“Have a nice breakfast?”
“Yep.”
“Is that lunch and dinner in your hands?” Cecelia gestured to the two hares I held in each hand.
“Yep.”
“Is that all you’re gonna say to me?”
“Ye- I mean… no?”
“I heard a scream.”
“Oh, uh. That was me.”
“Yeah, I know, bandit. No animals make that kind of sound around here. Are you okay?”
“I think so?”
“You think so?”
“No, I am. Okay, I mean. I’m okay.”
“Okay.”
“I’m gonna drop these off in my room, okay?
“Okay.”
I awkwardly walked past Cecelia and picked up my pace to make it to my room as soon as I could. Fuck! What was that?
‘Pathetic, is what it was. You should take up fishing with how much you can flounder.’
Ha ha. What the fuck was I suppose to say? ‘Hey, sorry for freaking out on you the other night and ruining our first kiss but I think I might be a girl actually’?
‘First kiss? You plan on there being more?’
No! I mean, that would be nice, but that’s not what I meant!
‘I have never seen a biologically perfected killer be so pathetic. You are an amazing specimen.’
After setting my initial nerves at ease within the comforts of my own room, I curled up into a ball on the extremely low-set bed that was in each of the bedrooms. What do I even do about these feelings? I’d spent so long trying to keep them at bay, that it took a concerted effort not to freak out at the idea that I wasn’t pushing them away from me. But the more I thought about jumping right into the pond of emotions and bathing in the changes I had dreamed about in the sour nights of the academy, the more I felt my nerves return to set my hands shaking. Slow then. I would take it slow.
Unraveling the lifetime of experience I had that told me I could never become the person I wanted to me was difficult. The resonant memories of my parents telling me exactly what they wanted from a son permeated my thoughts. ‘Strong, masculine, tough, top of his class.’ I couldn’t reach their expectations as their son, there was no telling how much worse it would be if I removed the barest essential part of being their son by no longer being a son at all. What did they think of me, anyway? I had to assume that they were told about my disappearance shortly after the ritual. Did they know my soul was pulled from my body, or were they simply told that I had died. A selfish part of me wanted to head straight for Varenthell just to find out if I even had a funeral. Was there a minimum guest requirement for a funeral? If there was, I doubt I’d have reached it.
I’d find out eventually, no point worrying about it now. I needed something to occupy my mind. Something other than my gender, other than my parents, other than Cecelia, and other than the heartworm that writhed in my chest.
Lilith, teach me blood magic.
‘Tsk. Not even a please?’
Please teach me blood magic?
‘I ought to have you beg.’
You ought to?
‘I’m teaching you regardless of how much you bed, though I would appreciate the act. If I leave you untrained after that stunt you just pulled, there’s no telling what kind of harm you can bring.’
Oh. Thanks, Lilith.
‘No begging?’
You said I didn’t have to!
‘Whatever. Go to the dojo.’
I did as she said, rolling off of the bed onto the ground in a lazy fashion. I picked myself up and let out a sigh as I slid the thin door open. I stepped out of my door and-
“Pebblestink!” Phern yelped.
“Ah, fuck! Where did you come from?!” I lept backwards, realizing that her expletive (was pebblestink an expletive?) had been due to me stepping on her foot. Had she just been standing outside of my door waiting for me to come out?
“I had just been standing outside of your door waiting for you to come out!”
Oh. Guess so.
“Why?”
“Because something is wrong with you of course!”
I raised an eyebrow at the half-elf woman, wondering what exactly she was referring to. Given how many things had been going on in my head in the past day or two, there were about five different things ‘wrong with me’ that she could say.
“Like what?” I asked, waiting for the long winded answer that I was almost certain would be coming shortly. Phern had started out as an extremely difficult person to pin down when I first met her, naming dead bodies, claiming her gut just ‘knew’ things, and throwing together everything including the kitchen sink into performing spells. The more I had gotten to know the woman in the past nine days, the more I understood the unexpected was what you needed to expect from her. Once you turned your brain around to fit that, things started to fall into place.
