“Wake up!” The urgency of the voice slices through the fuzzy borders of sleep.
“Caitlin?” I look around at the narrow empty cot next to mine. “Caitlin?” My brain slowly spins up and I realize she’s still with Addy. Presumably.
“It’s Alex.” His(?) muffled voice comes through the door. “Caitlin’s still with Addy.”
Okay, good.
“Get up, you’re needed.”
Okay, not good. “What? What’s going on?”
“I think it’s better if Bianca explains. Just get dressed and come. Soon as you can, okay? It’s urgent.”
“Sure,” I say, staggering upright, scooping my clothes off the floor and dragging them back on.
Still waking up, blinking against the light in the RV, I stagger through the door and into the inky darkness outside and promptly find a rock with my toe. Down near the ground’s pitch black. I glance up to swear but the sky, though? I take a breath as I properly take in the view. The milky way’s glow is stunning, and even if I can’t tell which of the things sparkling across the night sky are stars, and which are satellites, it's still beautiful. Something to cling to.
When it all goes to shit, that sky will still be there.
“Come on, Erika,” says Alex. “Did you not hear the ‘urgent’ part?”
“Sorry.” Stumbling on small rocks invisible in the murk, we make our way toward the glow from the medical RV. It’s kind of irritating how much Alex is not tripping over, but I guess he didn’t blind himself with a bright light before stepping outside. It’s also obnoxious how awake he is. As we get nearer, I can hear the muffled sounds of what sounds like Marcie and Bianca arguing.
The only thing I really catch is Bianca’s, “…n’t care, make it happen, and fast.” A statement she makes with finality.
Marcie stalks out of the RV, slamming the door behind her. “Oh, you’re here,” she says, her flashlight blinding me. “Well,” her tone mellows, “you should get inside.”
The mild anxiety that’s been floating around me centers itself and drops into place. “What’s going on?”
“Bianca’ll explain. You can tell her I’m doing my best but it'll take a bit to get it sorted. I can't just magic up an ambulance.”
“What? Why do we need an ambulance?! What’s going on with Addy? Someone just tell me?”
Marcie grabs my arm, and almost throws me into the RV. “Bianca, the chaos goblin's here,” she mutters.
“Erika — Addy’s…” Caitlin starts and stops, tears running down her face. “She’s…”
“She’s not doing so great right now,” Bianca says quietly. “Hey, Alex? Can you check the rate on the velapressin? It looks like her pressure’s responding and I’d like to wean her back down if we can.”
Bianca turns back to us and nods toward the chairs set up beside Addy’s gurney.
“Okay, Caitlin, I know we kinda went over this while I was getting things set up, but now we’re in a slightly better spot, knock on wood, I can explain more of what’s happening.
“Now, Caitlin knows this already but — Alex came to get me about an hour ago because Addy’s stopped responding to the kinds of simple stuff we can do here. Fluids, Trendelenburg — that’s basically sticking people’s feet up in the air — oxygen, that’s really our speed. Some painkillers, maybe a little bit of electrolyte adjustment. But we’ve done the stuff we usually do.
“Thing is, this virus? It puts a ton of demands on a body. Sucks energy up like a tail — as I’m sure you know, Erika,” she says, pointedly. “And Addy’s just not got the reserves for it. We’re giving her the TPN you brought, and the fluids, and trying to keep her fever down some, but it’s just not enough.” She gnaws on the end of her pen for a moment. “When your body’s working that hard this long it starts generating acids. And Addy’s not managing to clear that — she’s got what we call a compensated metabolic acidosis. Which really basically means, her body’s trying a different way to make energy, and in the process it’s making acid. At the moment, she’s managing to clear that acid by using a trick with her breathing — that’s the compensated bit. I can explain that more if you want, but the important point is you can’t get away with it forever. She'll get more tired, stop being able to compensate and then things get real bad, real quick.
“Either of you know what velapressin is?” she asks.
