The imagination is wonderful, but reality is rather harsh.
Before he could even turn into the courtyard, Zhou Xingxing heard one curse louder than the next, interspersed with a few breathless, gasping wheezes.
“Sigh.” It was the eldest aunt of the original body again.
It wasn’t that Zhou Xingxing feared her; he wasn’t the easy-to-bully original owner, as he had plenty of strength and methods at his disposal, but he just couldn’t be bothered to deal with her.
“You damned, thousand-slash piece of trash! A grown man can cause such a massive disaster just by cooking! The kitchen is completely burned down! See if I don’t beat you to death today!” Heaven knows the eldest aunt almost passed out right then and there when she saw a whole kitchen full of smoke.
“Are the two mung beans below your eyebrows just for exhaling? Is your tongue connected straight to your brain, or what? Your upper and lower lips slap together like they’re dipped in poison! I told you not to provoke me right now, because I’m a powder keg ready to blow at the slightest spark.”
Zhou Xingxing delivered another crisp, decisive line, leaving everyone present completely dumbfounded.
Mainly because the original body never dared to talk back to them, as whatever others said went. Unlike now, this was way, way, way too weird.
“What’s wrong with Xing-geer? Why is he acting like a completely different person?”
“Mom! His brain has snapped! Is he possessed by something?”
They had all been waiting in the courtyard for Zhou Xingxing to come back and cook. Zhou Eryong casually tossed out those thoughtless words from the side.
The eldest aunt had already sensed that something was off with Zhou Xingxing yesterday. Now, after hearing what her youngest son said, doubt began to sprout in her heart.
Seeming to think of something, she hurried back into the kitchen and grabbed a handful of firewood ash, muttering to herself as she scattered it toward Zhou Xingxing.
“No matter who you are, get out of the dead piece-of-trash’s body right now! Amitabha, Amitabha…”
“Ptui, ptui, ptui! Ptui, ptui!”
Zhou Xingxing hadn’t seen what she grabbed in her hand and failed to dodge in time. After getting a mouthful of ash, he immediately ran over to stand beside Zhou Yingying.
“What’s actually inside me? My cousin should know!” he said, deliberately dragging out the ending of his tone with a playful lilt.
Ever since she saw “Zhou Xingxing” who had fallen into the water yesterday, Zhou Yingying’s body had started radiating a chill, and she had been plagued by nightmares all night long.
She didn’t dare look Zhou Xingxing in the eye, but she still wanted to tag along and watch, just to see what else…
“It’s, it’s, it’s what?!” Zhou Yingying couldn’t even speak coherently anymore.
No one knew what game Zhou Xingxing was playing. In a split second, he struck a coquettish look and posture, softly humming a tune of “Ha-ah, ah, ah” that was enough to make anyone blush from head to toe.
“Cousin! Let me tell you what it is!” He slowly leaned in close to Zhou Yingying’s ear, exhaling a chilly breath. The next second, his expression completely flipped as he declared in a booming, forceful voice: “I am your father!”
Zhou Yingying: “He is seriously out of his mind.”
For three days straight, Zhou Xingxing’s words and deeds were simply like a completely different person compared to before. The eldest aunt couldn’t out-scold him, nor could she bring herself to hit him.
A few times when the eldest aunt couldn’t hold back and tried to strike, before she could even touch the hem of Zhou Xingxing’s clothes, his whole body would react like a cat whose tail had been stepped on, darting away with a swoosh while running and shouting, “Help! People are being beaten!”
This stirred up a lot of gossip among the villagers. If the eldest aunt wanted to shout back curses, she couldn’t match the sheer number of people and wagging tongues; fighting back alone was completely useless.
“We can’t keep going on like this! A little brother-in-law trying to stage a rebellion?! I think he’s just asking for a thrashing!”
The speaker was the eldest aunt’s maternal cousin, Wang Xiufang, who had married into the same village. The two of them were down by the river washing clothes today.
“You said his soul was lost and he was possessed by a ghost! Let’s just find a village shaman to call back his soul!”
“That makes sense! His constitution is weak, so it’s easy for him to run into some unclean things!” Hearing Wang Xiufang put it that way, the eldest aunt finally felt like she had a backbone. “Who should we find? I don’t even know who to look for.”
