Lin Xigu was typing away on his computer when the WeChat notification popped up on his screen.
He glanced at it. Zhou Tongtong had just posted in the group chat:
Hey y’all, I’ll be in town this week. Let’s meet up?
Qi Guangxin had replied “Bet” and followed up with an emoji.
Sounds good.
Mhm!
There were five people in the chat, Lin Xigu included. Apart from him, the other four all confirmed their attendance.
Everyone in the group chat was a master’s student and shared the same thesis advisor. Zhou Tongtong was their xuejie[1] who had also been their mentor in the early days of the program. The other three were Lin Xigu’s peers from the same cohort. He was on good terms with all of them.
Lin Xigu thought for a second, then asked,
Jie, what day are you coming back on?
Zhou Tongtong @ mentioned him in her reply.
Thursday evening! Do you have time this weekend, Xiao-Xigu?
Lin Xigu replied:
I can’t make it this week, Jie. I already have plans for the rest of the week.
He fired off a few more messages to the group and sent Zhou Tongtong a private message, along with a virtual red envelope.[2] It would be Zhou Tongtong’s first time coming home in more than six months since moving abroad, and she would only be in the country for a week. Strictly speaking, Lin Xigu should have made room in his calendar to see her no matter what. Zhou Tongtong had always been incredibly supportive, so it didn’t seem right to not even show his face at her homecoming.
But that week was out of the question.
Lin Xigu had just exited the chat when someone tapped him on the shoulder. “Are you finished your part of the quarterly report, Xiao-Lin?”
Lin Xigu looked up to see his coworker standing over him. He smiled awkwardly. “I’m almost done. I’m sorry, something else came up this afternoon that I had to deal with. If you’re done early, go ahead and submit. Don’t wait up.”
“Alright then, I’ll get mine sent in. Then if the boss has any questions, I’ll at least get a chance to revise.”
Lin Xigu nodded. “Sounds good.”
Lin Xigu was three months into his current internship. He was on the strategic planning team within the marketing department of an international corporation. It was a company of considerable size and influence. Many of the execs were foreigners and their meetings were usually held in English. Although, strictly speaking, the role was for a project planner, he performed every menial task in between. Anyone who couldn’t finish their tasks usually delegated them to the interns. That year, all the interns had been assigned to the planning team.
Although it was not the field that Lin Xigu had majored in, he didn’t hate the job. He found it quite interesting, once he got the hang of it. In any case, he wasn’t interested in keeping the job, nor was he planning to stay in the city. It was all the same to him. He had only applied for the internship to keep himself busy and load up his free time with things to do.
After completing his share of the work, he printed everything out and brought it to his manager’s office.
“Jie,[3] I’m finished with the report. I’ll leave it on your desk. If you have any questions, please let me know; I’m open to any changes that need to be made.”
His manager was focusing intently on her monitor and didn’t bother looking up. “I’ll review in a few. I don’t think there will be any issues. I’m going to send you another doc in a sec. Please turn it into a PowerPoint and send it back to me; I’ll need it for tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be long. 20 slides should do it.”
Lin Xigu nodded. “No problem.”
“Hop to it then. I figure you won’t be able to finish everything today, but no rush. It’s fine if you can get it to me before noon tomorrow.”
“Understood, Jie,” Lin Xigu replied.
His manager was a highly capable woman in her thirties. She was on the stern side and very ambitious, but she had yet to secure a promotion to a directorial role, which was not for a lack of trying. She could occasionally be a little overbearing, although she always treated Lin Xigu with relative kindness.
Noticing that Lin Xigu was still standing there, his manager lifted her head and glanced at him. “Anything else?”
Lin Xigu nodded. “I wanted to ask about taking a vacation day.”
His manager raised her eyebrows. “When? And the reason being…?”
“The day after tomorrow… Friday, I mean. It’s personal. I’d like to take the full day off.”