“Uh, blood pressure related, I’d guess, from the name?” I say. “I don’t know it specifically though.”
“Gold star to that girl. It’s one of the fancier new blood pressure increasing meds, basically makes all the blood vessels squeeze — and that’s what we’re giving Addy — and for the moment it's working. It’s really an ICU drug — we have a little bit for emergencies, like this one, just enough to get folks somewhere else. If we had it I’d love to use some motatensin — but that’s the thing, we don’t have that stuff and she needs it.”
I realize I’m gripping the chair hard enough the cheap plastic is cutting into my fingers. I release my hands and stretch them out, waiting for the feeling to return.
“So, you and Caitlin have two choices right now. In a few minutes Marcie, for all her bitching, is going to get back having organized an ambulance — zip it,” she says, looking at my opening mouth. “Wait ’til I’m done. We have a rig we use, you can trust the folks in it. If I had my druthers we'd just run you to Kane Regional. I know a nurse there and she's helped us out before. But the cops are still looking pretty intensely around here since you apparently had a tête-à-tête with a sheriff not that far away, and your burned out truck… well, anyhow.
“Long story short, Addy's going to Mountain Lake Hospital. It's a few hours away. On the edge of Henderson. One of y’all can go with her, but one of you’ll have to stay with Ash. We can't get all three of you in the rig.”
“I'm gonna be blunt. It's probably safer if you go, Caitlin. They don't often stop ambulances but sometimes they get a hard-on for fucking with the medics and they pull them over for checks. Addy’ll be going lights and sirens, but especially with the cops being hot for finding Erika they might still try their luck with it coming from out here.
“You're splitting us up,” Caitlin says nervously. “I didn't understand that — when you said, earlier, I thought we were all going. You really can't look after Addy here?”
“Honey, I wish I could, but she's already got my one and only cardiac monitor. That thing's older’n dirt and about as effective. She's on the fanciest drug I got. We're tapped out on resources. She needs a real lab and better drugs and, I hate to admit this, she could do worse’n having an intensivist. You want to keep your baby girl alive, she needs to go to a hospital.”
“And you really can't get us all in the ambulance?”
“No.” Marcie steps through the door. “Also, cops are looking for two women and two kids. Splitting you up makes you less obvious if they do pull over either the ambulance, or whatever I get organized for you in the morning. Thirty minutes, by the way, Bianca. And then they should be here.
“Oh, speaking of cops, they finally got your photo out there, Erika. Some asshole at Itero shared some Christmas party photos of you a few years ago. So I dunno if Bianca said anything, but Caitlin — you should go. I’ve got an ID card for you and one for Addy.
“Erika, I…” Caitlin trails off.
“Me either,” I say. I suck in a breath, “So how… How do Ash and I get to the hospital? And shit, where are we gonna stay in Henderson?” I turn to Caitlin.
She shrugs looking defeated. “I don't know yet, we'll have to look.”
“We’ll sort something temporary for you,” Marcie says. “Well, Caitlin, I think you should stay at the hospital with Addy — if you can. It’s Jordan, isn’t it, Bianca?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, can you talk to her — see if she can get Caitlin in one of the carer’s rooms?” Bianca leans over and grabs her phone and starts tapping out a message. “Here’s your ID. This won’t stand up if they pull up the photo when they run it — but it’s what I can do in the time.”
“Angelina Carson,” Caitlin mumbles.
“That’s your name ’til Addy’s out of the hospital. For God’s sake, remember that. I know Addy’ll probably fuck it up when she wakes up, but hopefully not in front of anyone important. This one’s for Addy.” She hands across another card. “You should also memorize the address, by the way. You’re gonna look twelve kinds of suspicious if you can’t remember where you live.”
“I am going back to my damn bed. Erika, I said I will sort you out; we’ve got some contacts around Henderson and we’ll find a place to stash you and Ash so you can get to the hospital, but I’m gonna look at that in the morning. No one I need to talk to’s gonna willingly be awake at 2 a.m.”
