"It won't come off... it just won't come off..."
Scrub, scrub, scrub.
"Um, excuse me..."
Scrubscrubscrubscrub—
"It won't come off! No matter how much I wash, the blood won't come off!"
"What won't come off?"
At the voice behind me, I twist my neck all the way around.
"The blood! No matter how many times I wash it, it won't come off!"
"Gyaaa! A ghost!"
Katarina flips backward, landing on her rear. I sigh down at her from above.
"Why are you screaming?"
"That's my line! What are you doing?"
"Can't you tell? I'm washing the carpet."
She groans. "You don't have to wash it like some kind of 'Carpet-Washing Monster,' you know. Just... clean it normally."
Who are you calling a monster?
At least thirty percent of this blood is yours, you know.
"Anyway, why are you suddenly cleaning carpets?"
"Because they're coming! Inspectors from the Church Headquarters!"
I clutch my blood-stained hands against my temples. I have no idea what they're inspecting, but it's true—agents from the headquarters are on their way. They say appearances make the man, and a priest brooding in a blood-soaked chapel doesn't exactly inspire faith.
I have to make this place spotless—present a priest so dazzlingly pure that anyone would be charmed.
So I scrub. Scrub and scrub and scrub.
"It won't wash out... the blood won't wash out..."
"Don't strain yourself. Your eyes are bloodshot. And honestly, even if you do wash it now—"
"Th—that's not true! I can still—"
My hands slow.
Of course I know. I'm just distracting myself—busywork to avoid facing the real problem.
The work I should be doing still lies untouched behind me.
I stop scrubbing and lift my gaze.
The mountain of corpses stares back.
Thanks to the 'Secret Police,' Aegis-san, our number of heroes has been steadily declining. Their remains rain down upon the church, lifeless heaps of meat.
I should be resurrecting them first. That's my real duty.
But... but...!
My knees hit the floor. I clench my fists and strike the carpet.
A wet, sickening sound—blood sprays.
"I don't... want to work anymore..."
"Neglecting your duties is not an option. Hurry up and heal Olivier already!"
Easy for her to say—the woman who brings me all the work!
No matter how many I revive, the heroes just keep dying. Aegis acts like she's obedient, but she won't stop killing them. I even asked her to ease up, but she just mumbled excuses and kept polishing the stars on her armor.
So many dead, yet no progress. It's clear now that she's chasing something else entirely—no longer the torturer's trail, but her own obsession.
Katarina-san, miraculously not dead this time, is being noisy again.
With a sigh, I resurrect Olivier-kun.
He rises from his coffin, freshly reborn, and exhales wearily.
"We really can't function without Rielle, can we?"
Rielle's been busy collecting stars lately—hasn't gone adventuring for a while. Maybe she tried to take one from Aegis and got slaughtered for it. I haven't seen her in ages.
What now... A pile of corpses in a church isn't the best look. Maybe I should just bury them... maybe under Margaret-chan's roots...
"Priest! Your eyes—they're wild! You're supposed to be the 'refreshing priest,' remember? Stay with us!"
"What even is this inspection, anyway?"
"No idea. But apparently the hero death rate and resignation rate in this region are off the charts, so... probably that."
"Oh..."
Olivier looks at me with pity.
What am I supposed to do?
I'm a good priest, honest! I've got nothing to hide.
But that doesn't stop people from making up stories—claims that I use banned drugs to make holy water, that I mass-poisoned heroes with spiked blowfish toxin, even that I'm in league with demons.
Utter nonsense. Right, Margaret-chan?
I glance toward the garden. Margaret-chan is blooming magnificently, as always.
And then it hits me.
"Oh no—Margaret-chan!"
A monster growing out of the church grounds... that's not going to look good. The heroes were so numb from dying they didn't even question it, but what'll the inspectors think? This could destroy me...
"What are you talking about? What's wrong with Margaret-chan being here?"
Guh—
A dark void seems to swirl in Olivier-kun's eyes.
I look away before it swallows me whole.
Every time Margaret-chan comes up, he becomes unreasonably obsessed.
"Speaking of which—her pollen. You still have some, right? Give it to me."
"...Ah, I already used it all to make potions."
"Liar! I know you have some left! Hand it over!"
He lunges for me. I try to shake him off, but he's far stronger.
I flail and scream.
"No! What do you even need that stuff for?"
"Right, pollen doesn't even taste good."
Katarina mutters absently, licking the edge of a bowl she's holding as if none of this matters.
The bowl glows with thick, golden nectar.
"...What is that?"
"I got it from that plant."
