“...are you serious?” Vyra looked at me like I was crazy. I felt crazy.
“Don’t- We either do it now or I won’t do it at all.” I sat at the edge of her bed, my hands gripping each other like I could kill my fear if I only squeezed harder. I had been shaking quite visibly as I waited for an answer. My brain was scrambling desperately for the smallest reason to hold on to as an excuse to stand from the bed and run out of the room.
“Oh, okay! Let’s do it then!” Vyra excitedly launched herself off of the bed and moved to her closet.
Vyra had been back at Varenthell for only two weeks, but already things felt like they had almost returned to normal. Almost being the keyword in the statement. The curfew in place for the ongoing investigation had become even more strict. Vyra had chosen possibly the worst time to return to the academy. Another student had been found dead a few days before she showed up at my doorstep. Due to the body count rising to two students, we had a constant presence of guards stationed in every hallway. They were as oppressive as you could possibly imagine, questioning nearly everyone that walked the halls their reason for leaving the dorms.
That wasn’t the only thing that felt different. In the entire two weeks of us spending time with each other, we deliberately met up in my dorm room instead of hers. Until today, that was.
It felt strange to be sitting on the edge of her bed once more. The last time I was here felt like a lifetime ago. The room felt like the warmth of happy memories had been coated with the varnish of time. I was struggling to even sit still in her dorm room, all of the times we spent in this room with me as Ester gnawed at me.
I couldn’t believe what I had just said to Vyra, but now that it had left my mouth, there wasn’t any turning around.
“I want to try being Ester again.”
It came out my mouth like an arm had pulled it out from my stomach, through my throat, and out of my mouth. Sure, it was how I felt, but if I had learned anything in the past 3 months when Vyra was gone, it was that feelings came second to the reality in front of me.
“You uh… don’t happen to have the uniform in your room, do you?”
I could tell how much difficulty Vyra was having being around me in the past two weeks. We relished the return to our regular hangouts in a dorm room, but a gaping hole sat between the two of us. My name.
Vyra refused to use the name Xavier. I didn’t want her to use the name Ester. So she was presented with the difficult situation of having to work around addressing me in any way that she could. I could see how hard it was on her, each time an awkward pause would take the place of a name made brought a solemness across her face.
“No. I-I. I ripped it up.”
“Bit extreme.”
“I’m sorr-”
“Can it, weirdo. I said it was your uniform, you can do whatever you want to your own clothes.”
Vyra was handling me like an unstable magical core. You were taught in classes that when a magical core was displaced from a creature, it would grow unstable at the smallest movement. It took an incredible amount of care and gentle movements to transport one to prevent an eruption. I was that core, and I could almost feel her hands slowly moving me with her words when we talked. She was afraid to cause an eruption, and I was afraid to erupt and relapse into my solipsistic bed rotting that I had done in her absence.
“It just means that we’re gonna have to use some of my non-school clothes. It’ll be fun!”
I just smiled back at her, the warmth in her words making me start to question why I had even been so scared to enter this room.
“Come on over, weirdo, let’s get you dressed up, yeah?”
Vyra pulled me to the closet, and over the next thirty minutes she helped me pick clothes that would go well together, did my makeup with a rapid precision, and attempted to style my hair that was now much harder to style due to the missing length.
The end result that was shown to me in her bathroom mirror made the dam break. What began as a seemingly endless stream of tears and gross sobs evolved into a collection of heartfelt laughs between the two of us.
Returning to Ester felt like the most pleasant bath I’d ever taken after a cold day outdoors. Vyra, upon realizing that the core she held in her hands had become stable, even took the time to tease me. It almost felt like the two of us were back to our dynamic from 4-5 months ago.
“Does this mean she’s back…?”
“Ester?”
“Daniella. No, of course Ester! Who else would I be talking about!”
The two of us laughed as we laid on our backs in the warm piles of blankets that were strewn about her bed.
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“I wish that I never had to leave this room. I wish that Ester could subsume Xavier and let me live the life I always wanted.”
“I hate that you speak about things in wishes and hopes. You’ve resolved yourself to impossibilities because you don’t want to think of them as possible.”
“You always talk about things like you’ve the power to mold reality to your will!”
“What can’t you change? Just say it!”
“I can’t be a girl! How many times will I have to tell you for you to understand?”
“Why not?!”
