Listening to the Captain describe me to a room full of elite guards was highly insulting. A demon snake? A black ghost? I was an assistant grocery store manager who simply appreciated good profit margins and clean execution.
"I’m telling you, Commander, the beast is an absolute menace!" the Captain yelled, his voice echoing across the marble steps of the Silver Crest Guild hall. His bandaged nose made him sound like he was talking through a wet sock. "It doesn’t just bite. It schemes! It steals! It took my money pouch, it took Barnaby’s mind, and it text-messaged Lady Suzy on a flat rock!"
The tall man with the long scar across his eye—the Commander—stared down at the Captain with a look of pure, unadulterated exhaustion. He was leaning on a massive greatsword that looked enough to split an anvil.
"Captain," the Commander said, his voice deep, slow, and completely done with the conversation. "You are telling me that you, a Tier 1 veteran mercenary, along with a full squad, lost a Tier 2 Calamity Wolf core, a set of high-grade runic blades, and your own personal wallet... to a three-foot garden noodle?"
"An invisible noodle!" Barnaby chimed in from the back, his hands still twitching slightly from the leftover venom. "A noodle that makes the mud sing about your mother, Commander! It’s highly dangerous!"
The dozen elite guards standing around the entrance didn’t look terrified. Two of them were actively biting their lips to keep from laughing out loud. One of them actually snorted.
[System: Well, Barry, your fan club is doing a stellar job. At this rate, the whole city is going to think you’re a mythical dragon. What’s the play? You want to let them keep digging their own graves, or are you going to stop the comedy show?]
’The Captain is trying to ruin my reputation before I even close my first major deal,’ I thought, my invisible body sliding smoothly along the side of a wooden fruit crate near the steps. ’If the guards believe him, the security drops a lock on the whole building. But if they think he’s completely lost his marbles, they’ll throw him in a dungeon and the front door stays wide open for me.’
[System: Oho! A little corporate sabotage. Activating ’Active Camouflage’ at maximum capacity. Get in there and freeze the asset, boss.]
I glided through the shadows of the marble pillars, completely invisible and making less sound than a falling leaf. My Phantom-Fang Assassin form was incredible. I bypassed three different elite guards, sliding right past their steel boots without a single person noticing a thing.
I circled around the back of the pillar, coming up right behind the Captain’s left boot. He was still waving his hands around, trying to convince the skeptical Commander.
’Look at my face, Commander! Does this look like the work of a normal worm? The beast uses advanced stone magic! It hawked a brick directly at my forehead!’ the Captain shouted, leaning forward passionately.
’Time for a quiet evaluation,’ I thought.
I slid out from the shadow of his heel, unhinged my jaws, and drove my two needle-sharp fangs straight through the thin leather of his boot, biting right into the back of his ankle.
Chomp.
It was a clean, silent hit. The new Neuro-Paralysis venom shot out from my core like a cold stream of ice water, entering his bloodstream instantly.
[System: Bite confirmed! Neuro-Paralysis agent deployed. Counting down... three, two, one. Shutdown.]
The Captain didn’t scream. He didn’t even flinch.
Instead, mid-sentence, his entire body froze completely solid. His right arm stayed locked straight out in the air, pointing directly at the sky. His mouth stayed wide open, his eyes staring blankly at the guild hall roof. He looked exactly like a cheap garden statue that had been badly painted to look like a mercenary.
"Captain?" Barnaby blinked, tapping his boss on the shoulder. "Captain, why are you doing the dramatic pause? You look like a gargoyle."
The Captain didn’t move a single muscle. He didn’t even blink. He just stood there on one leg, pointing at the sky, completely paralyzed from the neck down.
The Commander stared at the frozen Captain for three long seconds. He sighed , rubbing the bridge of his nose right over his scar. "He’s gone completely mad. The stress from losing the wolf core broke his brain. Guards, take him to the infirmary and lock him in a padded room until the local priest can check him for a head curse."
"Wait, I’m not crazy!" Barnaby panicked as two massive elite guards stepped forward, grabbing the frozen, statue-like Captain by the arms and dragging him down the steps like a piece of stiff lumber. "The snake is real! It’s invisible! It might be right next to us!"
Barnaby started swinging his arms wildly in the air, trying to hit an invisible target. He swung his right fist in a blind panic, completely missing the empty air and smacking the Commander directly across the jaw with a loud smack.
The Commander didn’t move. He slowly turned his scarred face back toward Barnaby, his eyes narrowing into two cold slits.
"Barnaby," the Commander whispered, his voice dripping with pure ice.
"I... I was trying to hit the ghost noodle, sir..." Barnaby whimpered, his face turning entirely white.
"Throw him in the dungeon," the Commander ordered flatly. "And make sure they don’t give him any bread for three days."
"No! The noodle! Watch out for the noodle!" Barnaby screamed as the remaining guards tackled him to the stone floor, pinning his arms behind his back and dragging him kicking and screaming down into the dark basement of the guild.
I lay perfectly against the base of the marble pillar, my invisible snake body practically vibrating with silent laughter inside my own skull.
[System: Absolute peak performance, Barry. You just took out a two-man mercenary squad using nothing but a tiny bite and their own sheer stupidity. The retail union would give you a medal for this level of workplace efficiency.]
"Never underestimate the power of letting bad employees destroy themselves, System," I thought, uncoiling my three-foot length. "The front steps are clear, the Commander is busy rubbing his jaw, and the double doors are wide open. Let’s go find Bae Suzy and collect our five hundred gold pieces."