It was just past seven in the evening when Akina finished organizing her documents. Outside the office window, the city lights were flickering on one after another. She powered down her computer and picked up her bag. Arranged neatly on her desk was the project proposal to be submitted first thing tomorrow morning.
“Great work today, Akina-san. You’re heading out early.”
From the desk behind her, Misaki popped her head out. She was two years older than Akina and was a senior colleague who had been kind to her ever since she joined the company.
“Yeah. The proposal finally took shape, so all that’s left is the final check.”
“I see. Don’t push yourself too hard, though. You’re still in your probation period, so if you ruin your health, it’ll all be for nothing.”
Misaki’s words were always laced with warmth. She, too, knew about Akina’s situation. Ever since the hiring interview, she had accepted Akina with full understanding of her background—a newlywed who had lost her husband just a few months after marriage.
“Thank you, Misaki-san. I’m okay.”
Akina put on a smile. It was a perfect smile. Yet Misaki seemed to sense what lay behind it, offering a small, understanding smile of her own as she nodded.
“…Right. See you tomorrow then. Good night.”
“Good night.”
Akina stepped out of the office and boarded the elevator. Her reflection in the mirror looked a bit weary. As usual, the dark circles under her eyes showed no sign of fading. Closing her eyes, she surrendered herself to the sensation of the elevator descending.
Returning to her apartment, she opened the door to find the room dead quiet. An empty space. It had been nearly five months since this became her norm. Even so, every time she took off her shoes at the entrance, a part of her still wanted to say, “I’m home.”
However, there was no one there to hear those words.
Hanging her coat on a hanger, she walked into the living room, where her smartphone was ringing to announce an incoming call. The screen displayed the word “Mom.” She picked up the phone and pressed the answer button.
“Hello, Mom?”
“Akina? Were you able to get home early today?”
Yumiko’s voice sounded somewhat relieved. Akina replied as she sat down on the sofa.
“Yeah. I wrapped up a milestone on my proposal. I just need to hand it in first thing tomorrow, so there was no need to stay late.”
“I see. That’s good. I was thinking… how about the three of us go out for dinner with your father this weekend? I found a wonderful restaurant. It’s a popular Japanese place everyone’s talking about lately, and it’s supposedly almost impossible to get a reservation, but an acquaintance passed off their canceled booking to me.”
Yumiko’s tone was bright. Yet Akina knew that beneath that brightness lay a deep concern for her daughter. Her mother was always like this—disguising her worry as casual conversation to check up on her.
“…Sure, I’ll go.”
“Are you forcing yourself? You’ve looked a bit gaunt lately. When I saw you on video call, your complexion didn’t look good.”
“I’m fine, Mom. I’m eating properly.”
That was a lie. She wasn’t eating properly. But it wasn’t that she couldn’t eat, either. She simply couldn’t find any meaning in eating anymore. No matter what she ate, it tasted like nothing. Even when food was in her mouth, the act of swallowing felt like a chore. Over the past few days, ending the day on a single convenience store rice ball was far from unusual.
On the other end of the line, Yumiko fell silent for a moment. She likely realized her daughter was lying. Even so, she didn’t press her. Instead, she continued gently.
“Akina, are you really doing okay?”
Her mother’s voice trembled ever so slightly. Yumiko was worried about her daughter. Ever since that incident, Akina had been acting as if nothing had happened, but her mother knew what lay beneath that facade. She knew her daughter was forcing a smile, forcing herself to carry on with daily life. She had called Akina countless times and heard her say “I’m fine” just as often. But her mother knew that “I’m fine” was far from the truth.
“…Yeah.”
“If anything happens, call me right away. Anytime is fine. Even in the middle of the night.”
“I know.”
“Promise me, okay? If something comes up, make sure to reach out. Don’t bottle it up alone. I’m always on your side.”
Yumiko’s words were gentle, yet they struck a deep chord in Akina’s heart. After hanging up, she sank into the sofa and sat dazed for a while, her mind blank. The clock in the living room ticked with steady regularity. The sound felt unnaturally loud.
Her gaze came to a rest on the calendar hanging on the wall. Today’s date was marked with a red circle. Their wedding anniversary. In just one week, it would have been a year since they got married. However, that day would never come again.
Looking up at the calendar, she remembered last year. On their wedding day, Takanori had held her hand and said:
“What should we do for our anniversary next year? Should we go on a trip somewhere? Or head back to that restaurant from that day?”
He had laughed happily as he spoke. Gazing at his smile, Akina had savored the joy of knowing she would walk through the rest of her life by his side.
Now, that was nothing more than a memory. Though beautiful, it squeezed her heart with unbearable tightness.
“…It hasn’t even been a year since we got married.”
She spoke to the empty room, letting out a soft, faint laugh. It was a laugh meant to comfort herself. No tears came. She had lost even the strength to cry. In their place was simply a gaping hole deep within her chest that remained there constant. She knew that hole would never be filled.
Leaning back against the sofa, she stared up at the ceiling. Memories of that day flickered through her mind. Takanori’s smile. His warm hands. His gentle voice. Everything felt like a distant past. That day of the fire in a far-off foreign land. He had said, “I’ll definitely come back.” But he never returned. In his place, only his personal belongings came back. A charred bag, a melted wallet, a broken smartphone. Those were all that remained to prove he had existed.
Even so, she was living each day. Perhaps that was what Takanori had left behind for her. He had taught her how to live. Even without him, she had to keep living. Telling herself it was her only way of paying him back, she pushed forward.
Akina stood up and walked toward the kitchen. When she opened the refrigerator, there was almost nothing inside. Only now did she realize she hadn’t even spared the time to go grocery shopping. Sighing, she pulled out some eggs and vegetables, along with leftover rice resting in the freezer. She decided to make a simple fried rice.
Spreading the vegetables across the cutting board, she picked up her knife. The rhythm of the blade against the wood echoed through the quiet room. Regular like her own heartbeat, the sound calmed her down just a little. She drizzled oil into the frying pan and cracked an egg. The yolk broke, and the translucent white spread across the pan. It was just like her heart—formless, watching time simply slip away.
Swirling the pan, she stared down at the ingredients inside. As the vegetables sizzled, a rich aroma rose. It was undeniably the smell of food. Yet to her, that scent felt somehow disconnected, as if it belonged to someone else’s world.
She plated the cooked fried rice and carried it to the table. A single plate. A single pair of chopsticks. Dinner for one. The sight made her catch her breath for a second. Something was missing. His presence. His voice. His cheerful “Itadakimasu.”
Even so, she picked up her chopsticks and brought a bite to her mouth. It tasted like nothing. Still, she chewed and swallowed. It was an act of her own will—a small rebellion in favor of living.
Outside the window, the city lights twinkled quietly. Tomorrow, another new day would begin. Sitting before that plate, she chose to take another bite. She chose to eat. To her, that was today’s step forward.