They never did find the shopping bag with Lexi’s old male clothing that she had dropped.
Ah, well. Not like she would miss them anyway, and at least she still had her wallet. If it was between her or her old clothes going missing, she was glad it was the clothes.
Before they had left the Careless Angel Bar and realized Lexi was missing, Roxy said that her contact—“The owner, an old friend of mine,”—had given her the address to a black market magitech dealer in Shadow Town, as well as the password phrase to signal to them that she was looking for more ‘specialized’ goods.
“We’re going to pick up your ovary implant and strength-enhancing nanobots from there,” the hyena woman said to Lexi.
“I think we should get you some contact lenses and a binder too,” Sabrina said. “Your eyes will look mega-different after your first transformation, and you’re going to need to, like, hide your boobs at the academy somehow.”
“Yeah, good thinking,” Lexi replied. “To be honest, I’m still not sure how I feel about the fact that I’m going to have … breasts.”
“Don’t worry, kid—they’ll grow on ya,” Roxy said, laughing and patting Lexi on the shoulder.
Syd had been quiet the whole time since Ripley left. Lexi chatted a bit with Sabrina and Roxy on the way to the dealer’s address, but Syd seemed distant the whole walk beyond the occasional grunt or nod when spoken to directly.
Lexi wasn’t feeling like talking with her much anyway. She had thought they were getting along quite well ever since Syd showed her true colors—and then that fucking cheetah showed up and soured the mood. There was a history there. Something Syd was hiding.
Lexi had appreciated that Syd had stepped in to defend her and came to her rescue, but there was now a tension in the air. She couldn’t shake a growing feeling of annoyance, of all things.
Towards Ripley, for sure. Fuck her.
But also a little bit towards Syd. Something didn’t sit right with Lexi about how she acted.
The dealer’s place turned out to be a run-down walk-in clinic that had seen better days, which made sense, since they were buying black market implants. When Roxy gave them the password phrase—‘I’ve caught a case of the blues, and only some green will do’—the receptionist dialed a number on the office phone, talked briefly with presumably the dealer on the other end, and then motioned the four of them towards the door in the back of the clinic. Roxy and Sabrina went further down the back hallway to negotiate with the dealer, which left Syd to guard Lexi in one of the doctor’s offices off to one side.
After closing the door, neither Lexi nor Syd opted to sit down in one of the chairs. Instead, they leaned on opposite walls of the small office, looking around the room without speaking, occasionally glancing at each other before looking away again.
Lexi was the first to break the silence.
“Hey, Syd?”
“… Yeah?”
“You wanna fucking explain yourself?”
Taken aback, Syd replied, “Excuse me?”
“Back there, with Ripley,” Lexi said, “why didn’t you just tell her to fuck off from the start?”
“Oh, I wanted to. Badly.”
“So … you just … didn’t? Don’t you hate her?”
“I hate her damn guts. And I wouldn’t trust her with any more information than I told her. But she’s a beta like me. And a fellow beastess.”
“Why does that matter? She’s a jerk!”
“You don’t have to like every beastess you meet, but as you’ll learn soon enough, our kind have bigger enemies to fight than each other.”
“Yeah, I think I already know that by now, thank you very much. And now Ripley knows I used to be the enemy! Hell, maybe she thinks I’m still secretly with the Church!”
“She’ll see the truth. We’ll prove her wrong.”
“I doubt it. I really doubt it, Syd. Why’d you have to tell Ripley I’m a paladin, huh? I thought that was a secret for our pack only.”
“You saw how fucking nosy she is! Better if she hears it from me first. It’s like ripping off a bandage.”
“I don’t like how she looked at me. First with disgust when she found out I’m a paladin—ex-paladin, whatever—and then violating me with those ‘fuck-me’ eyes when she found out that I was …” Lexi was still getting used to the term, especially applied to herself. “… that I was a t-trans woman.”
“Hey, don’t blame me! I don’t like it any more than you do.”
“Well, maybe I should blame you! Maybe I would have liked to have a say in my own disclosure! Maybe I don’t want every beastess in town to be out for my blood!”
“That will never happen, Lexi. Not on my watch.”
“Your watch? Your watch? I got snatched off the street, Syd!”
“Yeah, and it won’t happen again!”
“How can I trust you?”
“How can I trust you? You’re the one who wandered off!”
“Pfff, what are you, my babysitter?”
“Alpha Lea told me to protect you, and from now on, you’re not leaving my sight, understand? You should count yourself lucky you were snatched by someone I know.”
“Why the fuck are you defending that … that crazy cheetah woman?!”
“I’m not defending her! I’m just saying it could have been a lot worse!”
“Syd! I thought she was going to kill me!”
“Do you think I don’t fucking KNOW that?!” Syd roared at the top of her lungs.
