After Xu Yan sobered up, he completely forgot everything that had happened the night before. So when Ji Ran called and addressed him as “Yan Yan,” he flew into a rage.
“Why are you calling me Yan Yan?” Xu Yan asked, utterly baffled, speaking into the phone.
“You don’t remember what happened last night?”
Xu Yan was completely clueless. The headache from his hangover left him no time to search through his few remaining memory fragments. He retorted directly, “What are you talking about? I can’t remember.”
“Forget it,” Ji Ran sighed softly over the phone. Xu Yan just found it all inexplicable. “Did I do something outrageous last night?”
“No,” Ji Ran paused for a few seconds. “Just don’t drink again next time.”
“Okay, sure. Did you call just for that?”
Ji Ran curled his lips in self-mockery. He had actually planned to confess this morning. But Xu Yan had completely forgotten everything that happened last night.
“If there’s nothing else, I’m hanging up. We’ll see each other again in a few days when school starts,” Xu Yan mumbled with a toothbrush in his mouth before ending the call.
His phone screen suddenly lit up with a WeChat message from Qiu Muyang. Xu Yan tapped it directly.
[Qiu Muyang]: There’s something I’ve been holding back for a long time, bro.
[Xu Yan]: Go ahead.
Xu Yan watched the “typing…” indicator above the chat box persist for nearly a minute, unconsciously furrowing his brow.
[Qiu Muyang]: Are you straight?
Xu Yan hesitated for a moment before slowly sending a question mark in response.
[Qiu Muyang]: No other meaning, bro. Just asking.
Xu Yan decisively sent a voice message: “I am absolutely, without a doubt, straight!”
After sending it, Xu Yan felt a wave of relief and relaxed. He couldn’t help but wonder what he had done last night to make both his friends act so strangely this morning.
But unfortunately, his mind was a complete blank.
Time slipped through their fingers, and in the blink of an eye, spring was in full bloom. It had been over a month since Lilin No. 3 High School started the new semester.
From the beginning of the semester until now, the teachers of Class 2 had been pushing the curriculum at an intense pace, leaving Xu Yan struggling to keep up. He would collapse onto his desk to sleep as soon as class ended, and sometimes even during lessons.
Of course, he wasn’t the only one in this state.
“Alright, everyone, look up. I have an announcement,” Du Bo said during math class. Seeing the lethargic state of Class 2, he clapped his hands to liven up the atmosphere and boost morale, but the effect was minimal.
Seeing this, Du Bo jumped off the podium and jogged around the classroom aisles, clapping and shouting, “Wake up, everyone!”
Xu Yan lifted his eyelids and looked at Du Bo, who was full of energy and vitality. He thought the saying “a man remains a boy at heart until he dies” perfectly described Du Bo.
“Ahem,” Du Bo cleared his throat and returned to the podium to announce, “Listen up. According to tradition, we’ll be having a study trip next week. You all know about this, right?”
Instantly, the entire Class 2 looked up, their eyes gleaming as they stared intently at Du Bo. Feeling slightly unnerved by their gaze, Du Bo forced a smile and continued, “Our class won’t be focusing on deep reflections or anything like that for this trip. We’ll just eat, have fun, and enjoy ourselves! This will probably be the last class activity before the college entrance exams, so treat it like a team-building event and have a great time!”
Class 2 fell silent for half a second before erupting into thunderous applause and cheers: “Yeah! Old Du, you’re the best!”
“Yan, what’s the plan for the study trip?” Qiu Muyang took advantage of the commotion to turn and ask Xu Yan.
Xu Yan slumped listlessly on the desk, replying half-heartedly, “Whatever, just go with the flow.”
Qiu Muyang said, “I specifically asked some seniors about it. They said once we arrive at the research site, we’ll form teams and move around freely. Want to team up then?”
“Oh, sure.” Xu Yan turned his head and met Ji Ran’s intense gaze, then stiffly turned it back.
“What about the top student?” Qiu Muyang lowered his head, deliberately lowering his voice as he avoided Ji Ran’s hostile stare and asked Xu Yan.
Xu Yan idly clicked his pen cap, glancing sideways at Ji Ran, who sat beside him with an utterly serious and unreadable expression. He slapped the table angrily, saying, “What does his business have to do with me!”
Qiu Muyang, caught in the crossfire, nervously swallowed as he felt the tense atmosphere between the two. After hesitating for a few seconds, he resolutely turned his head away.
At times like this, it was better not to ask.
The cold war between Xu Yan and Ji Ran lasted until the day of No. 3 High School’s research trip.
To call it a cold war was perhaps an overstatement—it was mostly Xu Yan ignoring Ji Ran. Xu Yan had learned about the research trip about three days earlier than most of Class 2. As soon as he heard the news, he eagerly went to discuss with Ji Ran how they could have fun together, only to receive Ji Ran’s response: “Not interested.”
Not interested! Not interested meant he didn’t like it, not liking it meant he disliked it, and disliking it meant he thought Xu Yan was meddling in his affairs!
The more Xu Yan thought about it, the angrier he became, to the point where he couldn’t sleep the entire night before the research trip.
