Probably something wrong with his bionic sense of smell.
The little Jiang robot sniffed and walked to the door to dig out his keys. He hadn’t even fully pulled them out yet.
He was inserting the key into the lock, Ye Cheng’s words still echoing in his head. Even though he’d had a falling out with that human Tang Ning, he remembered she’d had quite a lot of fans, and yet dating had wrecked her all the way down to livestream sales.
Good thing he’d already gotten divorced.
As long as no one found out about this, he’d never say anything himself, and as for Duan Zhihan—
Duan Zhihan would be too busy worrying he’d say something to bother introducing their relationship to anyone in public, so no one else would ever know.
Jiang Li lowered his eyelids and pushed the door open.
This house was the big one he’d specifically bought when they got married, spending nearly half a year’s savings on it. Now only he lived here, if he’d known, he should’ve bought a smaller place.
The doorknob turned slowly, and the moment the door opened, he froze, light spilled out from inside the house.
Duan Zhihan sat sideways on the living room couch, long legs crossed lazily, a silver-white laptop resting nearby.
Seeing him, the man closed the laptop and blinked his glowing peach-blossom eyes at him. “Welcome home.”
The tone was so warm it sounded as if they were still newlyweds. There must be something wrong with the way he’d opened the door.
Jiang Li slammed the door shut.
Opened it again.
His motions were smooth and continuous, after opening the door, the man was still sitting in the living room, the lights illuminating his exceptionally striking face clearly.
The stunned little robot finally realized this had nothing to do with the door. He glanced instinctively outside, thankfully, no one was around.
Jiang Li closed the door cautiously. “We’re already divorced. Who let you into my house? Breaking into someone’s home is a criminal offense.”
Duan Zhihan didn’t seem to take his threat seriously at all. He closed his laptop leisurely and stood up from the couch.
“Baby, I’m here to get my luggage.”
Jiang Li’s ears twitched unnaturally, but only for an instant, robots didn’t make mistakes, only humans did.
He raised his tone to challenge him. “You didn’t think to come get it earlier? You had to wait until I got home to start packing?”
After a long pause, he added stiffly, “And you’re not allowed to call me baby.”
“Why not?”
Duan Zhihan suddenly leaned in close, the shadow of him looming over Jiang Li’s face, as if enveloping him from above.
Jiang Li’s body stiffened instantly, this distance was too close, close enough that he could smell the man’s deep woody scent.
He hated this kind of contact and pushed the man away without thinking. “Only people you like get to call you that.”
The implication being, people you dislike don’t deserve it.
Duan Zhihan suddenly smiled, and with that smile his dark eyes looked like spring snow suddenly melting.
He’d called Jiang Li “baby” plenty of times in bed, the boy would bury his face in the blanket, annoyed, but never once argue against it.
Jiang Li didn’t understand Duan Zhihan’s smile, being disliked made him this happy? Humans really were a hard-to-understand species.
He pressed on with a blank expression. “I’ll only give you ten minutes to pack. If you’re not done, get out anyway!”
“Understood.”
Duan Zhihan replied unhurriedly.
Jiang Li imperceptibly let out a breath of relief. As the man passed by on his right, he seemed to lower his voice and say something.
He couldn’t quite hear what it was, but he had a feeling it wasn’t anything nice, so he mentally shot back an “idiot” of his own.
Jiang Li sat on the couch supervising Duan Zhihan’s movements, and every time Duan Zhihan slowed down even a bit, he’d frown and hurry him along.
But the man seemed to be deliberately slowing down, listening intently to every word Jiang Li said.
Realizing this, Jiang Li shut his mouth, the little cowlick on top of his head sticking up defiantly, refusing to lie flat no matter how much he pressed it down.
Duan Zhihan’s lips curved slightly. Even angry, Jiang Li was cute.
Jiang Li was quite displeased with the stubborn strand of hair, but thankfully the ten minutes finally passed, and his attention returned to Duan Zhihan.
Seeing that the man had finished packing, he patiently reminded him, “Be careful going downstairs. Don’t let the reporters photograph you.”
