I was always alone.
I had been alone ever since the first year of high school.
My habit of saying whatever is on my mind, my harsh tone, and my quick temper pushed people away.
Back in middle school, when I dressed plainly, I didn’t have any friends. I tried to stay quiet and not talk much. When I talked, people would run away from me right away.
However, that actually caused the opposite problem.
Because I didn’t talk much, more and more boys started hitting on me. They probably thought I was quiet and pure.
But I am not quiet. As soon as I speak, I say what is on my mind. My tone becomes harsh, and people dislike me. That is why I purposely stayed quiet. I learned that lesson back in elementary school.
However, when men approach you, girls naturally dislike you. It is a vicious cycle.
That is why, as soon as I entered high school, I dyed my hair blonde and got nail art to make myself look like a gyaru. Looking like a gyaru made me less popular with guys, so they didn’t approach me as much.
Naturally, the only guys who did approach me were flashy punks.
I showed those guys my true self and pushed them away.
I also treated girls with my true self. Naturally, no one came close.
And so, I ended up alone.
Even so, I didn’t care. I didn’t want friends who required weird politeness.
I wanted to graduate from high school early and go to a cosmetology vocational school.
My family was a single-parent household with only my mom. My mom divorced my dad long ago because he cheated on her. That was back in elementary school.
Watching my mom work as a hairdresser, I eventually decided that I wanted to become a hairdresser just like her.
Someday, I want to become a hairdresser and work with my mom. I want to make life easier for my mom.
If that dream came true, I didn’t need any friends.
Being all alone in high school was fine and my friendships weren’t an issue, but one problem did arise.
I am bad at studying. I was always right on the verge of failing. No, I actually failed quite a few times and had to take remedial classes over and over.
I somehow managed to advance to the third year of high school, but honestly, I had no confidence when it came to studying.
If I couldn’t get my credits and failed to graduate, I would be held back a year, and my dream of becoming a hairdresser would be delayed. Naturally, it would cost more money, too.
I felt bad for my mom, who had worked hard to pay for everything up to this point.
Vocational school is not cheap either. I have to pay a lot of money.
My mom said she would somehow manage the money for vocational school, too.
I have to graduate for my mom’s sake as well.
To do that, I need to work hard at my studies so I don’t have to take remedial classes—no, so I don’t fail at all.
But I had no idea how I was supposed to study.
I kept thinking that way. But once I became a third-year student, a guy sitting next to me named Hayami changed me.
At first, I disliked Hayami. He wasn’t flashy, but he had decent looks and his grades were quite good. He was even in the top 10 of our grade. On top of that, he had friends and a girlfriend.
He had the things I didn’t have.
That bothered me. Hayami tried talking to me a few times, but I ignored him completely.
After that, Hayami stopped talking to me, too.
However, things changed starting from that day.
Was it around the beginning of July…?
I was studying in the library. Hating the idea of anyone seeing me at school, I started studying at the library instead.
Not knowing how to study properly, I always stayed at the library until late.
“Agh, it got late today, too. But I didn’t understand a thing.”
I walked home while looking at the darkening sky.
At the traffic light in front of the station, I spotted a high school student wandering around unsteadily.
(What is this guy doing? Stumbling around like that is so dangerous…)
The next moment, that guy tried to cross the pedestrian crossing even though the light was red.
“Hey! Watch out?!”
I instinctively grabbed the guy’s arm. And then I snapped at him.
“You idiot! Are you trying to get yourself killed?!”
The guy who turned around was someone I knew.
“You… Aren’t you Hayami from the next seat?”
Hayami had a face like a dead person. And he didn’t even recognize me.
“…Who?”
Hayami’s words irritated me.
“Hey! Don’t you even remember the person who sits next to you?!”
Even though I said that to him, Hayami’s expression didn’t change at all. And he said:
“Oh… So, there was someone like that…”
That was all he said. I was pissed off by those words.
“Are you kidding me?! If I hadn’t grabbed your hand, you might have gotten hit by a car and died, you know?”
I tried to make him realize reality, but he said something even more ridiculous.
“Oh, really? Then you shouldn’t have stopped me.”
What on earth is this guy thinking? I was genuinely furious.
And then I slapped Hayami across the face.
Smack!
A dry sound echoed, and I said to Hayami:
“What are you even saying?! You shouldn’t have stopped me? Are you kidding me?! I don’t know what happened, but don’t try to die in front of me! If you want to die, go do it somewhere else!”
Hearing that, Hayami suddenly started letting out a faint smile and said to me:
“Haha… That’s right. If I’m going to die, I’ll do it somewhere else. My bad…”
Watching Hayami walk away sluggishly, I felt sick to my stomach and called out to him.
“Hey! Wait a second. If you’re saying you’re going to die, I won’t stop you, but shouldn’t you at least tell me a little bit about what happened?”