“I—”
“No. No questions right now. If it’s Addy’s health-related stuff, you can ask Bianca who, if it weren’t for you, would also be sleeping right now. Questions for me can wait until I’m awake again.
“You created this shit-show, and sure, fuck those people, burn it all to the damn ground. But also, whether or not I have any sympathy for you and your damn mess depends on whether or not I get some damn sleep. You brought your sorry ass here, and I’ll fix your mess on my own damn timetable.”
Marcie doesn’t wait for a response. The door slamming after her makes the whole RV reverberate.
“She’s kinda fiery. She likes you, though. You might not think so, but she does.” Bianca says in the long silence afterwards.
“Hey, Bianca, her systolic’s still 105. You want to come down any more on the velapressin?” Alex says.
“What’s the MAP?” she says, heading over to peer at the faded screen.
“I really hate to leave you,” Caitlin whispers. “But I don’t know what else to do. I think Bianca’s telling the truth — and I’m scared for Addy.”
I wrap my arm around her. “Me either. I don’t really trust Marcie, but I don’t know what else to do.”
#
Headlamps flash through the window and, we both watch as the EMS crew grab their gurney and roll in.
“Hey Alex, you’re looking better,” the brunette says, leaning in for a quick hug. “Bianca?! What’re you doing up at this hour? Jeeze, if I’d have known you were up as well, I’d have brought you coffee too! Amazed you’re not dead to the world.”
“I would be, if it weren’t for this one,” she says, glancing to Addy.
“Huh, I didn’t recognize the name. I’ve not seen her before.”
“No, they’re new here. Arrived sick. They’re her moms.”
“Hi,” she says, sketching a wave in our direction. “I’m Mackenzie. I’ll be Addy’s paramedic, I’ll be in back with whoever’s coming along. That’s Kayla.” Kayla waves, too. “She’ll be driving. Sorry for the rushed entry and exit but we’ll have a few hours to chat on the way, and I think we’d all like to get Addy where she needs to be as quick as possible.” She turns back to Bianca and goes back to pulling the gurney through the narrow space. “Okay, well let’s get her outta here — Wait.” She stops suddenly and turns back to stare at me. “Holy shit.”
“Yup,” says Bianca.
“Hi?” I say.
“Huh. Okay, so this is your daughter then?”
“Well, mine and…” I turn to Caitlin.
“…Angelina,” Caitlin supplies.
“Angelina, uh huh,” she says, raising her eyebrows and looking at Bianca. “One of those, is it.”
“Kinda had to be.” Bianca says, indicating me.
“Right.” She drags the vowel out, staring at me for a couple more seconds before she turns back to Bianca. “Any changes to report?”
“Nope. Told you everything on the phone. Her blood pressure’s a little better.”
“Cool cool cool. Let’s get her loaded up.”
We stand, shuffling the chairs and ourselves out of the way of the EMT accompanying her. Addy barely makes a sound as they carefully slide her onto the ambulance gurney, swap to their equipment, and navigate the tricky path out of the RV with her and the gurney.
“It’s room 417, Mountain Lake Hospital?”
“Yup.”
“I still say you should’ve built a proper medical bay here,” She says, grumbling as they struggle to get through the narrow door.
“You’re preaching to the choir,” Alex says.
“I know, I know. Anyhow, which one of you’s coming?”
“Me,” Caitlin says.
“Angelina, right,” she says, looking slightly disappointed. “Guess that makes more sense than Dr. Morgen there.”
“You won’t — please don’t tell anyone?” I say, quietly.
“Oh I won’t babe. And Kayla won’t either.” Kayla mimes zipping her mouth closed. “If Marcie’s got you stashed here there’s gonna be a good reason for it. C’mon then, Angelina.”
I stand and watch helplessly as they load first Addy in, and then, after giving me a quick kiss, Caitlin gets in. “Message me when you get there.”
