We went into the motel and filled out the registration form. I had no intention of doing anything sordid to her. I only hoped she wouldn't get sick.
I acted perfectly calmly. Perhaps she understood my sincerity, because she soon relaxed her tense shoulders and washed herself in warm water. It was a motel, but a reasonably upscale one, so there were robes for us to wear.
Despite her vehement protests, I thoroughly washed our wet clothes and hung them up in one corner of the room. Then silence fell.
Apart from our underwear, all we wore were large bathrobes. Given the nature(?) of a motel, the various lights were quite seductive. And it was a night when only the sound of rain could be heard.
The atmosphere had a strange power to move a person's heart.
I drew a deep breath, and she flinched for a moment.
With a faint smile, I said.
“You must be tired. Get some sleep. I'll wake you in the morning.”
“Pardon? Th-then......”
“Me? I stay up all night pretty often anyway. I'll be fine. So make yourself comfortable and sleep. I'll wake you in time for tomorrow's lectures.”
“B-but......”
Smiling, I shook my head, and she fell silent. I set a chair by the window and sat down, while she stared at me.
But I kept my gaze fixed on the window to let her know I had absolutely no intention of doing anything improper.
As I admired the avant-garde art of the rain running down the window, I heard her voice.
“Do you...... love me?”
“Of course.”
“How much......?”
I thought for a moment. That's a difficult question to answer. I couldn't childishly say, ‘As much as the sky and the earth.’ I looked straight at her and said.
“Enough to give my life for you.”
That is the absolute truth, without the slightest lie. I'd gladly give my life for her. I love her more than my own life. Mine is a love I'd stake my life on.
“I...... don't deserve that. It's far too much for me......”
“Too much? You deserve every bit of it. You're the one who's too good for me. I'm always grateful for you. Though I do wish you wouldn't speak so formally to me just because I spent an extra year preparing for the entrance exams.”
“I'm receiving far more love than I deserve. Sometimes I wonder if it's indifference, or if it's simply too much. And even now...... even now, I feel both great love and indifference from you.”
I looked at her in puzzlement. Love and indifference? And now? She bit her lip lightly and said.
“The way you're treating me now...... makes me feel truly grateful, and very loved. You're showing me the utmost respect. But...... at the same time, that behavior feels like indifference. Am I that unattractive as a woman?”
“Th-that's...... What in the world do you mean?”
“I'm grateful that you respect me and do everything you can to consider my feelings. But...... sometimes I wonder. Aren't you sacrificing too much of yourself? Even now...... you're sacrificing yourself for me. Sometimes you need to be honest about your desires. But you're holding them back, and in a way, that feels like indifference......”
At some point, she'd lowered her head. The burden of being treated with the utmost consideration. That was what she was feeling. I said quietly.
“I don't want to see you sacrificed for my desires.”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course.”
“No. It doesn't look that way.”
I raised my eyebrows slightly in confusion. What is she talking about? I don't love her? What in the world does that mean?
“What...... do you mean?”
“Love is patience, and pain. And it's joy. If you truly loved me, you should've given in to your desires, even for a moment. Did I look that stupid to you? Did I look that innocent? Did I look so foolish that I couldn't understand the feelings of the man I love?”
“N-no...... No.”
“Then why?! Why use the word sacrifice? Why?!”
I said nothing. And I thought. Had I been treating her as an important possession, rather than a lover? I rose from my chair.
The rain had already stopped.
I went over to her. Then I spoke softly.
“I'm sorry......”
“I love you......”
I pulled her into my arms. I could feel her body trembling a little.
Without even knowing it, I'd hurt her. I'd resolved never to hurt her, and yet I'd been doing exactly that.
I pressed my lips to hers. Then I whispered softly in her ear.
“I'm sorry...... for everything......”
“Hic......”
She sobbed quietly, and I held her tightly. Then I took her by the shoulders and met her eyes. Countless meanings passed between us.
I carefully laid her on the bed. Then I took her small white hand. Her hand twitched faintly. But soon she clasped mine.
I embraced her.
After that day, we became far more physically affectionate. The taboo that had kept us from acting on our desire to caress and touch each other vanished completely after ‘that day’, and we felt a deeper love for each other.
Which is the better love: physical love filled with desire, or platonic love imbued with spiritual purity? Most would say platonic love, but that, too, is only half of love.
