The Underworld.
A green-faced ghost with red hair dared not delay and hurried into the hall to report: “Your Majesty, Celestial Master Zhang has arrived!”
Hearing the familiar duck-voice, the previously drunken Yama jolted awake, his intoxication vanishing in fright, nearly tumbling off his throne.
After steadying himself, he straightened his crown and wailed in despair: “Not again?!”
Last time, Taibai Jinxing had swindled a hundred thousand souls from him with just a few words. What was he here for this time?
Surely the Heavenly Court couldn’t be short on housing and planning to move his Yama Hall away?
Please, no—this was his only office, and it was even rented from Kṣitigarbha Bodhisattva. He hadn’t even paid off the loan yet… sob sob sob.
Even as the little figure in his heart whipped out a handkerchief and wept on the spot, with the big boss’s secretary personally visiting, he still had to put on a show.
Yama rose from his throne, ordered the ten bottles of beer and twenty pounds of spicy crayfish on the table to be cleared away, straightened his robes, and announced loudly: “Show him in!”
As he spoke, his eyes twitched incessantly toward the judge beside him.
You deadbeat, stop pretending to be a scarecrow over there—go get some perfume to spray around! If we’re caught slacking off during work hours, my perfect attendance bonus for this month will be gone again!
The judge, slow on the uptake, realized he hadn’t brought any perfume. In a panic, he pulled out the Giant Spirit Anti-Wolf Spray he’d recently bought online from Pinhaowu and sprayed it wildly all over Yama and his throne.
Fortunately, Yama reacted quickly and sealed off his sense of smell the moment the judge pulled out the bottle.
He then kicked the judge squarely in the butt, sending the ghost flying into the wall so hard he couldn’t be pried out. “I’ll fuck your mother—”
How dare this petty judge attempt a coup! Such audacity!
Turning around, Yama instantly switched to a smiling face and walked cheerfully to the entrance to welcome Celestial Master Zhang.
“To what do we owe the honor of your visit, Celestial Master?”
Celestial Master Zhang, putting on airs, was about to speak when his nose twitched. Suddenly, he caught a whiff of an overwhelming stench, so foul it made his features scrunch up.
He glanced sideways, scrutinizing Yama carefully, confirmed the stench emanated from him, pinched his nose, and waved his fly-whisk disdainfully. “How many years has it been since you last took a dump? It reeks!”
“………………”
Yama forced a smile, propping up his cheek, while inwardly wishing he could send that judge to the Eighteen Levels of Hell to be sliced into a thousand pieces.
“Celestial Master, you misunderstand, actually—”
“Actually what?” Celestial Master Zhang spoke with a nasal tone, quietly putting more distance between them.
Yama’s mind raced into a storm of thoughts. He currently had two options.
First, explain clearly that this stench came from the Giant Spirit Anti-Wolf Spray. However, this spray had recently been listed as contraband by the Jade Emperor and announced throughout the Three Realms. This very Celestial Master Zhang had once been sprayed in the face for offending the Peony Fairy and had since avoided the anti-wolf spray like the plague, harboring a deep hatred for it.
If he told him the truth, this guy might go back and accuse him before the Jade Emperor of attempting to assassinate an imperial envoy. Then he’d really be in for it.
Second, go along with Celestial Master Zhang’s assumption and admit it. But everyone in the Heavenly Realm knew that the Jade Emperor’s four celestial masters were all big mouths. Admitting to this would be disastrous!
In that case, sorry, Barefoot Immortal!
Who told you to be notoriously unkempt, sneak down during work hours to drown your sorrows in drink with him, and get utterly wasted? If you don’t take the blame for this, who will?
Anyway, your reputation has already been tarnished by Pagoda-Bearing Heavenly King Li, hanging at second place on the hot search list—unfortunately overshadowed by the topic “Heavenly King Li Suspected of Being a Cut-Sleeve.”
We’re both immortals—why does he get more traffic than you!
After all these years of brotherhood, allow this king to lend you a hand!
Reach the summit, my old friend!!
