The tournament, as it turned out, was happening in about a month.
Syd had said it was officially called the Harvest Moon Tournament, and the harvest moon happened to be one month from the upcoming full moon. Lexi would have pressed her for more details right then and there, but Roxy and Sabrina had entered the office to say they got the goods and that it was time to head back to the den. Probably a good thing that they didn’t spend any more time than necessary in Shadow Town, anyway.
The subway was far less busy on the way back, and everyone was so exhausted from the trip (physically and emotionally) that they all decided to call it a night. Sabrina had told Lexi that she would teach her how to do makeup another time, she promised.
Lexi had a restless sleep that night. She tossed and turned, her dreams flooded with visceral sensations and vivid imagery that would wake her up several times from her slumber.
Dreams of stalking prey across grasslands, through forests, in dewy valleys.
Of the damp earth between her paw pads.
Of the coppery scent of freshly spilled blood.
Of the sounds of her pack-mates carrying over the mountaintops, each distinct in the far distance, howling and yowling and roaring at the moon.
She forgot she was ever human.
And then she would wake up and remember again.
The next day passed by agonizingly slowly. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were all delicious, and the mundane yet pleasant company of her pack-mates was much needed after the emotional rollercoaster she had gone through over the past couple of days. However, the entire time she couldn’t take her mind off of what was going to happen that night.
Two days ago, Alpha Lea had said that she would have her first transformation on the night of the next full moon. That meant that tonight was the night, and Lexi was equal parts excited and nervous.
Excited, because she wouldn’t just know she’s a beastess—she could transform like one too.
Nervous, because she might not be able to handle it. That despite what the Goddess had said to her when she was bitten, she wasn’t worthy of the gift after all.
This wasn’t something as simple as healing from a cut or training a muscle to get strong. The wild magic of a beastess transformation was incredibly taxing on the human body. From her studies, Lexi knew that the first few transformations (especially the first one) have a ‘calibrating’ effect, wherein the wild magic and the physical body must come into alignment and harmony over such factors as energy intake, anatomical reconfigurations, mental control over instincts and transformative abilities, and even what type of animal the beastess will turn into. Once calibrated, however, transformation for a beastess gets easier and easier to do each subsequent time.
If they calibrate, that is.
The strain on her body from her first transformation might kill her if her body rejects the wild magic or gets too overwhelmed from the shock. It’s killed other beastesses before. She’s read their stories. Perhaps a few too many times, in hindsight.
Syd had assured her over dinner that she wouldn’t be doing it alone, and that she would be accompanying Lexi tonight. It was her role as Lexi’s beta to guide her through this, just as Mac had done for Syd’s first transformation.
It calmed Lexi’s nerves a bit to know that. But still, Lexi thought, how could Syd possibly help if Lexi’s body couldn’t take it?
What if she really was too weak, deep down?
It looked like she had no choice but to find out, because dinner was done, and it was time to go.
Audrey had volunteered to drive, which took them a couple of hours. They took the same van that Lexi had rode in on the way back from the train station a couple of nights ago. Syd preferred her motorcycle or public transit, and was uncomfortable squeezing herself into the driver’s seat of the van unless she was forced to drive.
“Do you have your communicator, Sydney?” Audrey said, leaning out the window after she dropped them off.
“Right here, Audrey,” Syd said, pulling out of her duffel bag a black chunky-looking device with an antenna, a hinge on one side for flipping open the screen and keyboard, and the glowing cyan ankh logo of Gnosis Industries on its flat surface.
“If there is an emergency of any kind,” Audrey said, tapping her temple as the irises of her green magitech eyes rotated unnaturally, “please do not hesitate to initiate communications with me by means of that device. I shall be merely a stone’s throw away for any and all assistance, relatively speaking.”
“You’ll stay close, and we’ll call you if we need help,” Syd responded glibly. “Got it.”
Audrey smiled and waved as she pulled back onto the main road and drove off, until the van faded in the shadows beyond the few streetlights on the road.
Lexi shivered. The outskirts of the industrial district of western Abraxas had very little of the urban heat of the city, and the rolling winds of the flatlands chilled her to the bone. It was the twilight hour. The sky was a dull dark azure. Crickets chirped in chorus in the distance. She should have been able to see Mother Moon by now, but right now the full moon was obscured by clouds. The only light source around them was coming from their destination.
Syd beckoned Lexi through a hole in the chain-link fence, across the cracked parking lot, and into a large set of double-wide doors with a rusty padlock, which Syd easily broke with a well-placed kick. After striding through a concrete lobby, past abandoned booths and discarded trash, they found a long corridor that spilled out into the open air.
