SHAN
“Where could we find her?”
I was with Helen, Arman, and Neil since our other friends weren’t available for lunch today.
Hiro asked us if we could get a hold of Yanna, but I didn’t know where to start.
I already tried asking Samantha since she was the closest to her, but she didn’t know, too.
No…
I didn’t think that was true.
She was lying for some reason.
“Let’s see who her friends are..” Helen took out her phone and scrolled through Samantha’s Instagram.
I also took a peek, but it took us a while to find Yanna’s picture there because of the sheer number of other photos featuring other people.
“I found her!”
There was a photo of Sam, Yanna, and another girl.
They were all at a party and holding red cups.
The other girl was morena with her long hair and cute bangs.
She had her hand on Yanna’s shoulder as she smiled for the camera without her teeth.
Her eyes looked strong and fierce, it got me staring longer.
“She’s familiar.” I suddenly whispered.
I leaned back and held my head, struggling to recall where I had seen her.
I knew that face.
I knew those features.
They were awfully familiar to me.
“You think you can contact her?
Are you friends with her, bro?” Arman asked me, and I shook my head.
“Well, you should find her and ask about Yanna.” Neil said, shrugging as if it were that easy.
Helen clicked the account tagged in the photo and stalked the woman.
Kierra Ynares.
That was her name.
My order arrived, so I quietly ate pizza while they talked about Kierra and how to contact her.
My mind was more bothered about how she was too familiar to me.
Did I…
flirt with her before?
“Is she your ex-girlfriend or something?” Neil asked.
I never asked someone to be my girlfriend before, but for the girls I went through the getting-to-know stage and really made an effort to go through dates, my friends and I referred to them as my girlfriends.
Ex-girlfriends.
I couldn’t call them flings…
since I couldn’t differentiate them from the ones I just fucked around with.
I also couldn’t call them ex-date.
That sounded fucking stupid.
I only had a few of them, at least less than my flings.
I got tired of it easily.
“I honestly don’t think so.” I can’t remember all the names of the girls I dated before, but I knew their faces…
and I didn’t think she was one of them.
“Your type, Shan.” Helen laughed and showed me the photo of the woman again.
“Are you sure you two didn’t date before?”
“Maybe you can date her now.
Maybe she could tell you where Yanna went.” Arman suggested.
I didn’t talk and just sipped on the juice I ordered, still thinking.
“That works, too.
You’re an expert at that, bro.” Neil laughed, joking.
I just shook my head and went back to eating.
I memorized her face in my mind so I would know once I saw her.
I didn’t find her.
I didn’t make an effort to.
I just continued asking around about Yanna and even tried asking Samantha again, but she probably swore to death that she would never tell anyone about Yanna.
She kept her promises seriously.
I wanted to do anything for Hiro because he helped me a lot before.
I owed a part of me to him because I couldn’t survive everything I went through if he wasn’t there to support me.
That was why I wanted to do the best I could when he needed help.
This was it.
“What are you thinking?” Helen asked when I dropped her off outside her condo building.
“You looked occupied.”
I shook my head.
“It’s nothing.
You should go now.”
“So quick to dismiss me, Ciandrei.” She laughed and removed her seatbelt.
“Hey…
Did you tell Hiro about what happened to us before?” She looked at me, hopeful that I would say no because I always told Hiro about everything going on.
“Which one?” I arched a brow and looked at her.
“You know what I’m talking about.” She glared at me, getting impatient to hear my answer.
“I just don’t want any of our friends to know.
It’s like…
a rule, right?”
“That we had sex before?” I laughed a little when her eyes widened and covered my mouth.
Helen was funny.
Both of us knew it was nothing to us, so we remained friends.
We just made that one mistake…
which we kind of repeated a few more times just because we could.
“So, did you tell or not?
I told you, no one should know.” She looked nervous, thinking about Hiro judging us because it was like a promise not to ever sleep with friends in that way.
“No, I did not.” I laughed again because her face was funny.
I did not tell Hiro because it was nothing to me.
Also, it was nothing to Helen.
We just had sexual tension before, but we already stopped doing that.
We still kept our friendship as if nothing happened.
I never liked her, and she never liked me.
It was just the fucking.
“Okay, good!
Let’s just forget about that.
You know, you should try dating again.
Maybe it will work for you this time.” She even gave advice because she was already trying to date other men and wanted me to experience the happiness she felt.
Well, it won’t work the same way for me.