Early the next morning, Xu Yan, with heavy dark circles under his eyes and utterly exhausted, lined up to board the school-chartered bus.
As soon as he got on, he saw Ji Ran sitting upright by the window. Even the blue-and-white spring school uniform couldn’t hide Ji Ran’s ethereal aura.
Proud and aloof.
Xu Yan lifted his foot, about to take the empty seat next to Ji Ran, when he suddenly remembered—they were in a cold war. Until Ji Ran apologized, he couldn’t shamelessly approach him first.
But Ji Ran shifted his gaze toward Xu Yan, about to ask him to sit beside him, when Qiu Muyang interrupted.
“Yanzi, sit next to me.” Qiu Muyang enthusiastically pulled Xu Yan, who had only taken half a step forward. Xu Yan was caught off guard, and by the time he reacted, the bus had already started moving toward the research destination.
Xu Yan sat in the aisle seat, seemingly leaning against the backrest of the seat in front of him, resting with his head down. But out of the corner of his eye, he kept glancing at Ji Ran.
Ji Ran was looking out the window at the scenery, while Xu Yan was secretly watching him.
No. 3 High School’s research site was chosen at Yushan in Lilin, far from the hustle and bustle of the city, surrounded by natural scenic gardens. Simply put, Yushan was in the suburbs, not heavily developed, and very pristine.
“Whoa, Yanzi, look! The school really outdid itself this time.” Qiu Muyang pointed excitedly at the wild monkeys outside the window. Xu Yan glanced over and replied with little interest, “Oh, the school really went all out this time.”
Qiu Muyang said, “You’re so half-hearted. Why don’t you go talk to the top student?”
“Not going,” Xu Yan stubbornly insisted.
“Why are you two in a cold war anyway?” Qiu Muyang finally voiced the question that had been bothering him for nearly half a month.
Xu Yan turned his head, staring at Ji Ran, who was still looking at the scenery, and sneered with his arms crossed, “Hah, he thinks I’m meddling.”
“Huh?” Qiu Muyang said in surprise, “The top student actually says people meddle?”
Xu Yan nodded confidently, “You don’t know him well enough. He does.”
Qiu Muyang widened his eyes and looked toward Ji Ran, who was sitting by the window in the back row, thinking to himself, The top student really keeps a low profile.
The bus stopped in the parking lot at the entrance of Yushan Scenic Area. As soon as they got off, Du Bo counted the number of people and told the students of Class Two to disband on the spot and form their own groups to explore.
“Yes!” Qiu Muyang excitedly clenched his fist in a cheering gesture, then called Xu Yan and a few other friends over. “Let’s go hiking.”
Xu Yan smiled and agreed, then coldly glanced at Ji Ran, who was standing alone under a tree looking lonely, and brushed past him without a word.
Ji Ran stood there in shock, watching Xu Yan and Qiu Muyang chatting and laughing with high spirits. Unconsciously, he clenched his fists, veins bulging on the back of his hands.
Suddenly, Ji Ran walked over and inserted himself between Qiu Muyang and Xu Yan, startling Qiu Muyang so much that he stumbled.
“Bro, what are you doing?” Qiu Muyang asked, steadying himself and looking speechlessly at Ji Ran, whose gaze was fierce.
“Can I hike with you?” Ji Ran asked expressionlessly.
“Suit yourself.” Xu Yan tossed out these words and resolutely started climbing the stone steps of Yushan alone, not waiting for anyone.
Qiu Muyang and the other friends he had called exchanged glances for a moment before decisively following Xu Yan’s lead, climbing in silence.
Ji Ran followed closely behind.
When they reached the halfway platform, Xu Yan began to feel a bit exhausted. He turned around, intending to ask Qiu Muyang to take a short break, but unexpectedly collided squarely with Ji Ran.
“Why are you behind me? Shouldn’t it be Qiu Muyang?” Xu Yan asked in surprise, tilting his head to look down the mountain, only to find his view completely blocked by Ji Ran standing in front of him.
Annoyed, Xu Yan took half a step to the side, but Ji Ran mirrored his movement, once again obstructing his view entirely.
Confused, Xu Yan looked up, trying to detect any unusual emotion on Ji Ran’s face, but all he met was Ji Ran’s calm, placid gaze.
“Move aside,” Xu Yan said coldly.
The mountain breeze rustled the bamboo leaves, stretching the flow of time infinitely. Ji Ran’s words, “Xu Yan, I was wrong,” echoed endlessly in Xu Yan’s ears.
Ji Ran apologized to him?
“What were you wrong about?”
“I don’t know.”
Xu Yan: “…”
The awkward atmosphere felt both long and brief—long enough to make Xu Yan’s scalp tingle, as if he were being unreasonable, and brief enough for Qiu Muyang to appear instantly by his side.
Panting heavily, Qiu Muyang placed a hand on Xu Yan’s shoulder and cursed, “Are you two even human? Are you here to hike or to race up the mountain?”
“Hiking,” Ji Ran replied flatly, glancing at Qiu Muyang’s restless hand.
Qiu Muyang instinctively withdrew his hand, looked around, and suddenly suggested, “According to my plan, there should be a snack street halfway up the mountain. Why don’t we take a break from climbing and go buy some food?”
