TW:
Spoiler
Transphobia, suicide discussion.
[collapse]
“You’re sure they won’t know? The school? The doctor’s office?” Caitlin’s nearly worn a hole in the carpet she’s walked back and forth so much holding the little vial.
“Yeah, no. If anyone is paying attention—”
“D’you really think they’re paying attention to Addy?”
“Yeah? No? I don’t know. Now she’s told us it’s obvious — at least I can’t stop seeing it — that she’s not very good at being a boy.” I pause, stretching out some kinks and thinking. “Didn’t she get that feminine behavior flag on her last report card, too? So actually, yeah, they probably are.” I sigh.
“Damnit.”
“Yeah… Hopefully they’ll continue blaming the ‘improper home situation’ for that. Probably require her to ‘volunteer’ to help with that asshat baseball coach.” I watch Caitlin as she worries at the top of the vial, if it had a label she’d probably have peeled and shredded it by now. “Point is, even if they are watching her, it’ll just look like delayed puberty. And like she’s got really low testosterone, if they test. If they do that we’ll need to give Addy a testosterone blocker instead because they’ll be hyper suspicious if we don’t jump at the chance to boost our kids testosterone. Make her all big and manly.” I shudder involuntarily at the thought. Shit. More out of hours work to hide — I need to work out how to produce bicalutamide.
She stops mid-step and turns to face me. “Wait, I thought this was a blocker?”
“It sorta is and sorta isn’t. It blocks testosterone production — stops there being any testosterone.”
“Huh, clever.” She tips the vial back and forth, entranced, watching the liquid inside flow. “God I wish I’d paid attention in bio.” She pauses, taps her fingers on the drawers. “Oh. Oh. So if they give her testosterone then it would still work. It doesn’t stop it working.”
“Yup. So then she’d need a real blocker — which we can do. But that shit’s nicer to be on than any of the blockers.”
She nods slowly. “I wish we could just take her to a doctor. You could do that, y’know. Like a decade ago you could just walk into a doctor and go ‘Hey, I think I might be trans,’ and get help. At least, in some places. Better places.”
“Yep.” I say, trying to quiet my heart pounding in my chest, desperately willing her to change topic. Can she hear it? Surely she can hear it. It’s filling the whole of my head. And if not, she can see it.
She snaps around to face me again, new worries creasing her forehead. I try not to jump. “Shit. You made this in the lab? There’s nothing to trace it back to you? Or to us? You didn’t order it from one of those sketch online pharmacies?”
“Yeah, no. I made it: I ordered in the reagents with our regular order. We had a bunch of the stuff we needed anyway, and Brandon doesn’t give a shit if I add a couple of things. I checked everything for purity. A bit of biochemical magic,” I flutter my fingers, attempting to relieve her tension a little. “And ta-da, leuprolide acetate.
“Ran it through the mass spec to check it, but yeah, nothing traceable. And there’s no cameras in our lab — for obvious reasons — and nothing exotic on the order books. It’ll take them years to even notice we’re a bit short on those chemicals — by then it could just be little bits dropped here and there.”
“She’ll be safe taking this?”
“As long as she doesn’t tell anyone, yeah. I mean, she — or Ash — tells anyone about any of this? They let slip that she’s Addy at home? That she’s getting meds? Word gets out about that at all and they’ll lock us both up.” I rub my eyes, watch the shapes for a moment. “Uncontestable felony isn’t it now? Preventing the natural development of a child. Judge just reads over the evidence against you and sets the punishment. It’s always the same though. Might as well just take you straight to the facility, honestly. But they like it to still look like justice, I guess.” I drag myself to a stop. At least verbally.