“You know that Matchmaker Zhang in the neighboring village, right? The one with seven moles on her face?”
“I know her. Lots of people in the village go to her to matchmake, but can she also handle spiritual matters?”
“She knows a little bit here and there! We’ll just call back his soul, nothing else! This afternoon, I’ll go invite her over! You keep a close eye on him at home and don’t let him go out tonight!”
“I know! It’s still my good sister who looks out for me!”
The two calculated their plan and returned to their respective homes. Meanwhile, Zhou Xingxing, having nothing better to do, was in the backyard feeding the pig, Oinky.
Oinky was a sow about to give birth. Because whenever Zhou Xingxing spoke to it, all it would do was oink, Zhou Xingxing gave it this catchy name.
“Oinky, what do you think I should do? How on earth can I marry Li Qunhe?”
“I don’t want to look at those old hags ever again; it gives my eyes styes just looking at them. Look, I even have a stye on my right eye.”
Zhou Xingxing was right in the middle of chatting away animatedly when suddenly, a dark shadow was thrown over his head from behind. Immediately afterward, his feet left the ground as he was hoisted up onto someone’s shoulder.
“Let me go! Let me go!”
Zhou Xingxing was stunned for just a fraction of a second before he started kicking and thrashing wildly. Based on his past movie-watching experience, R-rated events were about to happen next!
“You perverted stalker who only knows how to pull perverted stunts behind people’s backs! Put me down right now! As much as I love good looks, I don’t swing for just any kind of looks!”
“Creepy, perverted stalker! I will not surrender! Let me tell you, I am not cooperating with that kind of stuff! Even if you get a hard-on, I’ll make sure you go soft!”
Bouncing and jolting all the way, Zhou Xingxing felt like the contents of his stomach were about to shake loose. The person carrying him was as stubborn as a brick wall, as he hadn’t managed to squeeze out a single fart after talking for so long.
When he was finally set down and the blindfold removed from his eyes, Zhou Xingxing winced uncomfortably from the light, only to discover that he had been brought back to the place where he lived.
Just as he was about to unleash a torrent of curses, he realized the person standing right in front of him was:
“Zhou Dayong! What did you carry me over here for?” Zhou Xingxing asked, looking at him in confusion.
“Xing-geer, don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you.” Zhou Dayong was tall and broad-shouldered, built like a bear, and slow with his words. “Mom said she’s going to drive out the ghosts for you tonight.”
“Drive out what?!” Zhou Xingxing thought he had misheard.
“Drive out the ghosts,” Zhou Dayong repeated honestly. “Mom said you’ve been tainted by bad things, so she found someone to help cure you.”
“Drive them out, then! Why on earth did you cover my eyes and carry me over here for nothing?” Zhou Xingxing wasn’t scared anymore; as a successor to socialism, he actually grew curious about the night’s ghost-busting activities.
“Hehe,” Zhou Dayong grinned, looking a bit shy and giving an honest, silly smile. “Mom was afraid you’d run off, so she told me to keep an eye on you. I was afraid you’d run away, so I covered your eyes.”
Zhou Xingxing: “…”
Utterly and completely speechless.
When they said keeping an eye on him, they really meant it. Zhou Dayong didn’t leave his side for a single moment all afternoon; even when Zhou Xingxing had to take a dump, Dayong had to stand guard outside, asking every few minutes if he was still in there.
At this, Zhou Xingxing covered his nose and mouth and rolled his eyes so hard it hurt!
Could he poop-escape out of the latrine toilet?! What was Zhou Dayong’s deal all afternoon?
When evening finally arrived, Zhou Xingxing genuinely felt exhausted, especially his stomach.
The sky outside was already growing dusky, though within the village, no matter how late it was, you could always make out shapes using the moonlight.
Just as he was about to head to the kitchen to rummage for something to eat, Zhou Xingxing saw the eldest aunt leading another person into the courtyard. The two of them had their heads close together, whispering something to each other.
Zhou Xingxing was someone who loved a lively scene, so he instantly decided to postpone eating. Crossing his arms, he waited for the two of them to approach.
The pair closed in from left and right. Just as his arms were about to be grabbed, Zhou Xingxing didn’t put up a fight. Deep down, he was exceptionally excited and curious to see how ancient people went about exorcising ghosts.
