“Ling Xinlu usually muttered irritably, but when Yuri silently stayed in place, he didn’t say much more and just turned his head. Occasionally, when he felt like it, he’d throw out a word or two—mostly muttered to himself with no expectation of a reply.
And even now.
After Ling Xinlu had gone to the bedroom early, Yuri, who had been reading a book, turned off the light and lay down, but before long, he got up again. It was because of a silent presence outside.
Yuri vaguely sensed the nearly nonexistent presence, like a cat or beast, settling down on the sofa. The presence stopped there. Yuri put on his robe and went out. As expected, Ling Xinlu was sitting in the dark living room.
“.........”
Yuri stood a few steps away as usual.
Even in the darkness, the outline of his face was slantedly visible, but his expression was unreadable. Yuri silently stared at his pale cheeks shining faintly in the dim light outside.
“Today, my headache is quite bad, so I’m not in a good mood.”
A voice muttered abruptly, quietly approaching. It was lower and more tired than usual. No, it wasn’t tiredness. It was suppressing the anger rising fiercely inside his chest, barely keeping himself composed.
“On days like today, just don’t look at me, okay?”
Still, it was much better than the short ‘Get lost’ he had spat out at first. Yuri didn’t answer or move, using that silence as refusal. But it seemed that forced suppression stirred something in Ling Xinlu’s heart. Ling Xinlu, silent for a moment, then turned his head.
“When someone tries to calm down and be kind, you just pour oil on the fire… Didn’t I tell you? That your gaze makes me uncomfortable? That you don’t know what you want.”
“I want nothing.”
At Yuri’s brief reply, Ling Xinlu’s mouth twisted. Until then, the fury he had locked deep inside, knowing it was just venting, seemed to find a crack to escape. His expression changed. Then, grinding his teeth, his voice lowered further.
“That’s the problem. I just don’t understand. It’d be better if you had some kind of greed, something obvious like other people. Those kinds of gazes I know well and am used to, so I don’t care. But you say it’s not greed? Then what is it?”
“...I don’t know.”
Yuri hesitated briefly but answered honestly.
Ling Xinlu was more embarrassed by his own question. He had never stared at anyone like this before, nor had anyone he had been close to ever questioned him like this. Why do you look? Why do you like me? Yuri didn’t know either. One thing alone—appearance, personality, tone, or behavior—could never make him absolutely like that person. It was the whole mixture and blend that formed a single human being—liked.
Greed—that too was not the kind Yuri understood. His way was to generously embrace and hold all of that person. Separate yet sometimes inseparable unity. Like swimming underwater, forgetting oneself.
Not knowing how to explain these feelings, Yuri just looked at Ling Xinlu. He watched Yuri quietly with his jet-black eyes. Suddenly, his gaze seemed to distort with displeasure. But his mouth smiled.
“Well, you need to know the taste of greed for it to matter. Like those who know the taste of money become greedier.”
The icy anger in Ling Xinlu’s voice softened. Like a hunter hiding his killing intent before striking, the anger buried deep in his heart was lightly stirred. He beckoned with a slight wave of his hand. Come here, he added. Yuri hesitated a moment but shook his hand again to invite him, then approached and sat diagonally beside him.
Ling Xinlu tapped his finger on the seat next to him. He glanced between Yuri sitting a little apart and the empty seat, tapping only his finger there, and exhaled a low, scoffing breath.
“I’ve thought this before, but Gabe sometimes seems to be in another world. At least his feet seem to hover about ten centimeters off the ground.”
“...Is that so?”
Yuri looked down at his feet firmly on the floor. Watching Yuri tap the floor lightly with his heels, Ling Xinlu twisted his mouth.
“Is it because you don’t know greed? Why don’t you try standing on this world? If you don’t know, let me help.”
Yuri stared blankly as Ling Xinlu rose. When he thought his slightly curved eyes that looked like a calm smile appeared very twisted, Ling Xinlu was already standing right before him.
“Ling Xinlu...?”
