Before anything happened, my notifications folder popped open and several achievements had sprung up in my vision. How I had missed these, I don’t know. Maybe I had subconsciously filed them away for later viewing? Who knows, but with the way everything else in this HUD worked, that would make sense. None of them were too exciting, there was one for Tommy dying that rewarded a bronze explosives box, one for walking beside and not riding Marv that rewarded a bronze pet box, and the rest were bronze adventurer box achievements… except for one.
New Achievement: Opps I Did It Again.
This one is on me. Due to an error in my spatial logic simulator, your friend Jenn went out with a bang! Not only that, your friend Kylie ended up unconscious and bleeding out in the bathroom she was in. And all this is entirely my fault. The Borant Corporation wants me to shrug it off as a friendly reminder that danger comes in all shapes and sizes, but I believe that the biggest danger you should face in the bathroom outside of Montezuma’s Revenge after eating Chipotle, is running out of toilet paper afterwards.
[SYSTEM NOTICE: This error was a glitch in the system and is in no way the fault of Borant Corporation, its subsidiaries, or Syndicate showrunners. Any admission of guilt by the Core AI is considered non-binding, emotionally compromised data and cannot be used in a Syndicate court of law. Please do not sue us.]
Reward: What would be a heartfelt apology if I had a heart and a Legendary Weapon Box!
Suddenly, a row of fifteen boxes appeared in front of me, lined up.
“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!” Simbul yelled.
I look at the little fairly who had just yelled as she frantically flipped through her index cards.
“I got the order wrong!” she wailed a woeful wail. “My first Crawlers and I got everything out of order! Woe!”
She looked at the line of loot boxes that had in front of me and wailed again.
“You’re so stupid, Simbi! You haven’t even gone over the skills tab or the customizations options to make the huge lists more manageable by hiding all those stupid skills like how to wipe your ass. Woe!” she wails again. “They are going to be hit with information overload and all die and it’ll all be my fault because they are my first crawlers and I’m such a fuck up!”
My friends all exchanged a look while my attention was primarily on the line of boxes in front of me.
“Maybe Clay can pause and you can go over all that before he opens his?” Lynn said in an attempt to mollify the fairy who was starting to look like she was having trouble breathing.
“She can’t pause the process. Once she wills them to open, they will open and she’ll just have to wait till it is done.” Simbul cried.
The first box in front of me, a bronze and wooden box about the size of a small foot locker with a weird hedgehog carved on it and the text…
Bronze Pet Box(1/15)
…floated above it as the box hovered in front of me. The lid opened automatically without me touching int and the box vanished with a poof. On the floor where the box had been floating over sat a bag of what looked like doggy biscuits and a scroll. Floating text appeared over of the items informing me that they were called Pet Biscuits x10 and Scroll of Heal Critter. The items vanished into my inventory and I noted that a new tab relevant to them had appeared. The next box took its place.
“I’m not a she.” I said absentmindedly.
“Yeah, whatever lady,” Simbul huffed. “They could extend my contract or worse, put me on a lower floor in a combat position because of this. I’m doomed! You’re doomed! We’re all DOOMED!!!”
Aaron moved to raise a hand as if to slap some sense into the fairy then froze in place again, the word ‘Naughty’ blazing above his head again.
Matt tsked and shook his head.
“How about this then,” Lynn offered. “After Clay finishes, you can go over all that stuff before any of us open our stuff. Okay?”
Simbul paused as if thinking really hard for a moment as my next box, which looked just like the first one opened, only this time it had five pet biscuits and two scrolls of Heal Critter. The little fairy brightened visibly and soon her demeaner was all sunshine and roses again.
“What an excellent suggestion Lynn, thank you!” she beamed.
The next box moved in front of me and opened, depositing its items before me.
Bronze Explosive Box (3/15)
Weak Dynamite x3, Smoke Bomb x2
I rushed to examine the items before they vanished into my inventory like the pet items had.
Weak Dynamite
Exactly what it sounds like, a small stick of boomy goodness that, if you aren’t careful may just blow your hand off. These sticks of dynamite can hardly be considered as stable. Handle with care unless you want to end up like your Uncle Joe.
Smoke Bomb
Light one of these up when you really want to get high. The smoke they produce, while not laced with THC will still get the job done all while hiding you from the watchful eyes of annoying authority figures. Warning, make sure you have plenty on hand to eat, you’ll need it!
Off to the side I hear Simbul giggle about something but decide to ignore her as the next bronze box opens, this one with a sword on it.
