This was Cecelia’s home? I found it hard to imagine that such a woman had been raised in such a secluded and spiritual looking place. She’d sooner strike me with a mace than strike me as the spiritual type. But she certainly had the uncomfortable reaction to this place that told me a thick history was unfolding once more before her eyes.
“So we make ourselves comfortable here until Teeth can suck all of the magical secrets out of Lucas?” Phern asked in just about the most blunt way possible.
“The rooms are in that left building. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable in one of the rooms. Cornrows needs to room with someone else, I don’t trust that he won’t book it during the night.”
“You can stay with me, love.”
“When presented with bad options, take the least bad I suppose.” Lucas muttered and walked towards the sleeping quarters with Sebil.
Phern stayed behind and walked over to Cecelia. I heard their exchange of words that was most likely only meant for the two of them.
“You gonna say goodbye to him, CiCi?”
“About time I did.”
“Want me to come with?”
“Sure, stump.”
Cecelia’s tone of voice quickly shifted from one of remorse back to a relaxed tone of voice as if nothing had happened at all.
“Bandit, go ahead and wait for me in the building to the right. I gotta take care of something first but I’ll meet you there after, yeah?”
“Sounds good. Uh, good luck I guess.”
She snorted and started walking towards the main temple with Phern. “Thanks, bandit.”
The next thing I knew I was standing in the picturesque courtyard alone.
‘You wound me.’
Mostly alone. There was a sense of serenity that flowed through the air like water in this courtyard. It was the closest I had felt to Varenthell in the past week. For someone who had grown up adjusted to the clean and ritzy interiors of governmental buildings, the walk through the wilderness, Multon, and Thrum had been a jaunt for the side of my brain that thrived on the unknown.
From the sound of it, Cecelia and Phern might be busy for a little while, so I probably had time to wander the ground before waiting for her. It might do me some good to explore for the joy of it rather than the necessity of making distance from Thrum. The entire time we had been travelling over the past two days I had been fighting off the nagging fear that Laia was just behind us, tracking us like a bloodhound that wanted to finish the job. I’d only encountered her two times, but two was more than enough to never want to see her again.
Cecelia had said this place was secluded, however, and I would just need to trust in her. Given that it wasn’t on any maps that I had read in the academy, it was likely that she also had no idea that this place existed. Not relying on a known location meant that she would need to directly track our movements through the mountain. I wasn’t sure exactly how tracking functioned for a Marked that was blind, but if she was able to find us before, it was only smart to imagine that she could do the same thing again. With the combination of rough terrain, the fact she would have departed a day later than us, and that she didn’t have the exact location like Cecelia did, I felt that we at least had a few days of relative safety. There was even the small and merciful possibility that our tracks would fade so much that finding us here would be all but impossible.
My mind drifted back towards the brief interaction between Phern and Cecelia. Him, she said. Was that in reference to her father? That seemed like a possibility, but it provoked the secondary question of why her mother would not have been mentioned. Whoever the ‘him’ was, I was hoping our plans to talk tonight would shed more light on the obscured past of Cecelia Sicaria.
Once I had my fill of exploring the large open area between the three buildings, I entered the building on the right where Cecelia had told me to wait for her. It looked to be a kind of training room. Wooden posts and dummies stood in different positions throughout the room. For somewhere intended for training, it had a distinct lack of padding or any sort of protective equipment. The room felt like it was a place trapped in time. Various weapons were scattered across the floor like a child had been playing with their toys and forgot to clean up. There was everything from rapiers to spears recklessly thrown onto the floor beneath dummies. If this was where Cecelia trained, it was no surprise that she had a mastery of so many different weapons. It looked like a giant had lifted an armory off of the ground and shook its contents onto the floor of this dojo.
‘This would make for an excellent room to instruct someone on the art of violence.’
Any room you find comfortable is automatically crossed off of my list of places to visit.
‘It is because you have only known the sting of paper cuts and stubbed toes until a week ago.’
Did anyone ever tell you that when the truth is hurtful, you can lie instead?
‘Are you afraid of bruising your ego?’
Why would anyone want their ego bruised?
‘Pain forges things into a stronger form. Bruises are a sign of progress.’
You’re weird, Lilith.
“Thanks for waiting, bandit. I just had to deal with something first.”
“Of course.” I gave her a kind smile and watched her cross towards me, trailing a finger along the dusty surface of a dummy’s arm. She sat on the floor next to me, facing the wall across from the entrance. The wall had an idyllic depiction of a beautiful mountain range. A bright sun beamed down upon the range below.
“So I-”
“Do you-?
“-Sorry”
“-My apologies”
The two of us tripped over each other's words after accidentally starting to speak at the first time. I blushed and coughed before quietly muttering.
“You can go first.”
“No I- I think it would be better if you went first.”
I blinked. She must have had some sort of reason for wanting me to go first. I didn’t have a reason not to, so I accepted.
