Di Zhe avoided the question, glancing around as he spoke, “I wasn’t fully conscious at the time. How can anything I said count?”
“It wasn’t complete unconsciousness, was it?” Shen Yandong continued to close the distance between them.
Di Zhe grew so tense that even the scent of his pheromones sharpened in the air but Shen Yandong was a beta, there was no way for an alpha’s pheromones to intimidate or suppress him.
On one hand, Di Zhe knew that, in this moment, Shen Yandong wouldn’t actually do anything to him. On the other hand, his heart pounded uncontrollably, like a drum beating wildly in his chest.
When Shen Yandong was only a single step away, he pressed on with his questions.
“I’m a beta. I don’t have pheromones. I can’t attract you with them. So why do you think, in that subconscious state, you chose me?”
Ri… right… why?
“At that time, you had already taken suppressants. There wasn’t any omega present to influence you. You were gradually regaining your rationality. I left you alone in the room, so what made you open the door and come looking for me?”
Di Zhe didn’t dare answer.
“These past two days, you weren’t completely unconscious the entire time, were you? When you were close to me… what were you thinking?”
He hadn’t really been thinking anything. He had only come back to his senses partway through and realized things had already gone that far, so he simply gave up resisting.
Di Zhe felt both guilty and frustrated.
…Sigh.
He never should have tried to argue with Shen Yandong.
There was no way he could win.
He remembered it clearly, the very first time he confessed to Shen Yandong, he had been refuted point by point. He knew full well that in their language exams, Shen Yandong always excelled at argumentative essays, scoring top marks every time.
Standing by the door now, Di Zhe no longer had the confidence to hold his head high. He lowered his gaze, brows tightly furrowed, looking every bit like a reckless kid who had caused trouble and failed to run away in time.
Shen Yandong wanted to be angry but he couldn’t quite bring himself to scold him. After looking at him a little longer, his hair disheveled, faint marks visible at his collar, his entire demeanor slumped from wounded pride, he looked so pitiful that the anger in Shen Yandong’s chest dissolved.
Whether he was willful or infuriating, Shen Yandong had once found that reckless version of Di Zhe annoying but now, he found that same version of him somehow more pleasing to the eye.
Without realizing it, Shen Yandong reached out and held his hand. “So… why?”
Di Zhe murmured, “Because… because…”
Because I still like you.
Back in high school, Shen Yandong had said those words to him countless times.
But now, for some reason, they had become impossible to say aloud.
If he said them now, Shen Yandong would definitely agree, wouldn’t he?
And if he agreed… then what?
Would that mean he would continue to be… like this?
He was such a handsome alpha, if people found out he was always on the receiving end, wouldn’t that be unbearably embarrassing?
In truth, he understood it himself.
He still liked Shen Yandong.
After all, he had liked him for two whole years before. Such a long stretch of his youth had been spent loving Shen Yandong that the feeling had become almost instinctive.
Maybe people were just contradictory by nature.
Back when he had chased after Shen Yandong so persistently, Shen Yandong had been indifferent. Now that Shen Yandong was the one pursuing him, Di Zhe found it strangely satisfying to watch him grow anxious.
No matter how much fun he had going out with others, nothing compared to returning to the dorm and seeing Shen Yandong, clearly frustrated deep down yet still pretending to be calm as he said, “You’re back.”
He had to admit, there had been a small, mischievous part of him that wanted to toy with Shen Yandong.
But even that tiny bit of harmless mischief had come back to bite him, leaving him to suffer the consequences.
Just as Di Zhe wavered in hesitation, Shen Yandong grew impatient. He tightened his grip on Di Zhe’s hand, refusing to let go and said in a suppressed, helpless tone, “Xiao Zhe, I know you resent me. Back then, you liked me so much and I didn’t know how to cherish it. If I could go back to the past, I would definitely wake that arrogant, self satisfied version of myself up.”
Shen Yandong spoke softly.
Di Zhe was stunned for a moment, then slowly, cautiously lifted his head to look at him.
Their eyes met.
Shen Yandong continued, “Before I met you, I had never liked anyone. I didn’t even know I was capable of feelings.”
He frowned slightly, pressing his lips together as if struggling to find the right words to describe what he felt.