“You already know that’s not my thing.” I rolled my eyes, still holding the steering wheel with my other hand.
“I wish you luck with the guy you’re dating right now.
You have bad taste in men.”
She always ended up getting her heart broken by all the men she dated.
It wouldn’t be a surprise to catch her crying again this time.
“You would know so much, right?
You can recognize your own kind.” She smirked and closed the door, waving goodbye.
I just smiled and drove home.
I was ready for the soft opening of my coffee shop, although the title was still with my aunt.
We were already preparing the transfer to be in time for my birthday.
I would legally have everything my mom owned but still leave some of them with my aunt so she could manage it, like Lopez High.
I had no idea what to do with her other properties.
It would be a shame to keep them with me alone.
All of my friends went to the soft opening.
I had all kinds of feedback at the end of the day.
Haze told me that it will never be easy at the start, but I’ll get a hang of it after doing it a few more times.
With that, I prepared a lot for the grand opening itself.
I opened it before school started so I wouldn’t have to worry about studying.
I just focused on training my staff to be like me.
I attended a conference Haze recommended for people who wanted to start their coffee shop business.
I had free time, so I didn’t have a reason not to go.
Besides, I was really passionate about it.
I had wanted to learn much about handling a coffee shop since I started.
The two-day conference was held at the events place of an expensive hotel, so I also booked a room there.
It started around afternoon and ended in the evening.
I didn’t get to have dinner, so I just went up to the hotel restaurant.
It had a nice view, too.
I sat and ordered food for myself, eating alone.
Good thing the view was there to accompany me.
I won’t just look at other couples who are eating.
But after I finished eating, someone caught my attention.
She was eating alone, too.
She was like me.
I think we’re the only ones eating alone here, only that I never felt ashamed of it…
but she looked like she was bored.
She was bored, scared, and suddenly on the verge of crying.
I sipped on my glass of water while watching her feel all kinds of emotions in a span of ten seconds.
I looked down and saw her hand trembling while holding the fork.
She looked scared.
I looked around and didn’t see one suspicious person.
When she covered her face, I found myself standing up and going to her table.
I didn’t even know what to do once I sat down across from her.
Maybe because…
her eyes reminded me of mine when I was a child.
The trembling.
The fear.
The pain of being in another place, alone.
What should I say?
What did I want to hear before?
When I took a clear look at her face, I didn’t let the shock become evident on my face.
It was her.
It was her, right?
I somehow memorized her face.
Kierra Ynares.
She was in that photo!
“I wondered why you looked so scared…
and thought that someone might be bothering you…
so where is he?
I’m good at fighting, you know.”
“He’s not here.”
So there was someone.
She was scared of someone.
I didn’t ask.
I just put my hand up and ordered a dessert for two from the waitress.
She looked awkward having me in front of her while eating, so I just looked away so she could have her time.
I got us an ice cream…
because it always made me feel better when I was young.
It always made me stop crying.
It was my comfort food, so I assumed it would be the same for other people.
Interesting.
Interesting replies.
She always had a way of turning me down, and I kind of…
liked it.
Maybe it did challenge me.
No one ever turned me down repeatedly like this because I would always go up and leave the first time, but I still found myself seated there.
Was I challenged, or…
did I just want to give her company because she reminded me of…
myself?
Whatever it was, I knew I had to be there.
“Do you want to sleep with me?”
I smirked behind the glass while drinking water.
I fucking knew it.
“Sex won’t solve your problems, woman.” I gave her a chance to change her mind.
“I’m not asking you to solve it,” she said.
“And I’m not asking to have sex.”
So, what does she want, then?
To hang out?
“Alright…
Do you want to go up to my room?
We can order more food, I guess.”
Whatever it was…
It looked like she needed company.
We ordered bingsu, ate it, and talked about a lot of other dumb stuff about the world.
I said some jokes that made her laugh until we decided to play a game.
“I dare you to kiss me.” I said.
She stared at me not knowing what to do.
“Or finish the bingsu.” I honestly just wanted her to finish the bingsu.
I knew she would not kiss me.
I was not hoping for her to kiss me.
But she did…
and even I didn’t know how one thing led to another.
“Are you sure?” I asked once more because she looked like she was out of it.
“I can do it,” she told me.
“Just…
do it.” I wondered why she was so persistent.
Did she want to use me to forget about it?
She knew she could never forget.
She knew that before making a decision, the next day, she would just be reminded of it again, but she still tried for it to work.
