After Christina No. 2's parents had left for work, the two of us were just sitting in the kitchen, staring at opposite walls. We weren't even scared of messing everything up or making a mistake. What terrified us was Christina No. 1's unpredictable reaction. There was no telling whether she'd agree to play along without keeping any aces up her sleeve, whether she'd be honest with us and herself, or, worst of all, what on earth she was going to demand.
Before long, the three of us were crowded into Christina No. 2's room, sitting in a circle of three chairs.
"Oh, I don't know. Just yell at me," Christina No. 2 said, glancing over at No. 1.
"I don't have the energy for this," No. 1 muttered, sounding completely burnt out.
"Well, let's just make out then," I suggested.
"You..." Christina No. 1 let out a heavy sigh, stared at me for a second, and then leaned in anyway. But the kiss came out forced and completely flat.
"Rubbish," No. 2 grumbled.
I'd half-expected No. 1 to headbutt me or at least bite my head off out of sheer spite.
"What did you expect?" No. 1 muttered. "You put me through the wringer this morning, right after I spent all yesterday crying my eyes out..."
"You jumped the gun there. You should've cried just now," No. 2 said, not sounding like herself either. "Come on, hit me. You've obviously got a bone to pick with us."
"You stole my husband."
"Well, go on then, steal him back. You've got the experience. You've got the second husband, not me."
"Christina," I tried to step in, though No. 2 was clearly poking at No. 1's raw nerves on purpose.
"...and up until yesterday, I was completely unkissed," Christina No. 2 finished, then added, "And Alex was a virgin."
"Now that's just offensive," I grumbled. It felt like we were competing over who was more pure and who was more experienced, and I was losing on both fronts.
"You two act like you haven't a clue what's actually happening," No. 1 snapped at us.
Ah, finally. She was angry. I braced myself for a thorough tongue-lashing.
"Right, we haven't a clue," Christina No. 2 agreed, instantly defusing the conflict before it could even start. "I want you to explain what's happening to us and why. Why the hell did your husband decide to find love with me? Why is his kiss with me completely different from his kiss with you? Why the hell did UKARI throw him my way? Why aren't my parents yelling at me? And... I don't know, make something up. Why didn't anyone stop us?"
"Because nobody gives a damn about us," No. 1 started whining. "To them, we're just a 'whoops, computer error'. UKARI doesn't give a toss that I'm terrified of loving anyone now. What good is getting assigned a new husband if I don't even want to kiss anyone anymore...?"
"Wait, so you don't love Alex anymore?" Christina No. 2 concluded out of nowhere.
"I just don't want to go through a breakup again." No. 1's eyes welled up.
"Right! Stop that," No. 2 snapped back, rallying her. "I don't want to either, so I suggest we have a proper barney instead of just rolling over and playing dead. Come on, punch me. At least then I'd have an excuse to pull your hair out."
"No, no, no." I threw my hands up between the two Christinas. "Better hit me. I'm a bloke. Bruises just suit me."
"And what, you think you can just hit us back?" No. 2 grumbled.
"Well, only if it's pretend," I muttered, hoping to break the tension even further by joking that I could smack someone's arse just for a bit of flirting.
"Right, because sleeping around was so pretend," Christina No. 1 cut me off, instantly flashing with anger as she balled her fists in her lap and glared at me.
"Sorry," I mumbled, dropping my chin.
"You know what? Now I'm offended," Christina No. 2 puffed up. "That makes me just a mistake you can casually apologise for? Oh no, Christina, don't you dare forgive him."
"Fine, okay." I lifted my head. "Yes, it's my fault. I messed up with both of you."
"So you knew it was wrong, and you still decided to break our hearts?" No. 1's lower lip trembled.
"Wait, do you not love him anymore?" Christina No. 2 cut in before I could answer. "Then why did you even come here?"
"You're the one who told me not to forgive him!" No. 1 hissed.
"Right, timeout." I could smell a physical fight brewing and threw my hands up between them again.
"I said don't forgive him, I didn't say torture him," No. 2 said, her voice dropping as she let out a shaky sigh. "I need him compos mentis, not a nervous wreck, so you might as well beat me instead. I'm the rotter here. I'm the one who didn't say no. I'm the one who pinched butter from your sandwich."
"There is no butter in sandwiches. And who's the one who pinched his brains, then?" Christina No. 1 leaned back, crossing her arms.
"His brilliant brain, pinched to marry us both. Right?" Christina No. 2 shot me a stern look.
Christina No. 1 turned her eyes on me too, waiting for an answer.
"Yes, I love you both, but UKARI..."
"You can get married without UKARI," No. 2 cut me off before I could finish explaining that that was literally what I meant. "That's not what we're talking about right now."
"Then what are we talking about?" I was completely lost.
"How to sit a major exam in brutal, grown-up life," No. 2 quipped.
"Why is it always me who draws the short straw?" No. 1 grumbled.
"Join the club," No. 2 smirked. "Looks like we've got an extracurricular class instead of a honeymoon."
"Well, at least the class comes with a teacher," No. 1 threw in a dig.
"You're the one who said you don't trust therapists," No. 2 deflected.
"Fine." No. 1 gave in. "Let's sort this out like 'civilised' people."
"Suggestions?"
"We talk it through calmly, figure out who's worse off without him, and leave him to her. If we keep our emotions in check, it might actually work."
"Well, I can roll all my feelings up into a neat little ball and shove them away, but what about you?"
"As you can see, nobody's suffered permanent psychological damage yet," No. 1 said with a tart smile.
"Right, and what if it turns out Alex is more essential to me?" No. 2 stepped back into the ring.
"Then at least I'll get to feel like a noble saviour instead of an absolute mug who trusted her mate, only for her to nick her husband for a laugh," No. 1 sniped.
"I wasn't laughing," No. 2 protested. "I was officially assigned as his wife. I was just..."
"Guys... seriously," I jumped in. "I love you both. Please don't fight. I know I look like the only beneficiary in this whole mess, but isn't there some way we can all make this work together? A way that actually benefits you two as well?"
"If you were an oil sheikh, maybe we could discuss it," No. 2 muttered. "Otherwise, it's just endless compromises, not benefits. Why should I put any effort into this if you're just going to divorce me later?"
"Fair point." I started rubbing my chin, realising I'd thought the exact same thing earlier and wouldn't have lifted a finger for a girl without a UKARI assignment. "But that's literally what your parents were saying. We can't do anything without UKARI. It's like an insurance broker that only protects us if we dance to its tune. Getting married through UKARI is just too convenient. Without it, humanity has completely forgotten how to solve basic life problems."
"As if humanity ever knew how to before UKARI," No. 1 snapped back. "People used to put off marriage until thirty just because there were no perks, and ended up as geriatric mothers."
"I reckon they were just scared," No. 2 countered.
"Of what?" I didn't get it. You could always get married without UKARI. It was just a recommendation, not a conscription order. What on earth was there to be scared of if you both loved each other? They didn't have a real problem, but I actually did. I loved two girls, while the law only let you marry one.
"I don't know. Probably the exact same things we're scared of. Uncertainty, being judged, not being optimal... that's why they kept putting it off until the very last second." No. 2's voice dipped into sadness. "I suppose I'm only brave in theory. If I hadn't had my UKARI assignment, I would've bitten back just like Christina. I'm sorry, Christina. I honestly didn't mean for it to turn out like this. But if you fell in love because of UKARI, why did you think I was any different? I held out until the very last minute too. Just because I'm a bit reckless doesn't mean I'm frigid."
"I didn't think that," No. 1 said, her frown finally fading. "It's just... I don't know. Give me some time to process all of this."