Li Balei was the first friend that Lin Xigu made at his new school, and also happened to be the girl who sat in front of him in class. She had long hair and was quite pretty, with large, expressive eyes.
Her name was also interesting. Lin Xigu had been quick to comment on it when they first met, “Your name is awesome.”
“Is that a compliment or are you mocking me?” Li Balei’s eyes looked even larger when she blinked. She looked at Lin Xigu. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to it.”
“I honestly think it sounds nice,” Lin Xigu was wearing such a genuine expression that it made Li Balei feel slightly embarrassed.
“Do you know how to do ballet[1] then?” Lin Xigu asked her.
“A bit. With a name like mine, I’d have to learn, right? But I didn’t have much talent, didn’t want to put in the work, and I struggled a lot, so then I quit.” Li Balei sipped her milk, making idle conversation.
She Xiao returned then, interrupting their table talk. Lin Xigu subconsciously pressed himself into the wall while Li Balei, who had spotted She Xiao as well, stuck out her tongue before turning to face the front.
She Xiao naturally exuded an atmosphere of his own that had a chilling effect on the people around him, making them hesitant to speak when he was around.
Their next class was math, taught by their homeroom teacher, Zhou Cheng. Lin Xigu took out his textbook and workbook in preparation. Beside him, She Xiao was rifling through his desk with his head tilted. From Lin Xigu’s vantage point, he could only see the tip of his chin.
Kind of cute. Lin Xigu couldn’t help but say, “Here.”
He carefully reached over and pulled out the book She Xiao was looking for from the bottom of She Xiao’s drawer, gently placing it in front of him on the desk.
She Xiao looked down at the book, silent.
Lin Xigu shrank back against the wall, feeling a twinge of regret. Why are you such a dope? Was that really necessary? What’s the matter with you?
Zhou Cheng’s first order of business was for the class representative to hand back the marked quizzes from the previous class. Lin Xigu, upon receiving his quiz, glanced at his score. 87. He flipped through the rest of it. There were careless mistakes, to be sure, but also problems that he truly did not know how to solve. He peeked to his left and caught sight of She Xiao’s quiz on his desk, displaying a noticeably large ‘120’.
Full marks. Lin Xigu scratched his nose. He really was too cool.
Zhou Cheng gave a scathing review of the class’s performance on the quiz; it was clear from his frown that he was dissatisfied with most of them. “Weren’t the questions relatively easy? But you wouldn’t know that based on some of the answers I got back! Have you been taking too many useless classes lately? Looks to me like we need to cut back on political science and history. What about gym class – do you want that canceled as well?”
You could have heard a pin drop. Zhou Cheng was a terror when he got worked up.
“One measly pop quiz – I thought, my gosh, if the class average isn’t 110, I’ll eat my shoe. But in the end, only She Xiao got a perfect score, followed by Sui Sheng with 118. The rest of you didn’t even make it over 115. At one point, I even questioned whether I was grading them wrong. And you’re telling me that you still intend to write the end-of-month test? How? With results like these, you couldn’t do worse if you tried.”
Zhou Cheng rambled at rapid-fire speed when he was angry. Lin Xigu could barely make out what he was saying. He stared down at his quiz, his mind starting to wander.
“Look at your quiz, all of you! Liang Qiming, you got a 63 and you still have the gall to nature gaze? Are there equations in the sky? Are the birds singing about them?”
Somewhere in the room, somebody snickered.
Liang Qiming was the hapless fall guy of their class. Not only were his grades consistently dismal, he was also wider than he was tall and it made him an easy target for teachers when they were in a bad mood. It never seemed to bother him and he always played it up for laughs, all criticism going in one ear and out the other.
He raised his head to look at Zhou Cheng, spinning his pen with indifference.
“Would you look at that technique – haven’t I told you to stop spinning that thing? Is this a school or a circus? If you don’t stop spinning that pen this instant, I’ll spin your finger off your hand. It’s time to think about that pathetic 63 on your quiz! Oy vey, if I were you, I’d have sores in my mouth, living like you haven’t got a care in the world!”
Zhou Cheng was not usually a talkative person but once he got started, there was no damming the flood. They all received a proper tongue-lashing for most of the period; few math questions were covered but Zhou Cheng did talk himself hoarse.
His outburst was understandable. Zhou Cheng chaired the math department at their school. On their last midterm exam, their class had placed third in their grade. This was a deviation from the norm; Zhou Cheng’s class always ranked first on the math exam.
His class this year was giving him no shortage of stress.