Ye Cheng’s words had left Jiang Li especially wary, and he considered himself to be earnestly warning Duan Zhihan, since reporters in the capital were unpredictable.
Little did he know, Duan Zhihan stood by the door, his tone strangely subtle. “What’s wrong with being photographed?”
That attitude seemed to suggest his warning was completely pointless.
The little robot could tell he was being mocked, and shut the door coldly. Right after closing it, he got a call from Yuan Qing.
Yuan Qing sounded terrified. “Brother Jiang, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have posted those photos slandering you. I’ve already apologized on Weibo. If you’re not satisfied, I can even do a livestream apology, I just hope you’ll forgive me.”
Jiang Li hung up directly.
This was the first time he’d met a human so eager to self-destruct. He decided to record this in the “unusual behavior” section of his Earth life report.
But right after hanging up, the phone rang again. Was this Yuan Qing never going to give up? Jiang Li answered, exasperated.
Just as he was about to yell at him, Ye Cheng’s aggrieved voice came through the phone instead. “When did you and Duan Zhihan get married?”
“How do you know?”
Jiang Li’s cursing stopped short instantly. Maybe Ye Cheng had accidentally seen his divorce certificate, thankfully, Ye Cheng wouldn’t spread it around, he’d just nag him about it directly.
But what Ye Cheng said next exploded in his ears like a neutron star. “You’re asking me how I know? The entire internet knows!”
Jiang Li’s system crashed right then and there.
He didn’t hear a single word after that.
No wonder Duan Zhihan hadn’t cared about his warning, if the whole internet already knew about their relationship, being photographed was meaningless. Of course he’d been mocking him.
An image of himself doing livestream sales flashed through Jiang Li’s mind, him and Tang Ning, one selling sweaters, one selling clothes racks, calling everyone “family” over and over, and suddenly his heart went cold with despair.
The little robot felt his whole body about to fall apart, wishing he could find a cardboard box to hide himself inside, hoping some kind soul would carry the box out into space.
Meanwhile, on the other end, Ye Cheng was confused as to why Jiang Li had gone silent, so many brands were begging to sign contracts, brands that had previously threatened to cancel were now practically groveling, variety show invitations ranged from honeymoon-themed shows all the way to parenting shows, and as for Yuan Qing, he’d been thoroughly dragged through the mud.
Was Xiao Li just too happy to speak?
Jiang Li spent a long time mentally preparing himself before he opened Weibo. His fans loved him so much, if they wanted to unstan him after this, he could understand.
Jiang Li’s pale hand landed on the screen.
His name firmly occupied the top of the trending topics. Opening virtually any hashtag would show the photo of him in front of the civil affairs bureau.
He clicked open the blurry, low-resolution image, half wanting to murder the reporter, not because of being secretly photographed on the street, but because in the picture, he looked like a shapeless fuzzy ball.
The blue hairs on Jiang Li’s head all stood on end, deeply unsatisfied that the reporter had taken such an ugly photo, did reporters these days not even need training before starting the job?
He didn’t have the energy to argue with the reporter right now. He half-squinted his light-colored cat eyes and opened the comments below.
Of course, he already knew what to expect without looking, fans surely cursing him out en masse. He only looked to prepare himself mentally for going into livestream sales, but after opening the comments under the photo, he found he’d worried for nothing.
“Back to where the dream began! Wishing my baby and Teacher Duan a happy marriage”
“When’s the wedding? I want to send some homemade cookies for my baby”
“I checked the almanac, probably not this soon, but the 20th of this month is auspicious for marriage!”
Only then did Jiang Li dare to open his eyes fully, his fine lashes fluttering as he looked at the wall of blessings, wondering if Ye Cheng had hired bots.
But opening his fan group chat, he found the same overwhelming wave of well-wishes, and apparently, everyone thought he’d gotten a marriage certificate.
He wanted to deny it, thinking it was inauspicious, but seeing how invested his fans were, he hesitated and didn’t immediately deny it, just curiously asking on an anonymous account why nobody was unstanning him.