“Of course.”
“And let me know how she’s doing.”
“Of course, sweetheart. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’m—”
“If you tell me you’re sorry one more time I’m gonna find the largest needle they have and stab you with it.”
“Please don’t,” Mackenzie says, laughing. “Right guys, we’ve gotta get moving.” She slams the door.
I watch the tail lights get smaller and smaller. It’s a while before I start walking, slowly, back to Marcie’s RV.
#
No new messages.
#
No new messages.
#
No new messages.
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No new messages.
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No new messages.
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No new messages.
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No new messages.
#
CM: We’re here.
CM: The roads are f’ed up. Passed through two roadblocks, no one stopped is though.
CM: us
CM: But there were so many accidents.
EM: I’m glad you got there okay 🫂 Please be careful.
CM: I’ll try
CM: Mackenzie said Addy’s stable.
CM: There are no rooms here tho.
CM: We’re in a hall by the nurses station.
CM: Jordan said she had to beg the house supervisor and the ICU crew to let her transfer her friends kid here.
CM: Still waiting for the doctor. Jordan said I can stay in the parents rooms until Marcie finds us a place.
CM: I miss you.
EM: I miss you too.
CM: How's Ash doing?
EM: Still asleep atm.
EM: I checked on her and she doesn't have a fever still so 🤞
CM: You should try and get some sleep sweetheart.
EM: You too.
CM: I love you. We’ll get through this.
EM: I love you too.
I try not to wake anyone with the sound of my sobbing.
#
CM: Doctor switched the blood pressure medication. I think it sounded like the name Bianca said. Something about protecting blood vessels. She seems to be doing better with it. And they're giving steroids? She's beyond the point when they'd give testosterone thank God.
EM: Oh shit that's good news.
EM: Did they say anything else.
CM: Only that she seems stable for now.
EM: *relief*
EM: TY for the update.
CM: I’m going to try and sleep for a bit. They gave her more sedatives.
EM: Love you
CM: You too.
#
“You want cereal?” Marcie waves the box of cornflakes at me. “You should eat something.”
“Thanks,” I say, tipping cereal into my bowl despite a complete absence of hunger.
“How's Addy doing?”
“Okay, last I heard. Thank you for getting her there. For organizing all that.”
“No problem. I’m pleased she’s doing better. Ash still sleeping?”
“Yeah. But I'm under strict instructions to get her up at eight. Bianca wants to give her another check over. And she wants her to actually stay hydrated today so she gets less of a lie in.”
“Yeah, she's like that. Likes to keep an eye on her flock.”
Silence falls as Marcie sips her coffee and occasionally taps out a message on her phone.
“Look, Marcie. What's going on?”
“What?”
“What are you going to do with me? With us? You promised to make sure Addy and Ash and Caitlin were okay. You can do what you want with me…but please—”
“Oh stop being so damn melodramatic. Are you like this all the time? Jesus, how does Caitlin put up with you.”
“What?”
“Oh no,” she wails, hand to her forehead, “you didn't magically get all of us out of here simultaneously! You must be planning to bury my plague-spreading ass in a shallow grave in the desert. Honey, just get over yourse—”
“Mom?”
“Ash! Uh—”
“What’s going on? Where's Mom C? Is she still with Addy?”
“So Ash… Addy had a kind of rough night.” I try to find my reassuring voice, the one that says it's all going to be alright, even though I have no faith it is. “Mom C took her to the hospital.”
“Is she going to be okay?!”
“She's in the right place. They're doing everything they can to make sure she gets better.”
“But, is she going to be okay?”
“I'm afraid I don't know, sweetie.” The words are like acid, burning me, etching the damage I've done into my soul as I utter them. “Mom C is with her, and she said she's doing better than when they had to take her to the hospital.”
“Why didn't you wake me up, Mom? She's my sister and I should have been there with you.”
