For several long seconds, nobody moved. Marv was a puddle… a large, silver, gelatinous puddle, though puddle doesn’t quite do it justice. Blob? Mass? Any of those three gets the point across that my horse that I had raised from being a colt was now a pile of goo. My horse had eaten one magical biscuit and immediately turned into something that looked like industrial lubricant with self-esteem. Does it get more fucked up than that? (Future self here – You should know better than to ask that question.)
The goo bubbled.
“Marv?” I asked weakly.
Bloop.
Matt slowly leaned sideways to look at it from another angle.
“I don’t want to alarm anyone,” he said, “but I think your horse is soup now.”
“He is not soup!” Simbul snapped then added, “it’s more like… Jello.”
She smiles brightly as if trying to reassure me everything was going to be ok, then her smile fell.
“Then again, probably not either,” she added a moment after that.
“Probably?” I said as I turned my head toward her so fast my neck popped.
“Companion transformations are rarely fatal!” she chirped.
“Rarely?” Matt chimed in with a laugh of incredulity
“That’s the spirit! Focus on the positive!” the little fairy said in praise. “Of course, Marv could turn into a monster that will immediately try to get acquainted with our insides! That is why it was best to do this now, while you’re are in a safe zone!”
The silver mass gave another wet bubbling shudder.
Mary made a tiny choking sound and Lynn grabbed my arm with concern.
Aaron, still locked in place with “Naughty” blazing over his head like divine disappointment, continued glaring at Simbul with enough anger to set dry wood on fire. Honestly, it was probably safer for everyone that he couldn’t move right now.
Simbul fluttered closer to the goo and squinted downward at something only she could see.
“Okay! Good news!” she announced. “His health is stable!”
My knees nearly gave out and I likely would have fallen if Lynn hadn’t been holding on to me.
“Now, the bad news!” Simbul said with flair.
“Why is there always bad news?” Matt asked.
“The transformation process may take up to an hour,” she informed us.
The room fell into silence for a moment and I stared at her.
“So, what are we supposed to do?” I asked.
Simbul turned to me with the smile of someone trying very hard not to emotionally collapse.
“Continue the tutorial! What else could you do?” She bounced in the air as her whole body vibrated with positive energy.
I looked at the horse sludge, then at Simbul, then back at the horse sludge.
“…Of course we are.” I said dryly
“Wonderful! Next is the skills tab!” she chimed.
“I hate this place,” Matt complained.
“Very healthy early-crawl attitude!” Simbul said with utter bliss on her cherub-like face.
I focused on the Skills tab and immediately, I regretted everything.
The list was enormous. It stretched downward in glowing categorized layers so far that I almost thought the system had glitched.
Active Skills
Passive Skills
Locked Skills
Racial Skills
Class Skills
Crafting Skills
Social Skills
Situational Skills
Survival Skills
Conditional Skills
And that was just the visible grouping.
“What the hell?” Matt muttered.
“Every crawler accumulates life-skills before entering the dungeon!” Simbul explained proudly. “Most are passive! Many are useless! Some are stupidly specific!”
She pointed dramatically at nothing before adding, “Which is why filtering exists!”
I opened my passive skills list.
Immediately, I understood why.
Passive Skills:
Basic Sprinting: 4
Balance: 5
Threat Recognition: 2
Hand-Eye Coordination: 3
Riding: 7
Basic Throwing: 2
Basic Endurance: 1
Improvised Blunt Weapon Familiarity: 4
Opening Pickle Jars: 1
Remembering to Put the Toilet Seat Down: 3
Walking Quietly When Parents Are Sleeping: 6
Avoiding Eye Contact During Awkward Conversations: 8
Mild Hangover Tolerance: 6
Stubbing Toes in the Dark: 11
Ignoring Obvious Red Flags: 14
Basic Campfire Maintenance: 5
Emotional Repression: 10
Matt barked a laugh as I continued examine the ever-growing list of passives.
“Oh, come on.” Mary said as she visibly recoiled from the menu only she could see. “That is deeply invasive.”
“Wait… why do I have Ignoring Obvious Red Flags?” Lynn said as she squinted at her list.
