"Hello......."
His voice was as low and worn down as his appearance.
"Hello. Are you a doctor, by any chance?"
"How did you know...?"
"I can tell just from your nickname. You look completely haggard. Were you on night duty?"
"How did you know that too!?"
"Are you planning to hand in what's in your pocket?"
At my question, he drew a deep breath.
"...How much can you see?"
"All of it."
"You really are the real deal."
"Thank you."
A silence followed.
He wasn't saying anything, and at times like this I have to take the lead.
"How long have you been carrying it around?"
"About three months now."
"You agonized over it for three months, but you never handed it in."
"Yes......."
When I looked a little deeper into him, he was sitting alone in a hospital corridor.
Was it a corridor people rarely passed through?
It might be a refuge of his own.
He was holding his phone in his hand, watching my broadcast, and when I checked the name tag pinned to his coat, it read Pediatrics.
Pediatrics.
I had heard that as application rates for pediatric residencies plummeted, professors at university hospitals often ended up pulling all-night duty themselves, and it seemed he was no exception.
Judging from the state of him alone, he looked like a man who hadn't gone home in over a week.
And what about the conditions?
I knew that compared to other departments the reimbursement rates were low and the profitability poor, while the legal liability for unexpected treatment outcomes was extremely heavy, making it hard to endure on a sense of duty alone.
"Pediatrics must be very hard."
"......."
There was no answer, but he didn't have to say it for me to know.
Because I couldn't even imagine how hard it must be.
When I looked into his past, I saw a medical school, and a younger version of him was sitting at a desk, studying.
An hour. Two hours.
He had been studying endlessly when the sound of a child crying outside made him stop, and he turned his head to look out the window.
"WAAAAAH!"
Looking at the child crying outside, his expression was that of a man making up his mind.
When the scene moved on to the next, it was his days as a pediatric resident.
A child sitting in a chair was crying, and he crouched down in front of the child and asked.
"Ayeon, where does it hurt?"
When the child pointed at her stomach while crying, he smiled and took a candy out of his pocket.
"Shall I give our Ayeon a present?"
The moment the child took the candy and her crying stopped dead, he pressed the stethoscope to the child's stomach.
"It's cold, isn't it? Sorry."
The child laughed, perhaps because it tickled, and watching her, he laughed along with her.
That right there was his true self.
Returning to the present, I looked again at him sitting alone in the corridor.
"I hear pediatrics has low reimbursement rates and is a department people avoid."
"That's right. These days it isn't just one or two pediatric clinics closing down."
―Pediatrics disappearing is a seriously huge problem
―Right, the pediatric clinic in my neighborhood closed down too
―When your kid gets sick the ER is the only option
―I'm just glad you're holding on, Doctor
"Still, you must have a reason for holding on."
"...It's because of the children."
"The children?"
"When I see the children, I can hold on. But......."
I asked him as he let his words trail off.
"But?"
"I don't know how much longer I can hold on."
When I looked into the future, I saw two scenes.
The first was a scene of him collapsing.
In the hospital director's office, the director told him he would reduce his night duty, but Doctor Lee Gangmin shook his head.
"I'm fine. I have children under my care."
"Doctor Lee......."
"I'm really fine."
After leaving the director's office, he stood night duty as usual and stayed up through the night.
How many days passed like that?
He was walking down a corridor alone when he simply crumpled, and there was no one nearby.
With no way to call for help, only his phone kept ringing.
[Doctor Lee Gangmin, a patient's guardian is looking for you.]
[Doctor Lee Gangmin, the child you treated the other day is.......]
[Doctor Lee Gangmin.......]
A nurse who happened to be passing through the corridor found him, and he was rushed to the emergency room.
"Doctor! Doctor Lee Gangmin!"
I could see his face as he lay in the emergency room, but his complexion was far too pale, and anyone at all would say it did not look good.
As a result.
[Notice: Temporary Suspension of Care Due to the Attending Physician's Deteriorating Health]
A nurse put up the notice, and when a parent who had come in carrying a child read it, her expression crumbled.
"My baby, what am I going to do about my baby......."
The child was whimpering in her mother's arms, burning with fever.
'So this is the future where he holds on until he collapses.'
The scene disappeared and the second future came into view.
