SHAN
“You’re leaving after graduation?”
Hiro was always there for me, a one-call-away friend, so knowing he was already leaving after graduation made me a bit lonely.
I was not used to not having him beside me whenever I needed him since we were inseparable ever since we were kids.
I was not the best at taking that news lightly.
“I need to take care of my dad.” He told me, putting his hands on the back of his head.
We are lying on the sand right now.
Our friends went on a beach outing for our short break.
“Are you changing your mind?” I asked with my shades on.
The sun was already setting, so it didn’t hurt my eyes that much.
I was just watching how the skies changed their colors.
He didn’t answer, so I knew it was a yes.
He was bound to change his mind because of the girl he met.
I actually couldn’t understand how one woman could change the plans you already set for yourself.
How special could that woman be?
I could never do that.
What was so special about someone that you could ruin your life plans for them?
“You’re probably ridiculing me in your head right now.
How could Hiro give up anything for this woman?
There could never be someone that special.
Everyone’s just the same.” He mocked me, and I laughed.
“But you will never truly understand, Shan, until you’re in the same position as me…
Until you meet someone that you know you can never find anywhere else.
Until you meet someone you can’t let go of.”
“It’s just not for me.” I shook my head, still laughing.
“Must be so stressful to fall in love, huh?
Suddenly, you’re considering a future for two, not just for yourself.
Have fun being selfless.
I plan to live my life being selfish and only thinking of myself forever.”
“You’re not selfish at all.” He scoffed before smiling.
“But there’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to fall in love.
Relationships aren’t for everyone.
However, do you think you can just fuck around forever?”
“Well..” I clicked my tongue against my teeth.
“I know I will get tired of this set-up at some point.
I’ll give it up for good and just live my life alone.
It’s also starting to feel…
stupid.
I don’t feel that good about it anymore.
You know…
Just fucking around.
I just don’t understand.
How do you know if you’re deep already with the person?
How did you know?” I curiously asked since I never felt that way before.
“The thing is…
It’s not something that you have to think over a hundred times.
You’ll just wake up one day and see the person different from how you saw them yesterday.
Suddenly, the touches start sending you shivers.
The kisses are sending butterflies.
Sex is now called making love.
Their voice starts sounding like your favorite fucking song, and you’ll suddenly realize you’re in love.
Deeply.”
“Damn, okay, lover boy.” I shook my head in amazement.
That was such a nice way to describe it.
He almost got me wanting to feel all those things.
Almost.
“But one day, things will change again.
Their touches will start to feel disgusting.
Kisses will feel like something you’re obligated to give.
Sex will just be sex, and their voice starts to sound annoying.”
“Then that’s not love.” Hiro raised his brow.
“I used to think like that, too…
because of what happened to my parents.
Even so, I know the only change that will happen to my love is that it will get deeper and deeper as years pass by.
That’s how it is.”
Maybe some people were really that capable of love and being loved, huh…
but not me.
I knew I wasn’t capable of giving love, and that was why I couldn’t do it.
I didn’t have that large amount of love inside me after being neglected for years.
If I start to give out love to someone, there will be nothing left for me…
and that scared me.
What if I start neglecting myself, too?
_______________________
It was almost Hiro’s flight when he called me to his unit, crying.
Icame running in my pajamas because I was so worried.
I heard he had Yanna over, but when I arrived, she was gone, and Hiro was just on the floor, leaning his back against the coffee table.
He was looking at nowhere with tears streaming down his face.
He told me Yanna got pregnant with another man.
I didn’t know what to say.
He needed to be at the airport as soon as possible, so I stood up and fixed all his things.
Some clothes were scattered on the floor, and some were unfolded inside the luggage.
It looked like they had a fight.
I organized everything—and he helped, too—before closing the luggage and dragging the two bags toward the door.
Maybe what also motivated him to leave was the memories they made together in this same place.
He didn’t want to remember them anymore, so he went out of the door after changing his clothes.
I didn’t plan to come with him to the airport since he didn’t want us to go.
He said it will just make him sad, but I can’t just leave him like this.
I made sure he had everything needed before I went with him to the airport.
“You’ll be okay.” I reminded him.
“Don’t tell anyone you came here with me.” He said, smiling a little.
“Our friends might say it’s unfair.”
“I also won’t tell anyone that you bawled your eyes out before leaving.” I laughed and hit his chest lightly with my fist.
“You need to go now, or you won’t make it.”
