“Ah, Xigu. I heard you were starting today. Your enrolment papers have already been taken care of,” the dean of instruction kindly patted Lin Xigu’s shoulder with an affable smile. “If you run into any problems here, my door’s always open.”
Lin Xigu nodded politely. “Thank you, Yi-shu[1]. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“Hey now, there’s no need for formalities. Your dad and I go way back.” Dean Yi escorted Lin Xigu to his classroom: Class 3, Year 1[2]. Coincidentally, the lesson of the hour was being delivered by the homeroom teacher.
“Excuse my interruption, Zhou-laoshi[3]. I have an announcement to make. Everyone, this here is the newest member of Class 3. I’ll let him introduce himself in just a second.” He patted Lin Xigu encouragingly. Lin Xigu nodded at Zhou-laoshi before making his way to the lectern.
Dean Yi waved Zhou Cheng over and the two of them stepped out into the hallway for a side chat.
Lin Xigu felt a tad self-conscious about speaking in front of so many faces. He briefly introduced his name before stepping down.
“Sit wherever you like,” Dean Yi called from the doorway.
Lin Xigu scanned the room furtively. There was an empty desk not too far from him in the second row, next to a quiet-looking girl. The other empty desks were all along the back of the room. Lin Xigu slowly made his way to the back and chose a seat in the second last row, close to the wall.
His neighbour on the other side was frowning. ‘Do not approach’ was written all over his face.
Lin Xigu peered at him and asked in a small voice, “Excuse me, is this seat taken?”
The girl sitting in the row ahead turned and motioned for him to move along. Lin Xigu gave her a friendly smile before turning back to the boy beside him.
The boy glanced at him, then turned his head away, ignoring his question.
Lin Xigu asked the girl instead, “Is anyone sitting here?”
The girl shook her head and whispered, “No, but I would still suggest you find somewhere else to sit.”
Lin Xigu thanked her and set his backpack down where he was, taking out his pencil case and a notebook.
Upon reentering the classroom, Zhou Cheng’s gaze initially fell on the desk in the second row, and he was slightly taken aback to find it empty. It took him a moment to locate Lin Xigu and the sight of him gave him pause before he relented, saying, “Alright, we’ll keep you there for now. We’ll adjust in the future.”
Lin Xigu nodded, thinking I’m fine where I am.
In truth, he had spotted the boy sitting beside him the moment he walked in. The boy had been sitting with his head lowered, his eyes hidden from view, but the visible half of his face had been attractive in its own right. After seeing his eyes, Lin Xigu had felt even more compelled to stay.
He liked good-looking boys. To the point of arousal, even.
This was his secret.
The boy next to him was stunning. Lin Xigu’s heart threatened to take off from the very sight of him. This seat was practically made for him and he would be a fool to pass up the opportunity.
Their homeroom teacher’s core subject was math. Lin Xigu was an unexceptional student but he did well enough in math to keep up with the rest of the lecture. After class ended, Zhou Cheng called him over to talk and Lin Xigu followed him to his office.
Zhou Cheng listened to him explain his situation and then asked, “Dean Yi approached me earlier about saving a seat for you near the front. How come you’re all the way in the back now? Let’s get you moved over once we get back.”
“No, no, there’s no need. Thank you though, Zhou-laoshi,” Lin Xigu urgently shook his head. “I don’t mind sitting there. I – you know what, I’m a bit farsighted. I can’t see the board if I sit too close.”
“Is that so?” Zhou Cheng thought for a moment. “There are other empty desks near the back as well. Why don’t you take that open seat by the window instead?”
“Honestly, it’s fine. I don’t want to be a bother. It’s all the same to me anyway.”
“You don’t understand. That child, She Xiao, has a difficult personality. I’m afraid the two of you will butt heads down the road,” Zhou Cheng was still trying to sway him. However, Lin Xigu was shallow and not afraid to admit it; a bad personality was not a dealbreaker.