The Abraxas Minor League Soccer Stadium was a decrepit, decaying, hollow shell, completely empty of its former glory. In the van ride over, Syd had explained that the company that owned it was losing money on matches and decided to close it over a decade ago, so they could focus on major league games instead, soccer or otherwise. It was too far out in the boonies for the current owners to care about adequate security or renovation, and it had since been left to rot, filled with graffiti, infested with rats, and generally uncared for.
“It doesn’t look that bad,” Lexi said, spinning around and taking in the scale of it. It wasn’t a huge stadium, but it wasn’t small either. Various seats in the grandstands were broken or rusted. Almost every concrete surface had some sort of graffiti tag. The soccer field itself was full of overgrown grass and small bushes scattered about, the chaos of nature just beginning to emerge from order and engulf the pitch.
“Nah, it’s pretty bad,” Syd said. “But it’s perfect for what we’re doing tonight. Take off your clothes.”
“Wh—”
“I’ve got a blanket for you in the meantime, but we already lost your clothes yesterday and we don’t need you ripping your new ones to shreds.”
Lexi nodded and slowly started to strip down. She did her best not to look at her scrawny physique. She may feel stronger, but she didn’t look it. And for that matter, Ripley was right—she still looked like a guy.
The wild magic will change her, that’s what everyone has been saying.
And she believed them.
Well, sort of.
She looked over at Syd as they both took off their shoes. There were still some doubts lingering, but if anyone could answer them, it was someone who had been down that path before her.
“Syd?” Lexi asked as she tried her best not to look down as she removed her pants, “How did you … um …”
“Yes?” Syd fished a blanket out of her duffel bag and handed it off to Lexi so she could cover up.
“Thanks. Um, how did you know you wanted to be a woman? Know that you even were a woman?”
Syd shrugged. “I’ve always known. Just kept it hidden to survive because I knew no one would accept me.”
“Hmm.” That made sense, but wasn’t what she was getting at. Lexi thought for a second. “But, like, more specifically—how did you, of all people, know you wanted to be a woman? Like … shit, um …”
“What do you mean?”
“Fuck, this is kinda hard to explain. Um … like, if you always wanted to be strong, why be a strong woman? Why not stay as a man? Why look so—damn, what’s the word Sabrina used—butch? You said you like to top. You clearly like being admired for your strength.”
“True on both counts.” Syd flexed her arms and Lexi briefly lost her train of thought.
“Yeah. Yeah. Um.” Lexi cleared her throat. “Yes, so … why be a woman? Why not just be a strong man? How did you know the ritual would even work, that it would even make you look like a woman? Weren’t you afraid of looking like … like …”
“A man in a dress?” Syd smirked.
“Kinda, yeah. What I mean is, weren’t you afraid of looking ridiculous? Even if the wild magic worked?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not a man.”
“No, I get that, but beastesses tend to skew pretty masculine already. Beastesses like Sabrina or Audrey are the exception, not the rule—and even with them, they still have more athletic builds. Weren’t you afraid you would still look too masculine?”
“And that’s a problem because …?”
“People might still think you’re a man.”
“Lexi. Look at me.”
By this point, both Lexi and Syd had completely stripped down and Lexi pulled her blanket in tighter around her body as she gazed up at Syd. The wolf beastess’ nude body—wearing nothing except for her spiked collar—reflected the diffracted moonlight off of every single soft curve and gigantic muscle so elegantly, like a statue of an ancient warrior. She wasn’t even wearing her magitech strap-on, either.
No need to show off. This was Syd. Just Syd. Exactly as she was.
“Do you think anyone could ever mistake me for a man? Even if they did, it wouldn’t make me want to stop being a butch. You really gotta unpack your biases, girl.”
“I guess,” Lexi replied, sighing. “It’s just … I don’t know if it’ll work for me. I may know I’m a woman inside, but what if—fuck, what if I end up just looking like some big hairy dude in women’s clothing?”
Lexi felt a lump in her throat. Her vision blurred as tears fell from her eyes onto the grass below.
“What if I turn out to be a beastess,” she whimpered, “who doesn’t look like a woman at all?”