“Is this for the best?” He asked, still not certain about leaving.
“It is.” I told him.
“You can come back anytime.
I’m sure it will all be sorted out soon.
Let yourself feel all the pain now so you could feel better tomorrow.”
He gave me a tight hug before he waved and lined up at the gates.
I smiled and watched him until I couldn’t see him anymore.
When I went home, I felt all the sadness come up in an instant.
I felt alone again.
I didn’t have Hiro anymore.
But still…
I got good news.
I passed all the law schools I took an exam in, but I chose to enroll in La Salle since my mom already got a condo near the campus.
I didn’t have to ask Alfred to get another unit for me.
He would also not know where I was staying, which was good, so he couldn’t bother me.
I started looking for furniture to put in the unit while my aunt was still processing the papers.
I wanted this unit to feel new…
to feel like home.
My first unit in TAFT felt suffocating.
That was where I started, but it had hints of Alfred all over the place.
I would also hold parties there and invite a lot of people in.
There were traces of other people there, which started to make me feel like it wasn’t my own.
This unit will be my hideout.
This will be mine alone.
Only my closest friends could go.
Only people I had close relationships with…
because my mom owned this.
Not Alfred.
Not Tita Erin.
It was something special to me.
I placed a picture of my mom at the top of one of the desks when she was still younger.
Only her back could be seen, but she was holding a balloon and looking up at the sky.
Her long hair was being blown away by the strong wind at the beach.
It was one of my favorite photos of her.
As much as possible, I didn’t want to see her face because it will just make me sad…
but this photo screamed hope.
Aside from preparing for law school, I also asked my aunt if she could help me clean up the coffee shop before I start preparing to open it.
I sold all the old furniture there and just used the money to buy new tables and chairs.
Of course, I couldn’t complete everything I needed in just a short time.
I took it slowly, using my savings from college.
Alfred gave me such a large allowance every week.
I didn’t think he noticed, though.
Aside from that, on every special occasion, Hiro’s mom, Tita Erin, and my aunt would give me so much money as a gift.
My mom also had her old savings transferred to me, but I should wait for a few more months before I could get it.
I was starting to sort out my life.
I became busy, so I didn’t have time to fuck around anymore.
I barely got any action while preparing for law school.
It only happened whenever I went to parties, but I also rarely went to parties.
Only on special occasions.
Maybe I was starting to get tired of it, like what I told Hiro…
but I still couldn’t let go of it.
“So many things to fix.” I told myself after putting the last heavy box down the floor in my unit here in BC.
The unit was full of furniture still with their plastics on and boxes of my things.
I
I told Elyse about it and she told her mom, the reason why Tita Erin asked Kuya Roel to help me buy the things I needed.
She was really making such a great effort, but she also knew that I just can’t be part of their family.
I didn’t want to.
“Wow…
Such a nice unit.” Acel said, looking around.
He probably didn’t mean it and was just being nice, since there was still so much that needed fixing.
“So hot!” Haze complained immediately upon entering because there were no curtains yet, so the sunlight was hitting all of us.
“Your unit’s spacious.
This is probably expensive.
Hmm…
I want this.
How much?” Haze got his wallet out of his pocket, determined to buy this unit from me.
“I’m not selling it, dumbass.” I told him, rolling my eyes.
“I’m just about to move in.”
“I heard you’re opening the coffee shop soon.
How much?” Haze offered again.
His world really revolved around money.
How business-minded.
That’s the reason why their business is successful.
“You believe in me too much that you want to invest?” I arched a brow.
“You’re not even sure if it will thrive.”
“It’s a good location.
We saw the plan for the interior, and we tasted your coffee and your pastries.
It will succeed, Shan.
Don’t worry too much.” Acel said, taking a seat on the couch.
“You will do great!”
“He’s right.” Haze glanced at Acel before looking at me again.
“So, how much?”
“Shut up.” I ignored him and simply told them to help me organize my things so they would have something to do; after all, that was the reason I had them come over—to help.
“I’m offering you a big business opportunity.
Be business partners with me.” Haze whispered again.
He couldn’t let it go.
“I want your coffee shop.”
“How about no?” I raised an eyebrow at him.
“You’re really persistent, huh?”
KIERRA
“You’re so persistent!
So persistent!
I told you, I’m not going!
I don’t want to!”
Luna had been following me around the unit for a while now, trying to convince me to go to the club.
I didn’t have time to drink right now, and I had so many deadlines to catch up on.