I sat with her words ringing in my ears. The question she posed was not one that I wanted to consider. Why not? Because that wasn’t how it worked! We’re being educated in the finest institution this Empire has to offer, and everything that I have ever looked at describes changing one’s gender to be an impossibility. I had always thought it strange considering the concepts taught in transfiguration classes were that we should treat things that we changed as what they had become, not what they were. That made sense, of course. You wouldn’t claim a sword that was plunging into your chest was still a horseshoe just because you watched a mage transform it. At the end of the day, you still had a sword in your chest, and you’d do well to acknowledge that. But when it came to any sort of gendered characteristic, the books taught that it was simply illusionary in nature.
“I…I don’t know.”
“People change, Ester. You aren’t the same student I met years ago. If other parts of you can change, why can’t that part change?”
The two of us lingered in the ensuing silence. I noticed that after a minute of silence, Vyra’s hand had found mine and wrapped around it.
“Do you really think that can change?”
“Hasn’t it already? In this room, when you’re Ester, you are all you’ve ever wanted to be! You look the happiest, and most confident, when you stand before me as her. The only thing stopping you from being her full time is yourself.”
“Being Ester in this room, and being Ester outside of this room are two very different things. I’m not strong enough to face the world outside.”
“Then I’ll help you. Every step of the way.”
I sat up on the bed to look down at her. She had to be kidding, right? If she tied herself to me every step of the way she would only receive the same amount of ridicule that I would. What kind of person would sign themselves up for that? I watched Vyra sit up on the bed next to me and smirk.
“For a price, of course.”
Oh. That must be why she’s so willing to help me.
“You’d have to be my girlfriend.” She smiled and poked my chest with her finger.
“...what?”
“You heard me. I wanna be your girlfriend.”
“But you said that I would be the girlfriend.”
“For a scholar you can be really stupid sometimes.”
I frowned at her.
“We’d both be each other’s girlfriends, you dope.”
I let out a nearly inaudible ‘oh’ when she had spelled it out for me in painstakingly obvious details. Maybe I was stupid.
“If that’s not too much to ask, Ester.”
Her tone dropped from a playful reverie to a seriousness that I had rarely seen from her. The way she looked at me made me feel like her entire heart was beating in my hands. She waited for an answer so intently that it made me feel like a terrible person for even hesitating.
Was I ready to throw all of my caution to the wind? This wasn’t just a commitment to return to being Ester. This was a fundamental change in my life, one that I wouldn’t be making alone. I had feelings for Vyra dating back years, but early on in our friendship she had made it very clear that she was a lesbian. That was fine with me, of course, her friendship was already the best thing to ever happen to me, I wasn’t bitter about not having more. But it didn’t sound like she was asking this as a joke. She was dead serious about wanting to be with me. Our kiss had been one thing. Something I wrote off as some kind of intense declaration of her love for me as a friend but-
On second thought, Vyra was right. I really was stupid.
She meant it then. Not only that she wanted to help me, but also that she had feelings for me. If she had feelings for me then that meant she viewed me as a-
“Girlfriends, then.” I responded softly, giving her a full smile.
The way her face lit up was extraordinary. It was like I had just watched a person win the lottery. She tackled me down onto the bed with a hug tight enough to threaten my ribs to give way. I remember the way that she looked down at me when she had finally pulled away from me. I remember the tender moment we shared as she leaned down for a kiss. I remember how the night morphed into an unforgettable array of thrown clothes and sweat stained blankets.
Like a Heartworm, the memories ached in my chest.
I had fallen asleep in one of the secluded rooms in the building to the left of the main building. I laid awake in bed the previous night, hoping that maybe Cecelia would come into my room to reignite our conversation and I could apologize to her. But the idea of talking to her now filled me with so much dread I couldn't even bear to open the door to the room to leave.
I stood by the door to my room and focused on my senses, hoping to piece together the locations of the other members of our group. I could smell a distant mixture of scents from the nearby room. An electricity soaked in oil, that I knew to be Sebil from the times I had opened myself to my senses on our walk up the mountain. The other scent from the room wafted to my nose with a reminiscent quality. It was the scent of flowers that I had only ever seen in Varenthell, that must have been Lucas. I hated that he smelled like the flowers in the academy.