Maybe it would distract her for a moment, or maybe…
she would feel brave because she could finally be around someone else without thinking of the man that scared her.
I wasn’t in the place to judge how she coped, so I did not question it anymore.
When she was already asleep, I went out to the balcony to have a quick smoke, thinking, until she made a sound.
I stubbed out the cigarette and grabbed a piece of candy from the side table before lying down beside her.
I faced her because she was making weird sounds in her sleep.
Her brows were furrowed, so I tried to fix them, but she suddenly held my hand tightly, still sleeping.
I blinked in surprise.
I slowly put our hands down and used my other hand to put away the hair covering her face.
She looked like she calmed down, but I knew she was having nightmares.
“You know everything will still come back to you once you wake up…” I whispered, staring at the ceiling.
“Because it never goes away.
The pain, the trauma, the memories.
They don’t suddenly vanish.”
I knew that.
I learned that.
It was like I was talking to myself.
“Did it hurt too much tonight?
Would you resort to this to forget it for a short time?
To feel like you’re someone else…
and not the one who feared for herself?”
I looked at her again while she was sleeping.
Her hand didn’t let go of mine…
like she was scared to be alone.
It was not our fault that we felt fear.
It was their fault for becoming someone we feared.
I sighed heavily, covering my eyes with my other hand because I was reminded of the past, too.
“Let’s not do this again.
It’s not good for you.”
KIERRA
“For you?
What’s that?
Who’s it from?”
I immediately hid the note when Luna peeked over after picking up her coffee.
I walked past her and went into my room to sit on the bed.
I pressed a hand against my chest because my heart was beating so fast.
What the hell was that?
Should I go back?
He said he was sorry.
Was he finally ready to continue what he had wanted to say the other day?
Should I listen?
Why should I be the one to go to him instead of him coming to me?
“Hmm, what are you doing?
Can I paint with you?”
I lay down beside her and picked up a brush.
It didn’t look like what she was doing was for school.
“Sure, give it a try.”
She let me, so I painted on what she was working on.
I added more colors because I liked colors.
She ended up frowning because our styles were so different.
“Ke, why Architecture?” She suddenly asked.
I paused too.
Why Architecture?
I was the one who chose that course.
It was what I wanted to take, but I didn’t know how to answer her question.
“I like art.” That was all I could say.
Back then, I thought… if you were good at art, at drawing, then you could go into Architecture.
Turns out, that wasn’t true.
I don’t regret it, but I feel like… eventually, I’ll get tired.
“Why don’t you become a painter like your dad?
You’re really good at painting.” She said to me.
I ended up feeling embarrassed because I knew I wasn’t that good—not like Dad.
Maybe part of the reason I didn’t want to was because I didn’t want to lose to Dad. Get faster updates on g.com.
I knew he was better than me, and I couldn’t surpass him, so I didn’t even try.
I didn’t want to disappoint myself.
“It’s just a hobby.” I told her.
But I really loved painting.
It made me feel calm.
Art made me feel calm.
I loved seeing lots of colors.
I couldn’t exactly put lots of colors on the buildings or houses I designed.
In Architecture, art alone wasn’t enough.
You also needed skills with numbers, with Math, and on top of that, you needed hard work and perseverance.
You had to work extra hard just to get through it.
On top of that, there was also the pain of seeing your plates covered in your professor’s red marks.
It was true, though.
Everything really had to be perfect.
You had to know what was wrong.
The safety of the clients also depended on what we created.
“And… you know… I prefer something stable.” I told her.
I wanted a stable job.
I wanted to accept projects… But I couldn’t deny that Luna loved Architecture more than I did.
It was her destiny.
It was like it was her other half.
I couldn’t say the same about myself.
My destiny was painting.
“Come on, Luna.
Let’s go out.” I invited her after I got bored.
“Where are we going?” She immediately asked, ready to abandon what she was doing just to go out.
She really loved going out.
“Are you treating me or not?”
“Luna, you have more money than I do.”
Sometimes I really wondered if Tita was being stingy with her because she loved getting free food and mooching off other people.
“You probably don’t have money right now, but back then you were always getting your ex to treat you…”
“Oh, come on, Kierra!” She snapped, glaring at me.
“I’ve already moved on, but you’re still stuck on my ex!”
“You’ve moved on…” I laughed.
If she’d really moved on, why was she still so bitter?