“That’s not going to happen. And let me tell you why.” Syd leaned against the graffiti-covered concrete barrier surrounding the field. “One thing Ripley never understood about me, but Mac understood right away, is that while I’m not a man, I’m still masculine—or at least, I wanted to be masculine. And when Beta helped me uncouple those two ideas, manhood from masculinity? It blew my fucking mind. You see, I had grown up with lots of things—lots of people—taken from me. So eventually I thought, fuck that, I should be the one who takes what I want! Because I learned no one would ever give it to me. And to do that, to be a taker, I thought I had to be not just the boy I was, but a ‘real’ man. A ‘strong’ man.
“Because that was the only way strength was ever presented to me. ‘If the world beats you down, spit in its face. If everyone abandons you, get stronger alone. Don’t be a pussy. You owe the world nothing, and if you are strong enough you can just fuckin’ take, take, take whatever you want. This is your birthright as a man.’ I held this twisted view of masculinity up on a pedestal, intertwined and inseparable from being a man, because that was what the world told me. A world warped and shaped by that fucking Church.
“Now, here's the problem—a wolf in sheep’s clothing is still a wolf. Like I said, I’ve pretty much always known I wanted to be a girl. What I didn’t mention was that I kept it hidden from everyone not only to be accepted—like that ever worked for the asshole I used to be—but also because I was ashamed of it. It didn’t fit in with my desire to get stronger and be more masculine, so I just figured it was some weird kink or something I had. Just like you, Lexi, I was envious of other girls for their beauty, and envious of other guys for their strength. I didn’t figure out how to make both desires fit together, until I met a strong woman—namely, Mac.
“Meeting Beta changed everything. Mac showed me there’s so much more to strength than just taking from others. I could be strong and giving, powerful and protective. I could get stronger emotionally as well as physically. I could feel comfortable in my masculinity without being aggressive about it. She showed me there is strength in numbers. There is strength in caring for your pack-mates, and how they care for you in return. She showed me I don’t have to …” Syd paused for a second, taking a deep breath. “… to go through life alone.”
“Of course,” she continued, “there are definitely men out there who can do all of that, who can be masculine without being assholes about it. But Mac took it to a whole new level. A whole different direction, even. And …. and she was a fuckin’ beast! She could do everything I wanted to do, better than anyone else I had ever seen, and do it all as a woman. She was … no, fuck, she is my role model. She’s the reason I wanted to transition. I decided quickly after getting to know her that I wanted to be a butch dyke just like her.
“There’s only so much of your transformation that you can control. Maybe you do end up looking big and hairy. But there’s big hairy women out there. You’re looking at one right now! You gotta embrace what makes you different, and reject what everyone else says you’re ‘supposed’ to do with what you’re born with. I may have been born masculine—and hell, I want to look masculine—but that doesn’t inherently make me a man. Because I get to choose what I do with what I’ve been given, whether it’s wild magic or genetics. I get to choose exactly how I look, how I dress, how I walk, how I talk, and how fuckin’ big and strong I get.
“And that is how I give back to my pack—by being unapologetically me. I don’t need to take from others to get stronger. My strength comes from within. My strength comes from helping my pack, my fellow beastesses, a family who accepts me exactly as I am—and protecting my beloved pack from those who seek to harm my kind. That’s true strength. That’s something that men who are takers don’t understand about us beastesses. Especially men like those in the Church.”
Wow.
Syd was so much wiser than Lexi ever gave her credit for.
… That just made her even hotter, honestly.
“Your first transformation will be starting soon,” Syd said, straightening up off of the wall and advancing towards Lexi, “and I’m going to help you trigger it.”
“H-h-how are you gonna do that?” she asked.
“Well, how else does one awaken a hunter?” Syd said, ripping the blanket off of Lexi in a dramatic flourish. “By giving you something to hunt.”
Lexi inhaled sharply.
This was really happening.
“I … don’t understand.” Lexi shivered. The night air was so cold without anything to cover her up. She longed for something to keep her warm.
“I don’t mean literally, silly pup!” Syd said with a giggle. “We could probably hunt for some rats in here or something, if you really wanted. No, I mean something to focus your energy on in your mind. Something that gets your emotions and instincts riled up, to tip the scales of the wild magic over into kickstarting your transformation.”
Right, Lexi thought. Just like that moment in the alleyway with Ripley. All she could think about for that brief moment was hunting down and fighting off that cheetah. Her instincts had felt all-consuming, a laser-focused intent, a spark of emotion that ignited into a blaze of fury.
Speaking of getting angry at things … were the crickets always this loud late at night out in the flatlands? The sound was starting to annoy her.
“So what do I do?” Lexi asked. “What do I need to focus on—”
“Just shut up and listen to your beta,” Syd interrupted with a sly grin, “… my prey.”