Exactly as in the first future, the hospital director was in his office telling him he would reduce his night duty.
"Starting this month I'd like to cut down the number of your night shifts. And use your monthly leave. Take all of it you haven't been able to use, all at once."
Lee Gangmin hesitated a moment, then nodded.
"...Thank you."
The expression on his face as he left the director's office was a complete one-eighty from before.
He still looked tired, but he wasn't worn down, and he didn't look like a man about to collapse.
A few days later.
When he went into the examination room, a child came in as if she had been waiting.
The instant his eyes met the child's, he rose from his seat and crouched down to the child's eye level.
"Now, where does it hurt that brought our Miran here?"
When the child pointed at her own stomach, he took a candy from his pocket again and pressed it snugly into the child's hand.
And then he pressed the stethoscope to the child's stomach.
"It's cold, isn't it? Sorry."
The same scene as the first time.
But his expression was the same as when he first came to pediatrics.
The moment he finished the consultation, he took off his coat with an unburdened look and headed home.
"Maybe I'll try Sunset Campground today."
I saw him working at an easy pace without clinging to the hospital, and this was exactly the way to keep working for a long time.
I opened my eyes and spoke.
"Doctor."
"Yes."
"Why did you choose pediatrics?"
"...Because I like children."
"Since when?"
"Since my clinical rotations at university. The first time I met a child at the hospital, I loved the way the child smiled."
"Do you still feel that way now?"
"Yes."
A completely different voice from the man who had been hesitating a moment ago.
The instant I heard that voice, I nodded.
"Then it's fine."
"It's fine?"
"Yes. As long as that first feeling is still there, it's fine."
―As long as that first feeling is still there, it's fine
―I think that's exactly right
―Thank you, Doctor
―Thank you for holding on
―It reminds me of my kid's pediatrician
"Let me tell you just one thing."
"Yes."
"If you want to hand in your resignation, you can."
"...Sorry?"
"Enduring isn't always the answer. You're a human being too."
"If I quit, the children......."
"That isn't your fault."
Pediatrics becoming a shunned department wasn't the doctors' fault.
"It's good if you hold on. But you mustn't hold on until you collapse."
"......."
"So if you want to do this for a long time, take it easy. That's better for the children too."
To run for a long time, you have to set down a certain amount of the burden.
"Do you have a hobby, Doctor?"
"When I was at university I liked going camping, but I haven't gone even once since I started working at the hospital."
"Because you don't have the time?"
"Yes."
"Then try going camping this weekend."
"But my night duty......."
Here I had to push through firmly.
"Doctor."
"Yes."
"You can swap your night duty with another doctor."
"That isn't easy to do."
"If that's difficult, start with a half day off."
"A half day?"
"If you can't change it all at once, you change it step by step. Shall we start with a half day?"
Use a half day first, then annual leave, slowly stretching it out from there.
What he needed right now was rest.
"Take a half day, go home, eat something delicious, and sleep deeply. That's the way to hold on for a long time."
"...Would that really be all right?"
"Of course. Please think of your own body first. If you collapse, pediatrics disappears."
―Starting with a half day is the right call
―You give up when you try to change everything at once
―You start with the small stuff
―Take your half day, Doctor
"And Doctor."
"Yes."
"When you leave work today, take the resignation letter with you."
"Sorry?"
"You'll need it."
At my cryptic words I saw him tilt his head, but before long he nodded.
"Understood."
"You've got this, Doctor."
"Yes. Thank you."
He answered in a voice slightly changed from the beginning, and left the room.
―Thank you, Doctor
―Make sure you go camping
―I can't stop thinking about how it's fine as long as that first feeling is still there
―Take it easy, Doctor
***
A certain hospital located in Seoul.
Lee Gangmin finished his night duty and headed for the changing room.
"Whew."
When he opened his cabinet with a sigh, there were photographs stuck to the mirror.
The mirror was covered in photos taken with children, and looking at them brought out a smile on its own.
After gazing at the photos for a while, he took off his coat, and the resignation letter that had been in the pocket dropped to the floor with a light thud.
He hurriedly picked it up, and the words the shaman had said came to mind.
'You'll need it.'
He had no idea what it meant.
He changed his clothes and opened the changing room door, and the department head was waiting in front of it.