Unlike me, she always finished everything early.
I couldn’t do that!
“It’s Sam’s birthday.
You’re not coming?” Luna crossed her arms over her chest.
My lips parted when I realized that it really was Sam’s birthday already!
“Why didn’t you tell me it was Sam’s birthday?!” Then I wouldn’t have refused!
“Oh my gosh, Ke!
You’re not supposed to forget your friend’s birthday!
I’m so disappointed!” She said dramatically again, even covering her mouth.
“What are we going to do now?!”
I ignored her dramatics and just finished what I was working on so I wouldn’t feel guilty once we got to Sam’s birthday.
As far as I knew, she was finally going to introduce her boyfriend, so all of us were supposed to be there.
The only problem was that Sevi and Arkin probably wouldn’t be able to come.
I bought a plant the other day for my condo, and I watered it every day so I’d at least have something to do… and a reason to get out of bed every morning.
I stared at it as it sat beside the window.
“You’re still healthy.” I said.
“That’s good…”
I had honestly thought it wouldn’t survive in the condo.
But as long as it was taken care of, it was fine.
Luna also took care of the plants.
Plants—because she had bought some too.
The two of us were probably both exhausted with life already, especially because of the course we had chosen.
No sleep.
Architecture was so hard.
“My plates are bleeding, look.” Laughing, I showed Luna my work, covered in my professor’s red marks.
There were so many comments and corrections.
“Just keep going,” Luna told me, laughing too as she showed me hers.
She had fewer red marks.
“We can do this!”
I got ready for Sam’s birthday without knowing what to expect.
There would be a lot of people there… and I might even see that jerk, so I mentally prepared myself.
I was angry because he had made me wait, but I was even angrier at myself for believing him.
Since then, I hadn’t gone back to the coffee shop because I didn’t want to see him again.
_________________________
“Happy birthday, Sammy!” Luna hugged Sam as soon as we arrived.
The birthday girl looked absolutely glowing.
“Sev isn’t here!
I brought Ke and Via with me!”
I hugged Sam too and teased Luna because the idiot kept looking around, checking if her ex was nearby.
“So, are you looking because you don’t want to see him… or because you do want to see him?” I asked with a grin.
“Happy birthday, Sam!”
The smile instantly disappeared from my face when I heard that familiar voice.
We even bumped into each other, making me step back and glare at him.
“I’m heading to the table first.” I told Via so I could get away.
“Come on.” Via grabbed my arm so she wouldn’t lose me on the way to the table.
Luna followed us too since Sam was already busy talking to the other guests.
The only unwanted guest was the one who had just arrived.
_________________________
Via looked troubled and had been drinking one shot after another.
I probably wouldn’t have noticed if Luna hadn’t pointed it out, but I had a feeling I knew why.
“Arkin’s not here again?
He’s gotten so famous, huh… He already forgot about us.” I laughed before taking my shot.
I felt comfortable having my friends around me.
I knew none of us would abandon each other at parties like this.
Samantha would also never invite that man …but she did invite the annoying one.
“I won’t forget you.”
The smile disappeared from my face as I looked to the side and saw the jerk resting his arm on the back of the sofa I was sitting on.
He was even grinning as though he hadn’t done anything wrong to me.
“You want a drink?”
I sighed heavily and stood up to change seats.
I simply sat beside Luna, completely ignoring Ciandrei.
“My girl’s feisty…” He smirked before taking a sip from his glass.
Why was their couch so close to our table?
Sam couldn’t have done this on purpose… right?
I had nowhere to escape!
Wait… Where was Sam?
“Oh, I’m just about to order.
Let me get your orders for you,” that man said to Via.
“Shan, by the way.”
“Two Jäger and three Red Bulls.”
I could feel him looking at me as he returned to the table carrying the bottles.
I just pretended to be talking to Luna about our professor so he wouldn’t talk to me.
“Kierra, you really won’t talk to me?”
I glanced at him for a moment before looking away.
“Hmm, I actually wish I hadn’t come.
I only came because I assumed you were going to be here.”
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked Luna in confusion because she had also turned her back toward Ciandrei and couldn’t say a word.
She was avoiding looking at him too.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh, you look familiar…” Ciandrei suddenly said to Luna as he leaned over to look at her face.
“Shit.
Fuck…” He suddenly stood up and covered his mouth in shock.
I frowned, wondering why.
“Bro, Lari, one of your exes, is looking for you, man…” Someone approached Ciandrei.