“Something happened between you and Cecelia! I knew she went to meet you late last night and then when she never showed up to our room I went out looking for her and she was crying in the dojo but was extremely vague about what happened saying ‘it's not my right to tell’ or whateva but clearly something did happen so what is it?”
One breath. She had gotten the entire sentence out in one breath.
“Oh. So you know that we talked?”
“Yuhuh, and I wanna know what you said to make her sad! I swear I will stuff you in the flabblebog if you hurt her!”
“Woah, hold on! I-I didn’t hurt her!” I rethought what I had just said. It definitely seemed like I hurt her when I ran away. “...okay maybe I hurt her a little bit.”
Phern’s eyes widened and she raised up her hands. Before she had a chance to do anything to me I blurted out a follow up.
“I didn’t mean to! I-I just got scared, and I didn’t know what to do, so I ran away while we were talking.”
Phern just looked at me for a moment. I realized after waiting that she was most likely evaluating me with her ‘gut’ in order to confirm if I was telling the truth. I was, thankfully. It was a good thing I never had a reason to lie to Phern yet, that knack was scary.
“Why did you get scared?”
“Uh, she kissed me. Then I kissed her. We kissed.”
“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh it was just like my dream!”
“Excuse me?”
“I had a dream the first night that we met you where you and Cecelia fell in love and kissed and then when she lost her arm in a big battle you ripped your arm off to give to her and it was like super romantic and then the two of you blew up the entirety of the Varenthell Academy with super big magical wards and then you kissed while the academy exploded behind you with lots of fire! …Cecelia was annoyed when I first told her about that.”
“...right. I wouldn’t say it was ‘just like your dream’. In fact the only similarity is that we kissed.”
“That’s a huge similarity though!”
“In a story where we destroyed the entirety of Varenthell, I’d say it’s pretty small.”
Phern pushed herself up on her tippy toes to stare directly into my eyes with her almost glowing yellow eyes. She closed her left eye and stared at my eyes with only her right eye like she was searching for cataracts.
“If you kissed each other, why did you run away like a little bitch?” She smirked.
“Wha- Hey! Says the spiced up cinnamon stick covered in mud!”
“Least m’not a messy eater with floppy ears!”
Silence. The two of us broke into laughter, hers much more enthusiastic than mine was. It almost felt natural for the two of us to poke and prod each other like we had done it a million times before. After our laughter faded, an awkward silence started to rise like a layer of smoke in the room.
“I don’t think she wants to kiss the real me…”
“What does that mean?”
“I-” I took a deep breath and continued. “I’m not even sure, myself. I’m kind of figuring that out right now. I feel like I’ve kept too much from her. The kiss felt like I had deceived her into it by being someone I’m not.”
“I know CiCi, and I know she wouldn’t kiss someone unless she was certain it was what she wanted. You might be an okay liar, Teeth, but you aren’t a good enough one to have tricked her into liking someone that you’re not.”
Phern’s words filled me with a greater sense of peace. Nobody seemed to know Cecelia as well as Phern, so it was probably a good idea to trust her words. The more it was explained to me, the worse I felt about leaving her in the dojo. I thought I was doing a necessary evil. Trying to stem the pain before it blossomed into something greater. A part of me still worried that confiding in my past with Cecelia would ruin everything we had, but I suppose it was better that way anyway. I’d rather her know who I used to be, and who I wanted to be in the future to decide what she thought of me.
“Thanks, Phern. Or… stump? Where did that come from?”
“Oh, that. It started when we first met. Good story, you should ask her about it sometime.”
“Will do. I’m gonna hang out in the dojo for a little bit, maybe work up the nerve to talk to Cecelia later.”
“Sounds great! Just remember what I said I’d do to you if you hurt her!”
I laughed at her joke. At least, I think it was a joke. Phern had not started laughing. Maybe it wasn’t a joke?
I made it to the dojo, which was thankfully empty when I arrived. I knew it was best to talk to Cecelia today, but I’d rather that be as late today as possible. The idea of speaking when all I could think about was our kiss was not comforting.
‘Are you actually willing to be taught by me?’