“Right. Where to start?”
“Don’t ask me!”
“Vyra was a friend at the academy.”
“A friend? Or a friend?” She emphasized the second ‘friend’ by nudging my shoulder in a playful manner. I tried my best not to think about the fact that we sat facing the wall in almost the same positions that Vyra and I took on the edge of the bed in my recent memory of her during our first kiss. I once again sat on the right side, with Vy-Cecelia on the left of me. Even down to the fact that we both faced forwards like we were afraid of the very concept of eye contact.
“I’ll get to that, don’t rush me. We were friends in the academy…”
I almost couldn’t believe that I was about to tell this story to another person. These were memories even I didn’t want to remember, not another soul alive had heard what I was about to tell her. Maybe this was ridiculous. Telling someone else about the past wouldn’t rid me of the heartworm that writhed in my chest.
“We don’t have to do this, bandit.”
A hand. On my leg. I looked at Cecelia, confusion flooding my face. To my surprise, she was already facing me. Had she even been looking at the wall in the first place?
I’d done this before. Next she would begin to cry, I would place my hand on her cheek to comfort her, then pull away. She would follow by moving her hand to the back of my head to pull me in for-
“Bandit? Are you okay?”
She hadn’t moved her hand, it just sat gently on my leg to comfort me.
“Yeah, I’m fine. This is just reminding me of a lot of painful memories.”
“I understand. This entire place is coated with memories that I thought I left behind. I’m here with you, though. If it’s truly too much, we don’t have to touch on it.”
This side of Cecelia. The sensitive being that lay stripped bare in her home. It felt like someone I had known for years. How was it possible for my heart to yearn for something I’d yet to have?
“We were friends at the academy. My parents are royals, and Varenthell was simply the best, and therefore only, choice for me to learn.”
Cecelia raised her eyebrow at that.
“They’re… interesting people. I’m sure they mean well, but they’ve always been awfully distant. Anyway, I didn’t have many friends at the academy. But Vyra was different. She had an irresistible kindness that spread to everything she touched. The two of us spent all the time that we could with each other.”
“Sounds like you got on like a house on fire.”
I realized as I continued my story that many of the important details of it revolved around one crucial aspect of my identity that I refused to acknowledge.
“I don’t know how much further I can go.”
“Can I ask why?”
“I would have to tell you about something very personal.”
“That you haven’t told anyone, I take it?”
“Not since Vyra.”
Cecelia seemed to understand the weight of what I was saying. Perhaps she could tell solely through the hesitation and fear that I wore like a badge stuck to my forehead. I certainly wasn’t hiding it well at the moment.
“I won’t make you disclose anything.”
“I can’t tonight. Maybe I’ll finish the story in the next few days, maybe I won’t. The rest of it unfortunately won’t make a lot of sense without it.”
“I understand.” Cecelia slowly pulled her hand off of my leg, smiling as she did so. Everything about her was so inviting at this moment. I could almost swear that her hand started to move towards the back of my head. No.
“I guess it’s my turn, huh?”
“You don’t have to! It wouldn’t be fair considering I didn’t even finish mine.”
“Relax, bandit.”
When I started to open my mouth, she gave me a look as if to say ‘don’t try it’, which killed the words as they came up my throat.
“Let’s see, where do I start?” Cecelia paused, then reached down towards her belt, covering an object on her belt with a hand. It looked like she was rubbing something that was latched onto her belt, though I couldn’t see what past her hand.
“I was 7 when my village was attacked.”
I opened my mouth to ask a question, but she raised a finger to stop me from speaking just yet.
“A Deathless decided to attack, for Gods knows why. I watched it butcher my father and my mother while I did nothing.”
“You were 7! How could you have done anything?”
“My mother trusted me with this”, she moved her hand to reveal a small red cylinder that was clipped to her belt. “It was supposed to help protect her from the Deathless. I… I was too scared to give it to her.”
I returned the favor, softly placing my hand onto Cecelia’s knee leg to comfort her during the story.
“I was orphaned, and full of rage. I heard people talk about an unkillable warrior that lived in a hidden home in the mountains. I pushed myself to his doorstep outside in the middle of winter. I was stupid, full of an anger that burned away the cold, and I had nothing to lose. The man took me in to prevent me from succumbing to hypothermia. I learned his name was Ffenton.”
I took a moment to look back towards the courtyard. The image of a child Cecelia pushing her way up the mountain during winter was horrifying. The journey was uncomfortable for adults in the summer, there was no telling how lucky she had gotten by not dying on the way.
“The moment I recovered, he told me to leave. I stood my ground, so he forced me out of the front gate. I was so stubborn that I stayed outside of the front gate. When it was clear I would stay until I either died or let in, he relented. I told him why I sought him. I wanted him to turn me into the strongest warrior that he could so that I would be able to exterminate every last Deathless from the earth.”