“People are saying you were with her just last week.”
Huh… Lari.
One of his ex-flings.
She was probably the woman he had been hugging the other day, which was why he never showed up after telling me we would meet.
I really let myself get fooled.
It was my fault too.
“I’m going home.” I told Luna and Via.
I just felt uncomfortable.
I wanted to run away.
I knew I couldn’t enjoy the party anymore, so I stood up and walked away.
When I noticed Ciandrei following me, I quickened my pace and even bumped into Samantha.
“Sorry, Sam!
I’m going home!” I waved at her and smiled before running off.
“Ke!
Don’t leave me!” I heard Luna shout, so I slowed down and looked back.
I thought I would see her, but I saw Ciandrei instead.
He had already caught up to me and was standing in front of me.
I immediately turned away from him to head toward my car, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me.
I glared at him.
I was about to pull my wrist away when Luna suddenly stepped between us.
“Hey!
Let go of my cousin!
Don’t touch her!” She suddenly shouted angrily.
My lips parted at her reaction.
Ciandrei immediately let go of me and raised both his hands.
“Go to the car, Ke!
Don’t worry!
I’ll handle this!”
“Luna…” I pressed a hand to my forehead and pulled her by the arm.
“Go on, head to the car first.
We’ll just talk.”
I had no choice because it looked like my cousin was about to start a fight.
“Are you sure?!” Luna still didn’t trust Ciandrei and even glared at him.
“If you do anything to my cousin, I will never let you live in peace!
I’ll make your life miserable, and I’ll keep coming after you even when you already have a family!
Do you understand?!”
Ciandrei couldn’t say a word.
He didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded, looking a little intimidated.
Luna rolled her eyes at him before heading to the car first.
I turned back to Ciandrei and raised an eyebrow at him.
“Are you mad at me?” He asked as though he hadn’t done anything wrong!
“No.
Why would I be mad at you?
Did you do something?” I shot back, refusing to back down.
Why was he acting as if he hadn’t just stood me up?
Was it all a joke?
Was I the only one who took it seriously?
I knew it.
“I’m sorry I was late last time… When I arrived, you had already left.
You also weren’t answering my texts or my calls.
I even messaged you on Instagram, but you ignored me.” He explained.
“So why were you late?” I asked, testing whether he would tell me the truth.
“I…” He looked away, thinking of an excuse.
“I had an emergency.”
An emergency?
An emergency hug?
He was literally hugging someone over there.
How was that an emergency?!
“What kind of emergency?” I asked again.
When he couldn’t answer, I simply gave him a sarcastic smile.
“No, you know what?
Don’t answer anymore.
It’s my fault for believing everything you said.
I completely forgot what kind of man you are.”
“And what kind of man am I?” He asked, his eyes turning darker and more serious.
“You’re a lying jerk who likes playing with people’s feelings.
You have no respect.
You’re happy as long as you’re not the one wasting your time.
You like fucking around and disguising your actions as ‘jokes’ so you won’t have to take responsibility for them.
That…
That’s the kind of man you are.” I spoke so quickly that I almost ran out of breath.
He stayed silent, his dark eyes staring straight into mine.
Before I could regret what I had said, I turned my back on him and walked away.
“That day, my dad…”
I stopped walking when he suddenly spoke.
When I turned back to him, he merely pressed his lips together and shook his head, as though he had changed his mind about saying anything.
“Never mind.
Take care on your way home.” He gave me a small smile before turning his back on me and walking away.
I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself.
If he can’t even talk, why bother listening?
I turned away as well and got into the car so I could go home.
Luna didn’t ask any questions when she saw the look on my face, but I knew she was worried.
I was so preoccupied, thinking about what he had been about to say.
His dad… what?
What happened?
What did he do?
Was that the emergency?
_______________________
The next morning, I woke up early.
There was some force that woke me up.
Maybe it was something from my dream that made me wake up immediately.
As part of my usual routine, I went jogging to forget about it.
After exercising, I suddenly found myself in front of the coffee shop.
There was nowhere else for me to go.
The other shops weren’t open yet.
“No,” I whispered to myself and turned around.
The moment I turned around, I stopped because a familiar face was standing in front of me.
She had just gotten out of her car.
“Elyse?”
“Oh, Kierra…” She still didn’t seem sure of my name.
“You live around here?” She looked shy but still tried to make a little conversation.
“Just over there.” I pointed to the condo building where Luna and I lived.
