“You lost your memory.”
“……………I lost my memory?”
He murmured the words back softly.
“Because you can’t remember anything anymore.”
“It does seem………………like I can’t remember anything at all.”
The barred window stood half open. A faint breeze drifted inside, stirring the white curtains into gentle waves. The scent of disinfectant lingered in the air, elusive yet inescapable, as though it could burrow into the mind itself and take root deep within one’s organs and bones.
It felt as if You Li had been breathing in that smell for more than ten years already.
As though it had grown inside his body, becoming something inseparable from him, something intimately familiar.
Something that could never truly be peeled away.
He sat quietly on the chair, both hands resting calmly atop his knees. His posture was upright and proper yet when he tilted his face up to look at the other person, there was a hazy confusion floating in his eyes, empty and distant, like mist without form.
“Doctor, I feel like there’s something inside my head.”
You Li frowned faintly. His gaze drifted somewhere ahead, hollow from the strain of trying to remember. His voice was quiet as he continued,
“It talks to me every single day.”
“It keeps chattering nonstop. It’s really annoying.”
The male doctor in the white coat sat in front of the young man. There was no desk separating them, only a chair casually pulled over between them.
The doctor leaned forward slightly, elbows resting against his knees, his expression steady and patient in the posture of someone listening carefully.
“Do you hate it?”
You Li thought for a moment.
“Not really.”
The doctor asked, “Why?”
You Li lifted a finger and pointed at his own head.
“I stay in this hospital room all day long. If someone talks to me, at least it’s not boring.”
The doctor continued gently, “Do you think it appeared to keep you company?”
You Li was about to nod but hesitated halfway before stopping himself.
“I don’t know.”
The doctor asked more specifically, “When did it first appear? Was it when you started feeling lonely or bored?”
You Li answered quietly,
“I don’t know. I lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
“I think it was already there from the very first day I woke up in this hospital room. Doctor, I don’t remember whether I was bored back then or not.”
The doctor shifted slightly and picked up his pen, scribbling several words across the file with a soft scratching sound.
You Li noticed it immediately.
“Doctor, do you think I have schizophrenia?”
The doctor looked somewhat troubled.
“At the moment, there’s a strong possibility. After all, human brains aren’t supposed to talk.”
You Li lowered his eyes in disappointment.
“That’s true. I know.”
The doctor’s tone remained warm and patient.
“What else? Is there anything else strange happening?”
You Li hesitated for a brief moment before honestly speaking again.
“I think I’m very dangerous right now.”
The doctor let out a surprised sound.
“Mm? Why?”
You Li tried gesturing with his hands but failed to form anything coherent.
“I keep feeling like I’m going to die for no reason.”
“There’s something dangerous around me but I don’t know where that danger is coming from. Inside my heart, there’s this constant urgency pushing me to do something quickly.”
“Otherwise, I’ll die.”
“But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
The doctor asked, “Do you think someone is trying to kill you?”
You Li thought seriously about it.
“Maybe? Otherwise, why would I be this afraid?”
The doctor changed the question.
“Then who do you think wants to kill you?”
You Li paused.
When he finally answered, even his own tone carried uncertainty, as though he himself couldn’t trust the thought.
“The world?”
“I think this world wants to kill me. I want to leave. It’s fake.”
The doctor’s expression immediately turned solemn.
“How do you want to leave?”
Even his posture subtly changed, as though he could restrain You Li at any second if necessary.
“Doctor, are you afraid I’ll commit suicide?”
You Li asked calmly, then shook his head.
“I won’t kill myself.”
The doctor still pressed the same question.
“Why?”
You Li considered it carefully before giving an unexpectedly precise answer.
“Because it hurts.”
“Even though I can’t remember clearly, I think I must have experienced death once before.”
“When blood leaves the body, everything becomes very cold.”
“I can feel every organ inside me slowly turning into something like a corpse lying in a morgue.”
“I hate the cold.”
“And I’m afraid of pain.”