I can’t stop myself enumerating the risks inside my head though. Ash thrown into some government re-education camp. Caitlin and me in jail — briefly. Caitlin might get out if she lies well enough, blames me, goes full on trad wife. ‘I was led astray by the intersex weirdo. We all know how they are.’ But she won’t, will she. She won’t fucking let me take the blame even though I could. So, no. It’ll be both of us. Both of us out there paraded as perverts on prime time TV. And then? I can almost feel the burning of the lethal cocktail running into my veins. Once we’re got rid of and Addy’s a ward of the state, conversion therapy for her, paraded about like some alpha wolf, until the dysphoria breaks through, overwhelms her and—
Bile rising up.
Shove it all down, Erika. Shut up and find a microgram of calm from somewhere, anywhere. Caitlin needs you. Addy needs you. Ash needs you.
I swallow a few times to steady my voice. Exhume a reassuring smile from somewhere. “She’ll be tired though — at least compared to her friends. If we’re here too long someone’s gonna get suspicious. Or they’ll drag her in for another ‘developmental check’.” The air quotes around that are the size of fucking Alaska.
“Yeah, no. That. I get that. I mean. Like. When they banned all this stuff — they had these studies they pulled out. Said these medications were bad. Caused cancer and heart problems and brain development stuff and I know it’s probably bullshit… No,” She continues before I can say anything, “No, I know it’s bullshit, but I just need — I need someone I trust… I need you to tell me she’ll be safe. I know you’d never deliberately hurt Addy. I know you’d never let Addy be hurt.”
I’m thankful for the balled up pillow in my lap. It gives me somewhere to push my fist into along with the lie that I desperately want to reveal.
God fucking damn you past-Erika. Somehow you always manage to fuck things up. But you tell the truth now? Then what? Then fucking what, Erika? My mind flips to the laptop sat on the bureau. The viral code encrypted and locked away. How do you plan on fucking making that work here, Erika? Addy just magically became a girl? Probably along with half the boys in the school?
Fuck.
Steady breaths. “This is safe. These drugs are safe. They’ll buy us some time,” I say, as much for Caitlin as for me. “She’s safer with them than without them. Because without them…” I trail off, dysphoric memories vying for first place in my consciousness.
“Without them?” Caitlin tilts her head sideways, both her concern and curiosity clearly apparent.
“Shit. Sorry. Without them I’m scared for how she’ll feel. What she might do. Especially given…” I wave my hand around attempting to encompass everything. “I know—” Stop, Erika. Think this sentence through before you say something you can’t undo. Breathe. Try again. “I knew trans kids — back before. Before all this stupidity. When w—they could talk about it. And puberty can be bad. Real bad, Caitlin. I don’t think I can really explain.”
“Fuck. I’m so scared for her, Erika.” She stands the vial on the bureau, next to my laptop. The only-just opaque contents casting a tiny shadow across the laptop’s corner. Freed from its thrall, Caitlin returns to pacing, hands wrapping around each other. Fingers intermittently intertwining. Her eyes alternately on the vial, or staring at the TV. I stand to reach for her just as she stops, eyes unfocussed again. “I read something once. Some study or other. You know, before they scrubbed all this stuff off the net. It stuck with me though. Scared me. Prayed our kiddos would never have to go through it.
“Erika… It said that seventy percent of unsupported trans kids attempted suicide— I’m not— I can’t— Addy— She’s—What if— She’s just…” Tears rolling down her face as I wrap my arms around her, pull her in.
“Shhhh. It’s okay. We can make this okay. Addy knows we love her and we’ll keep her safe. We’ll move. We’ll just sell up and go. As soon as we can.”
Her fists bump gently against my chest. “Fuck, why’d I sign that contract?” She opens up space between us again, a gulf filled with anger at herself.
“Because we didn’t know then? Eighteen months ago it wasn’t obvious — well, maybe in retrospect, but you always see the sign looking back. At the time we both said let’s just see where it goes. But she wasn’t ready then. Not sure she knew then. And, you took it ’cos we need money to live on… To keep us in the luxurious lifestyle we’ve become accustomed to. Plus the kiddos eat more than the GDP of a small nation.” She almost laughs. “Also turns out my awesome job ripping off other people’s ideas doesn’t quite cover four people’s living costs?”
