They flew back to Shanghai that very night. The cabin of the red eye flight was deathly quiet and heavy with exhaustion. Han Shen had his eyes closed as he reclined in the seat beside Ji Ran. He seemed somewhat drunk, his cheeks faintly flushed and his breathing noticeably heavier than usual.
His tie was fastened tightly around his neck, making him look distinctly uncomfortable yet he didn’t make any attempt to loosen it. Perhaps he had long since grown accustomed to living under this kind of relentless pressure and constantly being caught up in a life of ceaseless work.
Not long afterward, Ji Ran fell asleep.
He remained asleep until someone gently patted his elbow to wake him. Ji Ran opened his eyes groggily, still half lost in sleep, only to realize that the plane had already landed.
Afterward, he and Han Shen each took a taxi home separately. By the time Ji Ran arrived at his apartment, it was already three in the morning. He hesitated for a while before politely sending Han Shen a message.
Boss, have you arrived home?
There was no reply for the time being.
Ji Ran took his pajamas and went to shower. Twenty minutes later, after drying his hair and coming back out, he checked his phone again.
Han Shen still hadn’t replied.
Ji Ran put his phone down and climbed into bed, curling his body into the cold sheets and pulling the chilly blanket around himself.
After returning to Shanghai, Ji Ran became busy again.
Han Shen didn’t spend much time at the company and the two of them saw each other fewer than twice a week. Before long, their relationship gradually returned to its original unfamiliar distance.
A week passed just like that.
The contract for the Hecheng Intelligence IPO project was finally signed and Ji Ran was informed that he would be responsible for coordinating the project and overseeing its overall progress.
Project coordination…
Ji Ran had absolutely no experience with anything like this. When he received the news, he was so stunned that he simply sat there in a daze.
“Don’t be nervous.”
Asher patted him on the shoulder, his emerald green eyes as clear as a lake fixed steadily on him.
“Your job is actually very simple. You just need to keep everyone’s workflow synchronized. If the people below you fall behind, give them a reminder and push them along. If they run into problems, help solve them. If you can’t solve something yourself, talk to me or Samuel.”
“But my rotation internship is only going to last another month or two,” Ji Ran said hesitantly. “What happens to the project if I’m transferred to another department afterward?”
It seemed Asher hadn’t considered that possibility either. He fell silent for a moment before saying, “This was Samuel’s decision. If you really don’t want to do it, talk to him about it before the meeting and make your position clear.”
Ji Ran hesitated for a while before finally walking toward Han Shen’s office.
The door was open.
Han Shen stood with his back to the window, speaking on the phone. He didn’t notice Ji Ran enter.
Ji Ran gathered his courage and knocked on the door. Only after receiving Han Shen’s permission did he step inside.
More than a minute later, Han Shen finally ended the call. He raised his eyes and looked toward Ji Ran.
“What is it?”
The words Ji Ran had prepared were already on the tip of his tongue but the moment those eyes settled on him, he suddenly found himself unable to say any of them.
Ji Ran was not a confident person.
For a very long time, he had been someone who rarely received much attention.
When he was in elementary and middle school, his parents worked away from home and didn’t pay much attention to his grades. It wasn’t until he entered high school and was admitted to one of the city’s top schools that his parents realized their son was actually quite good at studying.
But that was all.
Even after Ji Ran was admitted to Peking University, his parents were immensely proud of him in front of their relatives and friends yet they had never truly affirmed him.
Whenever someone praised his academic performance, his parents would shake their heads and say, “His grades are good, sure but he’s just too introverted. He’s even shyer than a girl. Whenever relatives come over, he doesn’t know how to entertain them. If you ask me, a son like your Dongzi is much better. He’s so young yet he can already help you with your business…”
Getting into Peking University had indeed given Ji Ran a certain amount of confidence.
But that confidence disappeared soon after the semester began.
There were simply too many people at the university who were better than him.
There were academic prodigies who won competition after competition, exceptionally talented students in the arts and outstanding athletes. They shone like brilliant stars, making Ji Ran, a small town student who had relied on studying to get ahead, seem utterly insignificant by comparison.
The only thing Ji Ran had ever been able to take pride in was his academic performance.
But when even his grades could no longer make him stand out, he once again faded into the crowd.
He was extremely grateful that he had managed to receive such a generous offer and at the same time, he envied the full time employees who were able to participate in major projects.
Thinking about it carefully, he wasn’t actually that opposed to this job.
He was simply afraid that he wouldn’t be able to do it well.
That was why he kept hesitating and going back and forth.
Rather than refusing the assignment, what Ji Ran really wanted was for someone to affirm him, to give that hesitant version of himself a push from behind and tell him that he could do it.
Ji Ran pressed his lips together and spoke softly.
“Samuel, Asher said that you arranged for me to coordinate the Hecheng Intelligence IPO project…”
Han Shen had always been busy. After hanging up the phone, he had immediately begun looking through documents again, his head lowered as he answered, “I did.”
Ji Ran paused before asking, “Can I know why?”
