“You must become the person at the very center of Qin Shi Huang’s heart. Woo him, possess him, stand above the harem, and awe the imperial court.”
After listening to the System, Qing Ni replied loudly, “Rest assured, I can do it!”
The System was extremely gratified. “Good. First, we will…” find an opportunity to get close to Qin Shi Huang.
Qing Ni: “First, find a cow!”
System: ??
Given that Qing Ni had no Qin Banliang on her, nor a household registration to facilitate entering the city, it took her a full half-year just to trap a bull and a cow in the wild. She spent another half-year dragging and hauling them all the way to Taishan.
“System, sweetie, tell me the time!”
The snow ferret, the System’s mimicry form, sat atop the cow and spoke expressionlessly, “September 2nd, the twenty-seventh year of Qin Shi Huang’s reign.”
Qing Ni counted on her fingers. “Until Qin Shi Huang’s Fengshan ceremony at Taishan, there are still…”
System: “281 days.”
Qing Ni picked up the snow ferret and gave it a big kiss. “My darling, not even Baidu can compare to you!”
The snow ferret raised its short front paws to push Qing Ni’s face away. “Keep your hands to yourself. I’m not that kind of casual System.”
“Alrighty!” Qing Ni kissed the tip of the ferret’s bright red ear and pulled out an aphrodisiac.
The System looked at Qing Ni as if she were a beast. “You won’t even let a System off the hook?!”
As Qing Ni pried open the bull’s mouth, she asked blankly, “What? I’m going to use it on them…”
“Stop right now, ahhh!” The System lunged over but still failed to stop its host. “The Newbie Gift Pack only had this one aphrodisiac! That was meant for Qin Shi Huang! It was supposed to make him infatuated and driven by primal instincts, so that after one night of passion, he’d bring you back to the palace and begin your journey of palace intrigue!”
However, the bull had already swallowed. Even though the System forced its mouth open and stirred its claws around its throat, it couldn’t retrieve the aphrodisiac.
Qing Ni grabbed the snow ferret’s big, fluffy tail and dragged it away, scurrying behind a pine tree in a flash.
The ferret’s paws waved in the air: “My medicine!”
Qing Ni covered its mouth. “Forget the medicine! Do you want to offer yourself to the bull and have an inter-species bedroom scene?!”
The System looked closely and realized the drug had already taken effect. The bull’s eyes were bloodshot, its hooves were constantly pawing the ground, and it was pacing anxiously in circles with white steam snorting from its nostrils.
That was close. If it had stayed in the bull’s mouth any longer, the bull probably would have looked to the System to solve its physiological needs.
After a few breaths, the bull charged straight for the cow. Before long, a joyous “moo” echoed across the summit of Taishan.
Qing Ni clung to the pine tree, poking her head out. The ferret’s head was stacked on her shoulder as two pairs of eyes watched intently.
“Eee—”
“Wow—”
“So intense—”
“No wonder you said Qin Shi Huang would be driven by primal instincts if he used it, System. It looks so embarrassing~ But Qin Shi Huang is thirty-nine this year. People on Zhihu say a man’s sexual performance declines after thirty. He’s thirty-nine; can he still manage?”
The ferret rolled its eyes hard. “Even if he were impotent, if he used a medicine produced by the System, he’d have to manage! Is there any point in saying this now? You wasted the medicine!”
“You don’t understand.” Qing Ni wore a look of profound mystery.
The System indeed did not understand. The Newbie Gift Pack was indeed free, but was there a need to squander it? First, she fed the bull the aphrodisiac, and then she fed the cow the Child-Bearing Pill…
When Qing Ni stuffed the Child-Bearing Pill into the cow’s mouth with a “sinister grin,” the ferret let out a soft moan and fainted.
The Child-Bearing Pill was priced at 150,000 Points in the System Shop. Right now, the Points Qing Ni possessed were: 0!
You spendthrift!
Why was it bound to such a spendthrift host?!