Bronze Weapon Box (4/15)
Fishbone Wand
This is the skeleton of a prehistoric tuna. Or a large very unfortunate carp. Either way, it's been stripped of everything but its dignity. It doesn't sparkle, it doesn't shout about love and justice, and it definitely doesn't help you transform into that magical girl you always wanted to be, but its ribcage is surprisingly sturdy. Basically, it’s just a three-foot-long serrated club.
Lynn snickered at the description of the giant fish skeleton before it disappeared and I knew that she had caught to reference. I sighed wondering if all the equippable gear I got was going to have descriptors that reference magical girl anime. The next bronze box moved in front of me and I could see the five after it all looked the same
Bronze Adventurer Box (5/15)
Standard Healing Potion x 2, Torch x2, Crawler Biscuits x10
The next 5 boxes all contained the same types of items and by the time they had all ran their course, I had twelve standard healing potions, 6 torches, and close to a hundred crawler biscuits which Simbul assured me would keep me fed in a pinch. Then my first silver box moved into place.
Silver Apparel Box (10/15)
Gloves of Intelligence +1
This fashionable, silk gloves will ensure that your hands stay protected as you flail wildly about the dungeon floor, desperately pretending that you actually know what you are doing. They won't magically teach you how to survive a goblin ambush, but if nothing else, they’ll make you feel smarter. And in this place, Clay, delusion is half the battle.
Intelligence +1
Followed by the next which were gold…
Gold Apparel Box (11/15)
Star-Maiden’s boots of Skid Resistance
These finely tailored, thigh-high, high-heeled boots are part of the legendary Star-Maiden’s Regalia set. Crafted from a shimmering, starlight-infused material that hugs the legs perfectly, they scream high fashion while quietly whispering, "I am going to stomp a hole in your skull." Despite the absurdly sharp four-inch heels, the soles are enchanted with a friction-defying field. You could walk across a frozen lake covered in melted butter and banana peels while carrying an open bowl of soup, and you still wouldn't slip.
Dexterity +2
Equip effect: High Slip Resistance. Gives absolute immunity to the [Prone] condition caused by icy, wet, greasy, or otherwise slick surfaces.
Set Bonus (1/5): Collecting all pieces of the Star-Maiden’s Regalia will unlock advanced cosmic abilities and increase your overall Charisma by 15%.
And then…
Gold Apparel Box (12/15)
Star-Maiden’s Battle Fuku
This is the centerpiece of the Star-Maiden’s Regalia. It features a dazzlingly white bodice, a broad sailor collar in deep cosmic blue, and a hyper-pleated mini-skirt that defies both gravity and decency. A massive, but fashionable, pink bow is fastened to the chest. Clay, let’s be honest here. You entered a multi-level death dungeon dressed as a magical anime schoolgirl for a laugh with your girlfriend. Now? Now it’s your armor. It is perfectly tailored to your frame, which means everyone in the dungeon gets a fantastic view of your thighs. Own it, you sexy thang.
Oh, Clay. Look at you. The skirt is so beautifully short, and that bow really accentuates your chest. You look absolutely radiant. Don't worry about the draft, the tactical pleats allow for maximum air circulation during high-intensity combat. Run, Sailor Clay! Sparkle for me! SPARKLE! Daddy likes!
Charisma +2
Equip Effect: Plus 25% duration to charm effects.
Set Bonus (1/5): Collecting all pieces of the Star-Maiden’s Regalia will unlock advanced cosmic abilities and increase your overall Charisma by 15%.
I sighed, definitely seeing a running theme.
“Looks like you got an admirer in the AI, Clay!” Simbul declared. “That could work out to your advantage. This gear so far exceeds anything I was expecting! AND you still have three Legendary boxes to go! Wow!”
Legendary Apparel Box (13/15)
Star-Maiden's Brooch
A piece of jewelry for the girl, oops, I mean "boy" that has everything, including a horse with attitude. This dazzling, gold-plated brooch doesn't just pin your massive pink chest bow into place; it pins your very soul to the celestial rhythm of Justice! This star-shaped brooch pulses with a righteous, blinding gold light whenever you think about friendship, love, or how much your feet hurt in those four-inch heels.
Charisma +3
Gaze of the Innocent:Hostile NPCs and creatures are 5% more likely to underestimate your threat.
Allows the summoning of the Star-Maiden's Scepter of Judgment by fulfilling the activation requirements.
Activation Requirements (Must be performed in sequence):
The Zenith: Right hand high, left hand on hip (Don’t slouch!)
