Qin Duan froze. From… when did it all begin?
In truth, his early life had been marked by bitter hardship. When he suffered a severe illness at the age of eight, all memories of his childhood were wiped clean. His grandfather had told him that he was found and taken in by him; at the time, he looked to be about seven or eight years old, so his grandfather consulted the almanac to determine his age, birth date, and gave him his name.
The grandfather and grandson lived a life of poverty, yet their home possessed an entire room lined with old books and classical texts. His grandfather used to say that studying did not necessarily have to be for the sake of earning official rank and honors; it was merely meant to broaden one’s knowledge and horizons. His education in letters came entirely from his grandfather, but his grandfather had never wished for him to participate in the provincial examinations. A court like this, his grandfather would say, is simply not worth serving.
Later on, the flames of war erupted everywhere, and he and his grandfather became refugees. Along the flight of escape, his grandfather fell gravely ill. With his dying breath, his grandfather stared intently into his eyes, as though holding a thousand unsaid words, yet not a single syllable managed to pass his lips.
His grandfather was gone. He no longer had a home, and amidst the vast and boundless world, he felt utterly alone. He journeyed southward toward lands untouched by war, until that fateful day when he lay by the roadside, starved to the absolute limit and believing he was about to go meet his grandfather—only to be rescued by Xie Zhengming’s mother. He stayed behind and became Xie Zhengming’s sworn pact-brother.
He loved Xie Zhengming. From the very first glance, he knew he loved this man, even though Xie Zhengming at the time did not care for him at all and even held an intense aversion toward him.
Yet, gradually, Xie Zhengming’s attitude toward him shifted. He would help him with chores and feel a pang of distress if Qin Duan accidentally scratched himself. Between the sheets, Xie Zhengming was always careful to shield him, softly asking, “Does it hurt?” He would call his name with tenderness, and even ask him with reddened ears, “Do you hold affection for me?”
It wasn’t until the two of them reached the height of passion when Xie Zhengming uttered that promise—“…to take you as my wife”—that Qin Duan knew he could never tear himself away from Xie Zhengming for the rest of his life. He loved him so deeply that he was willing to transform every ounce of his flesh and blood into a continuous, lingering devotion, keeping him company day and night, purely so Xie Zhengming could be happy.
Back then, Xie Zhengming had been completely devoted to him, heart and soul. Therefore, even when Xie Zhengming rendered monumental services in the founding of the new dynasty, Qin Duan had never once suspected that Xie Zhengming might abandon him in the future.
Human nature is truly curious: no matter how many books one reads or how clear and enlightened one fancies oneself to be, when it comes to one’s own affairs, one remains blind to the truth especially when deeply entangled in the mire of romance.
Until last Mid-Autumn Festival.
By that time, the Emperor had already brought the vast majority of the realm under his control, and victory was well within their grasp.
That day, General Ziying from the Emperor’s side who was none other than the Grand Eunuch currently holding the imperial seal in the palace was drinking and chatting leisurely with Xie Zhengming by the riverside.
At the time, General Ziying had asked:
“General Xie hails from Minzhou, and I am well aware of the customs in your homeland. Being sworn pact-brothers is equivalent to taking a male wife, though it doesn’t prevent either party from officially marrying a wife and having children later on. However, seeing how deeply and devotedly Brother Qin is attached to you, I assume he cannot bear to part with you. Yet if things go on this way, won’t he be left without any offspring?”
Both men had consumed a fair amount of alcohol at the time and failed to notice that Qin Duan was standing not far away. Qin Duan had come to deliver a change of clothes to Xie Zhengming; because the night wind was chilly, he had waited quietly until the banquet concluded, yet seeing that Xie Zhengming still hadn’t returned to his tent, he couldn’t help stepping out to search for him. Hearing them touch upon the crucial topic, he halted his steps, wanting to hear how Xie Zhengming would respond.
He heard Xie Zhengming reply:
“Qin Duan is an orphan to begin with, taken in and adopted by an old man. He remembers nothing of his early childhood and doesn’t even know his actual surname or given name. That being the case, whether or not he has descendants is of no great importance. When the time comes, my children will be his children.”
Ziying had paused for a moment before offering a light, casual laugh:
“Let us hope Brother Qin shares your thoughts.”
Ziying had glanced back seemingly without intent, though he said no more.
As for Qin Duan, standing silently behind them, he felt as though he had instantly plunged into an icy abyss, his blood freezing solid through and through.
So… Xie Zhengming intended to marry a wife and have children after all… he had even planned everything out for the future. With a casual, breezy dismissal—“of no great importance”—he had unilaterally decided his destiny of being left without children in his later years. But what about himself? As for Xie Zhengming, he was destined to have a wife and sons of his own…
From that day onward, Qin Duan understood completely: in Xie Zhengming’s eyes, he could never possibly be the one and only. A shattered heart cannot easily be mended. He silently mapped out his future in his mind: he would assist Xie Zhengming in achieving glory and success, and afterward, he would simply leave.
Qin Duan had thought his plan through thoroughly, yet he failed to realize that his roots were already deeply embedded in Xie Zhengming his love was like a quagmire, impossible to escape from so easily.
In his past life, Qin Duan had chosen not to leave time and time again, only to end up trampled and tortured by Princess Yanning, even losing a sound, healthy leg in the process.
Gazing at Xie Zhengming, Qin Duan felt as though a thousand words were choked up in his throat.
Why ask? Haven’t you already mapped out the future long ago? Why bother probing like this? Does Xie Zhengming not know how he feels toward him? Why, when you had already resolved to take a wife and have children, did you still have to inflict such agonizing pain upon me?