A love in which body and spirit are together is the purest love. But I think a love that favors neither side, staying between them, deserves the highest praise. Everyone around me was now treating me outright as a cradle robber, but who could stop me when I was happy?
Autumn had passed, and winter was beginning. Mid-November. At the time when high-school seniors would be happily running about after finishing their university entrance exams, I arranged for her to meet my parents. She was quite embarrassed, but her meeting with them went well.
My parents don't judge people by their circumstances. I truly respect them both for that. So when they heard she had no parents, rather than giving her strange looks, they patted her shoulders and asked her to take good care of me. Tears welled in her eyes.
“They're wonderful people.”
That was what she said after meeting my parents. I nodded in deep agreement.
And the next day, I bought a ring.
I'm going to propose to her.
***
“Who in the world was that woman?”
“I told you...... A classmate from high school......!”
She looked as though she simply couldn't understand. And I grew even more flustered. Damn it! Of all days, today!
I'd meant to propose to her today. But a sudden, unwelcome visitor had spoiled everything. A woman who'd followed me around in high school, making a nuisance of herself.
To put it bluntly, without beating around the bush, that bitch's hobby was seducing men and toying with them. First, she'd lure a man in with her naturally sensual body and face.
If he had a lover or a girlfriend, she'd laugh as she watched them break up, then promptly abandon him. She had a truly nasty hobby.
I hadn't known when she first approached me, but after seeing her true nature by chance, I'd avoided her like the plague. I really, really disliked her. We'd spent only a month or so together, and there'd been no physical contact of any kind during that time.
To put it directly, that woman enjoyed playing with men between her legs.
Perhaps she resented my discovering what she was like, because that bitch followed me around almost to the point of harassment throughout high school. Who'd be pleased to have someone they disliked constantly clinging to them?! There'd even been a rumor at one point that I was her boyfriend, you know?
But I hate and despise people who make a hobby of playing with other people's feelings. So I kept my distance from that bitch until the end of high school, and thankfully escaped her clutches when we graduated.
And yesterday, just as I was about to propose to my darling girl, that bitch appeared before us.
“Ohoho! Oh my~ How long has it been? A new girl already? Looks like you've forgotten all about me, after we spent all of high school playing together? She seems innocent. Treat her well, and don't make her cry like you did me. Bye, then~!”
She spewed a stream of bullshit that was neither a greeting nor anything worth saying, then left, completely ruining the mood between us. My girl wanted to know about that bitch, so I sincerely told her the unvarnished truth. She nodded and seemed to accept it, while I wondered when another chance to propose would come after the one I'd so regrettably lost.
Damn it, damn it, damn it!
A nightmare from the past, in the flesh......
After that incident, her attitude seemed to change a little. Is this what they mean about how frightening words can be? Learning that I'd briefly seen a woman before her seemed to leave her a little sulky. But as I earnestly apologized and begged forgiveness, her expression gradually softened. Was she unexpectedly the jealous type?
But I hadn't known that wasn't the end of it.
That goddamned fucking bitch! What in the world did you tell her?!
I rushed outside as soon as I got her angry, tearful call. Through her tears, she spoke.
How could a high-school classmate cry and beg her to give me back? She was crying, asking whether everything I'd done had been to toy with her.
I dashed straight outside.
Damn it! What the hell did that bitch sa......!
“In quite a hurry, aren't you? Oh dear, your feet must be on fi......!”
SLAP!
For some reason, she'd been waiting in front of my house, and smirked when she saw me come out. I slapped her across the cheek. I, who never hit women, had struck one in the face. I muttered softly.
“You deserve to die, bitch...... What the hell did you say?!”
“......”
With her head turned to one side, she said nothing. I didn't want to deal with that bitch any longer. Just as I turned to go and look for my girl again, a voice came from behind me.
“It was a moment of spite. I chased you for 3 years, and you never even looked at me...... but you were looking at her with such warm eyes.”
“That still doesn't excuse it!”
“I know. I'm sorry. She's probably in Sinchon by now. I'll explain everything to her properly later......”
“Oh, right.”
“That was the first time...... you'd ever hit me, or I'd ever seen you angry......”
Leaving her murmurs behind, I ran.
Was it prejudice? Had I been treating her with prejudice?
All kinds of thoughts crowded my head for a moment, but I soon forgot them. She was the only person I was truly, desperately looking for.
Please, please be there! Please!