Nobody answered.
Matt slowly turned and looked at frozen Aaron who remained completely still, locked in place and visibly furious.
“…I can think of at least one possibility,” he said with an arced eyebrow.
Mary snorted despite herself.
“That was terrible,” she commented, “but I suppose it was deserved.”
Simbul zipped upward and then lowered herself to a sitting position on my shoulder somehow though she was too big. Her weight, though, wasn’t noticeable so I didn’t think anything else about it.
“You may hide passive clutter! Otherwise, by later floors, your menus become unreadable and then you die because you cannot find anything useful during active dismemberment!” She said with the enthusiasm of someone going to see their favorite K-pop group for the first time. “Here, let me show you some good filtering tricks to help hide all this unnecessary stuff.”
She took a few moments to point out how to filter the lists and what to click to remove a lot of the stupid and pointless skills that were displayed and the list rapidly shrank.
Much better.
Then one skill remained highlighted on the passives list.
Improvised Blunt Weapon Familiarity: 4
Slowly, I opened my inventory and mentally highlighted the Fishbone Wand, then looked back at the skill open in its separate window.
“…I hate that the fish is legitimate.” I said, closing the windows with a sigh and looking at Simbul who was still perched on my shoulder somehow, despite her being a little too big.
“The fish is very legitimate!” Simbul chirped.
I sighed. The Fishbone Wand was stupid and ugly. It was simply a three-foot fish skeleton club, but at least it didn’t require magical posing, interpretive dance, or yelling about maidenly justice like a certain scepter. That alone made it deeply respectable, even if it was somewhat ridiculous.
Simbul clapped her tiny hands.
“Now! Locked skills are things you may gain later! Racial and class skills become important after the third floor! Active skills are manually triggered! Passive skills are always on! Most of this can be sorted later when you are less emotionally compromised!” She said with enthusiasm.
That felt fair even though I didn’t want it to.
Then the fairy froze and her eyes widened.
“Oh!” she gasped. “You should equip your gear!”
“Oh, yes.” Lynn said, as she visibly brightened instantly.
“No.” I replied.
“Oh, yes,” Mary said with a smile
“Oh, absolutely yes.” Matt said with a shit-eating grin.
“But y’all haven’t opened your loot boxes yet,” I point out.
They just stared back at me with those stupid grins on their faces in response.
“This is emotional abuse, you know.” I pointed out to no avail.
With the deep resignation of a man whose horse had liquified and whose dignity had died several loot boxes ago, I opened the Equipment tab.
“Ok, when you choose the equip option from the menu, if you have anything already equipped in that slot, the system will automatically change the two pieces out for you.” Simbul explained. “First, let's equip your new gloves.”
I focused on the Gloves of Intelligence +1 and willed them onto my hands. The costume gloves disappear and reappear in my inventory as white silk shimmered over my arms, tightening as they resized perfectly to fit like a second skin. A notification window popped up…
Intelligence +1
“Stylish!” Simbul chirped and Lynn clapped. “Now, do the boots.
The ridiculous red heels I had entered the dungeon in shimmered and vanished, leaving me in stockinged feet momentarily before the air around them, hardened, and solidified into a pair of polished, impossibly sleek thigh-high boots with a four-inch heel.
They somehow felt better, and I found that was deeply concerning to me.
Dexterity +2
I equipped the Battle Fuku next, before Simbul could prompt me.
A burst of white-gold light swept over my body and the Sailor Moon costume vanished leaving me naked for a brief moment. Simbul’s eyes widened as they homed in on the parts that make me a man. I guess that answers that. I rolled my eyes mentally. First the bodice formed becoming structured and reinforced without losing the magical-girl silhouette as the rest of the leotard swept down my torso. The sailor collar flashed in to existence and deepened into cosmic blue. The pleated skirt appeared and sharpened into something cleaner and more deliberate than the one on my old costume had been. A broad pink bow settled on my chest and looked offensively perfect.
Charisma +2
Matt made a strangled choking noise as he looked at me.
“Oh. My. God!” Lynn squealed and clasped both hands over her mouth, her eyes were wide and... were those tears?