A moment later, the System slowly woke up. “Ni-ni, I think I just had a dream. I dreamed you took the Child-Bearing Pill from the gift pack, which is worth 150,000 Points, and fed it to a co—”
The ferret stared blankly ahead.
A girl’s smooth, tender hand was gently stroking the smooth cowhide with utter devotion. “Cowie, you must do your best. In 280 days, whether your master lives in luxury or gets thrown into slavery depends on whether you can punctually give birth to a big fat bo— I mean, a big healthy calf for the Qing family!”
A child born through a Child-Bearing Pill, even if it was just a calf, would trigger divine phenomena. She could then use those phenomena to pose as an immortal!
The ferret lay back down and closed its eyes peacefully.
It definitely wasn’t awake yet!
280 days later.
The ferret was jumping in place. “It’s coming, it’s coming! Do you know how to deliver a calf?!”
“I—I—I don’t know! My biology teacher never taught me this!”
“That was a biology teacher, not a veterinarian!”
“Is there any smooth-delivery medicine in the System Shop? Let me buy one on credit, and I’ll pay it back as soon as I finish Main Quest One!”
The System suddenly stopped. “Eh, wait.”
Qing Ni had one hand on the cow’s belly and the other stroking its head. Without looking back, she said, “We can’t wait! Qin Shi Huang just finished the Fengshan ceremony and is heading down the mountain. He’s about to run into the storm!”
System: “No, I just suddenly remembered that the Child-Bearing Pill already contains components for a smooth delivery. Have you ever seen a favored consort protagonist have a difficult labor? They all just slide right out, even smoother than those news stories about college students giving birth in dorm toilets.”
Qing Ni gasped. “System pills are truly so terrifying—”
“Stop gasping. People like you are the reason for global warming.” A drop of water fell onto its head, and the ferret looked up adorably. “Ni-ni, are you cry—”
Crash—
The rain poured down in torrents.
The ferret became a drowned rat in the rain, its fur matted together. It raised a front paw to wipe the rain from its face, looking utterly weary of life. “The rain you wanted is here.”
Qing Ni jumped up. “Quick, get out the lightning rods we made earlier!”
System: “Got it!” It wagged its tail and used its head to push the hidden lightning rods out from the grass.
After Qing Ni planted them firmly, she stood with her hands on her hips, full of pride. “Do you know what I’m going to do now?”
“I do!” The ferret bounced. “You’re going to attract Qin Shi Huang’s attention! You want him to pinch your chin and say to you with a wicked, domineering gaze: ‘Woman, stop these tricks. Do you think I can’t see through you? You just want to attract my attention!’ Then, the stubborn you will slap him, beginning a saga where he gets your body but not your heart. He loves you deeply but sets up a decoy for you in the harem, letting the decoy bully and humiliate you until you lose your baby. You’ll be heartbroken, fake your death, and fly away, and once Qin Shi Huang finds you, he’ll abandon his empire for you and retreat to the mountains.”
Qing Ni: “…”
The girl’s foot slipped, and she nearly rolled down from the summit of Taishan.
Halfway down the mountain, the First Emperor stood under a large pine tree, one hand resting on his sword hilt, his gaze dark as he stared at the storm.
Not far away, several scholars exchanged glances. Finally, one of them stepped forward and bowed. “Your Majesty.”
The First Emperor turned his head, his gaze falling upon the scholar. When that scholar met those pitch-black eyes filled with brooding gloom, he instinctively stepped back. His face turned pale, and he nearly fled in shame and indignation.
Another scholar calmly took his place. “San Bai of Lixia greets Your Majesty.”
He originally had the face of a kind old man, but when facing the First Emperor, he put on the most detestable face of a stubborn old pedant.
“Your Majesty! Please, stop being so obstinate!”
The First Emperor gave him a look, but that gaze was no different from looking at the grass by the side of the road.
San Bai: “…” He wanted to curse.
Of course, a scholar must be civilized and could not curse, so he began to berate Qin Shi Huang instead.
