“Pardon?”
“I mean...... would you like to go out with me......?”
I said it a little awkwardly. It was the first time I'd ever confessed my feelings, but who could have known my first confession would be so utterly unromantic?
She stared straight at me, then widened her eyes and said.
“That's strange.”
“......What is?”
“What have we been doing all this time?”
“Huh?”
“Weren't we already going out?”
Oh, so that was it....... I broke into a broad smile. I'd hesitated so much, afraid she might turn me down. But she'd felt the same way as me from the start.
She smiled at me and said.
“Still, it's nice to hear you say it. Um, are you sure you're happy with someone like me?”
“O...... Of course! No, who in the world could possibly compare to you?”
With her hands behind her back and a smile on her face, she slowly approached me. Flustered, I could only watch as she came closer and gently rested her head against my chest.
Only then did I realize she'd nestled into my arms. I carefully moved my arms and held her.
I heard her quiet voice.
“Thank you.......”
“No, I'm the grateful one.”
“Thank you.......”
I said nothing. Then I looked up at the sky.
Snow was falling.
1 a.m., January 1.
Amid the smiles of happy people welcoming the new year, the season's late first snow was falling.
My girl. She was kind. But she wasn't weak. Her heart was as strong as it was kind. That was why I liked her.
And she was a good cook. Hmm, I probably fell for her during one of our university retreats. While everyone else was floundering in a sea of alcohol, she personally made hangover soup for the others. Perhaps that was what did it.
I'd fallen for her cooking and her kind nature.
At first, kindness seemed to be all there was to her. Probably because she was always quiet and so often answered with a gentle smile.
But after we helped each other with our work a few times, I discovered a different side to her. She was a very self-assured woman. You might say she had firm convictions without showing them off?
Still, she was very exacting with herself. Of course, she could be just as exacting with others, but I didn't mind. When love blinds you, even those things look lovely.
I often bought her meals or took her to the movies to thank her for helping me. Of course, my intentions weren't entirely innocent. Given the educational environment in my proud homeland, the Republic of Korea, leading an innocent life belongs in the category of dreams. And if you achieve that dream, you become a protected natural monument, enjoying all kinds of pollution benefits(?) from those around you.
But I kept myself in check. At the very least, I didn't want desire to govern how I treated her. What drove me wasn't the desire to hold her, but the small, powerful wish to be by her side.
So, during the 6 months she spent helping me with my work, I behaved as a close friend and someone who sought her advice. Even to my own eyes, I was strict with myself.
However unguarded she became, I never took the opportunity to do anything sordid or shameless to her. I absolutely couldn't have forgiven myself for that. If I ever did such a thing, I felt as though I'd cut off my own hands.
I demanded that degree of fastidiousness (scrupulous purity) of myself. That was how much I cherished and loved her very ‘existence’.
Of course, it brought its share of frustration. Sometimes seeing her unguarded stirred my desire, but I restrained myself by biting the backs of my hands.
And I had to endure a little frustration. She was within reach, but because she didn't want it, because she wouldn't want it, I bit the backs of my hands until they bled and bit my lips. That kept me going back and forth to the hospital for days. All the while, I felt how painful unrequited love really was......
But I liked spending time beside her, listening to her voice. That was why I didn't want her to change because of me. Once one person's unrequited love is accepted by the other, both are bound to change.
Yes. I was grateful to the world simply because she existed. That was why, even without satisfying the desire I felt for her, my heart was always full(?).
But that was a contradictory, painful state of affairs.
I went with her to Jonggak to watch the bell-ringing ceremony. She'd said she'd never been anywhere like it before, so I'd come along as her guardian.
Ever since starting high school, I'd always come to Jonggak to watch the bell-ringing. Watching the ceremony in the cold air, gathering my thoughts, then going out onto Jongno Street to cheer to the rhythms of traditional percussion and dance until I sweated, until steam rose from my body, felt like blowing away all the stress of the past year.
Leading her, I struggled through the crowded throng. Inevitably, we ended up holding hands, but there was no other meaning to it. It was a way to keep from getting separated.