“You say you like just looking? That’s a lie, right? That’s because you haven’t had it. People who aren’t worthy of greed usually use that as their most common excuse because they don’t want their pride hurt. But you don’t even know that, do you?... Shh.”
A breath whispered low, touching Yuri’s lips.
Before he knew it, Ling Xinlu sat properly on Yuri’s thigh and licked Yuri’s lips as if tasting them. He tilted his head to observe Yuri’s reaction, then quietly slipped his tongue between the tightly sealed lips. The lips that seemed tightly closed parted easily. The weight that had been lightly resting on the thigh became heavier. And Yuri sat quietly, unmoving, in the reality where the man on his thigh gently stroked his cheeks and kissed him.
“Very calm, huh,” Ling Xinlu muttered softly between his parted lips.
He had to be calm. The reality hadn’t quite settled in.
“........”
Only after the unreal feeling that made his mind go blank faded did Yuri blink. Then the warm body heat, the taste of the tongue, and the touch of the hand stroking his cheek all arrived. Yuri shivered slightly. Ling Xinlu seemed to notice the slight tremor. Yuri felt the sensation of his lips curling into a pleasant smile.
Soon, the hand stroking Yuri’s cheek grabbed his head gently but firmly. Almost simultaneously, the heated sensation of lips invading intensified. The scorching heat took away his breath, occupying his mouth and his mind.
“.......!”
A strong floral scent seemed to fill the air—paralyzing, like a large, magnificent flower’s fragrance. Yuri thought faintly in his blurry consciousness that this was the man himself.
At first, Yuri didn’t even realize he had started sucking Ling Xinlu’s tongue. Ling Xinlu’s movements slowed briefly as if surprised. His fierce, passionate moves gradually became slower, gentler, and more flowing.
“──. ─!!”
Ling Xinlu, after hesitating briefly, seemed to adjust to Yuri’s pace. Suddenly, he felt tender. His hand caressed Yuri’s jaw, slid down his neck, collarbone, and chest; pressed on his thigh while gently rubbing his lower body. His front flap moved softly. The movements were gentle and affectionate as if with a truly beloved person.
Closing his eyes, Yuri watched Ling Xinlu nibble lightly on his cheek from an almost invisible distance and thought vaguely: It feels like a dream to share body heat with this lovely person... and yet it’s a dream within reality.
Still lovely. At that thought, warmth filled his head. The sweet scent overwhelmed him. His heart burned hot like his head. So, watching the man kiss his cheek and ear, Yuri pressed his lips against his cheek.
At that moment, Ling Xinlu stopped moving. He slightly lowered his face and looked at Yuri. His expression was strange, so Yuri met his gaze without knowing how his own face looked, thinking how lovely he was.
Ling Xinlu gazed at Yuri intently for a while, then suddenly whispered:
“Feeling?”
“Pardon?”
“Don’t you feel good?”
“Don’t you feel good?” he asked, gently stroking Yuri’s arm with a hand both tender and somehow languid.
Yuri was silent for a moment and then nodded honestly. His heart still burned and throbbed. Seeing that, Ling Xinlu smiled with his eyes and lightly kissed Yuri’s ear.
“I thought so. But still, you say you like just looking?”
His voice was sweet, like candy coaxing a child.
No, I don’t, Yuri thought, wanting to have that candy like a waiting child.
“........”
Yuri blinked amid the feeling of lips brushing his cheek and exhaled a sweet, aching breath.
“Ling Xinlu, do you like it? How do you feel?”
Ling Xinlu’s lips stopped moving on Yuri’s cheek. They lingered for a moment then parted. He looked down at Yuri from a distance where his expression could be seen. His gaze seemed to be searching every corner of Yuri’s face.
Then, the hand that had held Yuri’s cheek fell away.
Clicking his tongue irritably, lamenting the departing warmth, Yuri thought the darkness creeping through his opened shirt collar felt chilly. Ling Xinlu looked down at the silently bowing Yuri and clicked his tongue once more, sighing.