“You're sick, too, sweetheart. We wanted to let you rest. They gave Addy medicine to make her sleepy, anyhow. She didn't even wake up when they put her in the ambulance.”
“She went in an ambulance? Is she really that sick?!”
I shuffle around in the cramped space, wrap my arms around Ash. “It's okay, sweetie. Well, it's not. I know this is really scary and it's really hard. Your mom and I are both worried for your sister, too. But the doctors and nurses are doing their best and your mom is with her. That's all we can do right now.”
Ash wraps herself, limpet-like, around me.
When she finally slackens her grip, Marcie says quietly, “Why don't you get some breakfast sweetheart?” Ash glances nervously at her as Marcie stands and opens a cabinet. “There’s Rice Krispies, Froot Loops or Cap’n Crunch.”
Ash stares blankly.
“How about some Froot Loops,” I say gently. “You never get to have those at home.”
“Sure.” She whispers, dropping into the chair.
“And Bianca sent this over for you.” I pull a bottle of Bianca's hydration drink from the fridge. “She said it tastes better when it's cold.”
“Eeeeeewwww.”
“You gotta, Ash, I don't want you getting sick like Addy.”
“But mom—”
“No ‘but, Mom.’ Drink up. Marcie’s going to try and work on getting us over to the hospital so you can go see Addy with Mom C.” I leave the prayer that that’s true unuttered.
#
Spoiler
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[collapse]
#
EM: I’m sorry Mary-Anne. I don’t think I can express how much I regret…everything
EM: I’m going to give you some space.
EM: Please let me know if / when it’s okay to contact you.
EM: I understand if that’s never.
#
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Oh now you get misgendered and deadnamed. Well done.
Hey fuck face,
Sorry ig you’re kinda up shit creek now.
Not sure I can do much for you rn.
Also: still don’t.
Penny xo
PS Good luck babe, I’ll do anything I can to help.
#
CM: The doctor said they need to give her less protein.
CM: It was real complicated.
CM: Something about it making the metabolic acidosis worse.
CM: Said its a tricky balance.
CM: I tried to google it but all the results were just miracle solution or crystals.
CM: I wish you were here.
EM: I wish I was there too
EM: I wish I could support you both better
EM: I dont know that I’d understand this bit better but
EM: I wish I was there.
CM: She said shes still very sick.
CM: I’m really scared for her.
EM: Me too
EM: Marcie said they’ve got someone on the way to collect us and take us there
EM: Hopefully we’ll be there tonight
CM: I don’t think you can come to the hospital though
EM: No
EM: I don’t think so
EM: My face is all over the news.
CM: 🫂
#
“We have a problem.”
“There’s always a problem with you, Isabella,” Marcie sighs dramatically.
“Don't be a bitch.” Isabella laughs as she hops out of the battered white van. “I'm not fucking kidding. We have a problem.”
“Okay, okay, what's the problem?”
“We can't get gas.”
“What? Even at the rez?”
“No gas there, no diesel neither. Apparently their tanker didn't come the beginning of the week — the driver got sick and some gang stole the whole darn truck. They found it a couple hundred miles away, but it'd been drained.”
“And none of the stations along the way had gas?”
“Nope.” Isabella leans against the door. “What we’ve got left in the tank plus the jerrycans could get us most of the way then back to—” she looks warily at me, “—our campsite,” she concludes after a long pause. “After we drop them off. But not all the way.”
“Well, shit.” Marcie kicks a rock out into the desert. “You don’t think it’ll be better in Henderson?”
“Maybe? Maybe not. We can call folks in there and check — but whether there’ll still be gas three hours from now? The one station near our site had a line of cars a mile long.
“Not to mention, it's gonna be a rough journey. We got stopped twice, second time some sheriff had taken it upon himself to be king of the damn hill. Set up some random-ass checkpoint. Wanted us to go round outside town. Said he didn't want the men coming into contact with dirty outsiders. Told us no stopping in town. Everything’s for residents only.