Though Qin Duan held no official post and drifted like a piece of duckweed, he was born with an unyielding backbone; it was purely because he loved Xie Zhengming too deeply that he repeatedly retracted his sharp edges. Unable to hold back any longer, he retorted:
“Why does A-zheng ask such a thing? You are a Prince of the realm; is marrying a wife and having children not your deepest desire? I am a man and cannot bear children. Therefore, being permitted to remain in this western courtyard is already an act of grace from Your Highness. You need not worry that I will use our pact-brother agreement to stir up trouble; I, Qin Duan, am not that kind of person.”
Xie Zhengming froze. He opened his mouth, finding himself temporarily struck dumb.
Could Qin Duan… have thought that my asking him this today was out of fear that he would use the pact-brother agreement to disrupt my future marriage? Overwhelmed by distress and frantic panic, Xie Zhengming suddenly felt a surge of sweet-salty heat rush up his throat, and a mouthful of fresh blood spewed forth.
Utterly terrified, Qin Duan’s voice shook with anxiety:
“A-zheng! A-zheng, what is wrong with you?”
With a trace of stubborn petulance, Xie Zhengming turned his head away, refusing to let Qin Duan look at his face. Frantically gripping Xie Zhengming’s clothes, Qin Duan realized with a shock that Xie Zhengming’s robes were completely drenched.
“Let’s have the estate physician summoned, A-zheng. I was wrong, all right? Please… don’t be angry with me.”
Qin Duan spoke with a tearful, choking sob. How could Xie Zhengming bear to make him worry any further? This was all the karma of his own making—he was the one who had failed Qin Duan; what right did he have to be angry?
Clutching Qin Duan’s hand, he pressed it against his own chest, his gaze lingering tenderly on Qin Duan’s tear-streaked eyes as he reached out to gently wipe away the tears.
“Don’t cry. I was merely panicked for a moment, I’m quite all right, there’s no need to call the physician. A’duan, I am sorry, I am truly sorry. It is my fault for not handling things well and failing to make you trust me. I do not wish to marry a wife or have children—truly, I do not! I want only you; from this day forward, I want only you! A’duan, I will make you believe me.”
Listening to Xie Zhengming’s heartfelt, earnest words, gazing into his sincere eyes, Qin Duan’s vision finally drifted to the lingering smudge of crimson left at the corner of Xie Zhengming’s lips from the blood he had just coughed up.
He pulled out his handkerchief and gently wiped the corners of Xie Zhengming’s mouth, his voice softening entirely.
“Very well, I will listen to whatever you say. In short, as long as my lord does not cast me aside, I shall not leave how does that sound?”
Xie Zhengming reflected upon her words: he had neglected Qin Duan for so long; expecting the man to completely trust him overnight was indeed unrealistic. Moreover, someone as intelligent as Qin Duan had he not loved him to the absolute marrow of his bones would never have endured so much suffering in his past life, nor would he have so easily chosen to believe him simply because he coughed up a mouthful of blood and uttered a few emotionally stirring words.
Yet he also knew that Qin Duan’s promises carried the weight of Mount Tai; whatever he said he would do, he would certainly fulfill. The fact that he didn’t fully trust him yet was still willing to pledge never to leave first what profound affection, what genuine love was this! What manner of man was he, Xie Zhengming, to deserve such devotion…
He pulled Qin Duan fiercely into his embrace, resting his chin upon his shoulder as silent tears fell.
A’duan, my good A’duan, you have no idea—I am a man who has died once already. Watching you marry another with my own eyes in my past life made me wish I could claw my own eyes out; I could not endure that heart-shattering agony, and so I vomited blood and died. I love you, I am utterly incapable of losing you, and I will absolutely, absolutely never fail you again…
After Qin Duan held Xie Zhengming for a moment, noticing that the fellow seemed to be crying on his shoulder, shock rippled through his heart. The peerless, invincible Mighty General of Weiyuan, the dignified Prince Ding, was actually weeping like a child in his partner’s arms if word of this ever spread, outsiders would surely assume it was an absurd fabrication spun by a professional storyteller.
Gently patting Xie Zhengming’s back, Qin Duan offered soothing words:
“All right now, your clothes are this wet, and I am getting cold as well. Hurry up and get up to change into dry garments.”
Only then did Xie Zhengming straighten up, wiping his eyes and somewhat sheepishly tugging at his crumpled, soaked robes.
“I, I’ll go change right away.”
Watching Xie Zhengming’s retreating figure, Qin Duan felt a whirlwind of complex emotions. Xie Zhengming’s personal attendants were always exceptionally diligent in their duties how on earth could they have allowed him to sit through an entire opera in the pouring rain until his body was drenched through? And why had he rushed straight to his side right after?
Taking advantage of the time Xie Zhengming spent changing clothes, Qin Duan questioned Zhuzi, the servant accompanying him, and only then discovered that Xie Zhengming had actually sat out in the rain, listening to the entirety of Qin Xianglian and A Dream of Jiangnan.
Coupled with Xie Zhengming’s abnormal behavior throughout the day, Qin Duan mused that although Xie Zhengming was now an exalted Prince, one must walk on thin ice when serving a monarch; imperial majesty was heavy, and some grievances simply could not be voiced to outsiders.
Ever since ancient times, founding monarchs were invariably stained with blood—blood not only belonging to opposing forces of the former regime, but also to the meritorious ministers who fought alongside them to conquer the empire. As for those founding generals, most ultimately met the tragic fate of being slaughtered once the hares were caught, their usefulness having expired the so-called tragedy of destroying the bow once the birds are hunted, driven by the sovereign’s excessive suspicion toward subjects whose merits overshadow the throne…
More than once, Qin Duan had attempted to persuade Xie Zhengming to restrain his brilliance and avoid displaying his majesty too overtly before others, yet Xie Zhengming had stubbornly refused to listen. It appeared that Xie Zhengming himself was finally beginning to sense the mounting undercurrents.