Caitlin’s laugh is short and bitter. “Yeah, neither of us is exactly bringing home six figures.”
“I’m sorry,” I sigh. “I could be? Maybe I shoulda tried for one of the bigger biotechs, but nearly all of them are owned by Neuragene now and you know how—” I close my eyes for a second, hide in the darkness inside and pretend invisibility. “I just can’t work for them.” I’m startled as she wraps her arms around me. Her heat radiating against my chest.
“It’s okay, honey.” She pauses, thoughtful. Suddenly making a decision she meets my gaze and I lose myself in her ocean gray eyes again. “Look, I know you know something terrible that they did.” I start slightly; even after years apparently I can’t mask the fear. “Oh sweetheart, it’s been obvious for a while there’s something gnarly about them. No CEO’s that cozy with the president; no company gets that many contracts; not without something shady going on. ’Til I met you I always assumed it was just pay for play, but it’s obviously more. And whenever you see even the faintest mention of them — or what’s his name? Roe?”
“Rue. Oaklen Rue.” I supply.
She laughs again, gently this time. “You can’t even say his name without sounding like you’re gonna commit a homicide. Yeah. Him. Anyhow, anything with him or them you all but flinch and run. Or try to punch something. And I helped you update your resume so I know you didn’t work there, but it’s got to be something personal or terrible to hate them that much.”
“Yeah. It is.” I swear an eon passes. “I’m sorry I can’t talk about it.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to.”
“I want to, though. I want to tell you everything. I want you to be able to trust me.”
“I do.” She says.
I resist the urge to say, ‘You shouldn’t.’
She stepped back a little, but her hand’s still on mine. I wrap my other hand around them both. Squeeze gently. I sit on the bed again, take comfort from her touch and her quiet breaths.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make that about me. We’re here for a bit, but we can — we can hit pause on Addy’s development. I know it’s not as good as giving her what she needs, and I wish we could just skip to HRT. But at least it gives us time to get a plan together. Save up enough to cross into Washington. Or, I guess one of the other sequestered states. But Washington we can say we’re crossing the border to see Mary-Anne. They’re still letting folks in there. I checked. As long as they have a travel permit.
“Itero works with some corporations up there, so I bet I can get Brandon to sign something saying I need to go inspect some shit or other. He won’t give a damn so long as I don’t wake him to do it, and so long as I go unpaid.” I smile a thin smile. “It’s what three? Four months? They probably won’t even have time to notice at school.”
“It’s nearly six, Erika.” Caitlin whispers. She’s blinking back tears again. Untangling our hands I wrap her in an embrace. Pull her close.
“Fine. Six. We’ll make it work.”
“What if they find out?” She whispers. “I want Addy to be herself, but if a neighbor sees her through the window wearing a skirt, or one of Ash’s dresses…”
“She’s got away with it so far. Her and Ash are thick as thieves. They’ll probably just think it’s Ash anyway.” I smile gently. “Did she tell you how long ago she started trying stuff out?”
“No, but honestly? I don’t think they ever stopped from when her and Ash would play dress up when she was like, six.” She laughs. “Godddddd, I got in so much trouble at that elementary school sport gender check. Kiddos thought it was hilarious. Fuck my life for having twins. That was before the schools got this bad.” She exhales slowly, pulls back, wraps her fingers between mine. Stares at our hands some more. “They’re gonna have to be so careful, Erika. It’s not fair.”
“No,” I sigh again. “It’s really not. But we’ll get them somewhere safe, as soon as we can.”
“Promise?”
“I will do everything I can.” I draw a cross across my heart. “I can pinky swear too, if it’ll help.”
“You’ll leave your favorite diner for her?”
I nod, solemnly.
“You realize you might have to leave Xayah behind.”