“I don't wanna tell you how to run things, Marcie but you talked about consolidating folks and resources last meeting. I think it’s time. And your two guests might have to wait to get to their destination.”
Marcie looks around the site, her face scrunched in thought.
“Problem is, her daughter’s in the hospital in Henderson,” She says pointing at me.
“It’s not gonna fly with our crew if we have to abandon the truck. Even if it’s on a friendly driveway it ain’t much good to us, is it?”
“Shit.”
“See, I said, a problem.” Isabella laughs.
“You heard anything more, Erika?” Marcie says.
Not for the first time I'm grateful that Bianca's sucked Ash in with helping her out, a way for her to keep an eye on Ash and actually get a useful pair of hands — with the bonus that it keeps Ash distracted. Unlike me and my three hundred checks of the phone in roughly the last hour. “Nothing I haven’t already shared,” I say.
“So kinda stable. At least for the moment.”
“Yeah,” I say, hesitantly.
“Lemmie make some calls,” Marcie says, walking decisively away from us and toward the medical RV.
“So,” Isabella says, eyebrows furrowed, “You’re the famous Dr. Erika Morgen.”
Staring at the scattered boulders around me, I contemplate whether, if I got a big enough rock, I could knock myself unconscious and skip this conversation.
#
The heat is draining. Marcie put me to work helping to get a couple of the travel trailers, ones that belong to…guys…who’re in the medical RV, ready to move. In the two hours since Isabella arrived Marcie’s canvased enough folks, and talked to whoever she talks to when she disappears with the phone, to decide to press the big red button marked “empty the site.”
A gang of people is going to descend at some point in the next few hours with drivers for the trailers belonging to folks too sick to pilot their own rigs, and enough fuel to get the vehicles that'll run to wherever we're going. So everything needs to be packed up and ready to go when they get here. The level of organization Marcie’s commanding is astonishing.
Where we're going? That's need-to-know information which Marcie’s been very clear I don’t need-to-know. At least it's apparently nearer Henderson.
“Your problem isn't exactly top of the list right now, babe,” she said when I asked her about getting to Caitlin and Addy. “You might be okay sacrificing folks for your agenda, but I’m not. So I sure as shit am gonna get anyone who wants outta here before things get impossible. So sure, I’ll get you there, I said I would and I will. But it might take a couple of days.”
So instead of heading to Henderson, to be at least near Addy and Caitlin, I’ve spent the last two hours hitching shit up and checking tires and making sure the contents of folks’ homes isn't going to be destroyed when the small fleet of vehicles moves off — some of them for the first time in years. Doing it in 102°F weather hasn't done wonders for my hydration or energy level.
Hence me sucking down a soda, and being slumped in one of the chairs outside Marcie's trailer, when Ash appears out of the medical RV. I watch her slow approach, dragging her feet tiredly through the dust. I faintly have an urge to remind her not to bring that much dust into the house before remembering that we don't have one anymore. When she gets near enough I realize she's sporting a disposable yellow stethoscope around her neck.
“Bianca said I could keep this one,” she says, before she drops into one of the chairs under the shade. Grumpily she adds, “She said it was time for me to take a break and lie down. I'm not even tired yet.”
“You should listen to her,” I say. “Door’s there; off to bed for a bit. Did she give you another drink yet?”
“Yeah,” she says, crinkling her nose. “It was revolting.”
“I wish someone’d tell me to take a nap, and make me drinks,” I laugh.
“Mom C does that all the time!”
“Yeah. Yeah she does,” I concede.
“Have you heard anything more about Addy?”
“Not yet, sweetheart. I'm sorry.”
She sits in silence, drawing lines in the dirt with her already filthy sneakers.
“Mom,” Ash asks quietly after glancing around her, “What did Marcie mean about you spreading plague?”
