As she stood in the entryway comforting her stepdaughter, her mind was elsewhere.
It wasn’t until Su Zhixi gripped Shen Manci’s hand with forceful strength and asked, “So, what do you plan to do?” that Shen Manci was suddenly pulled back to reality by that warm touch.
Indeed, at this moment, what was to be done?
Ever since reaching adulthood, Shen Manci had experienced countless moments of asking herself “what now.” She had grown accustomed to such situations, adapting to the philosophy of “meeting soldiers with generals and water with earth.”
“I’ll go to the office tomorrow, discuss it with my colleagues, and then make a decision.”
Su Zhixi’s grip on Shen Manci was like a vine clinging to a tree—as if by holding on tight, she could climb upward.
“You should give them the truth. Tell them what they want to know. Isn’t that your job?”
For the first time, Su Zhixi spoke to Shen Manci with mature, grounded logic.
Living together for so long, Su Zhixi had always played the role of the “rebellious,” “unstable,” and “hysterical” child. She could never speak to Shen Manci civilly; she always had to provoke her, to go against her until she was satisfied.
Perhaps the game of pretending to be “Mother” had allowed some feelings to grow between them, but Shen Manci didn’t stop to analyze exactly what kind of emotions were heating up.
“But we haven’t been responsible for this case from the start. Forcing our way in now will only make things messier.”
“But they aren’t looking for a group to deflect responsibility right now; they just want to know the sequence of events.” Su Zhixi’s eyes shone with a bright intensity as she stared firmly at Shen Manci.
“A-Xi, you…” Shen Manci paused, then added: “Are you suddenly saying all this to comfort me just for the sake of those carnival tickets?”
Su Zhixi’s gaze shifted instantly. She let go of Shen Manci and said, “Naturally.”
Shen Manci caught the unease in Su Zhixi’s eyes. She reached out and pulled Su Zhixi’s retreating hand back, taking the carnival tickets from her pocket and placing them in the girl’s soft palm. “If this can ease your anxiety even a little…”
Su Zhixi took the tickets, kneading and crushing them in her palm. She reached out her arms longingly to pull Shen Manci into an embrace.
From her fragmented movements—from that urgent yet cautious touch, the way her skin brushed hurriedly against Shen Manci’s coat, and the emotion inadvertently leaking from the corners of her eyes—Shen Manci realized something.
It was something she had never detected until now.
Since they first met, the Su Zhixi she knew had always projected the image of a “bad kid.” But Shen Manci had never considered whether the original Su Zhixi, the one from long ago, truly possessed such a clumsy personality.
Was Su Zhixi this rebellious in front of her biological mother?
In terms of academics, Su Zhixi had never caused a teacher to call Shen Manci due to poor grades. Even during the Jizhou No. 1 Middle School incident, she had the mental presence to distract the attacker and buy time for others to counterattack. Even just now, analyzing the media and the public, she was perfectly calm.
Perhaps Su Zhixi wasn’t a bad kid at all, but a “good student” disguised as a rebel. On the surface, she was a headache-inducing delinquent, but at her core, she was a “good girl.” This realization made Shen Manci let out an involuntary soft chuckle against Su Zhixi’s neck during the hug.
“What are you laughing at?” Su Zhixi asked, voice laced with indignation.
“My ideal image of a ‘Mother’ isn’t quite like this.”
Shen Manci apologized, tucking a stray hair behind Su Zhixi’s ear. “Sorry, I got distracted. I thought of something funny.”
“What could possibly make you laugh at a time like this?”
“I was thinking about how you used to be in front of your real mother. Su Zhixi, did you act spoiled like this with her too?”
Would she frequently demand a tight hug? Would she ask for a reward-kiss on the forehead after doing something good? Or demand their fingers be interlocked to wipe away her tears when she was anxious?
If Su Zhixi’s mother had provided her with a full and abundant maternal love in the past, Su Zhixi wouldn’t be playing this “substitute” game with a stepmother like Shen Manci—seeking a fake, cliché maternal love from a woman she perceived as a “refined egoist.”
The most likely reality was that Su Zhixi never received the maternal love she fantasized about from her biological mother. In fact, she had probably spent her life playing the “good child” just to earn a scrap of it.
“You used to be very well-behaved, didn’t you?” Shen Manci stated, not as a question, but as a certainty.
Su Zhixi didn’t immediately react to the meaning behind the words. Shen Manci brushed back her bangs, playing with the strands.
“I remember you mentioned you have a younger sister. When your mother was still around, did she favor the sister more?”
