As we entered the Safe Room, aka Sal’s, the first thing I noticed was that it had a 1950’s diner aesthetic in a pastel teal and white. Booths lined the walls and in the back center was a long bar with a register on one side and multiple bar stools lining the front. Beyond the bar were shelves of alcohol with a pass-through window to one side and a door on the other. Through the window I could see the sterile steel of a professional kitchen.
Above the shelves of alcohol were several screens with information about the game, Dungeon Crawler World, that we currently found ourselves participating in. I examined the first with interest.
Countdown until the premier of Dungeon Crawler World: Earth:
15 hours, 2 minutes.
Starting Crawlers:
12,999,969
Remaining Crawlers:
4,206,666
For a long moment I stared at that last number as it continued to slowly drop, 4,206,654.
Jesus Christ. Only thirteen million entered, and before the first twenty-four hours have passed almost nine million of those have died already? What the actual fuck?
I felt the world start to spin as my breathing and heart rate increased as intrusive thoughts tried to enter my head. Suddenly, I felt arms encircle me and Lynn’s voice next to my ear, grounding me at once.
“It’s unbelievable, but we are still here and for the sake of those we have lost, we need to be strong. Don’t forget that,” she whispered before giving me a little squeeze with her arms. I felt a peck on my cheek, then she let me go.
“Thank you, I needed that,” I told her.
“Mm Hm,” she replied.
I turned my attention to the other screens. The second one was labeled at the top Leaderboard, but stated underneath that the leaderboard would not be populated until the collapse of the third floor.
I moved on to the third screen.
Welcome to Sal’s Saferoom Bar and Grill. You are currently on the 1st Floor.
Rental Rooms currently available: 15
Rental Room Price: 0 gold
Personal Spaces will become available for purchase on the 4th Floor.
Food and Drink available at this location. Bathing and Showering facilities are available at this location. Restrooms are available at this location.
The fourth screen was a map of the area, not partially blacked out by the fog of war like our personal maps were. If I had to guess, it covered probably one or two square miles with other safe zones marked in gold. All of the bathrooms in the area were marked too. I took a moment to study the map, wishing that my own would populate with the new information.
The room appeared to be empty.
“Hello?” Lynn, who had gotten off Marv before following me inside, asked hopefully.
Suddenly I heard someone clearing their throat in front of me.
I looked around but didn’t see anyone.
“Oy. Down ‘ere,” called a gruff voice.
I looked down and behind the bar, near the register, was someone so short I almost missed them. From behind the bar, they were well hidden, with only the top of their head visible. The hair that I could see was wild, as if it hadn’t been washed or brushed in years.
“Let meh git mah stool so’s yeh can see meh better,” the voice said.
There was a moment of rustling from behind the bar followed by a solid chunk of hard wood hitting stone. A few seconds later, along with a fit of nearly inaudible muttering, a very hairy face rose into view followed by a stocky torso wearing a red flannel shirt and a greasy apron that, like the hair on the creature’s head, looked like it had never been washed. I was reminded of the artwork for the fantasy novels I had read growing up. If you popped a set of chainmail, a helmet, and a battle axe on the creature in front of us, I would have sworn it was a dwarf, however, its description declared it to be something different.
Sal – Bopca Protector. Level 69.
Caretaker of this Safe Room.
This is a non-combatant NPC.
Bopca Protectors are gnomelike creatures created solely to maintain and care for Safe Rooms. They will take care of all the standard functions of a Safe Room, including preparing hot meals and scrubbing the toilets. This magical race is known for their strong odor and bad attitude but they will defend threats to their turf with an iron fist. While their hygiene may be lacking due to their unwillingness to ever wash any part of their body, they are all skilled chefs and mostly willing to serve. Though it is a common misconception, Bopca Protectors are not Dwarves, nor are they related to them in any way and hate the comparison.
“Dude, is that a fucking dwarf?” I heard Matt say from behind me.
