Heroes aren't idiots. If they know the enemy will torture them, they make preparations. If they won't be allowed to die easily, they just do it themselves. In short—suicide.
These days, the moment they start losing, heroes kill themselves right away. Thanks to that, I'm constantly buried in resurrection work. Unplanned suicides have driven the cost of revival through the roof; the streets are now full of half-naked heroes dragging coffins behind them. The end times, really.
Knights are taught it's better to die in battle than be taken alive and shame themselves. That famous cry—"Kuh, korose!" ("Damn it, kill me!")—is almost a nursery rhyme. They say little knight-girls speak it before they ever learn "Papa" or "Mama." But alas, heroes shame themselves whether they live or die.
"Wow, I'm surprised. Who knew the Spiny Explosive Pufferfish had poison?" Katarina said it with a sunny smile, as if the name alone didn't sound like a death wish. Why, I wondered, would anyone even think to eat something called that? Sensing my disbelief, she hurried to defend herself.
"The flavor was amazing! I ate some first and felt fine, so I shared it with everyone." Slow-acting poison, then. A nice dinner, a bubbling hotpot of pufferfish, and—party wipe. I said heroes weren't idiots, but this group? Exception confirmed.
"Honestly, at a time like this! What a horrible way to die. Even tortured corpses look cleaner. Their bodies bloated like fish, eyes popped out, blood seeping from every hole, purple as bruises... If it weren't me, I'd have fainted on the spot. Don't you think so, Olivier?" "Yes. I fainted..." Poor Olivier-kun, who'd been first in line for resurrection, had the misfortune of waking to a scene straight out of a nightmare. Even now, his face had the color of a drowned corpse. He covered it with his hands and exhaled weakly.
"But the taste really was good." Oh, not you too. Humans and their appetite for discovery—terrifying.
"And you know, Julius," Rielle chimed in, her smile bright as ever, "that poison doesn't even hurt. At first you just feel fuzzy, then everything goes numb, and before you know it, you stop breathing. With that, I can meet you anytime I want." She clung to me, still smiling. Why does she only ever want to see me when she's dead? I sidestepped her wandering hand as she reached for my robes, and sighed.
"Honestly, you people. Using divine miracles like they're nothing. Not that you're the only ones—but at this rate, the Church will collapse." "Is this about the torture and suicide thing? We just hate pain. You can't really stop someone from avoiding that, right?" Exactly. Heroes still feel pain. They might be used to dying, but not to hurting.
The Goddess revives them, sure—but she never removed their sense of pain. Fight more, suffer more, die more—that's her message. No doubt she's sipping wine above the clouds, admiring their twisted faces. Talk about bad taste. Still, if they didn't feel pain, they'd be dying even faster. Death means nothing to them anymore. Even monsters value life more than these idiots—and I'm sure the monsters would rather not look at what's left of them.
"Ah." "What is it?" Olivier tilted his head. I hesitated, words half-formed in my mind.
"Well, it's just... if I say this, you'll think I'm getting uppity. And I'm not exactly the 'strategist' type..." Olivier's blue face cracked a shaky smile as he patted my shoulder.
"Something came to mind? Hard to imagine the pampered priest from our peaceful church has any insight to fix this, but sure—let's hear it." "Eh? You have to promise not to laugh." "Hmm, can't promise that." "Then I'm not telling." "Kidding, kidding. Come on, tell me." Somehow, our mood lightened. We leaned in, whispering and snickering like children. Giggle, giggle, giggle.
* * *
"Listen up, you worthless losers!" Aegis's heels cracked against the platform as she glared down at the gathered heroes. Their faces were blank, expressions dimmed; perfectly aligned ranks of beautiful, hollow-eyed soldiers stood with hands clasped behind their backs, staring into nothing.
"You lost to monsters and then had the gall to kill yourselves? Pathetic cowards!" Aegis's voice cracked like a whip over the assembled heroes. "The Goddess herself must be weeping above the clouds. If you're going to die, then at least do it in a way that pleases Her. Stop pretending you have dignity. Make it entertaining! Die in a way that shocks the soul, scars the mind, leaves us unable to forget! You're less than insects—so perform like it!" Ahh, Aegis never disappoints. Look at those faces—every hero frozen, pale, eyes darting anywhere but at her. Not one dares to protest. Because who would? She's terrifying. In the end, it's not what you say, it's who says it.