“Aren’t you dating anyone new?”
“My plates are my date.” Luna became even more focused on her studies after they broke up.
She said she never wanted to feel that way again… that she had failed at the thing she loved the most, which was art.
Architecture.
Out of the three of us—Via, Luna, and me—Luna was the most passionate about Architecture.
It had been her dream ever since she was a child.
I didn’t bother her anymore and simply got up to take a shower and study again until I finished everything I needed to do.
After that, I just lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
I kept wondering whether it was the right thing to talk to that man again.
I had already received so many warnings from Samantha.
I also knew he was only playing around.
I knew all of that.
But why… couldn’t I stay away from him?
Was I hoping that he was going to treat me differently?
That there was a chance he didn’t treat everyone else this way?
But what exactly did I want to happen?
For us to become friends?
Because we had this connection I had never felt with other people… that no matter how bad he sounded from other people’s perspective, I felt like I knew him better.
This was dangerous.
I shook my head at myself and stopped my feet from walking out of the unit.
I just went to sleep instead of making another decision I would regret.
“Hey, it’s dinner time, Madam!
You’re still Sleeping Beauty over there!”
It felt like I had just closed my eyes when I woke up to Luna’s voice.
I had apparently slept for a long time.
“You didn’t even eat earlier!
Get up!
Let’s eat outside!”
“Luna, come on.
You’re so loud!” I covered my ears.
“Get up already!
Your stomach’s empty!”
I complained some more before getting up to wash my face.
I got myself ready and changed into a simple maroon tank top and gray sweatpants.
I also tied my hair into a ponytail before we headed out.
I didn’t know where we were going, so I just got into my car.
She was still the one driving whenever we used my car.
“Why are we eating so far away?” I complained when we arrived in BGC.
She had a favorite restaurant here that she always went to.
“My treat, okay?!” She still looked reluctant about it and even rolled her eyes at me.
I just laughed as I followed her.
From where we were walking, I could see the building where Ciandrei’s condo was, so I stopped for a moment.
“Hey, don’t stand there staring at buildings, girl!
Is it your first time?!
Come on!” She pulled me along so I’d walk faster.
We ate at her favorite restaurant.
We sat outside because it was cool and breezy at night.
While waiting for our order, we just drank cocktails.
I was still looking at the building where Ciandrei’s condo was while drinking.
“Just go see him if you’re thinking about him that much.
If you go see him already, then you won’t have anything left to think about, right?
Common since.” She told me.
“Common sense.” I corrected her.
“Common cents.” She grinned and took another drink.
“But seriously… if it bothers you that much, then just do it.
You won’t lose anything except your pride.”
I looked down at my phone when someone replied to my Instagram story from the restaurant where Luna and I were eating.
My eyes immediately widened when I read it.
shanlopez: Funny.
We’re so near each other right now.
I looked around until I spotted him at the restaurant next to ours.
Ciandrei was there with two women and one man.
Their table was also outside, and it looked like they had arrived before Luna and I.
He wasn’t looking at me and was just chatting with his friends.
They all looked about the same age.
Probably college friends.
“Let’s go home after this, okay?” I immediately told Luna while typing on my phone.
kierra_: I didn’t follow you here.
shanlopez: I didn’t say that.
shanlopez: Do you want to talk for a bit?
Let’s go to the convenience store at the end of the street.
I looked toward the place he was referring to.
I was surprised when he stood up from their table and started walking toward the convenience store.
I immediately stood up and told Luna I was just going to buy a Band-Aid, even though I had no idea what I needed it for.
I couldn’t think of any other excuse.
I went into the store and headed straight to the ice cream freezer.
I immediately felt his presence beside me, and he pointed at the chocolate ice cream.
“Let me make it up to you.” He suddenly said in a whisper.
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
“Let’s go out.
Let’s go to a mall or something.”
“Are you asking me out on a date again?” I raised an eyebrow.
“And then what?
You’ll ditch me again?”
“I couldn’t show myself to you last time,” he said meaningfully.
“I’m going to be careful now.”
“You always give vague answers…” I took the ice cream and walked past him toward the counter to pay.
“What makes you think I could trust what you’re saying?”
“But you do,” he said, leaning against the counter on his side, facing me.
“Because why else would you be here right now?”
“I’m letting myself get played.” I whispered to myself and laughed sarcastically.
I knew that.
I was aware of it.
But why…
“Only that I’m not playing.” He said.
“Not this time.”