The Christinas started drifting off, retreating into themselves. It gave me the false sense that the conflict had run its course, leaving me free to ponder our next move.
"Kiss each other," I blurted out.
Both their eyes popped wide. I went as red as a lobster, but it was worth it. I'd accidentally engineered a blunder so profound it short-circuited their brains. It wasn't even about them being cute when they were flustered. I felt a sudden, primitive surge of absolute power.
"It makes sense," I began, my voice trembling as I tried to disguise where the bright idea had actually come from. "I love you both, you both love me, but the connection between the two of you is suffering. You're just friends. If you fell for each other, everyone wins."
"We're hardly lesbians," No. 2 recovered first.
"I read somewhere that girls are much more flexible about that sort of thing, even if they're straight."
"Yeah, but you're asking us to fall in love," No. 1 chimed in.
"Well, just as people," I improvised, trying to patch up my rapidly unravelling logic.
"As a pet," No. 1 snarked.
"You know what? I wouldn't mind," No. 2 suddenly agreed, sliding right off her chair to slump sideways across No. 1's lap. "Being a hamster sounds easier. Pet me. I can't argue with you anymore. I'm out of patience. We're carrying on like there's a life on the line."
"Isn't there?" No. 1 snatched the question right off my tongue, lifting a hand before thinking better of stroking No. 2's head.
"Worst case, we all stay single." No. 2 glanced back at me.
"Even then, we'll be in the same Bachelor Club," I said with a smile, remembering my classmate Lena. "Like three retirees, endlessly watching TV on the sofa."
"We've got too much in common," No. 2 confirmed. "And if you strip away all this marriage bollocks, we actually get on quite well. Right?"
No. 1 and I stayed quiet, but it was obvious that, yes, we were mates. We'd just banged our friendship against a sharp edge and were now afraid to patch the crack.
"Shall we do what my parents said?" No. 2 suggested, briefly recapping their kitchen chat. "Just try and make a go of it as a threesome."
"Only no hard feelings if it all goes tits-up," I added.
"But everyone has to actually try," No. 1 set a condition. "If anyone slacks off, they're out."
"Easy for you to say," No. 2 shot back, looking up at No. 1. "I simply won't be able not to slack off."
"And I won't be able not to take it personally," No. 1 added.
"Right," I stepped in. "Let's have me be the scapegoat, then."
Both Christinas turned their gaze on me.
"If this doesn't work out, blame me. At least it'll give you common ground."
"I'm having severe doubts about your noble motives," No. 2 said with a smile.
"I just slightly upgraded Christina's idea," I said, meaning No. 1, "the one to whom it's easiest should take the hit. Two girls yelling at me for failing to manage them both while refusing to leave feels like a cheat code to me."
"Right," No. 1 frowned at me. "Decided to like-a-boss ignore us, have you?"
"Oh, come off it," I scrambled. "I'm not planning to boss you about or corner you."
"What about me?" No. 2 piped up.
"You too."
No. 2 pulled a mock pout.
"Alright, if you beg for it, maybe I can play the alpha male sort of. For you too, Christina. I genuinely want to be with both of you."
"Boss of us," No. 2 mimicked, snapping back to her proposal. "So, what are we doing? I vote for a walk."
"Cinema's better," No. 1 weighed in.
"What's your verdict, boss of ours?" No. 2 teased, but I wasn't playing that game.
"Actually, I've not put my preferences on the table. I fancy bowling."
"Right, fix this with rock-paper-scissors," No. 2 said, giving up on waiting for head pats and standing up from No. 1's lap. "Winner picks the option first."
"Fine," No. 1 and I agreed in unison.
"Rock, paper, scissors, one, two, three!" No. 2 counted down.
We all threw rock.
"Great minds think alike," No. 1 observed.
"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" No. 2 counted again.
Everyone threw paper.
"Fools seldom differ," I protested.
"Do it again and we're all sleeping in the same bed," No. 2 threatened. "Rock, paper, scissors, one, two, Christmas tree!"
We all threw a half-rock, that ambiguous loose paw ready to morph into anything, frantically trying to course-correct mid-air under the "Christmas tree" count.