I can feel Caitlin coming back from the abyss she’s been dancing along the edge of for the past week. Theatrically I look outraged for a moment. Swoon slightly. “Oh no, the horror! How will I cope without a twenty year old Corolla? The love of my automotive life?”
“You’ve always seemed quite attached.” A smile creeps in at the edge of her lips.
“She did save my life. Well, Mary-Anne did. But so did Xayah. More importantly, she got me to you. But in all honesty, there’s not that much of her left anyway. She’s mostly rust and body filler.”
“Hey, did you tell Addy we have the med yet?”
“Nope. I thought I’d let you do it. She’ll be so hyped for it.”
“Oh fuck, really? She’s your—”
“Don’t you dare Erika Morgen. Just because they won’t let you put your name on a stupid bit of paper. She’s your daughter too.
“I want to be there too, obviously. But we can tell her when they get back from their sleepovers tomorrow.” Something seems to slot into place for her at this. Her tension disappears and she flops backwards onto the mattress. “Thank you. I don’t think I can thank you enough. I don’t know what we’d have done if you weren’t here. Like, tried to make for one of the sequestered states sure, but what excuse could we have for going there? I’ve got no family there. And Addy? She’d be stuck going through puberty and— Anyway. This way we have a plan, we have treatment. Erika, I want you to know how much this means to me, to all of us.”
“I wish I could do more.” I whisper.
“There’s not really any more you could do.”
There is, Caitlin. So fucking much more.
She scoots back on the bed. “Well, since I don’t think there’s anything more we can do tonight…shall we see what bullshit is on the news?”
“Really? You want to play which lie is it?” I slump back and flop my arms over my face.
“C’mon… Last week they blamed crop failures on Chinese spy satellites. It was hilarious.”
“Fiiiiiine.”
“No peeking.” She says, flipping through the muted channels to find state news, and turning on closed captions.
“Huh, who’s that FDA asshole Miller appointed?” Caitlin’s eyes unfocus and she scrunches her forehead while she’s trying to recall. It’s one of those faces she makes where I melt all over again. “Oh, Chambers?”
“Oh yeah, Dr Mark Chambers,” I say. “Well, you’ve already given away it’s an FDA thing…”
“Uh hu.”
“Okay — what’s it about.”
“Oh, you can guess that. I’ll give you a hint. It’s October…”
“Hrm… The WHO said it was going to be a shit flu season this year, a strain we haven’t seen for a few years. But the CDC said everything was fine… Lemmie guess — it’s not fine. Oh, is he explaining how they’re going to — I dunno — put air-fresheners everywhere to combat the miasma?”
“Near enough,” she giggles. “House plants. They’ve got some memory-water drops you can buy, too.” She stops giggling. “Ah crap. I hate to tell you this, they’re banning masks because they stop people being able to smell if the air’s bad. Oh, and flu vaccines are limited to high-risk individuals, so you’re gonna have to see if you can get some testing samples at the lab again.”
“Maybe we should play a different game.” I say reaching round and pulling her down on top of me. “A more adult one. Since the kids are out.”
“What did you have in mind? Perhaps we could go to the casino? Maybe a play a little Blackjack.”
“No, I was thinking of something with less travel and fewer clothes.” I grin. “Something to burn off some of that anxious energy.” I add, sitting up to pull my shirt off.
“Mmm, I could be convinced.” Caitlin smiles wolfishly as she straddles my lap and pushes me backwards. “Now, Erika, let’s see what you’ve got hiding in those jeans.”
#
:::EM: You know you always wanted us to come visit?
:::EM: All of us, as a family?
:::MA: Are you serious? You’re gonna come?
:::EM: If you don’t mind all of us coming?
:::MA: Mind?! Are you crazy?
:::MA: I’m so… hyped.
:::EM: It should be in about six months? I need to arrange some time off work.
:::EM: But Caitlin’s contract’s done then.
:::MA: You’ll get to meet Sam!
:::MA: Oh goodness! I’m so excited. She’s wanted to meet you forever.