I caught Sal’s flat emotionless stare before I turned to stare at Matt. I wasn’t the only one. Marv and my other friends were all staring at him too. Aaron’s remaining hand snaked out and popped him on the back of the head as Mary covered her face in shame.
“You really have no internal editor, do you?” Lynn asked.
“Is your brain as smooth as a ripened apple skin?” Marv asked at the same time.
“Out.” I heard Sal say in his gruff voice.
“Goddamnit, Matt,” I said, shooting bullets with my eyes. “We haven’t even been here for 30 seconds and you already have gotten us kicked out? Fucking examine things before you comment on them.”
“Not you. Him,” Sal said, pointing a grubby finger at Matt. “The rest o’yeh can stay, but he has to go.”
“Apologize,” Mary hissed as she clung to him.
Matt stared at Sal for a moment then his eyes widened. Clearly, he had just taken my advice.
“Sorry, dude. I didn't know,” Matt said, hanging his head low, as if ashamed. Instead, it came off as slightly condescending because of the natural smirk that came with his somewhat hawkish features.
“Out.” Sal repeated.
“Seriously? I said I was sorry,” Matt replied before looking to me, his eyes pleading.
“And somehow I like yeh less now,” Sal huffed. “Now git yer arse out o’meh pub!”
I sighed, rolled my eyes at Matt and turned to face Sal.
“Please. We've had a really bad day.” I explained, trying my best to show my sincerity. “He's an idiot, but he didn't know what you were. I’ll keep him on a short leash and even staple his mouth shut if you prefer.”
Sal's glare remained fixed on Matt for another few seconds before he grunted.
“Fine. He stays. But he calls meh a dwarf again, I'll personally toss his arse through that door,” he replied gruffly before adding in a nearly inaudible mutter, “Of all the times to not have a fuckin stapler… callin meh a fuckin dwarf. I wouldn’t even say that to meh brother, fuckin arsehole that he is.”
“Thank you very much, Sal!” I said giving him my brightest smile and the visible skin of his face, even under all the dirt and grime, reddened before he found a spot on his bar’s countertop that clearly wasn’t clean enough because he then spit on it and made a show of polishing it vigorously.
“Sit anywhere yeh like,” he said not looking up. “I’ll be with yeh in a second.”
We chose one of the tables near the bar that had enough space around it to reasonably accommodate Marv and, after a moment, Sal made his way over to where we sat.
“What do yeh want?” he asked in such a way that it came out as one word.
“Do you have any menus?” I asked.
“No needing fer them. Jus tell meh what yeh want and I’ll whip it up fer yeh,” he said curtly.
“Oh, in that ca-“ Matt started to say before Sal cut him off.
“No you, yeh’ll git what I give yeh,” the bopca stated with a pointed stare then turned to me. “I’ll start with yeh. Anythin yeh want, jus name it, I can make it.”
“Anything?” I asked to make sure that he meant it.
“Anythin.” He confirmed with a nod.
“Kimchi Fried Rice with fried chicken, cheddar, and two fried eggs… oh, and a peach Mellow Yellow to drink…” I paused for a second. “And if you’ll permit me to make a weird request for a desert, I would like a deep fried Snickle.”
“Err…” Sal looked momentarily perplexed then, as if a revelation hit him, he nodded. “Okay. Next?”
He looked to Marv.
“I would like the biggest steak you can procure, ultra rare with as little seasoning as possible,” my unicorn replied.
We all stared at him, with the exception of Sal who moved on to Mary who was on the other side of Marv.
“What? Unicorns are carnivores,” Marv said as if that explained everything.
Sal took the rest of our orders, making a point to skip over Matt, then pointed towards the rear of the room.
“It’ll take meh a while to git this all made. There are communal baths, iffin yeh want to clean yerselves up in the meantime. Womenfolk on the left, Men on the right. Food’ll be ready by the time yer done.”