“After that night, you disappeared. You didn’t say anything. At first, I didn’t know you were rejecting me. I was even happy, thinking about the next time I’d see you, imagining how we would spend the summer together.”
“It wasn’t until I couldn’t reach you at all that I finally panicked. I looked for your friends, your parents, even your teachers but none of them would tell me where you were. They were all confused, thinking that I was the one who had let you down.”
Faced with the resentment lingering in Shen Yandong’s gaze, Di Zhe felt a prick of guilt. “Uh…”
That trace of grievance shifted sharply, turning into a faint, barbed anger. “I didn’t explain anything to them, Xiao Zhe. I just let them misunderstand me like that.”
“It even feels strange to me. I’ve always been someone who can’t tolerate even the slightest injustice.”
“At first, I was really angry, extremely angry. I kept thinking, how could you do this? You decided on your own that you had to like me and then on your own that you didn’t anymore. How can someone be so selfish and willful?”
On this matter, Di Zhe knew he had been in the wrong.
Even if he no longer liked him, he should have explained things clearly to Shen Yandong.
That was the reasonable thing to do… but back then, his instincts had told him that running away was the better choice.
“I thought, if I ever found you, I would definitely scold you harshly.”
“But later, I kept searching, again and again and I still couldn’t find you. I became truly afraid that I might never see you again. In the end, I even started praying, just let me see you one more time, that would be enough. I didn’t even dare to stay angry anymore.”
“I’m the kind of person who needs logic in everything I do. There has to be a reason but when it comes to liking you, I just can’t find one.”
“Maybe that’s why I hesitated for two whole years. Perhaps, just like you said, if you like someone, you like them. There doesn’t need to be a reason.”
“Is it too late for me to admit defeat now? You were right.”
By the end, his voice had almost turned into a sigh.
Filled with helplessness.
Shen Yandong’s attitude seemed as though he was slowly lowering his proud head before him. “Stop avoiding me, Xiao Zhe. I truly wish you could still like me the way you did before.”
“…But if you don’t want to go back to how things were, then let it be the other way around. Let you accept that I like you instead, alright?”
He asked twice, softly, insistently. “Alright?”
Di Zhe felt a burning heat at the tip of his heart, at a complete loss.
Shen Yandong’s gentleness left him unsure of what to do.
The Shen Yandong he had once known had been like a gilded Buddha seated high upon a pedestal. Every day, Di Zhe had taken all the affection in his heart and offered it up, little by little shaping the other into a perfect figure within his imagination through his one sided love.
And when Shen Yandong had acted in ways that didn’t match that imagined perfection, the disappointment had been overwhelming.
Di Zhe rarely thought this deeply about things and now he found himself unconsciously being led along by Shen Yandong’s words.
Though his heart was in turmoil, he didn’t agree impulsively this time. Instead, he groped for clarity within himself and said, “Right now… I’m a little confused.”
Shen Yandong, in turn, grew anxious. “Was there something I didn’t explain clearly enough?”
Di Zhe shook his head. “No. It’s just that… I’m not sure anymore whether I still like you or not…”
He had barely begun the sentence, not even finishing it.
But in that instant, he saw Shen Yandong’s expression change drastically. Just a second ago, he had been gentle yet now, in the blink of an eye, his demeanor turned dark and chilling.
For a moment, Di Zhe even had the absurd feeling that Shen Yandong might chain him up and lock him away.
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Fleurveil
[Translator]
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← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · Love at first sightChapter 2 · Lack of discretionChapter 3 · ShamelessChapter 4 · UnreasonableChapter 5 · PerseveranceChapter 6 · College Entrance Examination EndChapter 7 · Graduation dinnerChapter 8 · Confession nightChapter 9 · Pressing in step by stepChapter 10 · Enough is enoughChapter 11 · A huge blowChapter 12 · University start dateChapter 13 · Roommate meetingChapter 14 · Relentless harassmentChapter 15 · I’ll pick you upChapter 16 · It’s my vulnerable periodChapter 17 · Voluntary datingChapter 18 · Open your heartChapter 19 · Obedient to allChapter 20 · Not a virginChapter 21 · Swear to love meChapter 22 · Youthful DaydreamsChapter 23 · Teenage ThoughtsChapter 24 · EmptyChapter 25 · Extremely anxiousChapter 26 · Too lazy to struggleChapter 27 · From now on