“Even if I am a substitute, that is fine—so long as that feeling does not go so far as to restrain my freedom or rob me of my happiness.”
“Rishar.”
“Please, Your Majesty. If you truly care for me, help me to be happy.”
Rishar bent at the waist in a deep bow. Edwin looked at him with a complicated expression and sighed. When Rishar came this far, he could no longer be stubborn. Edwin decided to step back.
“I understand your heart. I let my urgency over the Empress drive me to a mistake. I owe Marquess Matias an apology, but let us say the marriage talk never happened.”
“Thank you.”
“But I am not giving up on making you Emperor. That is necessary for your safety if nothing else.”
Edwin straightened his posture and spoke in a forceful voice. He had yielded on one point, but he could not yield on the other. This was a matter of Rishar’s life.
“...I will think on that part as well—what course would be best for everyone.”
After a brief contemplation, Rishar gave an ambiguous answer. His lack of desire to become Emperor had not changed, but it was wearying to keep wrangling with Edwin here.
“Very well. Go back and rest, then. It is late—stay the night.”
“I’m fine… no—since you are kind enough to offer, I will stay. Shall I go to Esteban Palace?”
Rishar had been about to refuse Edwin’s offer, then changed his words. When he named the palace where he had stayed in his youth, Edwin nodded.
“Yes. The chamberlain has kept it in order even while you were away from the capital, so you should lack for nothing.”
“Thank you for the consideration.”
Rishar smiled faintly. Edwin, watching him, hesitated and then spoke.
“Rishar.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
“...Do you have someone in your heart?”
“I do.”
Rishar answered without the slightest hesitation. His unwavering voice was full of certainty about his own feelings.
“Can you tell me who it is?”
“I am sorry. I cannot say yet.”
“Yet?”
“Yes. It is unrequited.”
“Unrequited?”
Edwin’s eyes widened. That Rishar had an unrequited love—that was something he had never imagined. Rishar looked at the startled Edwin and gave a sheepish smile. It was an unusually shy smile for him.
“I have liked them for a very long time… so much that I have never once considered anyone else.”
“I see…”
Edwin could not go on; his lips merely moved. Shock upon shock left his head blank.
“Then I will take my leave. I wish you a peaceful night.”
Rishar offered a formal bow to Edwin, who stared at him in a daze. He meant to withdraw before Edwin could ask who it was.
“Ah.”
Turning his body and nearing the door, Rishar let out a small exclamation as if something had occurred to him. He turned his head back to Edwin.
It might sound a little impudent, but for the sake of what lay ahead, it seemed best to make it clear.
“As a last word: I am not Your Majesty’s son. Your Majesty’s son is His Highness the Prince, not me.”
“...!”
“In the past, now, and always, I am my parents’ son. I am grateful for the affection and trust you extend, but I ask that you not seek vicarious satisfaction through me.”
Finishing, Rishar walked out as if he had no more business. The sound of the door closing jolted Edwin back to himself.
“Mm.”
Left alone, Edwin let out a murmur and leaned back in his chair. The words Rishar had thrown had sent ripples through his chest. His head was a jumbled mess.
“……”
Edwin sank into deep thought. Though the chamberlain, concerned for his health, asked him several times to return to the bedchamber and rest, Edwin did not budge. In the end, he sat through the night.
***
“Uughk—retch!”
Outside the firmly shut door, Ben stamped his feet in agitation at the sounds coming from within. He wanted nothing more than to rush into the washroom and check on Etienne’s condition, but he could not. Etienne had locked the washroom door.
“Your Highness, are you all right? Your Highness!”
Ben called for Etienne in a frantic voice. From inside came no answer, only the sounds of dry heaving. Ever since they returned from the dinner, he had been like this for hours.
Even after bringing up so much, could there still be more to vomit?
Ben seriously considered calling the palace physician even now. Etienne had told him not to—he didn’t want to become fodder for idle talk—but this was too much. Just as Ben’s patience reached its limit and he turned sharply, the washroom door opened.
“Your Highness!”
Ben brightened at the sight of Etienne coming out. Etienne’s face was wet, as if he had washed it and rinsed his mouth. Drops of water fell from hair clumped together.
“Are you all right? Shall I fetch the physician?”
“I’m fine.”
Etienne answered feebly, wiping his face with a towel. He had felt uneasy at the banquet hall, and in the end his stomach had turned.
“Haa….”
Pressing hard at his solar plexus with his hand, Etienne sank onto the bed. His throat burned, and the inside of his mouth hurt.