Suddenly, Syd pounced on Lexi in a flash, pinning her on her back to the ground. Both of her hands completely engulfed Lexi’s forearms, and her wide hips kept Lexi’s legs and pelvis firmly underneath her.
Lexi gulped.
Syd hadn’t called her ‘prey’ since that first night they met.
In remembering the terror of that moment … Lexi also remembered that she had felt deeply, viscerally alive.
“Good girl,” Syd whispered. “Let your beta guide you. I’ve got you, my sweet pup.”
The warmth of the wolf woman’s hot breath on her cold skin sent shivers down her spine.
She smelled Syd’s earthy, musky, floral scent once again. This time it was even stronger now that she was fully exposed.
Lexi’s stomach tingled with butterflies. Her face felt like it was on fire.
… Goddess above, this woman drove her wild.
“Beastesses are hunters,” Syd continued, in that sultry whispering tone, “We follow the Goddess of the Hunt. So listen carefully, Lexi, because this is the most important lesson Beta taught me: if you're going to be a hunter, you need to learn how to properly use your weapons—your fangs, your claws, your strength—and, more importantly, why you use them.” Syd tightened her grip on Lexi’s wrists, gently but firmly. “A hunter who hunts for themselves is a reckless, uncaring, and ultimately lonely soul, with no identity of their own apart from taking. A hunter who hunts for others is a protector, a provider, and a pack-mate. In other words, a giver.”
Syd grinded her hips down into Lexi’s.
“Are you a giver, Lexi?”
A jolt of energy shot through Lexi’s body, starting from her groin and exploding out of the top of her head.
“Y-yeah …”
“Oh, really? Well, I do believe you … but right now, in this very moment? I think you’re more of a receiver!” Syd thrust her hips into Lexi’s again, harder this time. “Am I right, pup?”
“Hnfff!” Lexi moaned involuntarily, biting her lip.
It was getting harder to talk. Words were difficult to form.
Everything was just so much. So much sensation.
And despite the huge woman on top of her, she was still so damn cold.
[If I were as big and strong as Syd, maybe I would be warmer.]
As if answering her very thoughts, Syd smiled and said playfully, “You want to be a big strong butch like me? But what about all of those people in your life who said you were … what’s the word? Oh yeah—weak?”
Lexi was taken aback.
Weak? Her?
But … but she’s supposed to be getting stronger … she isn’t … she can’t be …
“There’s your target, pup,” Syd said, climbing off of her and standing up. “There’s your prey. I want you to think about all of the people in your life, all those fucks back at the academy, who held you back. Who held you down. Who hazed you and teased you and beat you to the ground. Who told you that you were a piece of shit. Think of those fuckers who always kept you feeling scrawny, powerless, and weak! Think about hunting! Them! Down!”
Lexi scrambled to her feet. Her head was throbbing.
Memories crossed her mind in bursts. The countless, endless times she was made to feel weak all blurred together.
Every time she was ever teased.
Or berated. Punished. Scolded.
Pushed. Shoved. Held down. Beaten.
Every time she was ever made to feel ashamed for being small, or caring, or nice, or different from the other boys.
How they called her weak, for they were jealous that she had inner strength — strength of character.
And in every single one, she imagines herself fighting back. Taking back control of her life. Defending herself. Stronger than she ever was at the time.
No need to rely on Sophie anymore—Lexi imagines herself defending her instead.
Old wounds. Patched anew.
Yes. YES. They can all go to hell.
Fuck. Them. All.
At her full towering height, Syd cast a long shadow over Lexi, silhouetted by the light of—
Mother Moon.
Full and bright. No longer obscured by clouds.
The crickets were even louder now. Deafening.
And she could smell Syd even more strongly now.
And Lexi was still cold. So cold. So very, very cold on this chilly moonlit night.
… But not weak.
She would never be weak again.
She will hunt down the demons of her mind that have always tormented her, and …
And …
And …
[I’LL TEAR THEIR FLESH TO PIECES AND GNAW ON THEIR FUCKING BONES.]
Syd tossed her head back and laughed. And Lexi laughed along with her.
They both laughed in howling, barking, wild laughter—laughter of pure, gleeful, predatory joy.
A laughter born from their shared nature, red in tooth and claw.
Then, the wolf beastess gazed into Lexi’s wild, hungry eyes.
And somehow, without removing that fucking amazing, beautiful, and wolfish grin of hers off of her face, Syd spoke directly into Lexi’s mind.
[Sic ‘em, pup.]