The doctor seemed to let out a quiet breath of relief yet his brows furrowed even tighter afterward. His pen continued moving across the booklet in swift strokes.
This time, before You Li could speak about what he had seen written down, the doctor summarized it himself.
“We suspect that you have severe persecutory delusions and because of that, you’ve also developed certain self destructive tendencies.”
“At the same time, there’s a strong possibility that you also suffer from schizophrenia. That thing inside your head that talks to you is a second personality you created subconsciously to accompany you and keep yourself from feeling lonely.”
You Li turned to look outside the window again, toward the tightly nailed protective mesh.
The sunlight shining through the glass mixed strangely with the cold white glow of the fluorescent lights indoors, blending together into an illusionary chill that didn’t feel warm at all.
“Is that so?”
His voice was soft.
“That sounds pretty serious.”
The walls of the consultation room were unnaturally white. The icy light reflected against them, making the entire room look pale in an almost corpse like way.
Perhaps he really was gravely ill.
There seemed to be auditory hallucinations in his ears. Beyond the hallway, he thought he could hear miserable screaming, accompanied by the sizzling fragrance of meat frying in oil.
You Li himself didn’t know why he suddenly asked the question.
He simply blurted it out for no apparent reason.
“Could you not use the electric chair to treat me?”
“It sounds really painful,” he said quietly. “And if the meat gets burned black, it’ll become ugly too.”
Because of the weakness and pleading hidden in his tone, his words carried an almost coquettish softness.
His features were exceptionally beautiful. His eyes were pure black yet clear and translucent like glazed glass. Every line of his face was delicate and refined.
He truly did not want to become ugly.
The doctor responded with a question instead.
“How could that happen? Electrotherapy chairs are only used for patients whose conditions are extremely severe. They believe they aren’t sick and usually refuse proper treatment, which causes the hospital a great deal of difficulty. That’s why the hospital has no choice but to adopt certain methods.”
Then he smiled faintly and added,
“But You Li is very well behaved.”
You Li asked,
“Then… will you cut open my brain and dig out the thing that talks to me?”
He felt as though he had once seen something like that before, though he couldn’t remember clearly anymore.
A thick needle driven through the back of the skull, stirring and destroying a certain organ inside the brain,
and then mental illness would be cured.
The doctor looked genuinely surprised.
“Why would you think that?”
He said seriously,
“That kind of treatment is illegal. It’s unethical, immoral and completely inhumane.”
A trace of shame appeared on You Li’s face.
“Sorry.”
The doctor said,
“Our hospital is one of the most famous psychiatric rehabilitation hospitals in the country. Not only are our treatment methods among the most advanced in the world, they also fully comply with all legal and medical regulations.”
He paused before continuing gently,
“I know you may not trust us right now but please believe me.”
“We will definitely cure you.”
You Li thanked him with a mixture of helplessness and sincerity.
“I understand now. Thank you.”
The doctor continued,
“You don’t need to worry. Although your condition is much more serious now compared to when you first woke up, we’ll simply increase the dosage according to the treatment plan.”
“Do you still remember how to take your medicine?”
Of course You Li remembered.
“I need to use the pill divider. I can’t take too much and I can’t take too little either.”
The doctor finally looked reassured.
“That’s right. Today’s consultation is almost over. You can’t continue taking the previous medication anymore, so I’ll prescribe some new medicine for you. I’ll accompany you downstairs to the pharmacy to pick it up.”
“You absolutely must take it on time.”
You Li nodded obediently.
He also believed he was sick.
Naturally, he wanted to recover.
The doctor stood up.
“Shall we go?”
Very skillfully, You Li opened both arms toward him and tilted his face upward.
“Thank you, Doctor.”
The doctor bent down and lifted the young patient sitting in the chair into his arms with practiced ease before straightening up again.
After two months of treatment, You Li had already become extremely familiar with his attending physician. At ease, he wrapped his arms around the doctor’s neck and allowed himself to be carried quietly.