The cavernous void that's suddenly opened up is sucking in the vicious desert light. All there is in my universe now is me and Ash, in some dark pit, millions of miles apart.
“Well…” I whisper.
“What's plague?” she says, seemingly oblivious to the damage wrought by a few simple words. “Is it that rat thing you told us about?”
“Well, yes and no? Let's start with what a plague is?” I say, desperately taking a time-loan from a loan shark. “A plague’s a disease or an infection that spreads to lots of people. That rat thing you're thinking of — a long time ago there was an infection that killed a bunch of people. And you’re mostly remembering it right, it was spread by fleas that lived on rats…
“Marcie was talking about the virus you and Addy and Caitlin all have and joking about it being plague.”
“But it's not funny. Addy's real sick.”
“I know, sweetie, but when things are real hard or scary people make jokes out of them. It sometimes makes it easier to cope with.”
“But why did she say you were spreading it?” Her forehead crinkles in confusion. I try not to vomit.
“You remember how I said the government said I did bad things?”
“Yeah. That was only yesterday, Mom, of course I remember,” she says sounding exasperated.
“You're gonna have to be patient with me because this is kinda complicated — and it's been a secret. Your mom knew for a while before we left. I told Marcie yesterday. We’ll tell Addy when she's better.” A flicker of that other fear bubbling under the surface returns to make itself known. “Lots of people know now, but it’s probably better not to talk to people about it.
“You remember how we talked about how you are in charge of your body? How no one should make you do things you don't want to do, and there are places on you other people shouldn't touch without your permission?”
“Yes, like my vagina,” she says with seriousness, “and Addy's penis. Wait, will Addy have a vagina when she's better?”
“Most like,” I say, excavating a smile.
“Cool! I think she’ll like that.”
“Yeah. I think she will too.
“Okay, so, a long time ago. Before I met your mom, I worked for a man who turned out to be very bad. I thought he wanted me to make a treatment to help folks like Addy, but he didn't…”
“…mom? You stopped talking.”
“Yeah,” I say, slowly. “Sorry.” I gaze at my daughter for a while, hating to rob her of the innocence and knowing it’ll happen either way. At least this way I have a little control.
“You remember we told you that sometimes people, even people you know and love, might try and touch you in places that you don't want them to? Or to convince you that you have to do it to them? And to tell us if it happens?”
“…yes.”
“Well, it turned out the man I worked for wanted to do that to people he'd given the treatment to. So he would take folks who didn't want to be girls and — make their bodies like a girls…”
“So they'd be like Addy is now, but backwards? Like if I was a boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Why? It sounds real bad.”
“I don't know exactly…but he’s rich and powerful and he uses that to protect himself.”
“But that's wrong.”
“It is…” I say, resignation tingeing my voice. “When I realized what he wanted it for, I ran away — and when I got to New Mexico, I met your mom. But on the way, someone caught the virus from me.
“When I worked out how fast it could spread, I started working on a way to stop people catching it. But I didn't manage to get it working in time and the government thinks that I deliberately spread the virus.”
Ash stares at me for a while, before returning to noodling loops in the dirt with her shoe. “It might help Addy though?” she says eventually.
“Yeah — that was the idea. It just…spreads a lot.”
“Mom,” she says, then stops. Her forehead scrunches again, and she slowly turns the bottle in her hand. “Do you regret making it?” she asks, quietly.
“Yes. And no.” I say slowly. “I regret that it spreads so easily. That so many people might be hurt by it. And I’m worried for Addy. But also, for some people it can really help them.”
“Huh,” she says, thinking. “Huh,” she says again, the exhaustion properly hitting her. “Can we talk about this again later?”
“Sure, sweetheart. Remember, though, it’s probably better if the only folks you talk to about this are Marcie and Mom C right now.”
“Okay.” She yawns, hops up from the chair and pulls on my arm. “Would you come sit with me?”
“Of course, sweetheart,” I say, following her up the steps and into Marcie's RV.