7:09pm Friday - Amity Amy Amity
"Amity?"
Nope, today is actually just a nightmare made manifest cause I'm a terrible person. I've been struggling to not mess this up. To choose to not talk in the lowest voice possible to try and spook this chud long enough that I can escape or just simply using violence. I was just really scared what might happen with either of those options, I'm not very good at doing voices and I for sure don't know how to hit someone properly. With the scary things I've heard happen to trans girls who get the trans panic defense used against them (mostly death or a long hospital stay), I really just want this guy to leave me alone.
How does he think looming over someone is step one to flirting? Who thinks looming is appropriate for R&B? R&B is the music for getting close, but not this close, Buttwad! Wait...that's not what's playing...why is it jazz? Why am I haunted by jazz?
I've learned my lesson. The jazz is a sign. It's not worth existing in public, I'll just fade out of existence and only be me in the safety of my room.
Or that would be the plan, if Gavin hadn't just walked over.
"Hey, Amity. I've been looking for you all over, we must have gotten separated in the crowd." That's a laughable excuse, Gav. Even someone as monstrously daft as this guy wouldn't fall for that. "Ohh, and you got me a drink, thanks."
No!
Gavin. No!
Listen to my eyes. I am projecting my thoughts into your dense as fuck skull: DO NOT DRINK THAT
"Hey, my friend and I were having a chat here. Why don't you jog on, Stick?" I have been suffering through a one-wanker play less enjoyable than the vagina monologues. This hasn't been a chat, Doofus! If I was brave enough to say that to your face, I bet it would really hurt your ego before you hit me.
"Oops." Gavin just bumped into this guy and spilled my drink on me as they did a rude gesture, who I'm realising now is somehow shorter than Gavin. How tall are you, Gav? It can't have just been that you were tall that I was having lurid thoughts about you, if that were the case I wouldn't have a purely negative opinion of this basket of bad pickup lines and negging. Gavin's normally so smooth and coordinated too, it's why I relied on him to win our first bet...did he spill it on me on purpose? Tried to make it look like an accident? "Well now we're short a drink, let's go grab a fresh one from the wheel of goon." He fucking did. He spilled a drink on me! On PURPOSE! How am I supposed to wash clothes who's existence I need to keep secret, Gavin?
...Are you trying to get me to have as low an opinion of you as I do of this insult to flirting? You've been to so many of my Sunday dinners. You know what I drink! They have cider here, I've seen it. Don't just make shit up. I thought we were friends.
I also thought we were rivals.
I thought you came to Sunday dinners for the warm welcomes and the home cooked comfort. Was it just free food to you?
Maybe I'm just wrong on all fronts. I also thought I was a woman too. I don't know if I want this kind of attention, nor can I really take it as a glowing recommendation if I only pass when someone tries to slip me date rape drugs (at least that's what I assume is happening).
"Hey! Fuck off. I said my friend and I were having a chat, can't you see you're upsetting her?" Okay, points for the pronouns, but how blind is this guy if he thinks Gav is who I don't like in this situation? Though, it honestly isn't looking good for Gav right now, so he might have a point.
"Amity, what say we make a bet?" No. NONONO. Don't go playing me like this, Gavin. Just let it be, this guy will run out of steam sooner or later now I don't have a drink. If it was spiked he'll have to leave to go make up a new one, otherwise at some point he's going to try his luck elsewhere. "I can see how appreciative you've been of this guy's company..." Don't slip an arm around me. I like girls and you're not a girl, Grace!
I mean...
Gavin! Fuck!
Why didn't I reach out to you and make a bet with you before coming here tonight? Why did I let last week sour everything? Over what? Seventy bucks? I know Gav doesn't have that kind of money. He only ate lunch that day cause I gave him lunch money. Why did it bother me so much? Why do I feel like tonight has just been an utter mess and a mistake?
Gavin's looking at me expectantly. I think he said more, but I clearly had more important things to think about. He's trying to sneak closer and hold me more securely in his arms but all I can think of is pretending she's a girl.
"Oi! Hands off my girl."
"I can make my own choices." That's a lie. I've been avoiding making choices this whole time. I've been asking Grace to make those choices for me. But Gavin says she doesn't exist. So who have I been delegating to? Grace seems so different compared to Gavin. Not to say Gav's not a nice guy, but Grace is cool and charming and smooth and makes even walking around the mall a joy. I didn't hate losing to her. I liked the challenge she posed.
Gavin got real close real quick there. I think I missed something that might have been important.
"The make-up looks good on you..." Nooooooo. You're not who I want to hear that from. I sat in a chair for an hour getting eyeliner wings and blush done for Grace not you. Fuck...I did all this to impress someone who doesn't exist. "...can I have a kiss to win this bet?"
Okay.
Yeah. Sure. A kiss.
I can do that. Gonna pull you down in the muck with me. With me and these terrible feelings. I hate how I'm feeling right now. I wish Grace was real. I wish she were holding me. I wish it was her attention I was getting. I hate how you're not her.