The other scent from the next room over was an intense and cloying spice. It smelled like you dumped an entire spice cabinet into a pot and then threw the pot onto the ground. It had to be Phern, the spices were too familiar, and were much like the ones I smelled in the tent. The only scent that I wasn’t able to pick up on was the campfire scent of Cecelia. Was she not in the rooms?
I suppose that meant it was safe to leave the room without her being immediately outside. It was still relatively early in the morning when I left my room. I could hear shuffling from inside of the other rooms that I walked past, but judging by the grunts and murmurs people had only now began to wake up. I walked over to the gate of the estate, pushing open the door with little difficulty. I could hunt in peace, without having to worry about seeing Cecelia at breakfast and confronting the awful way that I had left her the previous night. I knew it was for her own good, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
‘You are a fascinating creature.’
The vagueness of Lilith’s statement sent my hair on end as I shifted into my shadow form to prepare my morning hunt. Since I wanted to be out of the estate as much as possible after last night, I might as well hunt a number of different animals. They wouldn’t be as fresh for lunch and dinner, but it would kill a few birds with one…claw?
‘It won’t be long before you reach the mid-point between the two of us.’
What makes you say that?
‘Your memories aren’t as obscured anymore.’
I froze mid prowl. Had she seen my dream last night? If she did, then…did she know?
‘About Ester, darling?’
Stop it, Lilith. I can’t do this now, I can’t think about it. I needed to shut her down before the conversation even started.
‘Can’t do it now? I think I’m starting to understand you, morsel. Just how many days have you told yourself that you can’t do it now? How many false promises have you committed to your heart to delay your nature?’
Nothing is natural about it, Lilith. Stop this now.
I focused on my hunt, letting the smells of the nearby creature fill my lungs and set my instincts on fire. The more my heart burned for the thrill of the hunt, the less it could hurt from the Heartworm that afflicted it.
‘You think me foolish? That I cannot put pieces of your mind, your behavior, and your nature together?’
I ignored Lilith, focusing on the scent of gourlash nearby. The animal was smaller than a caritune, but designed for the mountainous environment that it lived in. Thick, refined horns, with sleek white fur that spread all the way down to the cloven hooves of the beast. Enough meat on its bones, and enough fight in its heart to satisfy me.
‘In isolation, I wrote them off as strange occurrences most likely sourced from our unique circumstances. The form you take when you transform has always been distinctly feminine, fledgling.’
My hunt was beautifully short and full of adrenaline. I roared at the gourlash from a distance to alert it of my presence. I wanted the chase. A chase was not exactly what I got, the gourlash apparently deciding that I was a beast to me trifled with. The animal lowered its head to show its brilliantly sharpened horns that had been ground into weapons by the nearby rocks.
‘I thought it was because of me. That the closer your form took to a true Deathless, the more you would resemble me, explaining the more slender form, the breasts, the beginnings of a heart-shaped tail.’
I let the animal believe it had a chance, feeling the refreshing pulse of pain blossoming from my chest where the gourlash had pierced my skin between my ribs and beneath my heart. The pain was a beautiful distraction from the words the Lilith was incessantly badgering me with.
‘Yet I stand corrected! You weren’t becoming more like me when you transformed, you were becoming more like yourself. A Deathless is a creature of intent. Each one takes on features closest to their own identity. That presents an uncomfortable truth for you now doesn’t it?’
When the gourlash ripped his horns from out of my chest, I wrapped a clawed hand around one of its horns to lift its head back. With a ruthless swipe, the creature's neck had been severed from the rest of its body. More than I had intended when I started this fight. I might not have gone so overboard if Lilith wasn’t making every part of my body writhe in anger.
‘My little morsel has finished her meal. You will have to listen to me eventually.’
“Shut the fuck up! You are a fate worse than death! I couldn’t have died a simple death, the Gods had to curse me with the most insufferable demon to torment my every thought!” My body heaved in anger, and my voice writhed with a hatred that caused me to sound more like an animal than I had ever sounded before.
‘I was cursed to live in the most pathetic excuse of a human! It only took one memory of yours to see you for what you are. A dog! So beaten and bruised by life that you’ve become an unrealized shell of the person that you could be.’
“You know nothing about me! You hold nothing but hate for everyone but yourself!”
‘I know that you refuse to realize your true nature! I can see clear as day that you repress your identity with every fiber of your being. I can practically see your hands wringing the life out of Ester out of nothing but fear.’
“Do NOT use that name!”