Who else would I learn this from? You think Sebil has studied Deathless blood magic or something?
‘I wouldn’t put it past that man to steal more from the Deathless.’
More? Interesting. I’m willing to do what it takes to learn, just take it easy on me. I haven’t done much spellcasting.
‘I will not take it easy on you. You will not learn if you are not challenged.’
Fine. Challenge me, then. How do I start?
‘Get rid of one of your fingers.’
What?! Why?!
‘You need blood for blood magic, morsel. Why else? Your body is an endless source of blood and body parts if you can stay nourished. So get to it, cut it off, rip it off, chew it off, I don’t care.’
Seems she was very intent on challenging me like she had said. I had no other choice if I wanted to learn this magic. Not learning it was also no longer an option with the idea that I might accidentally hurt someone in my party if I remained an amateur. The only person I was willing to accidentally hurt was Lucas.
I decided the least painful way to rid myself of a finger was some sort of sharp implement, so I looked around the room at the discarded weapons to grab a curved dagger. What had my life come to that I was sitting inside a dojo at the top of a mountain range slicing my pinkie finger off?
Once I had closed my eyes and severed my finger, Lilith resumed her instruction.
‘Good. Blood magic is innate casting, meaning you require an emotion to fuel the magic. With practice, you can use a variety of emotions to fuel the casting. We will start with anger, however, since that seems the most potent for you based on the incident earlier.’
The idea of using anger to power my magic unsettled me. It was only last night that Cecelia had told me the story of how becoming consumed by hate had turned her into a spiteful being that she regretted ever being. It should be fine if I kept a handle on it, like Cecelia had managed to do with her calming method she showed me.
‘Start simple. I want you to control the blood that has spilled onto the ground and raise it into the air.’
Sounded simple enough. I concentrated on the blood, imagining it collecting itself from the floor of the dojo and moving into the air. When I opened my eyes, nothing had happened. Anger, right. I had forgotten to utilize the emotion entirely, relying instinctively on the methods of learned casting. I closed my eyes, and repeated the actions, this time letting the anger of the morning move into my heart and power the movements I made. When I opened my eyes, nothing had happened yet again.
‘Hmm. Let me try something else. You seem to share a source of magic with me, explaining why you are capable of utilizing blood magic, a rare sect of magic for a Deathless to have. Try to think like I do when you cast.’
By hating everything and being vain?
‘Fuck you, and no. I mean take a moment to feel the essence that radiates off of the blood on the ground. If you focus on it, you’ll start to feel how it almost feels like an extension of your own body. A third arm, disconnected from your body.’
I focused on the blood. It took quite a while before I started to understand what Lilith had been talking about. As soon as I started to discount her words as complete bullshit, I noticed the kind of strange connection to the blood. It wasn’t connected to me while it sat pooling on the ground, and yet it still felt like it was a part of me. I tried to lean into that feeling, grabbing onto the feeling of connection with the blood, when I felt something click. Lilith was right. The blood on the ground felt like it was a distant appendage. Like someone had lopped off my arm and moved it away from my body, but then tied a string to the arm and wrapped the other end around the stump of my shoulder. A grim comparison, I know, but that’s the closest I could get to describing the strange feeling. Once I had made that realization, moving the blood on the ground into the air in front of me felt trivial.
“Woah. Gods that feels strange”
‘Now solidify it into… a circle.’
“Mind explaining how?”
‘Must I explain everything to you, little morsel?’
“That’s quite literally what a teacher does, yes”
‘Ugh, fine. Imagine the phantom limb that you feel. Relaxed, the blood is normal. If you tense the arm like you would a muscle, it will solidify.’
It seemed to make sense once Lilith explained it. I contorted the phantom limb into a circular shape, a mind boggling sensation for someone who was only used to physical limbs that had limitations in how they could move due to the bones within them. Instead, this was like maneuvering an arm that lacked any bones whatsoever, yet was still as flexible as ever. Once I had moved the blood into a circle, I tensed the invisible muscle and the blood instantly coagulated and coalesced into a solidified substance that almost looked crystalized.