“Still, it wasn’t as unpleasant as I thought. Yeah, better than I expected. Surprisingly... You say you felt good, so why do you look at me like that?”
Ling Xinlu, licking the finger that stroked Yuri’s lips, frowned slightly when he saw Yuri’s blank gaze.
“If you still don’t feel the greed Ling Xinlu talks about, then I guess I’ve wasted my effort.”
When Yuri slowly spoke, Ling Xinlu’s expression vanished. He tilted his head and asked:
“Don’t you want greed? …Is it funny? That I wasted my effort?”
Yuri thought for a moment, then shook his head.
“I don’t know.”
“.........”
Ling Xinlu stared at Yuri intently, then turned his head slightly and chuckled.
“You’re really a strange human… Sometimes you’re interesting, but other times you scratch right under a person’s skin. Not easy to do, you know?”
Ling Xinlu bent closer again, his eyes dangerously curved as he looked into Yuri’s.
“Shall I scratch a bit? If I want, it’s easy to scrape under someone’s skin. To hurt their feelings.”
“Right?” he whispered into Yuri’s ear. The warm body heat transferred close. The clear intent was felt as he slowly rubbed his lower body against Yuri with definite volume.
“Don’t you want it? Right now, I’d let you do whatever you want. I’ll grant it.”
Sweet voice. Sweet scent. Whispering like pouring honey into his ear, he gently bit his earlobe.
Ling Xinlu leaned back just a little and smiled when their eyes met. It was a smile clearly meant to seduce, knowing exactly how he looked. “If not now, you might never get a chance like this again. Even if it hurts your heart, this is the only moment you can have this lovely person.”
Yuri understood what that smile said, and Ling Xinlu knew Yuri understood.
Quietly watching him, Yuri slowly reached out. His smile seemed to deepen.
He pulled Ling Xinlu’s head into an embrace. The sweet smile, as if drunk, was drawn to him. Warm and loving body heat was quietly led by his hand.
Then.
Pop.
Their lips met. On the cheek. A little hard.
“........”
Ling Xinlu’s smile vanished instantly. He looked at Yuri as if hit by a sudden chestnut from a gentle person. Yuri met that gaze for a moment, tilted his head slightly as if saying this isn’t it, then kissed him again—this time on the lips.
Pop. A bit harder.
Silence returned. The smile was gone, and his eyes were cold.
“.........”
“Not good?”
Yuri asked seriously, facing Ling Xinlu, who looked at him with a cold, silent face. Then slowly, very slowly, he dropped his indifferent expression.
“You were right. It does hurt.”
He never expected such a reaction from what was barely a kiss, hardly a brush. But no one before had looked at him so coldly from just a kiss. His heart felt heavy. This memory would stay for a long time.
“All the girls I dated before were considerate, so even if they were clumsy, they didn’t blame me. I’ve never seen such a baffled expression from a kiss alone. It’s heavy on the heart.”
“What I meant about the heart hurting isn’t that— ……. …Forget it.”
Ling Xinlu, now with clear exhaustion showing, spoke coldly and stepped away from Yuri. He threw himself back into his original seat but still glared at Yuri with displeasure.
He muttered to himself, clicking his tongue as if he felt refreshed by watching someone who was boiling hot and groaning naked being tossed aside just before climax. “Well, whatever.”
Indeed. That must have hurt quite a bit. A memory that would remain for a long time.
Yuri quietly stroked his chest.
Still, he felt warmed. Even his lower body had felt weighty, if only for a moment. It was almost laughable that he had claimed to be heterosexual. Ling Xinlu glanced at him sideways and coldly asked:
“Why?”
“Nothing. I thought maybe I could like a man too.”
When Yuri shook his head, Ling Xinlu only snorted, showing no interest. Yuri thought for a moment and asked:
“Ling Xinlu, have you always had a sexual preference for men?”
Even saying it felt like an interview. Ling Xinlu seemed to think the same, lightly frowning and opening his mouth to dismiss him.
“Never really thought about it. I have barely any experience with either men or women. I’m pretty neutral about it. I did it a few times because it was funny to see the other person struggle, but that’s it.”
