Resurrection, curse-breaking, poison cures—those fees are fixed by Church headquarters, not by us priests. So no matter which church you visit, the price is the same nationwide. We're not allowed to tack on extra "donations." However mangled the corpse, however nasty the curse, however lethal the poison—the donation we can accept is never all that much.
Only those three basics are regulated. Everything else—services and pricing—is up to each priest.
"So," I said, "our church is going to start selling holy water. I want you to be our tester."
"Why me...?" Gram's mouth pinched into a sulk.
Aegis folded her arms and looked down at him. "Silence. You have permission to say only one phrase: 'Yes, sir.'"
"Ugh... and she's here too."
His gaze crept to the sword at Aegis-san's hip. Getting his head lopped off by her had clearly left a mark.
I leaned in with my best priestly smile. "Cooperate and I'll treat you fairly. Unless you'd prefer to settle your, ah, overdue donations right now."
"Tch. Is that a threat? Is this what a priest does? Human experimentation?" he spat, all swagger.
"Oh—ah—my arm," I groaned, clutching my right arm and crouching. "The one assaulted by a thug in that cave—throbbing again... I'll have to report this to HQ and make sure the culprit's breath is permanently stopped—slowly, if possible—"
"I'll help," Gram said at once.
"Good."
He's a small-time crook, but he's got real hero experience and a long adventuring record. Perfect test subject. Best of all, my conscience won't sting if the sample holy water does him in.
"First question," I said. "What kind of holy water do you want, Gram?"
"Well..." He scratched his head, frowning. "I don't really use holy water. At best it keeps weak monsters away, right? And in a dungeon or a nest, it hardly works. Against undead you can do a little damage, sure, but it's faster to just fight them—whoa!?"
Aegis seized his collar in a blur. "Do not soil the priest's ears with your drivel. And when you speak, end every sentence with 'sir, Priest-san.'"
"I'm answering his question! Also, who even are you!?"
Her grip tightened. If he died, it would be a hassle. Resurrections kill the mood. These things live and die by tempo; once you stop for a resurrection, it becomes, 'I'm tired, let's reconvene another day,' and 'another day' never comes.
Wearing the gentle smile of a devout pacifist, I slipped between them. "Calm down, Aegis. Leave this to me."
Gram groaned. "What are you people...?"
"To be honest, I agree about holy water," I said. "I've watched beginner adventurers tuck a vial into their bag like a charm, then months later fish it out of a corner and toss it away. Blasphemy, really—throwing holy water. So I started simple: I made a stronger version."
At my signal, Aegis produced a bottle heavy with liquid. Gram took it, bewildered.
"...That's a lot. Holy water comes in perfume vials. This is a whole jug."
"With those tiny bottles, nothing works. For real effect, you need volume."
"You mean stronger warding and damage to monsters?"
"Exactly. Go on—try it."
"A-all right..."
He reached for the cap. Aegis and I retreated at speed.
The instant he opened it, a white mist billowed out.
"—Gah! The stench!"
He howled and doubled over. I pinched my nose. "A scent that powerfully repels monsters."
"This'll repel humans too! And the damage part—don't tell me..."
Half-lidding his eyes, he tilted the bottle.
"Ah—wait!"
Too late. A syrupy drop fell. It hit the carpet, hissed, and ate a smoking hole.
"Eek."
"Aah, look what you've done. Who's paying for the carpet?"
"My body nearly got a hole, you lunatic! Cut it—gah!?"
Aegis yanked him by the hair and dragged him close. "Lesson one for third-rate heroes: mind your tongue. Now lick the carpet clean."
"Stay, Aegis! Stay!"
"Grrrrr..."
I pried her off before she bit him. Gram shook like a little mouse. Poor thing.
"What is that rabid dog!? She's not normal!"
"In short," I said, "what harms monsters also harms people."
"If you know that, don't make me test it! You're terrifying, you know that?"
"So instead of boosting the old effects, I designed a new one." I nodded to Aegis.
She produced another bottle and pressed it into his hands. The liquid inside shone a clear gold. I recited the virtues beside him.
"Prototype No. 34. Common name: DCS. A supreme holy water that raises every physical parameter—stamina, mana, raw strength. Injecting it directly into a vein multiplies the effect several times. Please, go ahead."
"'Go ahead'? Can you even call that holy water anymore? Buff potions already exist. And I've never given myself a shot."
"True. It isn't casual enough. Also, brewing takes seven days and nights. Costly ingredients, lots of labor. Not a major issue, but pushing for stronger effects... there were side effects."
"That's a major issue! What's in it? And what does DCS even stand for?"
"Can't say. Anyway, here's the refined version with the... troublesome components removed."
Aegis produced yet another bottle and shoved it at him. It looked like DCS, only clearer.
"Ugh..."
He held it, but didn't open it.
"Drink," I said. "Don't worry. No sketchy ingredients."
"So the last one did have them! I don't trust a word—"
"...Aegis."
On my cue, Aegis cupped his cheeks, forcing his mouth open. His mouth puckered like an octopus.
"St—sthap—!"
I tipped the bottle and poured the holy water into his octopus mouth.
"Guh—ugh—! Cough, cough!"
He hacked, but finished the bottle. Hands on the ruined carpet, he panted hard.
"Well?" I asked.
His bloodshot eyes flew open. His lips trembled. His whole body shuddered—and from deep in his gut came a voice.
"D... delicious!"
Word of the new holy water spread fast. It stayed tasty even cold, and if you tossed in meat from whatever monster you'd just felled, it made a hot, hearty soup. Among heroes, it became the field ration of choice—warming hands, steadying breath, and, for a moment, sweetening even the reek that still lingered in our church carpet.
Notes:
• Gram - a male thug-like hero who frequently forgets to pay resurrection fees, occasionally snaps and tries to kill Julius, yet kind to children.
• Aegis - a female red-haired holy knight in silver armor, harsh to others and herself but shows weakness to Julius, to whom she swore loyalty, leads the Secret Police Squad.