“Don’t move, Xing-geer! Auntie is only doing this for your own good! Once this is over, you won’t feel uncomfortable anymore!” Matchmaker Zhang coaxed him earnestly.
“Auntie, I won’t move!” Zhou Xingxing even nodded obediently.
The eldest aunt and Matchmaker Zhang exchanged glances, feeling a bit suspicious in their hearts. Seeing that Zhou Xingxing wasn’t resisting the way he had before according to the eldest aunt’s account, they didn’t bother tying him up.
Except for Zhou Yingying, who was running a high fever from fright, the rest of the family had gathered. Wang Xiufang had also rushed over after tidying up her house, arriving just in time for Matchmaker Zhang to get possessed.
Matchmaker Zhang sat cross-legged on a stool, sipping small cups of white wine one after another. Her body began to twitch and wriggle in the rhythm of an impending zombie invasion, making Zhou Xingxing itch all over.
“I am the immortal spirit of these lands. What brings you to summon me down the mountain?” Matchmaker Zhang spoke slowly, though her voice had transformed into that of Old Man Zhang.
“Immortal, please accept my kowtow! Please accept my kowtow! My damned little brother-in-law recently ran into something unclean! Please, Immortal, help take a look!”
The eldest aunt and Wang Xiufang were utterly pious, kowtowing repeatedly on the ground.
Matchmaker Zhang, no, Old Man Zhang, lifted his eyelids, glanced indifferently in Zhou Xingxing’s direction, and then flashed a half-smile expression.
“Your brother-in-law has encountered the vengeful ghost of someone who died an unjust death. It is using your brother-in-law’s body, plotting to find a substitute.”
“Immortal! What should we do then?”
“No worries. I will call back his soul, and you just need to do as I say: make a substitute doll for him and burn it.”
“Thank you, Immortal! Thank you, Immortal! I’ll do everything the Immortal says!”
Old Man Zhang slowly stood up, his walking posture looking as though he had muscle cramps. He slowly approached Zhou Xingxing, chanting in a low voice.
Goosebumps erupted all over Zhou Xingxing’s body!
He had encountered a vengeful ghost, the original body! He was acting as a substitute for the original body!
“What the heck…” Zhou Xingxing subconsciously opened his mouth.
Old Man Zhang kept chanting, his body beginning to twitch and gyrate around Zhou Xingxing…
Zhou Xingxing: “You have a serious mental illness.”
Although he didn’t know what Old Man Zhang was saying, he felt like the other person was speaking absolute nonsense.
Ptui, ptui, ptui! He mentally cursed himself, as he had almost fallen for the other person’s superstitious mumbo-jumbo!
Ghost possession, my foot! He might allow himself to time-travel, but he would absolutely never allow anyone to subject him to feudal superstitions!
Dancing, is it? They clearly had no idea what his vibe was! Before time-traveling, he was still tearing it up at the clubs!
Right on the spot, Zhou Xingxing busted out a viral, hypnotic dance from before his time-travel, launching into a fist-dance battle with Old Man Zhang…
To sum it up, it was basically a game of rock-paper-scissors.
“Mom! What is happening?! Why is Xing-geer doing that too…” Zhou Eryong was completely baffled.
“Shh, don’t disturb the Immortal’s ritual. Xing-geer is channeling the spirits,” Wang Xiufang shushed him.
“Oh, I see… Eryong, shut your mouth right now and don’t speak.” Once the eldest aunt understood, she nodded vigorously.
The two of them battled for nearly a quarter of an hour before Old Man Zhang finally conceded defeat. She was decades older than Zhou Xingxing, so her stamina simply couldn’t keep up.
Seeing her stop, the competitive spirit that had flared up in Zhou Xingxing faded by more than half. He twisted his waist from side to side and gave Matchmaker Zhang a triumphant eyebrow raise.
Matchmaker Zhang instantly felt choked with frustration. The gig she took on tonight was truly troublesome, but there was nothing Matchmaker Zhang couldn’t resolve!
Tonight was a bust, as her poor lower back was about to snap. It was all Zhou Xingxing’s fault! Otherwise, she would have collected her reward money tonight! Now she’d have to make a wasted trip tomorrow!
Just you wait! She was definitely not going to let this damned little brother-in-law off easy!