Yuri closed his mouth. He was surprised at how little experience Ling Xinlu claimed to have. From the brief contact just now, Ling Xinlu had seemed familiar and skilled.
As if reading Yuri’s thoughts, Ling Xinlu continued:
“I’m naturally good at figuring things out, so even if it’s my first time, I’m better than most experienced people. The first one I did, I practiced for about ten or so hours, figuring out the tricks. After that, he clung like a madman, so I got tired of shaking him off. He cried and fainted, saying it was hard the whole time, but still clung like a junkie.”
Yuri nodded, listening, then paused.
Young people really have stamina, he thought. Ten or so hours—it might be exaggerated, but even a few hours would be a lot. The other guy must have been very strong to endure that much from such a difficult position… but do you get an erection even if you faint from exhaustion?
The thought came unbidden, and Yuri pondered silently. Ling Xinlu looked at him with questioning eyes. Suddenly, Ling Xinlu narrowed his eyes.
It felt like he could see through Yuri’s thoughts. Yuri realized he had been thinking about too private a matter and quickly shook his head to clear his mind. Whatever.
“Some people misunderstand. Tae-yi hyung misunderstood at first too.”
“Huh?”
“...Anyway, it’s nothing to do with Gabe.”
Ling Xinlu suddenly said something unrelated. Yuri looked puzzled, but Ling Xinlu just stared silently at him and waved his hand as if done.
“Back then, that guy really clung embarrassingly. Tried everything to shake him off. At the end, annoyed, he said if he took off his pants and spread his ass, he’d do it. That guy actually wavered in the middle of a crowded club and stuck out his ass. What’s the difference from a junkie on drugs? He was all show-off, but when clinging, he had no pride.”
Listening to Ling Xinlu’s sneering mutter, Yuri vaguely grasped what misunderstanding he meant. But more clearly, he heard the tone of irritation.
Ling Xinlu spoke without sympathy about the first person he had been with, saying it was just an experiment. Even though Yuri thought he knew, that statement showed another side of that person. Yuri remained silent. That was also part of him and the reason he hadn’t faded.
Like Yuri, Ling Xinlu said nothing. Remembering that person and the thoughts caused.
“I thought I’d never look like an idiot like that. …But I ended up being more of an idiot than him.”
The bitter cynicism was self-mockery.
What he recalled was the pain of Seringe. The things he had lost there often tortured him unbearably, Yuri had often seen.
“When soaked in drugs…”
Suddenly, Ling Xinlu muttered as if a thought popped into his head. He spoke casually but stopped soon after, as if the thought seeped in. Yuri involuntarily shrank his hand, feeling his heart grow cold and stiff.
“Would that happen to me?”
“No, it wouldn’t.”
Yuri’s calm answer barely seemed to be heard as Ling Xinlu glanced sideways at him.
“Even if it doesn’t happen to me, if Tae-yi hyung does, he’ll suffer. He’ll be angry, furious, and go crazy. Right?”
“He has to,” Ling Xinlu murmured with eyes glittering darkly. Yuri stared straight at him and quietly said:
“Stop. That means losing Tae-yi’s seed forever.”
“Lose? It’s not mine anyway. Losing it wouldn’t be me, but him.”
Ling Xinlu scoffed and raised both hands. He seemed not to know what was in his empty hands. Only hatred, anger, resentment, and despair.
“If by doing that I can pull Tae-yi hyung beside me, I’ll do it anytime. Think I can’t? I’ll tie Tae-yi hyung next to me and laugh at the one raging madly over there! Tae-yi is mine, not yours!”
His voice grew rough. His excited eyes shone jet-black.
Yuri thought it was a very strange sight. One eye alive with burning anger, shining; the other dead and jet-black, reflecting no light. Somehow it seemed to reveal this man’s inner self, making Yuri’s heart ache.
“Will you kill even your other eye?”
“What?”