Han Shen replied, “Will knowing the reason affect your attitude toward the work?”
“No.”
Ji Ran immediately shook his head. After hesitating for two seconds, he added quietly, “I just feel that I might not be suitable for it.”
“You don’t want to do it?” Han Shen asked.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just…”
“Then go do it.”
Han Shen finally lifted his head from his work and looked directly at him with his deep, dark eyes.
“You’re not the new intern who just walked through the door anymore. You’ve already been at Feng Sheng for two months. You’ve also worked on an IPO project before. Your abilities are no worse than those of the full time employees.”
Ji Ran looked up in disbelief.
His heart suddenly skipped a beat.
Was Han Shen encouraging him?
“I…” He parted his lips, trying to say something.
“I won’t force you to take on this project,” Han Shen told him. “But if you can’t handle it, I’ll consider replacing you.”
Ji Ran stood there in a daze. He had not even recovered from the happiness he had felt moments ago before those words sent him plunging straight back down.
Replacing him…?
No. He couldn’t lose this job.
Anxiety immediately overwhelmed Ji Ran. He bit down on his lower lip and the thought of dressing as a woman surfaced in his mind once again.
When he was young, his family had not been well off. Before he entered elementary school, Ji Ran had always worn his older cousin’s hand me downs. Naturally, that had included dresses and skirts.
There were not so many rules about such things in the countryside. Many children wore old clothes passed down from older relatives. If a family could save a little money, then they would save a little money. His parents worked extremely hard to earn a living and Ji Ran had been a sensible child from an early age. He had never opened his mouth to ask for even a single new piece of clothing.
It wasn’t until Ji Ran went to school wearing a skirt and one of the mischievous boys in his class tugged at it while laughing at him for not having a penis that Ji Ran realized something.
Apparently, normal boys didn’t wear skirts.
When he returned home from school that day, Ji Ran told his parents that he didn’t want to wear skirts anymore.
“Skirts are so pretty. Our Ranran looks even prettier than a girl when he wears one.”
“Your father and mother work so hard to raise you and it isn’t easy for us. Ranran is such a good boy. You wouldn’t compare yourself with other people, would you?”
“Mm!”
The child, who understood nothing at all, nodded firmly.
Wearing a skirt earned him praise. Wearing a skirt made his family happy.
Little by little, such a simple idea took root in Ji Ran’s mind.
He stopped caring about how his classmates looked at him. Besides, he had no desire to play with those annoying, smelly boys anyway.
And so he continued wearing skirts throughout kindergarten.
It wasn’t until Ji Ran entered elementary school that, one day, a group of bad boys chased him out of the boys’ bathroom. They locked him inside the girls’ bathroom and laughed as they told him to go play with the girls.
Furious, Ji Ran got into a fight with the boys.
His elementary school teacher eventually came to his home and only then did his family finally stop making him wear skirts.
That was when Ji Ran learned that boys wearing skirts was considered abnormal.
He also learned that when his family had praised him for looking good in skirts, it wasn’t because they genuinely thought he looked beautiful.
They simply didn’t want to buy him new clothes.
They wanted to save money.
After that, Ji Ran never wore a skirt even once again. He even began to hate anything associated with skirts.
Until he started his internship at Feng Sheng.
Until the overwhelming workload pressed down on him so heavily that he could barely breathe.
Until that long buried desire to receive recognition began to rise within him once again…
“Julian.”
A low, deep voice suddenly fell over him.
Ji Ran was abruptly pulled out of his memories. He looked up and met Han Shen’s quiet, inscrutable eyes.
“Do I make you feel pressured?”
Ji Ran raised his head to look at Han Shen but he couldn’t make out the slightest hint of his emotions.
That suffocating feeling returned.
It was like being trapped in a stuffy room in the middle of summer with no air conditioning, his body damp and sticky, a fine, prickling itch spreading across his skin as though countless ants were crawling all over him.
Ji Ran was under tremendous pressure but he didn’t dare admit it.
He couldn’t afford to lose this job.
Besides, over all these years, he had already grown accustomed to silently swallowing every bit of pressure himself.
“No.”
Ji Ran shook his head but without realizing it, he bit down on his lip.
The boy’s pearly white teeth sank into the soft, full flesh of his lips, adding a subtle trace of sensuality to his otherwise pure and innocent face.
Han Shen’s gaze landed on the mark left by his teeth before quickly shifting away. His tone remained calm.
“Since you’re not, then don’t bite your lips in front of me.”
He had been biting his lip?
Ji Ran hurriedly released his teeth and his cheeks instantly flared red.
Biting his lips was a habit Ji Ran had developed when he transferred from the village elementary school to the school in town.
When Ji Ran was nine, the elementary school in his village was merged with the one in town, forcing him to go to school in the township.
The rural elementary school could not compare with the town school and Ji Ran had fallen far behind in his studies.
Yet, unfortunately, he was also exceptionally good looking.
The teachers liked calling on him to answer questions.