“Fuxi, Shennong, Yan Di—twelve ancient emperors including the Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors all paid their respects at Taishan. Does Your Majesty think that by calling yourself Emperor, you are qualified to perform the Fengshan ceremony?!”
“Look at this heavy rain! Look at these dark clouds! Taishan is angry! The heavens feel that your sacrifice is an insult!”
“Back then, Duke Huan of Qi wanted to go to Taishan but was persuaded otherwise by Guan Zi and abandoned the idea of Fengshan, thus avoiding such humiliation. But you, not only did you act willfully, but in order to climb and offer sacrifices, you forcibly built a mountain road and rode a carriage up! In ancient times, which of the Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors did not climb the mountain on foot to show their respect?!”
“Tyrant! Faint-hearted ruler! Arrogant and rude! Heaven and Earth will not tolerate you!”
This was cursing right to Qin Shi Huang’s face!
The wind and rain outside suddenly seemed to freeze; a deathly silence fell under the tree.
Wang Ben, the Marquis of Tongwu, reacted quickly and roared in fury, “How dare you! You dare to act so insolently before His Majesty!”
San Bai stiffened his neck, looking every bit the image of someone who would not yield to force, waiting to be killed by the tyrant to leave his name in history. His voice was sonorous and powerful: “I, San Bai, am loyal to my sovereign and love my country! Heaven is angry! Today’s heavy rain is the tears of Taishan! If I do not advise Your Majesty today, tomorrow it will be our turn to weep at Your Majesty’s funeral!”
A cold chill slowly welled up in the First Emperor’s eyes.
The scholars were not afraid at all. Their heads were filled with the thought that if they died now, history books would only record that they were unafraid of Qin’s tyranny and risked their lives to offer counsel. They stepped forward one after another, delivering impassioned speeches.
“Your Majesty, stop being stubborn. Climb the mountain again, performing three prostrations and nine kowtows to apologize to Heaven!”
“You must respect the gods before the gods will respect you as the Son of Heaven. While the auspicious hour hasn’t passed, prepare the three sacrificial animals again and apologize. The gods will forgive Your Majesty.”
“Trust us. We Confucians specialize in rituals. You won’t go wrong trusting us!”
“This heavy rain is karma!”
“Does Your Majesty want to be struck by lightning like King Wuyi?!”
Rumble—
A clap of thunder shook the earth so violently that even the scholar who had just mentioned “Wuyi” froze in place. The others were left with blank minds, unable to speak.
Thunder roared among the clouds, and bolts of lightning pierced through the dark sky. Amidst the booming sounds, the summit of Taishan was lit up. Lightning danced atop the peak, the flashes so bright they caused painful stinging in the eyes.
No way…
Had the First Emperor truly offended Heaven and was about to be struck dead?
Many officials and scholars hurriedly knelt.
“Heaven, forgive us!”
“Heaven has sent punishment!”
“Don’t strike me! It was the First Emperor who insisted on riding the carriage up; it has nothing to do with us!”
Looking from the mountainside toward the summit, from the moment the first bolt of lightning fell, the thunder never ceased, lighting up the heavy sky as if it were day.
San Bai flicked his ink-black robes and strode out from the shelter of the pine tree, spreading his arms wide in a wild gesture amidst the rain.
“The First Emperor lacks the virtue for his position! His forced Fengshan ceremony has enraged Heaven and Earth, bringing down celestial lightning—”
“King Wuyi disrespected the gods and was struck dead! The First Emperor shall be the same!”
Clang—
Wang Ben drew his sword in a rage. San Bai clutched his chest and laughed loudly. “Come! If I flinch, I am a cowardly villain!”
A flash of sword light reflected his expectant eyes, which seemed to burn with heat.
Come!
With just one strike, history would spread the story of him rebuking a faint-hearted ruler. Here, Wang Ben would be the buffoon, and the First Emperor, Ying Zheng, would be the green stone beneath his feet, sending his name to be immortalized for a thousand years!