Only after the doctor carefully placed him into the wheelchair outside the consultation room did You Li let go, politely thanking him once more.
“Thank you.”
The doctor slightly lowered his body and began pushing the wheelchair toward the elevators at the end of the hallway.
Outside, there were many other patients waiting for treatment as well. All kinds of people filled the corridor, chatting noisily among themselves.
Yet every single one of them used a strange gaze to stare at You Li as he sat in the wheelchair being pushed forward by the doctor.
As though unable to endure it, You Li turned his face slightly to the side, wanting to speak to the doctor behind him.
Without stopping his footsteps, the doctor leaned down to listen.
“It seems like the hospital has admitted a lot of new patients again.”
The doctor smiled.
“Of course. Getting an appointment at our hospital is something many people can’t even compete for.”
You Li nodded to show he understood.
The elevator arrived with a clear “ding ”.
The doctor straightened up and pushed the wheelchair carrying the young man inside.
At the exact moment they entered the elevator, You Li spoke softly.
“It’s really noisy.”
“The hallway is noisy?” the doctor asked.
The elevator doors slowly slid shut, sealing away the clamorous corridor outside.
All at once, the surroundings became quiet.
And in that sudden silence, the sharp mechanical noise inside his head seemed to amplify even further.
You Li lifted his head and smiled faintly at the doctor. Then he shook his head, looking genuinely troubled.
“The thing inside my head is talking again.”
“It’s so noisy.”
Inside his mind, there was only the sharp crackling of electric static.
“Hello, Host. I am 04.”
“I am your exclusive system.”
“Please do not disclose my existence to anyone.”
“Please do not bel- ”
There was a brief pause.
Then the system’s mechanical voice continued its notification calmly.
“You have already remained inside this instance for sixty six days.”
✦ ✧ ✦
Nycreth
[Translator]
☕ A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE TRANSLATOR
✦ The translator summons words. You may summon coffee. ✦
☕ BUY THEM A COFFEE →
✧ (づ｡•ㅅ•｡)づ ☕ ✧
✦ thank you for reading ✦
Next →
ChaptersChapter 1 · I have amnesia (1)Chapter 2 · I have amnesia (2)Chapter 3 · I have amnesia (3)Chapter 4 · I have amnesia (4)Chapter 5 · I have amnesia (5)Chapter 6 · I have amnesia (6)Chapter 7 · I have amnesia (7)Chapter 8 · I have amnesia (8)Chapter 9 · I have amnesia (9)Chapter 10 · I have amnesia (10)Chapter 11 · I have amnesia (11)Chapter 12 · I have amnesia (12)Chapter 13 · I have amnesia (14)Chapter 14 · I have amnesia (14)Chapter 15 · I have amnesia (15)Chapter 16 · I have amnesia (16)Chapter 17 · I have amnesia (17)Chapter 18 · I have amnesia (18)Chapter 19 · I have amnesia (19)Chapter 20 · I have amnesia (20)Chapter 21 · I have amnesia (21)Chapter 22 · I have amnesia (22)Chapter 23 · I have amnesia (23)Chapter 24 · I have amnesia (24)Chapter 25 · I have amnesia (25)Chapter 26 · I have amnesia (26)Chapter 27 · I have amnesia (27)Chapter 28 · I have amnesia (28)Chapter 29 · Desert Highway (1)Chapter 30 · Desert Highway (2)Chapter 31 · Desert Highway (3)Chapter 32 · Desert Highway (4)Chapter 33 · Desert Highway (5)Chapter 34 · Desert Highway (6)Chapter 35 · Desert Highway (7)Chapter 36 · Desert Highway (8)Chapter 37 · Desert Highway (9)Chapter 38 · Desert Highway (10)Chapter 39 · Desert Highway (11)Chapter 40 · Desert Highway (12)Chapter 41 · Desert Highway (13)Chapter 42 · Desert Highway (14)Chapter 43 · Desert Highway (15)