“Sure,” Xu Yan agreed with a smile, preparing to sling an arm around Qiu Muyang’s neck. Unexpectedly, Ji Ran abruptly inserted himself between them again.
Xu Yan’s outstretched arm froze in the air for a moment before he let it fall naturally onto Ji Ran’s shoulder.
A faint smile tugged at Ji Ran’s lips. His tone was calm but unexpectedly moving: “Why didn’t you want to walk with me earlier?”
Xu Yan: “…”
Because I was angry.
“And now, if I stay this close to you, will your friends be upset?”
Xu Yan: “…”
No way, dude, have you been possessed?
Qiu Muyang, who had been accidentally caught in the crossfire, cursed inwardly. He pulled the other buddies he was teamed up with and bowed apologetically to Xu Yan and Ji Ran, saying, “Top students, how could we be angry? Take your time chatting, take your time.”
As soon as Qiu Muyang finished speaking, he immediately dragged his friends away, making a quick escape.
“Ji Ran, what exactly do you want?” Xu Yan looked at the unruffled Ji Ran and couldn’t help but laugh in frustration. As he laughed, half of his earlier anger dissipated.
Xu Yan released his arm from Ji Ran’s shoulder and calmly walked toward the railing on the hillside platform. Leaning on the railing with his elbows, he fell silent.
Xu Yan clearly understood that his feelings for Ji Ran were strange—so strange that he couldn’t even put them into words.
He would get inexplicably angry, act unreasonably sentimental, and feel a lingering palpitation that refused to settle.
The wind blowing toward him calmed his restless heart a little. Just as he was about to pull Ji Ran to the snack street to buy something to eat, Ji Ran suddenly spoke up: “Xu Yan, I want to get closer to you.”
Xu Yan was taken aback. “Aren’t we close enough already?”
“Not enough,” Ji Ran fell silent for a moment. “I want to be your boyfriend.”
What… what? Boyfriend?
“Male best friend?” Xu Yan deliberately twisted Ji Ran’s words and retorted.
Ji Ran let out a self-deprecating chuckle, his gaze lingering on Xu Yan with tenderness and affection. “No, Xu Yan. I’ve liked you for a long time. I want to be your boyfriend.”
Damn.
Xu Yan cursed inwardly. Unintentionally meeting Ji Ran’s direct and intense gaze, his ears flushed so red they seemed about to bleed.
Feeling uneasy, Xu Yan rubbed his earlobe. His fingertips trembled slightly with joy, but soon a chill spread from his spine throughout his body, calming his racing heart.
An inexplicable fear made Xu Yan instinctively take half a step back. He shook his head and refused, “Ji Ran, I don’t like you.”
“It’s okay,” Ji Ran said softly. “I just wanted to tell you that I like you, and I will pursue you.”
“I… I’m not gay,” Xu Yan repeated his refusal in a weak, unconvincing tone.
Ji Ran stood calmly in place, his tone as firm as a verdict. “Yes, you are.”
Xu Yan’s pale lie was abruptly exposed, frightening him into fleeing in panic.
Ji Ran’s affection came with a direct, intense, and overwhelming force, but deep down, Xu Yan couldn’t bring himself to believe that Ji Ran truly liked him.
After all, in every intimate relationship he had experienced growing up, he had never even received love from his parents, the people closest to him.
Xu Yan couldn’t understand how someone without blood ties, someone who had only been his deskmate for nearly a year, could possibly like him.
He knew clearly that he liked Ji Ran, but if he was destined never to receive enough affection, it was better to nip this budding emotion in the bud.
So he chose to escape—to escape the fact that Ji Ran liked him, and to escape the fact that he liked Ji Ran.
He firmly believed that avoidance could solve many problems.
Thus, after the team-building event ended, he silently changed his seat without a word.
But he hadn’t anticipated that Ji Ran would later move his seat back beside him. Moreover, Ji Ran said he would pursue him and began approaching him in a clumsy yet sincere way, chasing him throughout their entire senior year of high school.
For Xu Yan, memories of his senior year of high school were far from pleasant; it seemed like all he did was take exams. Yet he had to admit, it was Ji Ran’s doting that got him through that year.
At the start of the year, Xu Yan often skipped breakfast because of exams. After Ji Ran found out, Xu Yan received a daily delivery of his favorite millet and pumpkin porridge.
When Xu Yan was stressed, he would ramble inexplicably, and only Ji Ran would keep responding, never letting his words fall flat. As for reviewing test papers, taking notes, and highlighting key points before exams—all those little academic things—they went without saying…
Beyond that, Xu Yan also received over a hundred love letters from Ji Ran. Though clumsily worded, Xu Yan found them strangely touching.
Throughout that entire year, Xu Yan stubbornly rejected Ji Ran’s repeated confessions, yet he accepted Ji Ran’s kindness without a hint of guilt.
His avoidance was never complete, and his responses were never clear. He enjoyed the ambiguous push-and-pull of their undefined relationship but feared stepping into true intimacy.
He wanted it both ways.
That was how he was six years ago, and it was no different six years later.