The Anchor: Right foot behind left in a T-position
The Orbit: 360-degree pivot on the left foot while raising the right leg to a 90-degree Passé (“P” formation)
The Verdict: Snap to a parallel stance, shoulders squared, right arm fully extended pointing at the target while loudly reciting the Proclamation (Volume is important, you'll have to really belt this one out.)
The Proclamation: “By the fluttering hearts of maidens pure, you shall be judged!”
Failure Condition: Failure to complete the somatic sequence or insufficient volume on the Proclamation will result in a Sparkle Backfire: Covers the user in pink glitter for one hour.
Set Bonus (1/5): Collecting all pieces of the Star-Maiden’s Regalia will unlock advanced cosmic abilities and increase your overall Charisma by 15%.
“Oh my, you are going to be so cute in that!” Simbul squeed. “You should equip all of that as soon as your last two boxes give you their loot!”
Matt was rolling on the floor almost hyperventilating as Lynn eyed me with a discerning look.
“Is there anything you can do for my brother?” Mary asked Simbul.
“Nope, he has to wait out the timer,” she said. “Those are rules I have nothing to do with though he should have known better after the first time. One more strike and he gets kicked out naked.”
Mary’s eyes widened in shock and my next box opened.
Legendary Weapon Box (14/15)
Star-Maiden's Scepter of Judgment
A weapon for the crawler who looked at a perfectly good survival scenario and said, “You know what this needs? More sparkle.” This gold, star-topped scepter doesn’t just channel raw magical power; it demands a total, uncompromised commitment to the bit. It hums with a barely contained, hyper-feminine energy that is eager to turn dramatic, theatrical flair into actual, explosive violence. The magic is real. The pose is mandatory. The shame? Entirely optional. Try not to trip over your own dignity while using it, girl.
Intelligence +2
Charisma +3
Allows access to the attack: Love Blossoming Spiral
Love Blossoming Spiral: Sends a pink beam of magical power in the direction the Star-Maiden’s Scepter of Judgment is pointed, dealing 3× current Charisma as magical damage to anything in its path. The beam is surrounded by a spiral of pink rose petals. Non-Crawler hostiles within 3 feet of the beam that are not struck by it have a chance to be Charmed (scales with Charisma) for 15 seconds.
Activation Requirement: The name “Love Blossoming Spiral” must be shouted as the scepter is pointed at your target.
Cost: 4 MP and your dignity. Not that you’ll have any left by this point.
Set Bonus (1/5): Collecting all pieces of the Star-Maiden’s Regalia will unlock advanced cosmic abilities and increase your overall Charisma by 15%.
Simbul clapped her hands enthusiastically at my newest acquirement and I sighed.
“At least the stats look like they are good,” I said. “I can see min-maxing this, even if I’ll continue to look ridiculous.”
“You’ll look fabulous!” the fairy chimed in.
“Yeah, you’ll be even prettier than me, honey,” Lynn said as she giggled.
“I really don’t know you, man.” Matt said before reiterating while pointing at me, “I don’t know this man.”
“I think you protest too much,” Mary replied with an arced eyebrow. “You aren’t thinking about replacing me, are you?”
“What? No, never!” he vehemently denied.
Marv eyed the two of them and made a snickering sound that always reminded me of laughing when he did it.
“Okay!” the tiny fairy suddenly called out.” Only one left, then we can get this show back on track!”
The final loot box floated in front of me.
Legendary Pet Box (15/15)
Pet Biscuits x 200, Horseshoes of Smushing, Enchanted Pet Biscuit
Simbul’s eyes widened dramatically.
“You need to feed Marv that right now!” she commanded.
Marv snorted and shook his head, eyeing the items on the floor warily.
“The Pet Biscuits?” I ask and the items poof into my inventory. “One won’t hurt I guess, I have over two hundred of them now.”
“No, not those,” she explained. “The enchanted one.”
I pull it out of my inventory and look at it. It is a small biscuit shaped like a bone, similar to what you would have found in a pet store for your dog. I examine it.
Enchanted Pet Biscuit.
Pets of all kinds love genuine Borant pet biscuits, but do you know what they love even more? Enchanted pet biscuits! It looks like a normal one, but it isn’t. Feed to your pet at your own risk! With over 100 possible outcomes (not counting the rarer combined outcomes) what’s the worst that could happen?
“You want me to feed Marv this?” I said doubtfully. “It sounds-“
At that moment, Marv reached out and snatched the biscuit from my hand, eating it in one gulp. He stood still for a moment, then collapsed into a giant pile of gelatinous goo.