“I was just about to ask if there was somewhere we could clean up,” I replied with a smile. “Thank you, Sal.”
He turned away quickly, but not before I could see the heat rising to his face again.
“I don’t have any facilities fer yer unicorn to bathe in though, sorry,” he said as he walked away. “They didna provide meh with accommodations for a beastie of that size.”
With that he disappeared behind the bar.
We all stood up, minus Marv who was already standing, and made our way to the doors of the baths that Sal had indicated. I hesitated and looked to Marv.
“Worry not for me, My Lady. You can give me a good grooming afterward with my new grooming kit,” he said, seeming to know the reason for my hesitation.
I nodded and started to follow Aaron and Matt into the men’s baths when I felt someone pull on my arm.
“Where are you going?” Lynn asked.
“Umm, to get clean?” I answered.
“Girl, you aren’t going to go bathe with the guys are you?” She asked.
“Yes?” I responded, confused.
“Have you seen the looks they have been giving your chest? You go in there and take your top off, they are going to be staring at your tits,” She pointed out.
“Yeah, but I can’t take the bra off so it’s not like I would be flashing nips everywhere,” I said.
“Just come to the girls side. Trust me, you don’t want those two ogling you and Mary was already expecting you to come,” she said.
“But I’m a guy. Plus, if I snuck off to the women’s room where Mary is, Matt is going to flip his shit. You know how jealous he gets.”
“Fuck him. First, you and Mary dated before he dated her. Hell, they only met because of you so he should be grateful to you, but that isn’t the point. The point is, Mary, like me, has seen you naked before so it’s not like we’ll be shocked at anything you’ve got going on downstairs.”
She tugged on my arm, leading me towards the women’s bath, where Mary was waiting beside the door.
“Plus, anyway, you’re practically one of the girls at this point so it makes sense that you join us. And if Matt tries to say anything about it, let Mary handle him.”
A statement that Mary nodded in agreement with.
“I’ll handle him, don’t you worry, and if you are uncomfortable being exposed down there,” Mary said motioning toward my crotch, “you can just wrap a towel around your waist to keep yourself covered.”
And then I was drug into what appeared to a locker room with small lockers that had removable keys with a wristband attached to them so that after storing your stuff, you could take the key with you regardless of your state of undress. I also noticed that there were several signs in Japanese with accompanying illustrations on the proper steps to prepare for bathing.
MARY: Hey guys, Clay is bathing with us so don’t wait for her to join you in the men’s baths. Matt, we’ll talk about this later.
MATT: Like hell we will. Hold on, I’ll come over there right now. There is no way you are bathing with your Ex.
MARY: Don’t you dare. You keep your ass over there on the men’s side where you belong. Don’t think I haven’t seen the way you’ve been staring at her chest. Lynn and I aren’t going to subject her to your ogling.
MATT: I haven’t been ogling him.
LYNN: Please, you and Aaron both have been staring at her.
CLAY: Matt, I’ll keep myself covered and my eyes closed if that will make you feel better, I’m not being given much of a choice by the girls.
“Also, I’m still a guy and while I normally don’t care what pronouns someone uses for me, y’all are taking this a bit too far, don’t you think?” I pointed out.
“Not really,” Lynn replied without hesitation. “Plus, let’s be real, you have practically been my girlfriend since the first time you let me dress you up and you make a much better girl than guy.”
The conversation in our party chat had devolved to Matt and Mary practically yelling at each other before taking it into IMs with each other.
“Besides, you can’t tell me you don’t enjoy it when people treat you like one of the girls. I’ve seen how much more comfortable you are when let your inner Callie out.”
I felt the heat rise in my face.
“Whatever, I’m done talking about this. We are wasting time. Let’s just get this over with,” I said.
“Ugh! Men!” Mary shouted suddenly, clearly agitated.
Just then I had an IM ping into existence.
MATT: You better keep your eyes shut the entire time.