Unconsciously muttering, Yuri’s words went unnoticed by Ling Xinlu. Watching Ling Xinlu frown and tilt his head, Yuri slowly opened his mouth, knowing these words could pierce him like a dagger.
“Do you really want Tae-yi’s seed? Tae-yi himself? Not just as a tool to avenge Rik’s hatred?”
Ling Xinlu’s face wiped clean of expression. Light vanished from his eyes, emotion from his mouth. His pale face never averted from Yuri’s gaze as Yuri continued bitterly.
“The way you want it is not love for him—for Tae-yi’s seed. At least that’s what I think.”
“You’re saying I don’t love him?”
“Not the way you do now.”
“Why do you, of all people, deny my feelings?”
Yuri didn’t answer. Ling Xinlu watched silently without looking away. A slow, twisted smile crept onto his face. A suppressed breath escaped.
“So you think my heart will turn elsewhere? Because maybe you might get a crumb of affection?”
“I’m not speaking for myself. You’re trying to do wrong.”
Ling Xinlu laughed incredulously. After laughing quietly for a while, he looked down at Yuri coldly.
“Harming Tae-yi?”
“...What you harm isn’t Tae-yi’s seed or Regrow. It’s yourself.”
The smile froze. The cold gaze froze. Like his whole body’s blood froze, Ling Xinlu stared at Yuri. Even the anger crawling through his body froze.
He slowly shook his head and looked at his empty hands as if guessing what was in them. Soon, he would realize there was nothing but distorted emotions there—something he didn’t want to realize.
“.........!”
The next moment, those empty hands grabbed Yuri’s hair, slamming his head down hard onto the table. The glass board on the table shattered. Small shards fell to the floor. Soon, blood dripped down.
His head and the table were instantly soaked in blood. Yuri blinked repeatedly as blood entered his eyes. The burning pain spread somewhere in his head; he couldn’t tell exactly where.
“Sometimes I think I’m getting better.”
Ling Xinlu, holding Yuri down by the hair against the table, said.
“It’s quite good. There’s something I like about you. Yeah, maybe very good. But then—”
“.......”
“You ruin my mood all at once. You make it terrible, disgusting.”
Because that shows the self he didn’t want to see. His miserable self, made even more vile by that.
And because he knows that himself.
“Why? You’re so great? You like tearing a person apart with a calm face?”
He knew this was venting.
Yuri didn’t say a word. No excuses, persuasion, or apology.
Thud—again, his head was slammed on the table. Yuri let out a short groan but said nothing. After that, Ling Xinlu threw him aside and strode into the room. The loud closing door didn’t open again.
At the hotel entrance, Yuri lingered for a while after getting out of the taxi.
Seeing him with a thick bandage wrapped around his head, a familiar doorman who had seen him during his stay approached in surprise. Yuri smiled and said he was okay, then entered the lobby, but his steps stopped again.
He saw his reflection with the bandage neatly wrapped around his head in the polished doorframe.
The wound wasn’t severe. Just bruises and some torn skin. Though it looked bad with so much blood, a few days of ointment would heal it.
Still, the bandages seemed to protest, as if saying, “You did this,” so he didn’t want to face Ling Xinlu now. Of course, he couldn’t avoid seeing him until the wounds fully healed, so eventually, he had no choice.
Yuri lingered by the elevator a moment, then went out to the courtyard. It’d be better to wait a bit longer before going in. No news from the bodyguard left behind meant there was nothing to worry about. If contacted, he could go downstairs immediately.
“.......”
Perhaps because the day was cloudy, the pool was empty. The wind blew strongly, and only the ripples on the water’s surface drew clear waves.
Yuri sat on the bench by the pool. He took off the sandals he’d hurriedly worn when rushing to the hospital and splashed water lightly with his toes. The touch of the water was pleasant and warmly embraced his skin.
He didn’t hesitate long.
Taking off just his jacket and draping it over the bench, Yuri entered the pool wearing just his cotton shirt and pants. All the usual words about causing trouble to others vanished. The moment he touched the water, he longed for it desperately. He ignored the wounds altogether.