Yama stretched his neck, putting on a show as he glanced left and right to confirm there were no other ghosts in the hall. Only then did he lower his voice and say, “Actually, it was the Barefoot Immortal!”
Celestial Master Zhang furrowed his brows, clearly unconvinced.
Yama patted his arm again, his eyes darting around as if he were sharing a world-shattering secret known only to him. He whispered with extreme caution, “Let me tell you, the Barefoot Immortal, he…”
Celestial Master Zhang went from initially being disgusted by the stench on Yama to becoming completely engrossed in the story.
Despite his psychological aversion to the foul odor, he subconsciously leaned 0.01 millimeters closer to Yama to discuss this little-known, explosive piece of gossip.
“I’d never heard that the Barefoot Immortal likes to relieve himself wherever he pleases when he’s drunk,” Celestial Master Zhang clicked his tongue and shook his head, still savoring the story.
“It’s one thing if he relieves himself whenever he’s had too much to drink. With tens of thousands of years of friendship, I can’t really say much about that.”
“The key is, he insisted on slinging his arm over my shoulder earlier. What could I do? I couldn’t shake him off, no matter how hard I tried. That’s why I ended up covered in this stench.”
“Right before the Celestial Master arrived, I was just about to bathe and change my clothes. Honestly, the smell was unbearable!”
With that, he theatrically waved a hand in front of his nose, his expression full of disgust.
Seeing his various actions and finding no hint of deception, Celestial Master Zhang believed him.
“Alright, enough about this. The Jade Emperor sent me down to investigate someone. Quickly summon the ghost officials to bring out the Book of Life and Death. Let’s talk outside.”
He turned and walked out first, muttering as he went, “The stench in this hall is overwhelming! How much did the Barefoot Immortal relieve himself? It smells eerily similar to Giant Spirit Anti-Wolf Spray.”
Yama wiped the sweat from his forehead, relieved that he had managed to intercept Celestial Master Zhang at the entrance. This spot was far enough from his seat that Celestial Master Zhang hadn’t detected the smell.
“Someone! Quickly! Bring the Book of Life and Death!”
“Celestial Master Zhang, everything is here. May I ask whom His Majesty wishes to investigate?” Yama asked with a smile, wearing eighteen sachets on his person.
“Shen Yuanling, male, a mortal. His Yang Lifespan was seventy-two years, and he passed away from late-stage liver cancer around the time Taibai Jinxing came to you for someone.”
“The Jade Emperor orders you to investigate where he was reincarnated and into which family.”
“Ah, this humble deity obeys,” Yama replied in a low voice, then turned to instruct the unlucky judge who had been on duty when the monkey stormed the underworld. “Investigate! Quickly!”
“Yes, yes, yes! This humble one will investigate immediately, right away!” the unlucky judge responded repeatedly.
Hurry up, flip through it!
He flipped through one book after another until he finished the first one.
Cautiously glancing at Yama and Celestial Master Zhang, he quickly picked up another book and continued flipping.
Celestial Master Zhang’s face gradually showed signs of impatience.
Yama offered an apologetic smile while anxiously glaring at the judge.
As the last book was flipped through, the air suddenly fell silent.
The unlucky judge wore a pained expression, holding the Book of Life and Death as he stammered, “R-reporting to King Yama… there’s nothing.”
“The Book of Life and Death governs all living beings in the Three Realms. How could there be nothing?!” Yama slammed the table angrily. “You must have been careless and didn’t look closely enough. Hand it over! I’ll investigate it myself!”
With that, he snatched the Book of Life and Death from the judge’s hands and flipped through all thirty-something volumes again.
When he reached the last page of the last book, his eyes widened slightly, and his mind went completely blank.
Though not as pale as his face.
“This… Celestial Master, it must be that these judges accidentally missed the record. Let me check the electronic version—the electronic version must have it!”
“Someone, quickly bring this king’s computer!”
Celestial Master Zhang’s eyes darkened, his fingers gently stroking the fly-whisk.
While the ghost attendant fetched the computer, he ordered the unlucky judge, “Check Shen Fuxing.”
The three words struck like an electric shock, leaving Yama instantly rigid, his back drenched in cold sweat.