"Doctor Lee."
"Yes, sir."
"Sorry about this, but could we talk for a moment? I know I shouldn't be stopping a man on his way home, but well......."
"It's fine."
"Thank you."
The place he arrived at, following the department head, was the hospital director's office.
When he opened the door and went inside, the director greeted him warmly.
"Doctor Lee, it's been a while."
"Hello, Director."
"Yes. Come, sit down."
At the director's gesture Lee Gangmin sat down on the sofa, and the department head sat beside him.
The director sat across from them, and his eyes were full of worry as he looked at him.
"Things must be very hard these days?"
"No, sir."
"You can be honest with me. I called you in already knowing everything."
At the director's words, Lee Gangmin paused a moment, then nodded.
"I'm fine."
"I know it all. I know that everyone has a hard time of it and still can't bring themselves to say so."
A silence followed.
"Pediatrics especially is severe. You're carrying almost the whole thing by yourself."
"......."
"So starting this month I'd like to cut down the number of your night shifts. Other departments will fill in where you're absent."
At the director's words he froze right where he sat.
"Is that... true?"
"Hahaha, do you think I'd call in a man who's already exhausted just to joke with him? And use your monthly leave properly. Starting next month you can take everything you haven't used, all at once."
At the director's offer, Lee Gangmin's lips parted and closed.
"The children under my care......."
The words shot out reflexively.
They were words he had never once dared to hope for, even while carrying a resignation letter in his coat for three months.
But in that moment a familiar voice brushed past his ear.
'Enduring isn't always the answer. You're a human being too.'
'So if you want to do this for a long time, take it easy. That's better for the children too.'
The shaman's voice filled Lee Gangmin's head, and after keeping his mouth shut for a long while, he carefully opened it.
"...Thank you."
The instant the words left him, his throat closed up.
"Don't thank me. I should have looked after you sooner."
When the director and the department head rose from their seats, Lee Gangmin sprang up as well.
"Go home quickly and get plenty of rest."
"I'll head out first, then."
He finished his farewells, left the director's office, and put his hand in his pocket, where he felt the resignation letter.
'You'll need it.'
...So that was what it had meant.
Did it mean not that he would need the resignation letter, but that he would come to know he didn't have to hand it in?
When Lee Gangmin threw the resignation letter into the trash can at the end of the corridor, a feeling both unburdened and exhilarating came over him for the first time in three months.
But the moment he came to his senses, he pulled the resignation letter back out of the trash can.
'...If I throw it away here and someone actually sees it, I'm finished.'
He put the resignation letter back in his pocket and took out his phone instead, searching for campgrounds nearby.
"Maybe I'll go this weekend."
The very moment a picture-perfect smile was spreading across his lips.
[Code Blue. Code Blue. Doctor Lee Gangmin, please come to the emergency room immediately. Code Blue. Code Blue.]
At the announcement ringing out, he hurriedly shoved his phone into his pocket and started running toward the emergency room.
***
"All right, then, I'll do one last person and wrap up today's broadcast here."
―Anon has donated 1,000 won!―
[Jinwoo, what are you talking about?]
―Anon has donated 1,000 won!―
[When the tide comes in, row!!!!!]
―Anon has donated 1,000 won!―
[One is far too few. Pray, do two.]
"...Then I'll do two more and go."
―You saw that?
―Kuuuu, that's our boy!
―I believed in you!
―Yeah, I'm the one getting a consultation
―Move over, bro, you bastard
I grinned as I watched the chat window scrolling up rapidly.
"Taking the first two! Just 10,000 won!"
―MangoBeatenTenTimesTastesGreat has donated 10,000 won!―
[Me!!!!!]
―OrderedOneCupOfCoffee has donated 10,000 won!―
[Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!]
This time the nicknames were at least fairly normal.
"Mango, come on in."
A man's voice came through along with a DING!
"Hello."
"Good to have you. What's troubling you?"
"I'm actually preparing to start a business."
Ah, so it's a business worry.
"But a friend offered to go into partnership with me, and I'm torn over whether to accept."
―A friend offered to be his business partner?
―DON'T DO IIIIIT!!!!!!
―That's a no!!!!!!
―KYAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!
...The viewers' reaction isn't looking good.
I closed my eyes and looked into his future.