When I said that, Hayami muttered to me:
“Haha… Will anything change if I tell you?”
That single remark made me snap even more.
“Are you kidding me?! People are trying to be nice and ask you, and that’s your attitude?! Will something change? I don’t know anything about your situation!”
When I snapped and yelled like that, Hayami showed rare emotion.
“What do you know?! You don’t know anything about my situation! Stop sticking your nose into other people’s business! If I want to die, go do it somewhere else? Then leave me alone! Don’t get involved!
Besides, why did you stop me?! If you hadn’t stopped me, it would already be over, right?! I wouldn’t have had to do something this stupid, right?! It’s something you did on your own, so stop meddling in my life!”
I was overwhelmed by Hayami’s words.
Up until then, a guy like Hayami had never shown a side like this even once. He was always considerate of those around him, treated the girl who seemed to be his girlfriend with kindness, and felt like a gentle guy to whom the word “anger” simply did not apply.
However, the Hayami right now was different. He bared his emotions and shouted at me. Just like I was doing right now.
“My bad. I went too far, too. So please calm down a little.”
When I said that, Hayami clicked his tongue and started walking away sluggishly again. Thinking he might try to commit suicide, I followed behind him.
Then, seeing Hayami head up to the pedestrian bridge, I chased after him right away. True to my guess, Hayami stopped in the middle of the pedestrian bridge and put his hands on the handrail.
“Hey! Stop it!”
I grabbed Hayami’s arm.
“What do you want?! You’re the one who told me to do it somewhere else, weren’t you?!”
Hayami tried to shake off my hand.
Even so, I desperately grabbed Hayami’s arm and refused to let go.
“I’m sorry for saying that! But don’t rush into it yet!”
I desperately stopped Hayami. Hayami tried to brush off my hand over and over again, but I wouldn’t let go.
Gradually, Hayami gave up and sat down on the ground.
“What is this? Just let me be at peace already…”
Hayami was in such a rush to die. What on earth had happened? I decided to ask Hayami.
“Hey Hayami. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but… what happened to you?”
When I asked that, Hayami looked at me out of the corner of his eye. That look was completely devoid of hope.
“What difference does it make if I tell you?”
I almost got mad at his unchanging attitude, but thinking it would be the same thing, I held back and asked him again with a calm mind.
“Well, I don’t know what difference it makes, but…”
“Then there’s no point in telling you, right? Since I can’t tell anyone…”
Still, I asked again. Because if I stopped talking, he might try to commit suicide again.
“You say you can’t tell anyone, like your friends, right? Well, since I’m not your friend, wouldn’t it be fine?”
At my nonsensical argument, Hayami smiled slightly and said:
“What is that? That makes no sense… Sigh, if you want to hear about it that badly, fine.”
“…”
“Actually, it looks like my dad’s company is going bankrupt. Because of that, debts are left behind and my parents talked and decided to get a divorce.”
“…Divorce?”
“Yeah, it looks like the divorce is already decided. And they’re arguing over who gets custody.”
“Has it been decided?”
“No… My dad apparently told my mom she could decide, but my mom is asking us what we want to do.”
“What the heck is that? Obviously, you’d go with your mom, right?”
“Normally, yes. But I was hesitating.”
Hesitating? Where is the part to hesitate about? That makes no sense.
“My mom’s parents’ place isn’t very wealthy, and my mom’s parents are past retirement age and not working. If three people suddenly show up, the household budget won’t hold up, right?”
Well, true, if three people show up, the money will run out. Wait, three people?
“Hey?! Three people? Does that mean there’s you, your mother, and someone else?”
“Didn’t I mention it? I have a younger sister.”
“You didn’t tell me that?! You should have told me sooner.”
“Haha… My bad.”
Hayami smiled half-heartedly and explained the situation further to me.
The way he had given up on everything made it hard for me to believe that this was still the Hayami I knew.
“My little sister just started high school. I think my sister would definitely suffer if she stayed at my dad’s place.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure.”
“Right? But if even I follow my mom, then the other side will suffer.”
“…Well, looking at reality, that’s how it turns out.”
“Don’t say it so bluntly. That’s why I was thinking of going with my dad.
I thought that would be better for my mom, my sister, and even my dad. But…”
“…Do you really intend to do that?”
No, this guy wants to die. Even though he said earlier that he wanted to find peace, he actually wants to die to get rid of the financial burden on himself.
“Even if you die, nothing changes. Even if you die, money is still spent, and people will grieve. So, it has no meaning at all!”
I told Hayami that. That his way of thinking was wrong…
Hayami couldn’t talk back to me. That was only natural. Hayami must realize it himself: death doesn’t solve anything.
“Then, what should I do?”
“Isn’t that obvious?! Just live!”
“What am I supposed to do after I live?”
“That’s…”
“You can’t answer.”
I had a hard time finding an answer to what Hayami said.