:::MA: Wait? Can you get a permit?
:::MA: They are being really strict now.
:::EM: I hope so.
:::MA: 🤞
#
“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So you should, y’know, come down here and eat some.” I shout optimistically over the argument that’s been raging for several minutes somewhere upstairs.
“Sweetheart, you know that coffee is the most important meal of the day,” Caitlin whispers in my ear.
“Yeah, and it’s in your mug already, but you should also eat y’know, food.” I whisper back. The shouting’s escalated to one of them banging on the bathroom door. “Medium-sized humans, breakfast is now!” I roll my eyes at Caitlin. “You’re on the school bus today, your moms are far too important and busy to be your personal chauffeurs, so get your asses down here and eat!” I add, much louder.
The smile still hasn't left Addy’s face since we explained the plan, and the two of them are now even more inseparable. Freed from the constraints of hiding it from Caitlin and I, Ash spent the entirety of Sunday using Addy to play dress up with. We were also treated to several impromptu fashion shows with Addy’s pleading requests for some of her own clothes as soon as we move. Maybe even before, since Ash promised to annex a little section of her closet to hold Addy’s stuff.
Not for the first time I’m grateful for the reasonably large lot our place is on, and the privacy afforded by Caitlin’s love of large but well trimmed bushes.
Unfortunately, the residue of a weekend away from the world glances traumatically off the time and place where we exist.
“Addy, sweetheart. I'm so sorry, but the pink nail polish needs to go before school.” Caitlin’s voice cracks as she says it. “It is super pretty though.”
“Oh I know Mom C,” Ash says, a little crestfallen. “Ash said she'll help me take it off after breakfast. But she already told her friends she was planning to use me for practice so I've got an excuse if anyone notices at all.”
I shove my concerns deep into a pit and try to set light to them. “Okay, that’s good thinking Ash… Addy, honey, I—” I glance over at Caitlin who gives an almost imperceptible nod, “We want you to be able to do this stuff because you should be able to enjoy it but remember there are teachers and kids at that school who want to get a reward for turning in… people.” For evil people like us, corrupting youth or destroying the nuclear family or being insufficiently fascist or whatever shit they’ve come up with this week. Ever since they stripped away gay marriage, Caitlin and I have been regarded with increasing coolness at the school: cohabiters with socially undesirable benefits. “Please be super careful when you're not at home.”
Both Ash and Addy nod gravely.
“I know it feels like forever, but it’s just five months, two weeks and three days ‘til we leave. Not that anyone here is counting.” I smile.
#
:::MA: You know they nearly didn’t give me the flu vax this year?
:::MA: My primary had to write a special prescription for it.
:::MA: So pleased he did. Anna and Kelsey both got flu.
:::MA: They’ve been in Georgia and couldn’t get the spray 🙄
:::MA: They were down for a couple of weeks with it
:::MA: And then Anna got shingles after — even though she managed to get the shingles shot before the FDA pulled all those vax.
:::ES: Oh no! Is she doing okay.
:::ES: I hear shingles can be super painful.
:::MA: Geez, she was so salty about it.
:::MA: Fair though.
:::MA: But yeah, she’s doing okay.
:::MA: Then Kelsey was sick for a few weeks, but she’s back up and about now.
:::MA: Says she’s feeling better.
:::MA: They just holed up in their RV ‘til it was all done.
:::MA: Anna said Kelsey made sure they got to their next stop before she dropped.
:::EM: So glad you got the spray. They’re like liquid gold here.
:::EM: I managed to get some for the fam though
:::EM: ‘research’ for work
:::MA: Oh 🎉 Caitlin and the kids all vaxed then?
:::EM: Yeah. Although it’s not a great match for the flu this year so 🤷♀️🤞
:::MA: You’ll be pissed at me if you find out from Sam so…
:::MA: I did get flu but it wasn’t too bad.
:::MA: But I’ve got this stupid rash that’s come up.