‘Good. You have some of the basics within your understanding. The advanced techniques are what will actually help you within combat. I can teach you those at a later date. Eventually, you will be able to draw blood from your enemies to make yourself even more deadly. Draw more blood, you become more dangerous to draw even more. It’s a vicious cycle that not many can escape.’
“Gods that sounds scary.”
“Who are you talking to, bandit?”
Cecelia was leaning up against the open sliding doors that led to the courtyard. She looked at me with the same cold facade that I saw the first time I had met her outside of the church. I quelled the knee-jerk reaction to run out of the door and back to my room. The way that she looked at me felt like I was the hare bounding around the woods being chased by a hunter. Strange, considering I had been the hunter in that scenario just hours ago.
“Uh, myself. I figured out I’ve got some kind of blood magic and it’s kind of terrifying.”
“That why you used my old dagger to offer a sacrifice to the dojo?”
“Yep.”
Cecelia let out a sigh.
“I wanted to offer my pinkie finger to the god of the mountain estate.” I spoke nervously, still sitting on my knees with my severed finger on the ground and a floating circle of blood hovering next to my face. I gave her a half-hearted smile, maybe if I seemed unphased by the grim display she would act like everything was normal?
“Yeah? Why d’you wanna communicate with the all-powerful god here?”
“I was hoping it would let me atone.”
Cecelia pushed herself off of the doorway and walked into the room to stand in front of me. She stood with her arms crossed, leering down at me through the circle of solidified blood that hovered in the air. From my point of view, it perfectly framed just how terrifying that woman could be when she wanted to. From her perspective, I probably looked like I was ready to shed my skin and slither away in embarrassment.
“Commit any sins lately that you need to atone for?”
Was this a test? It felt like a test. I chose my next words carefully, hoping that if I played my cards right I could remedy the mistakes I had made last night.
“Yeah… I hurt a lady. I thought atoning might help?”
“You can start to atone by not calling me ‘a lady’ like I’m some royal pincushion of other people’s ideas.”
“Oh, okay.”
“You can also stop avoiding me like I’m the Marked woman.”
“Right. I’m sorry about that.”
“Just fuckin’ talk to me, bandit! I thought that’s what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. We had a good thing going last night and then you-” She huffed and moved her right hand over towards her face to cover her eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”
That was the second time that Cecelia had ever said ‘I’m sorry’ to me. The first time was the night we met. I was stunned, so stunned in fact that the hovering circle of blood dropped to the ground as I looked at her in silence. Why was she the one saying sorry?
“No! Shut up!” The words left my mouth like a carriage bursting through a gate at full speed. Her face quickly contorted to one of shock, as did mine once I realized what I had said.
“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said shut up but also how dare you apologize to me!”
Her face, already one filled with confusion, had done the impossible and become even more confused.
“I mean-fuck, just, let me get my thoughts straight!” I covered my face with my hands to center myself the best I could. I felt a full ten fingers covering my bright red face, meaning that my finger had already grown back. That provoked an interesting question of what happens to the finger on the ground, was I effectively a source of infinite fingers if I stayed fed?
“I wanted you to kiss me. But it didn’t feel like you were kissing me. I was terrified that the person you wanted to kiss was Xavier. That’s not me.”
Cecelia slowly lowered herself onto her knees in front me. There was barely any space between our knees touching, the small gap being filled with only my sliced off finger and a crystalized circle of blood that had fallen on top of the finger. The cold demeanor that Cecelia had so often wore had softened as she looked in my eyes.
“What do you mean that’s not you?”
“It’s complicated. I know I have no right to ask you to listen to the rest of my story, but I think it’ll explain everything.”
I could tell that her mind was already turning like clockwork to discover when I meant when I said that Xavier wasn’t me. It made sense, I would be just as confused if someone were to say something so bizarre to me. I needed to hold on to the hope that once I told Cecelia everything, she would understand. If it made her hate me, then so be it, as long as she understood who I was.
“Okay, bandit. I’ll listen.”
Now all I had to do was explain to her what I had never told a soul. I would tell her everything, from the first moment I met Vyra, to the last.