Mary blinked in shock and added, “That is unfairly flattering.”
I wanted to die... maybe I did, at least on the inside.
Then I equipped the brooch.
A warm pulse spread across my chest as the gold star-shaped ornament locked neatly into the center of the bow.
The scepter icon beneath it dimly shimmered inside the equipment window, indicating it was now stored and linked through the brooch.
Charisma +3
SYSTEM NOTICE
Star-Maiden’s Regalia Updated
4/5 Equipped
Final piece required for full set completion.
Silence filled the room again and I felt like an idiot.
Everyone stared at me, Matt and Simbul stared especially hard, though, for different reasons I suspected. I looked at the glowing notification. And read it out for the ones that couldn’t see it.
“I hate protagonist mechanics.” Matt said, his face flushed slightly as he turned his head as if trying to prevent me from noticing.
Mary slapped his arm, clearly she had noticed his blush too.
“Four out of five on Floor One! That is absurd!” Simbul said as she practically vibrated. “By the way, I didn’t know you were a boy! Are you trans? What pronouns should I use for you? You know what, you look like a girl so I’m just going to stick with girl pronouns, though your name makes more sense now!”
I balked at her direct line of questions.
"I told you I wasn't a girl," I mumbled.
"Did you?" she said, cocking her head to the side. "Whatever, you're pretty enough so get used to it, girlie!"
I sighed. I was used to it already, that was the problem. It had been an issue in my everyday life before the insanity I now found myself in.
Lynn tilted her head, studying me critically.
“…You are annoyingly pretty, you know that?” she stated.
“This is emotional abuse, and y'all know it.” I muttered, only half-heartedly, then because I was a gamer and emotionally incapable of not checking, I pulled up my stat sheet.
Strength – 5
Intelligence – 8
Constitution – 3
Dexterity – 6
Charisma – 14
I stared at the final number, then sighed.
“Well. I appear to be dangerously fabulous,” I said as flatly as possible.
Matt fell over laughing and even Mary smiled.
Then behind me came that same bubbling sound from earlier.
BLOOP.
Everyone froze momentarily then, slowly, we turned.
The silvery gelatinous mass shivered and a tremor ran through its surface. Then it rose, it didn’t explode or splatter, it rose like a molten silver being pulled upward by invisible strings.
The goo thickened and a shape formed inside. At first, it was wrong with legs that bent backward, then they snapped into place.
Mary stepped back, clinging to Matt. Lynn tightened her grip on my arm and even Simbul went quiet.
The mass stretched taller and broader. A neck formed, then a head. Something pushed free from the center of its forehead. It was a spiraled horn that glowed with soft golden light. Colors rippled through the reforming body, the silver hardened into sleek white hide. A mane spilled down his neck in flowing iridescent strands like a liquid rainbow. The still forming torso broadened, growing stronger, and more elegant. Then the head lifted and I saw the eyes. Still brown, still Marv.
My breath caught.
His hooves hit the stone floor with a resounding clack and all traces of the goo vanished.
Where my horse had once stood, now stood a unicorn with a coat of pristine white. He was rainbow-maned, golden-horned, and somehow carrying himself with even more unbearable arrogance than before.
Marv slowly looked over all of us, then focused on me. Then his attention shifted to Simbul, then to the frozen Aaron, then to Matt, and finally back to me.
PARTY STATUS UPDATED
Companion Pet Intelligence Threshold Met
Crawler Reclassification in Progress…
Simbul slowly lowered herself to the nearby table.
“…Oh no,” she said.
“You have to tutorial the horse now, don’t you?” Matt said as he pointed at Marv.
The fairy looked physically wounded.
“…Yes.”
Then after a beat:
“…Woe.”
Marv gave a low, elegant snort, then dipped his head toward me with all the dignity of nobility and touched the center of my chest with the tip of his horn which grew to a blinding shine momentarily before dimming back to the more passive glow. Meanwhile, my notifications folder just strobed in the corner of my vision with increasing urgency.
Then he opened his mouth and spoke.
“My Lady,” he said, voice rich, deep, and unbearably refined, “while I cannot say I approve of liquefaction, I remain wholly at your service.”