:::MA: My primary thinks it’s shingles. Gave me some anti-virus meds.
:::MA: But I’m okay. It’s not sore, thankfully.
:::EM: I’m glad you’re doing okay.
:::EM: You need anything that I can get set up for you?
:::MA: No, no. I’m good. Sam got some food delivery set up so I’m fine.
:::MA: Still looking forward to you visiting
:::MA: I’ll have all my family in once place then.
#
“—and then we grabbed the diamonds.”
“You’re leaving the best bit out, Ash.” Addy interrupts Ash’s interjection by grabbing a handful of fries. The fries pause en route to her mouth while she shushes her compatriot some more, “You missed out how gloss I was disabling the alarm! I got past the sensors and then I hacked in and turned off the alarms just for us!”
I can almost hear Ash’s eye-roll. “Yeaaah, but then I did the rappelling to get us down.”
I watch for a while as the two of them joust over what was the highlight of the heist. They’re trying to out do each other, same as always, and all the while snagging fries, munching on burgers and swigging their drinks. They’re both pros at invention and exaggeration. Thankful for the respite after an intense day, I’m able to sip on a glass of wine, paying just enough attention for my likely moment in the spotlight. I’m glad it’s one of these evenings though and not one of the ones where we’re called into school for some stupid made up infraction. It looks like so far, school’s not noticed anything, despite the way that Addy is increasingly Addy regardless of her attempts to pretend to be him outside the house.
“You did a great job as our lookout and a getaway driver, too.” Ash’s grinning at me, waiting for me to explain what happened outside the bank while they were conducting the heist inside. It’s always nice to have my contribution recognized.
“Well, doing the job in as quickly as you did definitely made it—”
“Hey sweetheart! You got the terrors with you or are they still running wild?” I can hear the smile in Caitlin’s voice as it echoes in the hall. The front door thunks shut behind her. A little relief washes bubbles through me knowing she’s made it through another day on the job assumedly without injuries. It’s not like construction was safe before but even with her experience, Caitlin’s started to be hesitant.
“We’re not terrors!” They chant-in-unison before Caitlin’s finished her part.
“Hey love. C’mere. They want to know why you weren’t at the meeting point.”
“The meeting point?” She says, with just the slightest rising inflection. Her eyes crinkle slightly in amusement.
“Yeah, after the heist.” Addy hops up to grab herself a fresh can of soda.
“How many of those have you had today?” I ask, warily.
“None yet!”
“None?”
“Yeah, the other one was a Coke. This one’s a Sprite. So: None.”
My sigh is probably audible from space.
She plops down at the table and hungrily eyes the last few remaining fries, Ash’s hands already filled with her previous handful. I had been considering pilfering a few myself, but whatever. I swear that they could eat an entire potato farm, fried, and still be hungry.
“Anyway,” Caitlin hesitates, grinning, “The problem was… You remember Big John? The guy we double crossed a few months ago?” Overly forceful nods in the affirmative almost cause me to snort my wine out my nose. “Well, he was waiting between the—” Caitlin turns optimistically toward me for a quick assist.
“Bank?” I offer.
“Yeah. Between the bank and the abandoned warehouse we were meant to meet at. I managed to make it back to my motorcycle, but even with that it took me a while to shake him.” She mimes shimmying the bike between busy traffic. “Pretty sure he didn’t manage to track me back here though.” She grins broadly, before she reaches into the fridge. She pulls out a beer — twists the cap off and tosses it across the expanse of kitchen between her and the trash can, over all our heads. “Scoooore!” she shouts, gleefully. “Right. I need to run through the shower. It was hot out there today. You got this for a few, honey?” She vaguely gestures at the scene in front of her.
“’Course. Go shower.”
“Sláinte!” She clinks her bottle against my glass before walking back out the door.
“Well team, we best get this place cleaned up. We wouldn’t want to leave any fingerprints for them to trace us with!”