I took her to the spot where I always watched the bell-ringing. Though people crowded everywhere, that spot was always elevated and quiet. After passing through a crowd so thick there was nowhere to set foot, she said she was glad she'd come with someone who knew such a good spot, even though it was her first time. Her words made me feel like flying. After hearing the bell toll 33 times, we went out onto Jongno Street and danced joyfully with the crowd, cheering to the rhythms of traditional percussion.
Then came 1 a.m.
While she rested to catch her breath, I brought her a warm can of coffee. As we sipped our coffee and chatted quietly about the day, I thought back over our time together and made the first confession of my life. An utterly unromantic one.
And that utterly unromantic confession...... she accepted it.
I held her, and she held me too. That day, I gave her my first kiss. And I gave her my love.
A new relationship arrived with the new year. She became my beloved. And I became her lover.
She was on the small side. At 163 cm tall, with a slightly slender figure and a face that looked a little younger than her actual age, she even earned me the label of criminal.
People even asked whether I feared no divine punishment as we began our campus romance. Thanks to all the interference coming at me from every direction, I had a miserable 2 months.
If you asked whether it was really miserable, I'd gladly answer that I was so happy it was killing me.
“But you mustn't die. It's only been 5 months. If you die for nothing, I'll be so sad, won't I?”
Whenever I complained, she'd smile, showing her straight white teeth, and say that.
Yes. It had been 5 months now. Yet I could count the number of times we'd kissed since that first confession on my fingers.
Besides, I was still only 22. As a university sophomore with my whole life ahead of me, I had absolutely no intention of dying young. How could I ‘dare’ die and leave her behind?
She was kind. But she was exacting about her affairs. That was why we always had little clashes, and why I always ended up bowing my head to her.
So I'd never bought her a proper meal.
“Come on, let's go just this once. I've got my pay from my part-time job!”
“If you've got that much money, buy books instead! I'm perfectly happy at an ordinary restaurant!”
“Please, just this once. There aren't any foods you dislike, are there? If the person paying doesn't mind, what's the problem?!”
“But family restaurants are so expensive! I'd prefer an ordinary Japanese restaurant or fast food! University students are students too. We need to save!”
In the end, over the 5 months we'd officially been together, the meal money she adamantly refused to let me spend came to almost 500,000 won. I used it to treat my parents to a lavish meal. They were delighted, and when I told her about it as a complaint, she smiled, delighted too.
She was a woman of real substance.
SHHHHH......
It was raining. With the relentless downpour, the predawn sky looked as though someone had punched a hole in it. As though babbling away simply because it had an open mouth, lightning and thunder mercilessly assaulted our eyes and ears. The important fact was that we had no umbrella.
“Well, I never thought we'd both fall asleep right there.”
“Neither did I...... What should we do?”
It was July, the height of the rainy season. And it was now 3:30 a.m. Only the streetlights and the rain existed on the streets. Not a single taxi went past.
We'd taken the subway after our date. On the long journey to see her home, we'd both fallen asleep, leaning against each other's shoulders, neither of us first.
We'd arrived in Incheon, the famous port city where seagulls were sometimes spotted downtown. And somehow, when we woke, all the lights on the train were off.
Outside, rain was pouring down relentlessly.
I had to open the subway door with the manual lever beside it and get out. It was dark, so we held hands tightly as we crossed the tracks and made our way into the city at 3 a.m. We'd run along a road without a single piece of cover (cover: objects used in the field to stop enemy shells.) and we were both soaked through. They called it a tropical night, but with rain like this, the tropical heat vanished somewhere, leaving only rainwater that stole our body heat.
We sat pressed together at a taxi stand, waiting for a taxi. It would cost a bit, but there was no helping that. We waited for 30 minutes, but no empty taxi appeared.
“Haaaaah.......”
She was trembling faintly. Her body temperature had dropped considerably, and I held her, trying somehow to warm her, but I was just as wet. If we kept waiting for a taxi like this, she might catch a cold, or something worse. So I squeezed my eyes shut and said.
“This won't do. We'd better rest somewhere before we go.”
“Pardon......? All right......”
Across the road stood a motel with a brightly lit sign.