“Don’t worry about it, teach,” Lin Xigu laughed. “I have a great personality. Rest assured, we won’t be butting heads.”
Zhou Cheng had to chuckle at that. Dean Yi had instructed him to make his newest student feel at home but he had not expected Lin Xigu to have such a tenacious temper. He seemed to have dug in his heels about sitting next to She Xiao.
Zhou Cheng could feel a headache coming on.
She Xiao was the notorious problem child of their school. In less than a year, he had been implicated in three separate fist fights. He rarely spoke, and his eyes were always stone-cold. In fact, Zhou Cheng had never seen him interact with any of his peers. A student teacher had even quipped that they avoided looking him in the eyes due to the palpable animosity within them.
But She Xiao was also brilliant, and that was why the school board made excuses for his behaviour time and time again. The school was not ready to give up their star pupil who was a shoo-in to get the top score on the Gaokao exam[4], so as long as he toed the line, the school could only turn a blind eye.
By the time Lin Xigu arrived back at the classroom, history class had already begun. Their class specialized in the sciences[5], so history class was little more than a free period for students to relax. Lin Xigu greeted the instructor and returned to his seat.
His neighbour was folded over on his desk, sleeping with his face buried in his arms. Lin Xigu could only see his ear from where he sat.
She Xiao. Lin Xigu had only just learned his name from their homeroom teacher and did not yet know which hanzi were used to write his name. His family name seemed rather unusual.
Zhou Cheng had said that he had a “difficult personality”. But what do I care? Lin Xigu thought. It’s not like I’m going to provoke him. Besides, anything is forgivable with a face like that.
This would become his mantra over the next couple of days.
What is there to be mad about? Anything is forgivable with a face like that. He looks like that. What do you have to be angry about?
It was like an affirmation that he would repeat to himself every time he prickled with irritation and then he would think yes, that’s right, I have nothing to be angry about.
Lin Xigu was organizing his notes from the last class when he caught the boy next to him getting to his feet in his peripheral vision. He lifted his head and asked, “Do you need to leave?”
She Xiao stared at him, brow furrowed, not saying a word.
Lin Xigu got out of his chair and stepped aside, resigned. They had been sharing desk space for days already and he had yet to hear She Xiao utter a single word in his direction. If he hadn’t caught him answering his phone, Lin Xigu would have thought he was mute.
As She Xiao swept past him, his clothing caught on Lin Xigu’s notebook, sending his notes tumbling to the ground. The boy acted as though nothing had happened and walked away without so much as a backward glance.
Lin Xigu stared at the mess on the floor before bending to pick them up, all the while muttering under his breath, “Don’t get mad, don’t get mad. Look how beautiful he is. Relax, xiao-Xigu.”[6]
“Being beautiful doesn’t excuse him for not apologizing. He’s not mute, just rude.”
“But he’s beautiful.”
His quiet argument with himself went unnoticed, his voice too low for even the nearby Li Balei to catch. Lin Xigu sat back in his chair and wiped the dust from his notebook with a long-suffering sigh. “…Fine, he is beautiful. Lin Xigu, you really are shallow.”
And so, Lin Xigu surrendered once more to She Xiao’s face.
Truth be told, She Xiao was easy on the eyes. Without exaggeration, he was the most attractive person Lin Xigu had ever seen, although he did have a hard-eyed look about him that made him appear menacing, dark somehow. Perhaps because of his eyes.
He was not “handsome” in the traditional sense, with strong brows and big eyes. No, he was rather the opposite. She Xiao’s eyes were not overly large. Instead, they were slightly hooded, the outer corners tapering wide. He was so pale that the corners of his eyes seemed perpetually rimmed in blush.
It was almost… a fragile sort of beauty.
If only his personality weren’t so terrible.
Lin Xigu sighed again. If his tongzhuo[7] would open up just a little, the two of them could make conversation, pass notes back and forth—wouldn’t that be wonderful?