Lexi’s ears were ringing. Syd panted heavily, both fists clenched and eyebrows furrowed in furious anger, as Lexi stayed perfectly still with her eyes wide and heart pounding.
Taking a deep breath in, Syd calmed herself.
“… I’m … sorry, Lexi. That must’ve been terrifying for you, and I’m sorry that I fucked up. You wouldn’t have been taken like that if I wasn’t so careless. That’s … that’s on me.”
Lexi nodded and said, “It’s okay, Syd. I’m sorry I got angry. I just … got caught up in my emotions. I’m usually not like that, I promise. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that angry before, honestly.”
Must be the wild magic or something, she thought to herself. Just like how she lost herself in the alleyway with Ripley.
“All I’m asking is that you understand where I’m coming from,” Syd said. “Like I was saying—I don’t like Ripley, but I have to work with her. The alliance between the Four Packs of Abraxas is as tenuous as you would expect from a bunch of people driven by their instincts, but we all prioritize protecting our packs. We’re all the pack-mates of the Goddess of the Hunt, after all. So we keep our fellow beastesses safe. Betraying that trust would leave us vulnerable to our enemies. So yeah, sometimes you have to keep the peace. Even if you can’t stand to be in the same room as them anymore.”
Anymore? Did they used to be friends?
Lexi thought back to some of Ripley’s comments …
Ah.
She put two and two together.
“… She’s your ex, isn’t she?”
Syd paused, then sighed heavily and said, “Yeah. She was my first serious girlfriend after I became a beastess. Well … sort of. It was a bit one-sided. Rip’s very forceful, as you can probably tell. I went along with dating her because, well, it feels good to be wanted. But Mac helped me get out of my own head. Beta helped me realize I didn’t actually like her, I just liked being liked. Beta helped me find the words to stand up to Ripley, but when I told her how I really felt, she got pissed and refused to accept it. I still don’t think she’s over it, to be honest. I think she just wanted me because … I used to be a man. She wanted her idea of me, as a big strong man … and not who I really was.”
Syd looked to the floor and paused for a second. Gathering herself. Her next words came slowly, like they were hurting her as she spoke.
“Anyway, when we broke up we had a big fight. Not a ceremonial one. It was … bad. It ended with her scratching me—” Syd pointed at her face, “—and leaving behind both me and our pack to join the eastern one.”
Syd wiped her face as her eyes glistened with tears.
“And it’s—it’s the weirdest fucking thing. I hate her, I hate her so much … but when she left, it fucking hurt. Because I had been rejected. I’d been dismissed, discarded, thrown out like I was her fucking trash, once I stopped living up to her idea of me. Forgotten. Abandoned. Left behind. Again.” Her voice trembled and caught in her throat as she spoke. “And … and … and I’ve n-n-never been good at d-dealing with people l-l-leaving me behind!”
Lexi could see it all etched on Syd’s face. Not just the physical scars. The emotional ones too.
Every time Syd had opened up a little to Lexi over these past few days, any time she showed her vulnerability, it was like opening a wound. Sometimes she could bear to leave it exposed, but sometimes she would close right up again if it got too painful.
A wounded wolf, doing her best to conceal the limp in her leg, to look strong for the sake of her pack.
For all of her cockiness, all of her confidence, all of her pride in being admired, all of her outward strength … Syd had weaknesses that she was trying very, very hard to hide.
All of it scar tissue, to protect her from getting hurt again.
“I’m … I’m so sorry, Syd.”
“I’m s-sorry for getting pissed at you earlier,” Syd said, sniffling. “You’re right, I should have—”
“No,” Lexi interrupted, startling Syd slightly. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry that she hurt you. I’m sorry that people keep leaving you behind.”
She grabbed Syd’s hands and held them gently in front of her. Their eyes met, Syd’s surprised expression to Lexi’s sympathetic gaze.
“I’m sorry that anyone would abandon someone as beautiful and amazing as you,” Lexi said to her.
The wolf beastess was quiet, not breaking eye contact.
Lexi could feel Syd’s hands start to shake.
A sniffle.
A single tear down her cheek.
Syd fell to her knees and collapsed into Lexi’s arms, almost knocking her over. Muffled, moaning sobs escaped Syd’s throat and vibrated Lexi’s chest as she pressed her face into the flannel. It took a significant amount of effort just to keep the massive woman upright. Despite her size, it was as if Syd’s strength had been completely drained out of her, and she dangled limply in Lexi’s embrace as her chest was wracked with gasping, heaving cries.
Through her tears, Syd opened her wounds, opened herself, to Lexi—her pack-mate, another trans woman, the only other trans beastess she had ever met, someone else who felt lonely, someone else who felt weak, someone else who wanted to be strong.
The wolf bared her aching, damaged soul to a woman she had barely met, but who somehow had so much in common with her.