I felt myself tense up as she told the story. The image of a 7 year old with that much rage was unsettling.
“He refused. When I begged him, he eventually told me that he would teach me, only if I was willing to learn the full extent of his lessons. I was a child with only one thing on my mind. Revenge would be mine if I only accepted his terms, so I did. He put me through hell. The most grueling training that you could imagine. Looking back on it, none of it was safe for a 7 year old to participate. I only realized when I was older that he had no intentions of continuing to train me. Each lesson was designed to break me so that I would leave. I never did.”
Cecelia turned to face me, and our eyes locked. The new information made this dojo feel different. What seemed like an adults training room had instead been a child’s torture to turn them away from the path of revenge.
“He taught me for 10 years. As the years went by, he became more of a father than my own had ever been. He was cruel, but he had an undying love for me that only grew as I did. I found out when I was older than he never had a child of his own despite always wanting to have a kid of his own. I filled the childed shaped hole in his heart, as he filled the empty void where my parents had been.”
Him. That must have been Ffenton. That must have meant he passed since then.
“Everything I learned in those ten years was for one purpose. I studied everything about Deathless that I could. The only thing I could think about for a decade was becoming strong enough to kill every single Deathless in Kistram. Ffenton hated my rage. He always told me that if I did not contain it, I would be consumed by it.”
Cecilia paused her story for a few minutes, the beginnings of tears forming in the sides of her eyes.
“In my tenth year of instruction, I discovered that Ffenton was a Deathless.”
The breath that she took upon finishing the sentence illustrated just how hard it had been to get it out.
“I was outraged. He was everything I hated in the world. The father that came into my life was the same type of beast that had killed my real parents. I-I… I killed him as soon as I found out. He was right that my rage would consume me. I used the pain and anger to become a Life Hunter for the next 7 years. In that time I killed countless Deathless, hoping that each one I put down like a dog would make me feel better. I never want to be that person again. I was nothing but wrath wrapped in the guise of a human.”
We sat in the silence of the dojo for anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours.
“What changed? You said you aren’t a Life Hunter anymore.”
“A story for another time. Needless to say, I’m much better when I am in control of myself. I never want to be fueled by such hate again.”
I slid my hand off of her leg, moving it towards her arm to gently squeeze her bicep and whisper.
“You are what your past has made you. For what it’s worth, I like the person that’s in front of me now.”
Cecelia turned to me and smiled. She moved the arm that I held outwards to place a hand on my shoulder.
“I appreciate it, bandit. Maybe it’s the new ears, but you’re one hell of a listener.”
I cocked my head to the side. “New ears?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice, button nose.”
She took my left hand in her right hand and moved it towards the side of my head. She guided my hand to a strange black leathery appendage that protruded from the side of my head, above where my normal ears were, but seemingly having replaced them as my normal ears were nowhere to be felt.
“What the fuck?” I let out through breathy amazement. Just how long has this change been there? The black ears might have blended in with my hair somewhat, but had I really missed them entirely earlier?
“I think they’re cute.” Cecelia whispered, slowly crawling her hand off of my own and on to the ears. Her touch sent shivers down my spine as her fingers trailed along their form. Gods they were sensitive. I made a mental note to explore the biological advantages that these ears would have evolved in order to benefit Deathless.
I felt myself stiffen as her hands left my ears and moved towards the back of my head. Her fingers intertwined with my hair so naturally one would think they belonged there in the first place. I felt a familiar series of events unfold before me as a slight pressure on the back of my head signaled me to lean forward towards Cecelia. I closed my eyes as I got closer to her. So many thoughts raced through my mind as the space between us closed. I could smell my dorm room, I could taste the distant fire of Vyra’s lips. All of it melted away as my lips met Cecelia’s. Her lips tasted eerily familiar to Vyra, but instead of flames, there was the hint of charred wood that hit my senses. The simple action of a kiss felt like it lasted a year. Maybe I just wanted it to last a year. Our lips parted and reunited three more times before I pulled away from Cecelia.
“I-I’m sorry, I thought you wanted..?” Cecelia started.
“I don’t- no I do! But I can’t. This is all too much! I-I… shit. I’m sorry.” I stumbled through my words like I had tripped down a hill and ran into all of the letters of my sentence on the way down. I quickly stood up from the hard floor of the training room and walked towards the open doors that led to the courtyard. I couldn’t bring myself to even look back at her as I ran across towards the room to find a private place to hide myself. My nose twitched and burned as the scent of regret and betrayal lingered in the air. Was that mine, or Cecelia’s?
I shouldn’t have let that happen. Cecelia would never forgive me when I told her about my secret. A man that dressed up as a woman and got the only woman he ever loved killed was not a man that should be involved with anyone. She was making a mistake. I needed to fix it for her by pulling away before she got burned. If her unique scent was anything to go on, enough flames had licked her in the past. I wasn’t going to make it more.