The first to answer were Duan Zhihan’s fans.
“I like Teacher Duan for his acting skills, as long as he keeps working hard on his craft after marriage, of course I won’t unstan”
“Teacher Duan’s character is great too, there was a disabled actor with no work, and it was him who recommended them to a production”
“For an actor, marriage doesn’t really matter, it’s just that the marriage partner is a bit unexpected. But everyone’s sending blessings, only one big fan hasn’t said anything yet”
He read the praise for Duan Zhihan with displeasure, guessing they must’ve hired bots too, while looking forward to his own fans’ answers.
Before long, his fans arrived to answer, forming a sharp contrast with Duan Zhihan’s fans.
“Baby’s so pretty, we’re all mom-fans anyway, as long as baby’s happy that’s all that matters”
“Yeah, the person above put it too gently, with baby’s temper, surely no one’s a girlfriend-fan, right?”
“There shouldn’t be any”
Jiang Li, expressionless, prepared to delete his Weibo. Not only did he want to delete his post, he wanted to switch fanbases entirely.
Right then, a few more comments appeared below, mentioning a piece of fanfiction.
“Am I the only one here because of author Jiang Li’s Little Baby’s fanfic?”
“Me too! I originally couldn’t accept baby marrying someone from the rival fandom, but the fic is genuinely so, so sweet”
“That author is truly a treasure. After finishing it I thought, if they’re going to be together, let them be together, rather than have baby ruin some poor girl’s life with that face, might as well ruin the rival fandom’s idol instead”
Jiang Li’s gaze lingered on the word “ruin” for a long time. Well, since he no longer had to sell sweaters, never mind, he wouldn’t hold it against them.
He grew curious about the fanfic mentioned in the comments, what kind of story could earn such high praise?
He clicked the link to the article.
This piece had gone viral online, said to be incredibly detailed and realistic. Jiang Li took one glance and thought, eh, so-so.
According to the story, they’d met at a banquet. He felt someone watching him from behind, and when he turned around, it was Duan Zhihan.
Probably because the weather was too hot, his neck had flushed red, and he’d stammered out a greeting, calling him “senior,” thinking it would be the start of something good.
After the banquet, someone in the industry had complained about how idols were ruining the film industry these days, and asked Duan Zhihan what he thought—Duan Zhihan had chuckled lightly.
In a way that meant nothing good.
That wasn’t a good kind of smile. He’d clenched his fist behind his back before letting it go, and finally left without saying a word.
From that day on, he’d known Duan Zhihan looked down on him, and of course, he looked down on this human too.
The fic claimed Duan Zhihan had taken a liking to him at first sight. How was that possible? Even if the universe folded itself into a two-dimensional sheet, that still wouldn’t be possible.
Jiang Li pulled his thoughts back.
In short, this piece was far too unrealistic, the author’s imagination was impressive, sure, but he couldn’t understand the comments below it at all.
“Falling for each other at first sight! That’s way too sweet”
“I suspect this isn’t written by a big fan under a pseudonym, maybe someone on Teacher Duan’s staff, otherwise how would they know they’d attended this banquet together”
“That’s possible! But digging up someone’s real identity is too hard for me. Thanks to author Jiang Li’s Little Baby for kicking off the golden age of fanfiction, there’s so much fic to read on AO3 now”
Considering the author might be one of his own fans, Jiang Li didn’t downvote it, but he quickly came to regret that.
Because this piece sparked an explosion of fanfic between him and Duan Zhihan, ranging from realistic settings to fantasy AUs, even including ABO pregnancy fics, where he put a question mark next to the unfamiliar term “birthing canal.”
“Jiang Li’s belly grew rounder day by day. Duan Zhihan accompanied him to prenatal checkups, and Jiang Li let out a soft whimper, collapsing into his arms, eyes full of anticipation for the new life to come”
Outside the fiction, Jiang Li stared coldly at his own flat stomach, and finally, unable to take it anymore, posted a Weibo update, mercilessly shattering his fans’ horrifying fantasies.
【Jiang Li】I got a fucking divorce certificate