Whenever Ji Ran couldn’t answer, he would become so embarrassed beneath everyone’s gaze that his entire face flushed bright red.
Every time this happened, the boys in his class would erupt into waves of teasing and jeering.
At the time, Ji Ran didn’t understand what it meant but he instinctively felt uncomfortable.
He would look pleadingly toward the teacher, silently asking for help.
But the teacher seemed to enjoy the atmosphere and would actually continue asking him other questions.
Ji Ran still couldn’t answer them.
His nerves became so taut that he could only bite down hard on his lips.
The laughter from his classmates grew even louder.
Sacrificing one student to liven up the entire class was something the teacher was more than happy to encourage.
It almost became a kind of ritual within the classroom.
From then on, whenever a student started dozing off, or whenever one of the mischievous students refused to behave, the teacher would call Ji Ran to stand up, seemingly taking pleasure in watching the pretty boy blush with embarrassment in front of everyone.
Ji Ran had no way to resist.
He couldn’t even bring himself to say no.
All he could do was helplessly bite down on his lips.
Fortunately, this situation did not last for very long.
Within less than a month, Ji Ran was able to answer every question the teacher asked him fluently.
By the time the final examinations arrived, he was already capable of scoring full marks in every subject, including English, which he had only recently begun studying.
The teacher called on him less and less often and Ji Ran gradually stopped tormenting his vulnerable lips.
Then, during the Spring Festival that year, his parents returned home after working away from home.
His father tested him on what he had learned.
For a moment, Ji Ran became nervous and unconsciously bit down on his lip again.
“Smack, ”
The chopsticks came down mercilessly on the top of his head.
Ji Ran’s head rang with a loud “buzz,” and a searing pain immediately spread across his scalp.
The intense pain made his body tremble and he clenched his lower lip tightly between his teeth.
“What are you biting your mouth for? Acting like some sissy. You don’t look like a man at all.”
His father was furious. His face darkened as he scolded him.
“You’re not allowed to bite your mouth and you’re not allowed to cry. Do you hear me? You dare cry? I’ll hit you every time you shed a tear.”
Ji Ran desperately tried to hold back his tears but the tears seemed to have broken through a dam, spilling uncontrollably from his eyes.
He took a brutal beating that day but because of it, he finally corrected the bad habit of biting his lips whenever he became nervous.
That lesson had been far too deeply etched into him.
Ji Ran had not exhibited that bad habit in a very long time.
But perhaps he was simply too tense now. Without even realizing it, he had unconsciously repeated the same action.
“I’m sorry.”
Ji Ran lowered his head in panic, almost desperately assuring him, “I won’t do it again.”
“I wasn’t criticizing you.”
At some point, Han Shen had already walked over. He now stood directly in front of Ji Ran as he spoke.
“Julian, you don’t need to apologize to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
Ji Ran lowered his head even further.
He was sinking into an endless cycle of self blame.
Ji Ran had always thought that he was already good enough, that he had come far enough yet now, in the blink of an eye, it was as though he had returned to the past. No matter how hard he worked, he still couldn’t escape that tiny rural village…
Something seemed to be wrapped tightly around his body, holding him firmly in place, leaving him unable to move or even breathe.
“Julian, relax.”
A deep, unhurried voice sounded above him. As Ji Ran moved, his chin brushed against something warm and slightly rough.
Ji Ran lifted his head in confusion.
He saw that the man had reached out and gently held his chin. Han Shen’s thumb brushed softly yet firmly over his lips, as though carrying with it an infinite amount of patience and tolerance.
“You’ve bitten your lips until they’re bleeding.”
✦ ✧ ✦
Cressilia
[Translator]
☕ A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE TRANSLATOR
No pressure. Just a tiny coffee-shaped bribe. ☕
☕ BUY THEM A COFFEE →
✧ (づ｡•ㅅ•｡)づ ☕ ✧
✦ thank you for reading ✦
← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · A cold-hearted bossChapter 2 · “Your skirt?”Chapter 3 · Ji Ran was caught off guardChapter 4 · Relax, you bit your lip until it bledChapter 5 · Don’t want toChapter 6 · Women’s clothing and DaddyChapter 7 · Ji Ran hunched over and began to sob softly.Chapter 8 · Rebellion, offense, and self-rewardChapter 9 · I hate it when people flaunt their wealth in front of meChapter 10 · CompensateChapter 11 · Why are you following me?Chapter 12 · Damn, he forgot to take off his leg chainChapter 13 · Ji Ran was indeed still afraid of him.Chapter 14 · A message came from OrcaChapter 15 · Self-blame, anger, and tears.Chapter 16 · You have to pay more!Chapter 17 · Did you come here just to yell at me?Chapter 18 · Just bear with it a little longerChapter 19 · Women’s clothing live streamChapter 20 · Could you come and pick me up?Chapter 21 Part 1 · It’s all an actChapter 21 Part 2 · It’s all an actChapter 22 · The actions could be even more brutalChapter 23 · A slapChapter 24 · He wanted to surrender a part of himself