“What brings you here?” Her school seemed pretty far from here… although I often saw her with Sevi.
I didn’t know if there was something going on between them or not.
“Oh, I’m meeting someone.”
I simply nodded at her and excused myself so I could head home.
I suddenly stopped when the coffee shop door opened and Ciandrei came out.
It didn’t seem like he noticed me.
“Eli, why are you here?
It’s too early,” I heard him say.
He was still wearing an apron and looked like he hadn’t slept.
“I’m here to check on you again!
You never answered my texts properly since you fought with Dad!
Are you okay?!”
Elyse held Shan’s face and looked at him.
“Good.
I can’t see the bruise anymore.”
I felt bad listening to their conversation, so I just walked away.
I couldn’t understand what they were talking about.
Were they siblings?
They sounded like they were talking about the same dad.
They didn’t look alike.
Elyse…
Ledezma?
Oh, right.
________________________
“Where did you go?
Let’s go buy coffee!” Luna invited me when I got back.
She was already awake too.
“I thought you’d come home with coffee!
But today you didn’t… I’m impressed!”
“You go buy it,” I said, but then I suddenly remembered that Ciandrei was there!
If Luna saw him, I already knew what she’d say—that I kept going there just to sneak a look at him, even though I didn’t!
“Actually… I’ll go.”
“You’re so confusing!” she complained before lying down on the couch.
“So who’s that guy from last night?
Is that Lasallian bothering you?”
“No…” I denied it.
“It’s nothing.
He’s just someone I know.”
“Hmm…” I knew she didn’t believe me.
“Just someone you know?
Are you sure?”
“I’m going to buy coffee.” I turned around and headed outside, just to escape.
She wasn’t going to leave me alone unless I did… but then I suddenly realized something, so I opened the door again.
“How did you know he goes to La Salle?” I asked in confusion.
“Ah… Ha-ha!
Well…” She sat up properly and fidgeted with her fingers.
“Okay, it’s better that I tell you now than have you suddenly find out from him once you two get close!
This happened a long time ago, okay?
Before Kalix and I got together…”
“Oh?” I leaned against the doorway with my arms crossed.
“I was drunk back then, and… and… I kissed him!
Waaah!
Sorry, Ke!
I had no idea you two would end up connected now!
I’m sorry!”
She even knelt in front of me and pressed her palms together, looking full of regret.
“You kissed him…” I blinked, though I wasn’t all that surprised anymore.
“Wow… So pretty much everyone has fallen victim to him.”
I could only nod.
“I swear, I didn’t even know his name!
I couldn’t remember it back then!” She even pretended to cry.
“I hope you two don’t fight because of this, even though I know you’re already fighting now!”
“I’m going to buy coffee,” I said before leaving.
That happened a long time ago, and I had no reason to be angry… But it still made me think.
Just how many are there, Ciandrei?
Are there more people I know?
What about Sam?
I ended up calling her immediately while I was walking.
[“Oh my gosh, yikes, Kierra!”] She immediately denied it.
[“No way!
No!
I could never!
He’s my friend!”]
“It’s nothing… I just found something out from Luna.” I told her.
[“Why?
Are you guys fighting?
You and Shan?”] She asked curiously.
[“Don’t worry!
We didn’t have anything going on!
We really weren’t that close before!”]
“We’re not fighting,” I lied.
[“Go easy on each other, you two!”]
I ended the call when I reached the front of the coffee shop.
I took a deep breath before going inside and heading straight to the counter.
As expected, he was there, working.
He froze for a moment when he saw me standing in front of him, but he still turned to the monitor and greeted me.
“Good morning.
What’s your order?
We’re having a promo today for our regular customers.
You can get one free drink for every purchase of coffee.” He said so quickly.
He had probably repeated that line over and over all morning.
“Okay, then.
One iced Americano.
The free drink can be a latte, if that’s okay,” I said.
“That will be all.”
He simply nodded, typed on the monitor, and accepted my payment.
Without saying anything, I went to the waiting area and quietly waited for my order.
I couldn’t look at him, and he couldn’t look at me either.
Things had suddenly become awkward between us after what happened.
“Here’s your order.
Enjoy your day.”
He placed the two cups in front of me and helped me put them into a drink carrier.
“Thanks.” I said briefly before walking away.
When I got back to the condo, I set the carrier down on the counter and took out my cup.
As I lifted it, I suddenly noticed a sticky note attached to the back.
I had only just seen it.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Come back!’