I could never pull that off. My role's more of the soothing type, you know? The "healing" priest. Harsh words just don't suit me. So here I am, standing behind her with the best "I was threatened into hosting this at the church" expression I can manage. And while looking suitably coerced, I start handing out little glass vials to the heroes.
Inside each is the toxin extracted from the Spiny Explosive Pufferfish. A single sip numbs the nerves completely—no pain, no fear. Give it a little time, though, and the body swells grotesquely, bursting blood from every pore—a scene seared into any onlooker's mind. Tonight's dreams will have a new star. Torture becomes pointless. They won't feel a thing. If a torturer tries to press too hard, the inflated corpse will burst, drenching the room in a crimson shower. A guaranteed splash of color for everyone's nightmares.
Olivier leaned toward me and whispered. "Priest-sama." "Yes?" "You're horrifying." Ouch. Couldn't he sugarcoat that a little? And didn't he already say that earlier? Once was enough. Though, fair's fair—he did promise not to mock me.
"Hey, if you heroes weren't such a disaster, I wouldn't have to come up with ideas like this. I'd much rather be barricaded in the church with a bag of chips. But if things keep up, I'll be too busy resurrecting you idiots to even eat." He frowned. "Do monsters even get traumatized by gory human corpses?" I nodded with full confidence. "Of course they do. Monsters have feelings too. Some are even kind enough to peel grapes for hungry humans. Even in tortured corpses, I've sensed a trace of compassion—like they thought, 'Ah, if I'd cut here instead, the pain would've lasted longer.' Touching, really."
"Or maybe they're just bad at it?" He wasn't wrong. Torture's an art, after all—pain without death. Not easy. And for those clumsy brutes, it's a challenge. Which is why I'd like to solve the problem before they perfect their technique.
"By the way," Olivier murmured, "isn't it... kind of wrong for a priest to promote suicide? Won't divine punishment fall on you?" I snorted. "If the Goddess has a problem, she can stop me herself. If she doesn't—well, that's tacit approval, isn't it?" 'You're quick to speak in My name.' A voice rang through me. And suddenly—the world shifted.
Before me stood a small girl, arms crossed, feet planted wide. I smiled instinctively. "Eheh." 'What's funny? Forcing my precious heroes into something so cruel, and you laugh?' Oh dear. She's actually angry. She pinched her tiny nose, eyes gleaming with divine disgust.
'Also, you smell.' That one hit deep. Really deep. "Not my fault!" I protested to the empty air. "Even with daily baths and clean robes, the blood scent sticks, okay? Occupational hazard! Who do you think I'm doing this for?" Maybe this is what it feels like when your daughter says, "Papa, you stink." This could actually kill me—emotionally, at least.
No, no. It's a hallucination. Stress and exhaustion, that's all. A priest's conscience taking shape, nothing more. 'How convenient for you. Just don't use My name for your barbaric schemes again. From the outside, it looks like a cult.'
"But it's a good plan! If they're going to die anyway, why not make it hurt the monsters? If we can't damage their bodies, we can at least scar their minds!" 'Heh. I hope it works. But remember—the mind is invisible. You might think you're wounding them, only to find the wound was your own.' That tone... not reassuring. I had a bad feeling. Maybe divine disapproval wasn't worth testing.
"You're right, Goddess. My apologies. A foolish plan from a foolish priest. I'll cancel it at once." 'No,' she said. 'Continue. Just don't invoke My name again.'
Notes:
• Katarina - A female adventurer known for her cheerful demeanor but cursed with a tendency to die repeatedly.
• Olivier - A male adventurer burdened by the constant deaths of his companion Katarina.
• Julius - The Main Character.
• Rielle - A female hero dressed in garish pastel colors, hopelessly in love with Julius and persistently pestering him, known for her necromantic abilities and erratic behavior..
• Aegis - a female red-haired holy knight in silver armor, harsh to others and herself but shows weakness to Julius, to whom she swore loyalty, leads the Secret Police Squad.