While I sort out disposing of the food remnants, I half-listen to the ongoing commentary as the dishes disappear into the dishwasher, the surfaces are cleared and wiped down, and eventually they disappear through to the living room.
My phone chirps again.
It’s done it a bunch tonight. I’ve been keeping a running tally in my head, or at least, I was. Once is pretty common. Twice’d be more unusual, but it’s usually carelessness from someone who’s got the wrong number. When I lost count somewhere after double-digits I started to get concerned. I probably should check it, but I really, really don’t want to.
Everyone I might want to hear from has their own message alert. Even people I don’t. So I know it’s not work, and it’s not any of mine and Caitlin’s few local friends. Mary-Anne’s got her own special alert too, so I know it’s not her.
But still, I think as it chimes again, that’s a lot of messages. That I probably don’t want to see.
I mean, really, it’s probably some bullshit scam. That’s what it was the last time this happened. Some asshole sold my number and I had to spend months blocking stupid messages about Amygdalin and some Miracle Mineral Solution.
16:58
:::Neuragene_Employee_Alerts: This is an automated message: Containment breach. Report to facility immediately.
I very carefully and slowly place the phone on the kitchen counter, resisting the urge to instead drop the phone in the blender. Closing my eyes, I rest my fingers against my eyelids, thumbs either side of my forehead, pressing slowly until I see the sparkles of stars through the darkness. Stopping because I’m having an urge to keep pushing.
This is bad. Real fucking bad.
One, he should not still be recorded as working for Neuragene. That he is, is weird. Two, what the fuck breached containment badly enough for them to summon everyone to the lab.
Unless?
Unless — fuck.
Unless it’s only the people involved.
I flip on the news, watch the scrolling chyron. The NFL final’s the Seahawks against the Lions, apparently. I mentally steel myself for Caitlin’s excitement when she sees that. The White House ballroom’s almost finished with President Miller promising it’ll be done by the end of the year. Another journalist’s arrested for spreading misinformation. Nothing concerning on there yet.
I grab my phone, scroll socials. Nothing’s showing up there, either — except? Something funny from one friend talking about a state press conference. Not one that’s online anywhere though. And nothing that sounds like enough.
Despite that. Despite the reassurance, I find my hands unconsciously reaching for the keyring. Picking up the keys with peaks and valleys worn smooth through use. They’re old enough you have to jiggle the back door lock to make it work. Now I’m digging the cold steel of the keys at first gently, then harder, then harder into my palm. Fingers absentmindedly rubbing across the teeth.
Running’s an old urge, one that I should have excised with the rest of my past. But it’s still there. The one that says, I should just go. Take my shit away from them all.
The sound of water shutting off interrupts me. Caitlin’s finished her shower, she’ll be downstairs soon; damp and smiling and wrapped in a towel. She’ll be right there, her hair dripping on me, laughing while she tells me the stupidest thing one of the men on site did today and laughing more at me whining about getting wet.
Her being downstairs means I can be wrapped in her arms.
Her arms mean safety.
But I need to know how bad this is before she comes down.
I need to know if I can stay here or if — I feel dizzy for a second at even really contemplating the thought — I need to get away to keep everyone else safe.
My heartbeat’s pounding in my ears as I pick the phone back up.
I really thought they’d moved on. It’s been so long.
17:12
:::XL: hmsvs been detected in the wild
:::XL: you have to come back
:::XL: call ramond. hell get you here
:::XL: we all know youre still alive
:::XL: oaklen said someones paying your bills so youre alive
:::XL: he said he knows where you are
17:19
:::XL: stop screwing around tav
:::XL: this was your project
:::XL: itss urgent and they’re pissed.
:::XL: you put the neuragene code in it you fuck
:::XL: call ramond
:::XL: asshole
17:30
:::Neuragene_Employee_Alerts: This is an automated message. Your contract stipulates immediate return to facility within 30 minutes of notification. Contact your supervisor immediately if you are unable to return.