When the bell rang, they had only made it halfway through the quiz review. Zhou Cheng threw his chalk down. “Nobody move! Study hall is canceled! Come on, we’re still doing math, let’s keep going!”
The room broke out in sighs and groans. They all preferred study hall to math class.
Lin Xigu was the only one who did not care either way. It was all the same to him.
Zhou Cheng’s double math session made up the final two periods of the day and school was out by the time he’d finished. Lin Xigu meandered home with his backpack on his shoulders, his earbuds in, and his MP3 player stowed in his pocket, loaded with slow songs.
There were three dishes and a soup laid out for him on the table when he stepped through the door. It was quite a spread, but there was no one to share it with.
Lin Xigu did not equate being alone with being lonely: he ate, washed the dishes, read for a little while and then washed up for bed.
This had been his life since junior high, and he had almost forgotten what it was like to live with another person. His parents divorced when he was young and his dad was granted sole custody. His job kept him on the go so Lin Xigu was raised by the nanny for a time. And then it was only him.
Up until now, he had always felt content with his life; free to do what he wanted, free to just be.
He turned on his PC that night and video called his mom for a few minutes. They didn’t talk about anything particularly meaningful, just a simple exchange about the goings-on in their lives. Lin Xigu said that the new school was good, and that his teachers and classmates were all very nice.
From the other end of the video, his mother Ji Qiong advised, “Then you just focus on school and put everything else aside for now. You’re still young. There are many things that can wait until you grow up… let it happen naturally.”
“I know, I know. Okay, Ma, I’m hanging up now. I’m going to bed.”
Lin Xigu powered down the computer and flung himself onto the bed. Burying his face in the pillow, he couldn’t help but remember why he had transferred schools in the first place.
It was nothing special, really, just the betrayal of a backstabbing friend. They had been close throughout elementary school and later, high school, and Lin Xigu had come out to him in private. In later years, that friend tried to woo a girl who ended up catching feelings for Lin Xigu instead.
He didn’t know what his friend had been thinking when he retaliated against him. But just like that, his secret was out.
The gossip had made its way around and people always seemed to be whispering about him wherever he went. Some of the boys looked at him as though he were a plague to be avoided.
Lin Xigu could not help but think ‘What are you even afraid of? Have you looked at yourself lately? I’m gay, I’m not blind.’
The next day, She Xiao was already in his seat, napping, by the time Lin Xigu arrived. Lin Xigu vacillated between waking She Xiao and waiting; it would be awkward to wake him but looming over him didn’t seem that much more dignified either.
At last, Lin Xigu walked over and rapped lightly on She Xiao’s desk.
It took three knocks before She Xiao lifted his head with a frown.
Lin Xigu nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw his face. His eyes were extremely red.
“S- Sorry to wake you,” Lin Xigu grinned antsily. His expression betrayed his unease.
She Xiao glared at him, his hostile expression making Lin Xigu’s heart cower. This person was too combative; this was clearly at odds with his outward appearance. He was going to deduct 5 points in a minute. What was he playing at, firing off death glares first thing in the morning?
She Xiao stood, his gaze boring a hole through the top of Lin Xigu’s head as he watched him shuffle past.
Nevertheless, Lin Xigu did feel a little guilty that he had interrupted his sleep. He pulled out a box of milk[2] from his backpack, poked the straw in and offered it to She Xiao, asking quietly, “Have you had breakfast yet? Would you like some milk?”
He placed the milk where She Xiao could see. “I’ll put it here for you.”
Without even looking at it, She Xiao pushed it back with a look of deep annoyance on his face. He did it so forcefully that the milk fell over, spraying droplets everywhere.
Lin Xigu sighed as he looked at the spill on his desk, and mopped it up with a tissue. He picked up the box and took a sip from what was left before setting the milk back down on his desk. Taking a deep breath, he repeated to himself, I’m not mad. He has issues. He’s cute. He has nice teeth.
Lin Xigu flipped open his workbook and began working through math questions, still muttering “She Xiao has issues” to himself.
He had been stuck on a problem for ten minutes.
Lin Xigu threw his pencil down and stole a peek at She Xiao. He had just woken up and his eyes were still red from sleep. Coupled with the pink around the outer corners of his eyes, he looked rather… alluring.
Lin Xigu was nearly dazzled.
… Sigh.
If he has issues, he has issues.
After all, he’s perfect.
[1] The characters for Li Balei’s given name are literally the same characters used for “ballet”.
[2] Western readers may not be familiar with milk in this form. It’s basically milk that has been packaged in a juice box-like carton.