“Water.”
A hoarse voice slipped between lips gone pale as paper. Etienne took the glass Ben handed him and drank slowly. Even though he had vomited until there was nothing left, the nausea still roiled.
“You feel feverish.”
Watching Etienne’s complexion, Ben carefully laid a hand to his forehead. Heat pulsed hot through his palm.
“It seems you’ve got a serious bout of indigestion. I think you should take some medicine.”
“I just want to sleep.”
“Your Highness!”
“If I take medicine, I might throw up again.”
At Etienne’s words, Ben faltered. He wanted to say no, but he remembered it had happened before. When his chronic gastritis worsened or esophagitis flared, it happened from time to time.
“I don’t think I should take anything right now.”
Etienne knew his body better than anyone. Drawing on his experience so far, he made a swift judgment. Unable to overcome Etienne’s stubbornness, Ben backed down with a helpless look.
“Understood. Then please rest.”
“Mm.”
“If you feel unwell, call me at once. I’ll be right outside the door.”
“Got it.”
Forcing his reluctant feet to move, Ben stepped out. He wanted to stay until Etienne fell asleep, but he knew Etienne could not sleep with someone beside him, so he had no choice.
“...Huu.”
At last it was quiet. Left alone, Etienne let out a long sigh as if releasing a breath he had been holding back. He closed his eyes with a worn face. He wanted to fall into a deep sleep—even if he blacked out.
Contrary to Etienne’s wish, he did not fall asleep easily. His head throbbed; his stomach churned. Not only that—something seemed crammed tight beneath his breastbone, making it hard to breathe.
“Ha, damn.”
After tossing and turning for a long time, Etienne finally sat up. Deliberately, he drew in a great breath and let it out, again and again. Even so, the tightness in his chest remained.
Tapping his chest with his hand, Etienne rose. Since sleep was out of the question anyway, he intended to get some air.
“……”
Keeping his footsteps as quiet as possible, Etienne tiptoed toward the balcony. If Ben knew, he would march right in and scold him.
He was grateful for Ben’s loyal devotion, but sometimes he wanted to be alone. Like now.
“Ah.”
Out on the balcony, Etienne shivered as the cold air touched his skin. Even so, the suffocation eased a little.
Perching on the railing, Etienne quietly closed his eyes. The chirring of night insects at his ear lifted his spirits, if only a little.
He lifted his lids and, following the sounds of the insects, looked over the garden. He had only meant to get some air, but once outside, he wanted to take a walk.
What should he do?
As he debated, Etienne stood. For safety, his bedchamber was on the second floor. To go out to the garden, he would have to leave his room and use the stairs. But if he said he wanted a walk, Ben would surely oppose it with eyes blazing.
“…Right.”
There was an emergency passage. Thinking of the bedchamber’s secret passage, Etienne headed back inside. He went to the bookcase beside the fireplace. When he pushed it aside, a small door appeared.
Etienne took the key from the safe and opened the door. A musty smell puffed out at once. Fanning the air with his hand, he went down the stairs. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could move well enough.
“There.”
Etienne smiled faintly as he succeeded in coming outside. A strange sense of release rose up.
“It’s been a while since I used the secret passage.”
Dusting his clothes, Etienne muttered. As a child, he had used it almost daily, but at some point he had forgotten its very existence. When he no longer had anyone to go see, it had naturally been forgotten.
“Hm….”
Sunk for a moment in old memories, Etienne turned toward the rear garden. Perhaps because he had used the secret passage for the first time in ages, a place he suddenly wanted to visit came to mind.
“This way, yes?”
Following his memory, Etienne went deeper into the rear garden. The place he now meant to go was also one he had stopped using at some point—just like the secret passage. Pushing through brush that blocked his way, he heard the faint sound of water in the distance.
“Found it.”
Realizing he had come the right way, Etienne’s face brightened. With a flicker of inexplicable excitement, he quickened his step.
Crunch.
Brushing aside branches that snagged his way, he pushed out of the thicket—and saw flowers shining bright even in the dark. He saw, too, the small lake fed by water flowing between great boulders awash in bloom.
Recognizing a beloved scene, Etienne quickened. Then, suddenly, he stopped. Someone stood before the lake.
“Rishar…?”
Rooted in place, Etienne spoke the name of the uninvited guest who had arrived first.
“Etienne?”
At Etienne’s voice, Rishar—who had been looking out over the lake—turned his head. Like flowers opening, a smile rose on his calm face.