17:50
:::XL: tav you fuck, i know you had some shit going on when you left
:::XL: ramonds not even pissed about you destroying the research
:::XL: oaklen is tho
:::XL: he didnt tell anyone you fucked it when you left
:::XL: told everyone now tho
:::XL: cAll me tav
:::XL: fucking come in
18:01
:::Neuragene_Employee_Alerts: This is an automated message. You are in breach of your contract conditions. Penalties will be applied.
18:06
:::XL: look tavish we both know that oaklens not going to just let this slide
:::XL: you let your virus out with neuragene markers in it
:::XL: they know youre in Cuernavaca
For the first time in what I feel like is forever, I breathe.
Dr Tavish Shah does, indeed, have a unit rented in Cuernavaca.
Cheap.
Small.
Sublet to someone else.
Although now I’m worried for them. I fire off a quick encrypted message warning them.
18:19
:::XL: i shouldn’t tell you this but you werent a complete asshole
:::XL: your house is surrounded by a team its better if you give yourself up
:::XL: youre not going to be able to run
18:34
:::XL: i tried to help
18:42
:::XL: theyre really pissed youre so fucked
18:51
:::XL: hes been in here screamingat everyone
:::XL: he thinks someone knwos something
:::XL: put me in charge of your shitty lab
:::XL: trying to work out what the fuck you did
:::XL: did i say fuck you tav because FUCK YOU TAV
“Erika?” I hear the anxiety in her voice before I see it on her face. Looking at her, something tells me this isn’t the first time she’s called my name. “What’s going on? You look like... I dunno what you look like. It’s not good though.” She laughs nervously, reaching a hand out to mine. Trying to bridge the vast ocean that’s opened up between me and the world.
It slowly dawns on me that Caitlin’s standing, dripping slightly, a few paces in from the entrance to the kitchen. I’m not quite sure how long I’ve been standing here, but she’s standing in the small puddle where the water’s pooled after dripping off her hair. When I check, the screen on my phone’s off. So, I guess, that long at least.
When I finally find it, my voice sounds like it’s coming from a million miles away, “Uh. I—”
“Moms, can we have pizza tomorrow?” The interruption is startling. I turn to see Ash almost sideways, hanging round the living room doorframe, looking optimistic. I pull myself back from wherever I’ve been lest she see the tentacles threatening to twine around me. “Addy got to choose last week and I’ve got softball tomorrow so she’ll try and—”
“No I won’t! It’s your turn to pick. Moms would tell me that, even if I tried.” The shout comes from the living room where the sound of whatever game she was playing have been paused. Presumably to allow the concentration required for more effective shouting at her sister.
“Yeah but you—”
I mostly tune out the everlasting argument for a moment of unspoken communication with Caitlin. “Sure, we’ll get pizza tomorrow sweetie.” Caitlin says after finding the right beat to interrupt. “You want your usual?”
“Yeah… Hey, are you okay E?” Ash’s face scrunches with concern hastily scrawled across what had been a smile. It seems she’s noticed the growing puddle behind Caitlin. And perhaps also she’s realized that she’s not ‘ewww’ing at Caitlin and I snuggling together, or me whining about Caitlin dripping on me, or any of our other truly abominable PDAs.
“Yeah sweetie. I just had a little bit of bad news from — from an old — old, uh, colleague. I just found out like this second. I need to talk to Caitlin about it, is all.”
Ash attempts to pierce me with her gaze for a few seconds before slowly swinging back round the doorframe and out of sight. “Okaaaay,” she dubiously allows, before restarting the never-ending argument with her sister about which game they should play next.
After a few steadying breaths, I reply to Caitlin’s questioning look with a quick wave of my hand. I flip back to the news. Still nothing — nothing that would suggest the degree of panic that Xavier’s barrage of messages would explain.
Grabbing my phone I start scrolling and there it is. Oh shit, there it is.