I’m not the boy who sat beside you in high school anymore. I’ve gotten taller, and I probably look a little worse for wear.
I’ve been missing from your life for five years.
So, after everything, do you still like me?
Lin Xigu seemed to deflate after asking the question. He couldn’t make himself look up at She Xiao. He was afraid to see hesitation in She Xiao’s eyes, or flat out rejection.
Not hearing a response, Lin Xigu’s heart slowly sank. It was a warm day, but his heart took on a chill which pooled in his feet. He was terrified and didn’t want to continue down the path of questioning.
He kept his head bowed, his shoulders shaking against his will, until She Xiao’s hand found the back of his head and pressed Lin Xigu firmly against his shoulder, wrapping him in his arms.
The scent that belonged solely to She Xiao overwhelmed Lin Xigu’s senses. In that instant, the bungee cord of nerves that he had kept stretched to the limit for more than five years suddenly snapped.
The person holding him was She Xiao. He was real. It wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t a delusion. He existed, truly existed, his presence so real that Lin Xigu could even feel the tremble in the arms holding him.
Lin Xigu closed his eyes and buried his face against She Xiao’s body, feeling She Xiao’s fingers caress his hair.
She Xiao brushed his lips against his ear, “Don’t be scared.”
He was so close, it sounded as though he were speaking from inside his skull.
It was only three words, but one side of Lin Xigu’s body had gone numb and tingly. It was only three words, but he felt suddenly reassured.
Don’t be scared.
No worrying.
It was She Xiao.
When he finally looked up, his eyes were swollen. She Xiao thumbed his tears away.
Looking at him, his voice nasally with emotion, Lin Xigu said in a low voice, “Let’s go home.”
She Xiao smiled at him and captured Lin Xigu’s hand in his own. There was a gentle yet firm strength in the gesture.
Perhaps it was because he had too much to say. For the past several years, not a day passed where Lin Xigu didn’t find countless things he wanted to share with She Xiao. Even while sleeping, he would sometimes wake up feeling parched because he had been talking so much to the person in his dreams. However, now that his dream visitor was sitting beside him, Lin Xigu was quite at a loss for words.
He grabbed the bag of breakfast items he had bought beforehand which had been sitting on the backseat of his car and offered it to She Xiao. “You… you haven’t had breakfast yet, yeah?”
Lin Xigu thought he was rather embarrassing himself. He couldn’t even remember how to speak.
“I was too early, so most of the shops weren’t open yet. I…” Lin Xigu started the engine. He cleared his throat, “Ahem, I just picked a random place that was open at the time. I was worried you wouldn’t like what I picked so… there may be a little too much food.”
She Xiao didn’t respond; he only studied him with his eyes. “Hot?”
“Mn?” Lin Xigu blinked. “What was that?”
She Xiao ran his finger down Lin Xigu’s neck, then repeated himself. “You’re hot?”
“Mn, yeah…” The invisible trail She Xiao’s finger left behind tingled. Lin Xigu took out a napkin and blotted his neck with it. “It’s quite… quite warm today. I’m sweating.”
Lin Xigu knew this route like the back of his hand. It was so familiar that he was sure he’d be able to drive home blindfolded. For several years, this had been his favourite drive to make, because She Xiao was at the other end of it. Even after She Xiao refused to meet him, Lin Xigu would still drive there on occasion and park close to the prison gate; it was where he felt closest to She Xiao.
He would park there overnight and stay until dawn, just like he used to wait outside of She Xiao’s building, silently keeping him company through the night.
Lin Xigu forced himself to look straight ahead at the road, to not turn his head to look at She Xiao. His palms were drenched and he wiped them on his pants every now and then.
“Are you tired? You can sleep if you are,” Lin Xigu finally gave in and turned to glance at She Xiao. “There’s still two more hours to go until we get home. Why don’t you get some shut-eye. I’ll let you know once we arrive.”
She Xiao gave an almost imperceptible shake of the head. “Not tired.”
Lin Xigu made a sound of acknowledgement, then turned his focus to the road. Not ten minutes had passed before he asked again, “Is the A/C too high? Are you cold? Should I turn it down a little?”
“No,” She Xiao had leaned his head back against the headrest. Hearing the question, he turned his head to look at Lin Xigu. “Not cold.”
“Alright,” Lin Xigu nodded with a smile. “Then you… you just rest.”
She Xiao kept his gaze trained on him.
Lin Xigu couldn’t sit still under his watch. He bounced his legs. He wetted his lips. After a while, he coughed.
Lin Xigu spent most of the drive under She Xiao’s watchful stare. It was the first time he ever thought this stretch of freeway to be impossibly long, as if they would never reach the end of it.
When they finally rolled through the toll booth and exited the freeway, Lin Xigu let out a long sigh of relief.
“Tired?” She Xiao asked.
“No,” Lin Xigu shook his head, holding She Xiao’s gaze with a smile that reached all the way to his eyes. “Not tired at all. I’m incredibly happy.
“I’m so wonderfully, incredibly happy.”
She Xiao stayed in the same pose, his head lazing back against the passenger seat as he looked back at Lin Xigu with his head tilted to the side.