His manager studied him for a while, hesitating. “If it’s not an emergency, I would prefer it if you could come into work this Friday. The CEO wants the full report next Monday, as you know, and we’ll have to run our presentation by the director at least once before the weekend. There are too many moving pieces to track, too many documents to prepare.”
If anyone else had requested a vacation day, their manager wouldn’t have bothered with such a detailed refusal. Overtime was exceedingly common at their company and many people didn’t even have weekends off. If anyone else had asked, his manager probably would have flat out refused without a word of explanation.
But she’d smiled at Lin Xigu as she spoke, her tone still friendly. She had always been appreciative of Lin Xigu. He got things done quickly and didn’t require much supervision. He was definitely the most dependable employee out of all her interns.
What was not to like about a smart, upstanding young man like that?
It was Lin Xigu’s first time requesting time off. He usually leapt at any chance to do overtime, so it was rare for him to insist. “I’m sorry, Jie, but it really is an emergency. If it helps, I’m willing to stay late the next two days and finish everything I can before then?”
His manager raised her eyebrows. “And if I said I still won’t allow it?”
“Then I just won’t show up,” Lin Xigu answered swiftly without hesitation, “I can’t make Friday work.”
Lin Xigu usually said yes to anything she asked. It was the first time she had seen him so adamant about anything. She chuckled. “Alright, get out of here.”
Lin Xigu thanked her and walked out of the office, closing the door behind him.
It was a good thing his manager had granted him the day off without further questioning. If she had pressed him any harder, Lin Xigu might have just impulsively quit on the spot.
Although it would have been irresponsible, and perhaps a little selfish, he really did have somewhere he needed to be on Friday.
Wild horses couldn’t drag him away. Nothing could get in his way.
Truthfully, Lin Xigu had been forcing himself to not think about it. Whenever his mind started to drift in that direction, he would quickly push it aside. Such thoughts were off-limits—if he gave in, he knew he’d be unable to get anything done.
For instance, he had woken up that morning with the realization that there were only two more nights until Friday. His hand had then proceeded to shake violently the rest of the morning while he brushed his teeth and ate breakfast.
His hand had been shaking so hard that he couldn’t even hold his coffee.
He worked until 9 p.m., then went home, took a shower, and lay down in bed without doing much else. Lin Xigu closed his eyes, releasing all thoughts from his brain. His phone vibrated every so often. Perhaps it was the WeChat group, or a push notification from another app, but he didn’t have any desire to look at his phone.
30 more hours to go.
Lin Xigu squeezed his eyes shut. His nerves were numb with longing.
He had originally thought he would lose all ability to focus on Thursday and would instead move through the day like a zombie. But he proved himself wrong.
That day, he worked his butt off, making three separate slide decks, typing up several documents, and completing every task on his to-do list. Then, he clocked out on time.
He drove for a little over an hour to the supermarket in the north end of the city where he proceeded to fill the backseat and trunk of his car with groceries. On the drive back, there was an accident on the bridge, and he was stuck sitting in traffic for another 40 minutes.
He had to make four round trips to move all the grocery bags from the parking lot to his apartment. On his final trip up, Lin Xigu checked his watch. It was nearly 11 p.m.
He laughed to himself, wiping sweat from his chin with the back of his hand.
The day was almost over. Perfect.
He didn’t sleep a wink that night. He spent the first half of the night putting away everything he had bought and making sure everything was in the right place. He tossed the new clothes he had purchased into the washing machine and ran a hot cycle, then dried the laundry, folded everything, and put them away.
The fridge was stocked full. There was no room left for even a water bottle.
For the latter half of the night, he sat awake on the couch, watching the digital clock on the shoe rack by the door and counting down the minutes. When he had counted to 4 a.m., he stood and took a shower, then got dressed and put on his shoes.
It was just before 8 a.m. when he pulled up in his car. Lin Xigu parked the car at the gate. Staring at the razor wire on top of the wall, Lin Xigu was suddenly startled. How did I even get here?
He couldn’t remember.