She Xiao returned from break as he was still ruminating. Lin Xigu obediently sprang out of his seat to make way and She Xiao slid past him, his face stony and unreadable.
Lin Xigu had a keen nose. “You…” His eyes widened as he stared at She Xiao.
She Xiao inclined his head towards him, brow raised.
His eyes were deathly sullen, forcing Lin Xigu to swallow his words.
He had smelled cigarette smoke on She Xiao’s clothes. She Xiao had been smoking.
This instantly made Lin Xigu deduct 15 points from the 120 total he had originally awarded She Xiao for his appearance. He had been steadily taking points away these past couple of days, and he was already down to 40. After docking 15 points, he would only left with 25. Any more and he would be in the negatives.
Was it not enough to look nice? Why did he have to smoke? Lin Xigu pulled out his notebook and scribbled two large numbers on the page.
25.
It was not until five days after their initial meeting that they first spoke to one another.
During those five days, Lin Xigu had grown accustomed to She Xiao’s silence. He no longer harboured any hope of hearing She Xiao speak. If he was bored, he filled the silence with his own internal monologue, at times muttering out loud to himself. He supposed he was fine with that.
Which meant that when She Xiao finally spoke to him, Lin Xigu did not immediately react until She Xiao, frowning, repeated himself.
Lin Xigu turned to look at him, at once flattered and flabbergasted. ”Y-you… What did you just say?”
“I said ‘switch seats with me’.” It was already his third repeat. He set his books down on Lin Xigu’s desk.
“Oh! Yes, okay!” Lin Xigu had actually been planning to switch desks all along. Since She Xiao refused to speak up, he always had to stand and wait quietly for Lin Xigu to move whenever he needed to leave. Lin Xigu had a tendency of losing himself in thought, so sometimes he would come out of his reverie only to realize that She Xiao had been waiting for quite some time already.
“Sorry for missing what you said just now.” Lin Xigu fished his books from his desk drawer and pushed them toward She Xiao. “It’s good that we’re switching, yeah? It will be more convenient for you, but… that is, uh, I’ll have to trouble you from now on if I need to stretch my legs.”
It was, officially, the first time that She Xiao had addressed him directly. Lin Xigu felt slightly floaty. He had seen a flash of teeth as She Xiao was speaking. His teeth were perfect, so white and so neat.
Let’s add 5 points. Make it an even 30.
Lin Xigu took out his notebook and scribbled two more numbers.
30.
30 was great. 30 doubled made 60. And 60 was a pass.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
[1] -叔 (Shu): Honorific used to address elder, male friends of the family. Literally “Uncle”.
[2] The high school system in China is divided into junior (grades 7-9) and senior (grades 10-12) levels, and each grade is further broken down into multiple classes. In most public high schools, students remain in the classroom while teachers move around each period. Each classroom is assigned a homeroom teacher who is responsible for taking attendance, making announcements, etc. on top of their regular teaching duties in one of the core subjects. As Lin Xigu is in 高一, or his first senior year, he would be in grade 10.
[3] -老师 (Laoshi): Honorific used to address teachers (and anyone who instructs or educates).
[4] 状元 (Zhuangyuan): The top scorer of the national Gaokao examination, a standard college admissions exam which takes place during the last year of high school. For American readers, you may think of the Gaokao as SATs on steroids. Some competitive high schools will base their KPIs on student performance in the Gaokao.
[5] Oftentimes at the senior levels, classes are split based on 2 specializations: humanities and sciences, based on student ability and preference for certain core subjects. For example, students who are more STEM focused will be grouped together in one class while students who are more humanities focused will be grouped in another. This also impacts how core subjects are taught, etc.
[6] 小- (Xiao): Prefix. Affectionate way to address animals, children, people you are close to, etc.
[7] 同桌 (Tongzhuo): “Deskmate”. The person who sits next to you in school.