“I f-failed you. I failed my alpha. I fail everyone around me!”Syd cried hoarsely between ragged breaths.“People always disappear f-from my life, and I don’t know how to s-stop it from happening! I’m not s-strong enough. I need to get stronger! I … I can’t let you disappear, Lexi … not like Mac … not again …”
Now it was Lexi’s turn to comfort Syd. Just like this morning, only switched around.
“Don’t worry, big wolf,” Lexi said as she stroked Syd’s hair, “I’m not going anywhere. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”
They remained there for a while. No words. Just Syd kneeling and crying into Lexi’s flannel, and Lexi hugging and petting her. It was only when Syd picked up her head to wipe her nose that Lexi felt comfortable enough to break the tension.
“Hey, you didn’t fail Alpha Lea. It’s not your fault that I wandered off like that.” Lexi squeezed one of Syd’s biceps. “About what you said at brunch—you’re right, you know. I do want to be as strong as you. You can’t be there for me all the time. I want to be able to defend myself.”
She placed her hands on Syd’s shoulders and smiled.
“And I, uh … I want you to teach me,” Lexi said bashfully.
Syd considered this for a moment, wiping the tears from her eyes … and then grinned. That wolfish grin again.
“Deal. But only on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
The wolf beastess easily and gently tilted Lexi’s chin up with one finger, a delicate yet strong gesture.
“Kiss me, pup.”
Lexi’s stomach fluttered.
She was pulled towards Syd, towards this massive woman, almost as if she had her own gravitational force. This unstoppable force of nature who had seen Lexi for who she truly was, because she had been there too.
And as she hesitantly approached Syd’s lips with her own, gazing into the face of this big, strong, gorgeous werewolf woman, Lexi could only think of one thing:
[I think I’m falling in love with her.]
Syd’s eyes suddenly widened, and she immediately grabbed the back of Lexi’s head and brought their lips together at last.
Everything was electric.
Lexi closed her eyes reflexively.
All that existed in the moment was this feeling, this touch, these sparks.
Those powerful arms holding her close, keeping her safe as Lexi hugged her back.
The feeling of Syd’s warm soft skin, with her pulsing veins and flexing muscles underneath.
Those heaving breasts pressing into Lexi’s sensitive chest with each sharp intake of breath.
Syd’s lips and tongue intertwining gently and passionately with her own.
This morning, Lexi had never felt safer than she did in Syd’s embrace.
And now, Lexi had never felt more correct.
Like she was worthy of love.
Like she was allowed to just be.
Like she belonged to Syd, and Syd belonged to her, and all was right in the world.
It was heaven.
A brief glimpse, anyway.
It ended as suddenly as it started.
Their lips parted and Lexi opened her eyes.
In front of her was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Syd smiled.
Syd smiled because she was looking at her, Lexi realized.
Lexi blushed at Syd and laughed nervously.
“Some first date this turned out to be, huh?” she panted.
“You’ve got that right, pup,” Syd breathily replied. “Damn, you’re a way better kisser than I thought.”
Lexi’s face turned even redder, and she shivered.
Feeling cocky though, Lexi said, “Better than Ripley?”
Syd gave a big belly laugh. “HA! Way better than that mangy cat, that’s for fucking sure.”
“Ha, I’m glad!” Lexi laughed.
Then she got quiet. A random memory had been shaken loose.
“Her last name’s Belladonna, right?” Lexi asked.
“Yeah?”
“Didn’t you order us two Deadly Nightshade cocktails at Club Demiurge last night?”
“Pfff, who do you think they’re named after, pup?”
“Okay, you’ve gotta tell that story.”
“Right now?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, uh, on our first date Rip took me to Club Demiurge. A few drink orders in, she had the idea that we should order each other’s drinks, by trying to guess what kind of drink the other person would like. She ordered me some sort of whiskey cocktail, and it was okay, I guess—didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. But I, on the other hand, asked the bartender to give Rip a glass of ‘pure poison’ as a joke. Heh. A slip of the tongue there … letting my unconscious thoughts run like that. Sue me, I was already drunk by that point. Anyway, the bartender ended up creating a really fuckin’ good drink on the spot! He pulled me aside when Rip went to the bathroom and said he was so impressed with what he came up with that he was considering putting that drink on the menu. And because I had ordered the drink for Rip, I suggested calling it the Belladonna. He liked it, but he had a better idea: Deadly Nightshade. So, yeah … that drink was probably the only good thing I got out of dating Ripley. Although, now that I think about it, on our second date we did end up scouting a really good location for that year’s tournament, so I guess dating her wasn’t a complete waste of time.”
Lexi, who up until that last sentence had lost herself in the sultry sound of Syd’s voice, suddenly remembered something.
Something Ripley had mentioned.
Something she had forgotten to ask about earlier.
“Hey, uh, Syd?” Lexi said. “What exactly is this ‘tournament’ you’re talking about?”