I screamed so loud that it felt like life left the forest around me. A crushing silence permeated the area, broken up only by the dripping of blood from the gourlash’s head that I held out above the ground. Seething anger boiled my blood and forced tears out of my eyes.
‘You are right, morsel. I hold hate for everything in this miserable world, but myself. But you hold a world's worth of hate for nothing but yourself.’
I wanted nothing more than to plunge my claws into my heart. The heart that pumped a fiery blood of wrath though my body. I hated Lilith. I hated that she was right. There was nothing in the world that I hated more than Xavier.
Something in me snapped. The hatred in my heart had boiled over into everything that I was. It was a venom, and I needed it out. I spurned the world and all it had given and taken from me. I slammed my fists into the ground, over and over, with all the might that I could muster. I was pretty sure that at some point in the process I had broken both of my hands, as they knitted back together during the time I took to pause.
The final slam into the ground met liquid instead of the dirt I had been hitting. I opened my eyes to see blood. I was knelt in a pool of blood inside of the small crater I had dug for myself in my anger. I looked around to see that the blood was being pulled into the pool from all around. There must have been over twenty small streams of blood that trickled towards my body to create a pool deep enough for my legs to be completely submerged as I knelt.
‘An idiot you may be, but one with shocking potential.’
What do you mean?
‘Why do you think this area of the forest has grown silent, fledgling?’
I scared the animals away?
‘You killed them, darling. Teaching you blood magic has risen greatly on my list of priorities. You are fortunate we are distant enough from the estate to not worry about your allies having the blood ripped from their bodies like the poor creatures here.’
Blood ripped from their bodies? Had I done that in my anger?
‘Yes, my little morsel. Which means you need to stabilize your emotions before you head back to the estate. If you have the capability of wielding an untrained form of magic when experiencing intense emotions, there’s no telling what you might unintentionally do.’
I’m sorry for what I said. About you, I mean. You were right about me.
‘Of course I know that I’m right dear. That girl was also right, the one from your memory. Vyra, was it?’
Yes. Vyra.
‘You used to be a human, you are no longer. If that part of a person can change, why not others?’
I wish it was that simple.
‘Isn’t it? You think yourself cursed by life. The way I see it, you’ve been given a unique opportunity to be the person you always wanted to be.’
What do you mean?
‘Look at yourself, darling. Each day you look more like a woman. Soon enough it will be utterly ridiculous to claim that you are still a man. Especially when you do not wish to be one.’
Why do you even care? My identity has nothing to do with you getting your body back.
‘Because I tried to kill the person I wished to be, much like you have tried to. It will not work, fledgling, let me assure you. You must accept your nature.’
All of this talk of nature. Why are you so obsessed with that?
‘As I spoke of before, Deathless are beings of intent. Their forms are created to be the culmination of their identities. You can lie to others, my little morsel. But you cannot lie to yourself.’
I looked down at my body. I was still wreathed in shadows, having never let the transformation drop since I began my hunt. If a Deathless took the form of their true identity as Lilith had said, then I had a lot to consider about myself.
I had been gone from the estate long enough already. I should head back. I was forced to hunt once more for my food, as the fiasco with the unintentional blood magic has drained the blood from all surrounding animals, leaving them as piles of skin, the very opposite of a nutritional meal. When I hunted the second time, I did so in a much better state of mind. Rather than irrational anger and repression, I hunted with a deep consideration of myself.
I hated admitting when Lilith was right, especially because she would almost always come into my mind to applaud herself for me thinking such a thing. But when it came to what she said earlier, I couldn’t deny it. There wasn’t much to love about my new life, but each time I looked in the mirror in the morning to gaze at myself, it had given me a small twinge of joy. Perhaps being Ester again would be easier than I thought it would?
All of that relied on my ability to confront Cecelia once more to tell her the rest of my story. The very idea of doing such a thing made me want to spiral back into the negative emotions that latched onto me like barnacles this morning. Talking to Cecelia filled me with so much anxiety that I threatened to throw up my morning meal of a second unfortunate gourlash. Maybe if I avoided her for today I could work up the nerve to speak to her again.
I approached the door in the center of the gate leading to the estate. I was certain I would have to tell some story to excuse my absence from the estate for so long. Oh well, I could spin up some sort of lie and be on my way to hide in my room. I pushed the door open and stepped into the estate.
“Hey bandit.”
Shit.