Final tally: me, rock; No. 1, scissors; No. 2, paper. A three-way deadlock.
The next throw was a tie again. But this time, a clean, honest accident.
"Alright, Christina," No. 2 turned to No. 1. "Let's both throw paper."
"Sounds good," No. 1 agreed.
I threw rock, trying to throw the match. But both Christinas threw scissors.
"Well, where are we heading?" No. 2 looked at me.
"I'm voting for one bed," I confessed, ready to turn it into a joke. I mean, I'm a guy. Am I allowed to be a little thirsty?
"We weren't exactly playing the King's Game," No. 2 objected. "We've gotta pick from the options already on the table."
Technically, a bed was on the table, brought up by you, by the way, I argued in my head, but out loud I said something completely different:
"Then let's go shopping," I offered as a neutral workaround, knowing bowling would suck for No. 1 in her school uniform, I didn't want to walk outside, and No. 2 hated sitting through movies together.
"A compromise," No. 1 figured out, "so we can all suffer equally. What about your promise, though?"
"Actually," I protested. "I'm gonna suffer the most, because guys despise shopping. I'm only doing this for you two. If I only had one wife, I'd never agree to it. Yep."
"Smooth operator," No. 1 called me out. "Only, girls don't just love aimlessly wandering around the mall either."
I could see No. 2 opening her mouth to object, since she'd mentioned before that in her free time she liked browsing online, playing the flute, or just hitting the mall. So yeah, she low-key loved aimless wandering.
"Alright, fine," I rushed to cut her off before she could jump on that contradiction. "What if we pick something we all actually like?"
We spent about two hours trying to find a sweet spot that sounded equally thrilling to all three of us, and ended up right back where we started: marriage and relationships. All of us were genuinely curious about running a married life by the book and maximising its efficiency. We just had different metrics for what made that efficiency work. Faster, bigger, sharper, everyone had their own definition of an "A-plus" life.
"Oh!" I suddenly had a lightbulb moment. "What if we just screw the activity itself and focus on going all-out together?"
"You mean actually putting in real effort?" No. 2 caught on.
"Exactly," No. 1 lit up. "Like team-building. That kind of group-project vibe where the whole class gangs up on the teacher. Even if someone chickens out, they're still in it with us, as long as nobody tries to play team captain."
"Got it," No. 2 confirmed, pulling out her phone. "Okay, Google, random activity for a married couple."
Random activities for a coupleHere is a list of random yet engaging activities for a married couple, categorized for your convenience:At Home• Board Game NightPlay a two-player game of chess, monopoly, or cards with symbolic wishes on the line.• Home RestaurantCook a complex new dish together, light candles, and put on music.• Memory MarathonLook back through old wedding photos, vacation videos, or childhood albums.• Couple's Spa NightGive each other massages to relaxing nature sounds.• Dream PlanningGrab a poster board and create a vision board for your family's next five years.Out and About• Random RouteBoard the very first bus or tram that arrives and get off at an unfamiliar stop to explore.• Coffee DateVisit a new cafe and blindly order desserts for each other.• Sunset PicnicGrab a blanket, a thermos of tea, light snacks, and head to the nearest park.• Cultural OutingVisit a local museum, gallery, or theater you've never been to before.• Photo Scavenger HuntGo for a walk around the city, taking portrait photos of each other using only mobile phones.Active Recreation• Wheels on the MoveRent bikes, scooters, or rollerblades and explore new park zones.• Trial LessonSign up for a drop-in class in partner dancing, rock climbing, or tennis.• Weekend HikeFind an easy hiking trail outside the city and spend the day in the fresh air.
"Photo Hunt"
"Photo Hunt"
"Photo Hunt"
Each of us picked the same one, and only afterwards realised it was No. 2's idea, just a walking date with a slight tweak: now there was a clear mission to take pictures together.
It turned out to be easily the most playful hooky of my life. We weren't looking for spots where we wanted to take selfies. Instead, we searched for places where we wanted to photograph the other two. The photographer picked the spot, while the other two struck a pose in the frame. By a tree. Beneath a statue. Near the museum. At the farmers' market. We felt like wide-eyed tourists in our own hometown.