As an adult—or rather, as someone who had once stood in the rain herself—Shen Manci looked at Su Zhixi standing in her own downpour and saw a reflection of her past self.
“You were good. You were obedient. You were always playing the part, carrying the weight of the ‘eldest daughter.’ You studied hard to get top grades, you cleaned the house to help your mother; you tried so hard to be a ‘good child’.” Shen Manci let the final words fall softly, like a gentle crush.
“You were always obedient and sensible just so you could get a little more of your mother’s attention and affection,” Shen Manci whispered into Su Zhixi’s ear like a demon, repeating these hurtful truths.
Unfortunately, that warm love never landed on her.
Shen Manci rested her hands on Su Zhixi’s shoulders. She could feel the girl’s body trembling slightly, unable to tell if it was from anger or sorrow.
“No,” Su Zhixi forced out between gritted teeth. Two powerful words, but she could say nothing else.
“No, what?”
Before Shen Manci could finish, the girl spun around, turning her back to her.
“I’m not like what you said…”
Shen Manci moved behind her, embracing her tightly like a lingering ghost.
“No, you are. You have been a good child from the very beginning.”
It was as if she were reaching through a ten-year-thick wall of time to embrace her past self.
“You just wanted to be seen by your mother, so you worked so hard.”
Su Zhixi was very thin; her bones poked against Shen Manci, making the hug almost uncomfortable—just like her own body years ago.
“But, A-Xi, you don’t have to be like that anymore. Because Mother sees you. I can see you now.”
No more need to work harder than other children just to be loved.
Su Zhixi’s shoulder blades pressed against Shen Manci’s collarbone like two pupae about to break their cocoons. Shen Manci felt the tremors accompanied by sharp, shallow breaths. She’s going to cry again, Shen Manci thought.
Shen Manci turned her around, only to see Su Zhixi biting her lip raw, looking at her with a tragic, mocking expression. “You want me to cry, don’t you?”
“You’re saying all this just to admire me—to admire how pathetic, how broken I look. Right, Mommy?”
The way Su Zhixi articulated the word “Mommy” made Shen Manci daze for a moment. Su Zhixi shoved the crumpled tickets into Shen Manci’s hand, as if reminding her that they were still in a game and not to break the rules.
In the moments that followed, Su Zhixi was like a wild animal. She buried her head in Shen Manci’s chest and bit her with resentment—leaving marks on her collarbone, her shoulders… as if venting her hatred, as if a child marking every toy before developing reason.
She used Shen Manci as a total outlet for her rage. She treated her as a substitute for maternal love, and simultaneously hated her as a stand-in for her mother.
As she bit with fury, Shen Manci simply held her with tenderness, enduring the storm of her teeth. The gentle treatment formed a sharp, violent contrast with Shen Manci’s cruel words.
The things Shen Manci had said felt like lava poured over her naked skin, stinging her. With eyes full of tears, she bit again and again until there wasn’t a patch of skin on Shen Manci’s upper body left untouched by teeth marks. Only then did she stop.
She sat astride Shen Manci, watching the woman stare back at her calmly, until Shen Manci pulled her back into her arms once more.
Shen Manci whispered softly: “It was Mother’s fault before. A-Xi, it was all Mother’s fault. From now on, Mother won’t treat you like that anymore.”
At that, Su Zhixi finally broke. She sobbed into Shen Manci’s embrace: “Why did you leave me! Why did you leave me! Was I not good enough? Mommy? Why did you only look at An’an… why did you never notice me? Mommy?”
“Do you love me, Mommy?”
“Can you love me more, like you love An’an? Even just a little bit. Just a little bit.”
Shen Manci soothed her obediently, her hand never stopping its rhythmic stroking.
“Don’t be afraid, A-Xi. Mother is here. Mother isn’t going anywhere.”
“Mother loves you. I love you even more than An’an.”
It felt as though doing this could actually comfort the version of herself buried deep inside, the one also wounded by her original family.
“You are Mother’s favorite person. How could Mother ever leave you, silly child?”
She was merciful, she was gentle—because she was equally base and distorted.
Su Zhixi had never been a rebellious child. On the contrary, before Shen Manci met her, she was as good as a child could be. But Shen Manci’s presence acted as a catalyst. On the surface, Shen Manci was the unaccepted stepmother, the one playing the martyr while being rejected.
In reality, she was the serpent in Eden, tempting Eve to eat the poisonous fruit.
Yes, Su Zhixi. No one in this world loves you. Only I will love you. I will become the image of the mother you desire.
You just need to let it all out. That is enough.