it.”
Pei Weixue brushed past him and walked in. The room had changed. Everything was neatly arranged, and even the trash can was clean. He froze for a moment, then went straight to the computer desk and took the ID card directly out of a small decorative sled. “Let’s go.”
Su Yin: “…”
After they had gone a few steps outside, Pei Weixue noticed Su Yin hadn’t followed. He turned slightly and looked at him in silence.
Left with no choice, Su Yin had to walk out. He was most afraid of that kind of look from Pei Weixue. So cold, cold enough to make him shiver.
And cruel too.
At least… to him, who had absolutely no idea what had happened, it was unbearably cruel.
A confession followed by a divorce, it was like being thrown between ice and fire. No one could take that.
In the elevator, Su Yin glanced at Pei Weixue’s reflection in the glass, then eventually gave up and stared openly.
Pei Weixue looked straight ahead, his voice icy. “Don’t try anything.” Today, he had to get that divorce certificate in hand.
Su Yin pulled back his gaze. “Oh.”
After they went outside, Pei Weixue told him to stand where he was. Not long after, a car stopped in front of him. When the window rolled down, Pei Weixue had one hand on the steering wheel. “Get in.”
Su Yin smacked his forehead. Careless. He had been thinking that if they took the bus or an electric scooter to the civil affairs bureau, that would buy him some more time. He’d completely ignored the fact that Pei Weixue had a car.
He moved slowly, dawdling all the way as he got into the car, and beside his ear came Pei Weixue’s impatient little ‘tsk’.
“Stop clicking your tongue at me.” Su Yin took a deep breath and said weakly, “Honestly, I really don’t have those memories. I’m not pretending to have amnesia to trick you. It’s because someone…” Someone was controlling my body.
“Someone what?” The puzzled question sounded out, and only then did Su Yin realize he couldn’t get the second half of the sentence out again. He tried to say it once more, but still no sound came.
What was going on?
The veins on Pei Weixue’s hand where it gripped the steering wheel stood out sharply all the way up his forearm, clearly betraying his mood. He was far less indifferent than he appeared on the surface.
The joy he had felt in looking forward to marrying Su Yin had been just as great as the pain of the years after their marriage. He simply didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes, but that didn’t erase how he felt about Su Yin.
Only, that was Su Yin before the age of twenty, not the one after.
Letting out a long breath of stale air, Pei Weixue’s breathing turned uneven. It was rush hour, the traffic crawled, and every red light seemed determined to catch him.
Su Yin kept watching him and sharply noticed that something was off about his breathing. He took a sled model out of his bag and set it on the dashboard. “Isn’t it cute?” He wanted to distract Pei Weixue.
Pei Weixue glanced at the model, and his mood eased considerably. He had already taken his medicine before leaving the house, but there was no helping it. Whenever that illness ran into the sort of thing that made him irritable, a little emotion still leaked out.
“And this, I got it yesterday when I signed up for a gym membership. I asked the front desk for it as a prize.”
“A gym membership?”
Su Yin propped his head up and looked at him. “Yeah.” With his other hand, he slapped his stomach. “Gotta get my abs back. My abs. No idea how they disappeared.”
Pei Weixue let out a cold laugh. Spending all day cooped up at home, drinking milk tea, cola, and alcohol, never moving at all, it would have been strange if he still had abs. His gaze flicked to Su Yin’s pale stomach. The corner of his mouth curved up, then flattened again almost at once.
When the light turned green, the car started moving again. Pei Weixue realized that after exchanging a couple of joking remarks with Su Yin, his mood had almost completely calmed down.
Su Yin clenched his fists until they cracked, then glared down at his stomach. “If you won’t leave on your own, don’t force me to beat you up.” He even smacked it once. “This is terrifying. I have to bring back my beautiful eight-pack.”
“Show-off.”
The teasing voice that sounded through the car was gentle.
Su Yin lifted his head blankly and looked at Pei Weixue. Pei Weixue’s face was cold again. Su Yin turned to look out the window, covered his mouth, and couldn’t stop the smile that bent his eyes.
Weixue could still tease him. That was great. Maybe the future wasn’t completely dark after all.
The very next second.
“We’re here. Get out.”
Su Yin: “…”