She licks the honey again, eyes drifting toward Margaret-chan blooming in the garden.
"W–wait, why are you the one with her nectar?"
"Oh, she gives it to you if you bring her a small Goddess statue. And it's so, so good."
"It was you?! And—why are you in my room?!"
Katarina blinks. "Was I not supposed to be?"
"Of course not! Why are heroes always so shameless—wait, did you go through my drawers?"
"Yeah, but there wasn't anything worth taking."
This woman...!
But I don't have time to deal with her.
Olivier is trembling, barely containing his rage.
This is bad. When someone who wasn't even in the competition snatches the prize, pride shatters.
"Don't, Olivier."
"Damn it—let go of me! Margaret-chaaaan!"
"Sei!"
I hurl one of the small Goddess statues I keep near the altar. Margaret-chan has stolen them before, so I keep spares.
Olivier, blinded by fury, steps on the statue and trips, landing flat on his back.
"She wouldn't have given you honey anyway. She'd have killed you."
We've got corpses literally rotting in piles already. I don't need another.
Olivier crawls across the blood-slick floor, his dark gaze shifting from Margaret-chan to Katarina's bowl.
"Then I'll take yours!"
With a burst of heroic speed, he lunges for her.
"Stop! Let go—this is my—!"
Katarina curls protectively around the bowl, but she's a mage, not a warrior. She can't overpower him.
"Aah!"
Olivier wrenches the bowl from her grasp, his face twisting into a hideous grin unworthy of his beauty.
"Heh... hehehe... the honey..."
But he never gets to taste it.
I'm gasping for breath, chest heaving.
I had no choice.
A beast that tastes human flesh always turns savage—it'll keep hunting until someone stops it. I couldn't let him drink that nectar.
I stare at the Goddess statue in my hand, now stained with blood, then at Olivier lying motionless beyond it.
Maybe I'll be condemned for this, told there was a gentler way.
But gentle ways belong to those with greater strength than mine.
I'm just a weak priest. Ambush is all I have.
"O–Olivier?!"
Katarina rushes to his side, eyes sharp with blame when she looks up at me.
"You didn't have to go that far!"
...Heh. Heheheh.
A laugh slips out before I can stop it.
Katarina—your anger isn't for him, is it? Because there's drool on your lips.
I glance down. The honey has spilled, mixing with Olivier's blood, glimmering strangely on the floor.
You've tasted Margaret-chan's nectar too. You know its pull.
And now, I can't let a witness to this madness live.
I grip the bloodied Goddess statue tight and take a step forward.
"Stop! Please!"
Katarina grabs my leg with desperate strength and yanks me down. For someone so scrawny, she's strong.
She looks down at me, eyes wide with something unholy—and smiles.
"If I offer you to that plant... I bet I could get more honey."
You little—!
She giggles. "Come along, Priest. Don't hate me. That honey's magic is impossible to resist."
"Stop! No!"
She hefts me over her shoulder like a sack.
I slam the small statue into the back of her skull. Katarina drops with a thud, not even trying to break her fall.
"Phew... troublesome woman."
I shake the statue, flinging off the blood.
Let's just... pretend none of this happened. Hallucinations during resurrection are common enough, right?
She's probably not dead—barely. I'll heal her later and act innocent.
"Uh... hey..."
Huh?
I turn toward the church door—and freeze.
Shining armor, spotless and gleaming. Hair perfectly brushed, catching the light.
This one isn't like the usual adventurers. A true knight.
"Wh–what on earth are you doing?"
Even his voice is clean, crisp—pure nobility from the capital itself.
The inspection.
Of course.
The knight's gaze drifts to my hand.
I follow it—oh. The small Goddess statue. Essential priestly tool, yes.
Except for the part where it's drenched in blood.
I hide the bloodied statue behind my back with practiced ease, stretch a perfect smile across my face, and say softly:
"Welcome to our humble church."
Notes:
• Katarina - A female adventurer known for her cheerful demeanor but cursed with a tendency to die repeatedly.
• Aegis - a female red-haired holy knight in silver armor, harsh to others and herself but shows weakness to Julius, to whom she swore loyalty, leads the Secret Police Squad.
• Olivier - A male adventurer burdened by the constant deaths of his companion Katarina.
• Rielle - A female hero dressed in garish pastel colors, hopelessly in love with Julius and persistently pestering him, known for her necromantic abilities and erratic behavior..
• Margaret-chan - an Alraune(?) living in the church garden with pure white petals and hair, flat-bodied like a doll, releases pollen, gender subject to various theories, hopelessly in love with Julius.