“Why are you….”
Lips parting in a dazed expression, Etienne fell silent again. He had been startled to see someone he had not expected, but soon he thought he had asked the obvious.
A garden so long neglected that even the paths had disappeared, with no human feet to tread.
Unless someone found it by chance, the only ones who could come here were Rishar and himself. This place was as good as their secret place.
“His Majesty kindly told me to stay the night. I agreed to attend the Council of State meeting tomorrow, so I decided to impose for the day.”
“I see.”
Parting the cluster of flowers and approaching, Rishar answered Etienne’s curiosity with a gentle smile. His long, cool eyes curved into crescents.
“It’s been a long time since I slept at the Imperial Palace, so I couldn’t fall asleep and came out for a walk… and I was lucky. I get to meet you like this.”
Unlike Etienne, who felt awkward, Rishar seemed in good spirits. If anything, he looked a little moved.
“You remembered this place.”
“…I didn’t, until just now. I just walked, and my steps brought me here.”
Etienne answered in a curt voice. In truth, it had been years since he last came. After he decided to keep his distance from Rishar, Etienne had deliberately avoided places where he might run into him.
The last time he had come might have been the day Rishar set out on the monster wave expedition. Groping after a hazy memory, Etienne mumbled on.
“It just came to mind… so I came once. It’s been a very long time.”
Emphasizing once again that it was a visit after ages, Etienne pressed his lips shut. Once he said it, it felt like an excuse, and he regretted it. I’m acting like a thief whose foot is pricking him.
“Good timing, then.”
Leaving Etienne to his needless self-consciousness, Rishar kept a bright smile. Whether Etienne had come in his absence from the capital or not did not matter to him.
What mattered was the present. Rishar was glad Etienne had not forgotten the place steeped in their shared memories.
That he had not let go of their thread entirely yet—that perhaps there was still a place for him in a corner of Etienne’s heart.
“Coming here after three years, nothing has changed. I was surprised—it’s just as I remember it, as if time stopped.”
In high spirits, Rishar looked around with an excited face. He moved his hand, lightly brushing the flowers that swayed in the night breeze. The blossoms, full of moonlight, glinted between his fingers.
“How does it stay like this with no one to tend it… isn’t it strange?”
“…It is.”
Etienne answered in a husky voice. Fortunately, Rishar did not notice anything odd in his tone. Humming a tune, he went toward the lakeside glowing blue.
Etienne’s gaze followed Rishar quietly. With each step he took, the flowers carpeting the ground rustled and swayed.
Evening primrose, night-blooming jasmine, Nottingham catchfly, moonflower, queen of the night…. One by one, the names of flowers he had looked up with Rishar in a field guide as a child rose to mind.
Whoever made this garden has dreadful taste.
Gazing at the blossoms trembling in the night wind, Etienne thought. Every flower here bloomed only at night. The blue moss on the rocks around the lake and ravine was the same. In short, this was a garden that bloomed only by night.
“Etienne?”
Fixing his gaze on a rock glowing blue, Etienne turned his head at the voice calling to him.
“What is it? Are you tired?”
Perhaps worried to see Etienne standing still, Rishar came back to him. Earlier he had been too happy to notice, but now he saw Etienne wore only a thin nightshirt.
“Your color…”
Seeing lips that were pale at the best of times turned bluish, Rishar hurriedly shrugged off his cardigan. At the cozy weight around his shoulders, Etienne shivered without meaning to. He hadn’t thought he was cold, but his body reacted at the touch of warmth.
“I’m f—fine.”
“I am not.”
With a set face, Rishar answered and moved his hands. He was angry at himself, foolishly elated and failing to notice Etienne’s condition. Despite Etienne’s claim that he was fine, he forced the cardigan onto him and, after buttoning it up to the last, stepped back.
“Keep it on.”
“Mm.”
Suddenly draped in Rishar’s cardigan, Etienne let his eyes roll. He felt the warmth soaked into it melt a body chilled by the cold air.
“It’s a little… big.”
Feeling his cool cheeks grow hot, Etienne lowered his gaze. With an awkward face, he looked down at the cardigan hanging to his thighs.
Perhaps because of the stark difference in their builds, though it was the same garment, it felt different on him than when Rishar wore it.
“Let me cuff it.”
At Etienne’s murmur, Rishar reached out again. With practiced motions, he turned up the sleeves that swallowed Etienne’s hands entirely. Pale hands, their blue veins pronounced, came into view.