The weather was usually cool in September but the day was unseasonably hot.
Lin Xigu stood at the gate, sweating. His button-down was glued uncomfortably to his back. He stood with his back straight, his shoulders set, not daring to relax his stance for even a second.
After a while, Lin Xigu realized he was probably standing just as straight as the guard manning the gate.
There was a mother and son standing not too far away from where he was. The mother looked to be under 40, her son around seven or eight years old.
The mother was berating her son, “Just look at your posture. Do you see how straight that Shushu[4] is standing?”
Lin Xigu smiled at them.
Of course I have to stand tall, he thought to himself.
I have to look my best to welcome home the boy I once called mine.
My beloved.[5]
At 8:45, the doors opened.
A tremor ran down Lin Xigu’s tensed body, but it wasn’t the person he was waiting for. The mother beside him was the one who burst into tears instead.
Lin Xigu sighed. What was there to cry about? It was supposed to be a happy occasion.
A drop of sweat dripped down his neck and crawled slowly into the collar of his shirt. It itched a little. Lin Xigu raised his hand to wipe it away and in that instant, he saw someone else step through the doorway.
His hand froze in place and stopped moving entirely.
The familiar outfit was instantly recognizable. He had delivered it only a month before, had instructed the correctional officer, “Here are a few outfits for him to choose from. He can wear whatever he likes. You can toss the rest.”
Their eyes met. Seeing those beautiful eyes again rattled Lin Xigu the way it had years ago.
The same pair of eyes which was carved into his soul was staring straight at him.
Lin Xigu closed the gap between them in a few large strides.
He was so confident in his stance—there was even a smile playing at the corner of his lips—but when he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t finish his sentence. After just one word, his voice faltered and he was unable to continue. “You…”
The man was tanned, and he was no longer as thin as he had been. He looked healthy, sturdy.
But he was still him, was still as beautiful as ever. The moment Lin Xigu laid eyes on him, he wanted to immediately award him 120 points.
She Xiao’s eyes were focused solely on him—his eyes, his lips. There was too much emotion lurking in those eyes. Lin Xigu bit his lip and bowed his head, forcing himself not to cry, trying his best to muster a smile.
They stood across from each other, neither saying a word.
It was She Xiao who moved first. He slowly raised his hand to Lin Xigu’s ear and gently squeezed his earlobe.
That one small gesture alone made Lin Xigu unravel completely.
A teardrop crashed to the ground, leaving a stain on the asphalt road.
Five years and three months.
Of that, more than three years were a complete blank. They had not seen each other in a long time.
Lin Xigu kept his head lowered, concealing the panic and longing that had accumulated over the years until they had assimilated into the marrow of his bones. He dug his nails into his knuckles, pressing so hard that he nearly drew blood.
His voice was hoarse with emotion. The first thing he said was, “I’ve grown up.”
His voice was still easy on the ears, still swept across She Xiao’s heart the same way. It was still soft, and cautious as Lin Xigu ventured carefully—
“Do you still like me?”
[1] 学姐 – Lit. “School” or “study” + “Older sister”. A common form of address for senior female schoolmates.
[2] Small amounts of cash that can be sent electronically for special occasions or just for the heck of it, mimicking the function of an irl red envelope.
[3] As his manager is an older woman, “Jie” is also a polite way to address her, but note that his manager and Zhou Tongtong are not the same person.
[4] 叔叔 / Uncle. Typically used to address older, adult men. It’s notable that she is calling Lin Xigu “Shushu” instead of “Gege”, i.e. “older brother” (if only in relation to the age of the small child).
[5] 爱人, ai/ren, literally “person I love”. I was unable to settle on a translation that delivers the same impact it has in the source text. Airen is typically reserved for spouses and is a somewhat old-fashioned term that older adults use more often than younger adults. You would not call a typical boyfriend/girlfriend your airen, even if you have been dating for a while, and it’s also slightly unusual for someone in their twenties to use this term. To me, the term implies a deeper sense of commitment.