Lin Xigu’s smile hadn’t changed at all—radiant and sun-bright. She Xiao suddenly reached over and grasped Lin Xigu’s right hand.
Lin Xigu froze for a second, surprised, then immediately laced their fingers together, stroking She Xiao’s thumb with his own.
As for exactly how he was feeling at that moment, he couldn’t say.
Imagine if every cell in your body were in freefall. When the one thing you’ve spent your whole life waiting and praying for is finally presented to you, but you find yourself unexpectedly underprepared to handle the strange emotions overpowering you.
The only thing you can do is approach with caution and a careful touch.
Lin Xigu’s dad had bought the place for him when he first started university. He stayed there occasionally; it was close to the university campus. He continued holding She Xiao’s hand from the parking lot to the elevator and only let go to unlock the door.
Changing out of his shoes, he bent down and set out a pair of slippers for She Xiao to wear.
“Is it too warm in here? I’ll turn on the A/C. It might take a while to cool completely.” Lin Xigu handed him the homewear he had prepared. “You can wear these. They’ve already been washed. They’re quite… mn, they’re quite comfy.”
She Xiao went along quietly with whatever Lin Xigu said. He still did not like to speak and was as silent as ever.
“Oh, that’s right, do you want to wash up?” Lin Xigu asked. “How about a bath? I can run the water for you?”
She Xiao turned and walked wordlessly into the bathroom with his new clothes.
Lin Xigu sat down on the couch to wait. He hadn’t changed out of his outside clothes yet. After a while, he suddenly remembered something and set off to find underwear, which he grabbed from the bedroom dresser. He cracked open the bathroom door and slipped his hand through to hand the garment to She Xiao, saying timidly, “Put this on too… They’ve already been washed as well. It’s only right that we only wear new clothes today.”
She Xiao took it from him. His hands were wet. As soon as his fingers touched Lin Xigu’s, Lin Xigu recoiled.
He had missed She Xiao for far too long; he had become so sensitive that even the wet touch of a fingertip made him want to hide.
She Xiao took a shower and was wearing his new clothes when he stepped out. Lin Xigu orbited him, not letting his voice rest for even a moment. He asked about everything under the sun, still as talkative as ever. He was still very chatty and very… adorable.
He was adorable when he was 17. He was still adorable at 24.
“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu sat down next to him with his hands folded in his lap, a little nervous and a tad embarrassed. “I didn’t tell Ayi[1] you were coming back today. I… wanted to spend the next couple of days alone with you.”
“Mn,” She Xiao answered.
“Don’t be mad,” Lin Xigu glanced up at him, then ducked his head just as quickly. “It’s only because I…”
He swallowed the rest of his words and left the sentence unsaid.
In the end, the two of them didn’t do anything that day and spent the whole day inside. Lin Xigu’s fridge was so well-stocked that he could have made She Xiao three meals a day for a week without repeating a recipe.
He talked as if he would never tire.
“This phone’s for you. I got you a new SIM card as well; it’s already installed. Right now, my number’s the only one saved. You can add in the rest of your contacts later.” Lin Xigu rambled, handing the phone to She Xiao. “Have you read the manual I sent you? If you haven’t, I can find one. There’s another one lying around here somewhere.”
She Xiao shook his head. “No need. I’ve read it.”
“That’s good then,” Lin Xigu smiled.
Ever since She Xiao was first incarcerated, Lin Xigu had been sending him user manuals and instruction pamphlets for any new purchases. Even after their visits ceased, he continued to ask She Xiao’s mom to pass them along, worried that She Xiao would feel alienated from the world and its technology upon his release. He had even sent She Xiao the product handbook for his air purifier and robot vacuum.[2]
He did not want She Xiao to ever feel helpless and alone again.
“Are you tired?” Lin Xigu asked quietly, studying She Xiao’s eyes. “Are you sleepy?”
She Xiao shook his head. “No.”
Lin Xigu had offered She Xiao the bed where he usually slept. He lay on his stomach beside him, chattering nonstop. Only the floor lamp had been left on, its soft glow colouring the room with warmth.
“She Xiao, do you think I’m talking too much?” Lin Xigu scratched his nose, lowering his gaze.
She Xiao looked at him and for a long while, said nothing.
He was too quiet. He had only spoken a handful of words since Lin Xigu picked him up. In all honesty, this made Lin Xigu panic a little on the inside, as if he had jumped into the deep end and discovered that his feet couldn’t reach the bottom. He scrambled for anything to hold onto, so all he could do was talk to keep the connection from cooling.
After She Xiao had stewed in silence for so long that Lin Xigu finally looked up at him, She Xiao let out a low sigh and asked quietly, “Nervous?”
A little taken aback, Lin Xigu quickly shook his head. “Not at all.”
In truth, Lin Xigu had been in a heightened state of tension all day. He knew that he was probably behaving abnormally. He’d missed She Xiao so much and now She Xiao was there beside him. Anyone would have been acting strange.
But it was only after hearing She Xiao ask that Lin Xigu suddenly realized—he really was nervous.
He had been so nervous that his palms had not been dry even once that day; they had been clammy the entire time.
Why was he so nervous?
It should have been abundantly clear that everything would be okay now.
She Xiao didn’t speak; he only opened his arms. Lin Xigu sniffed and shuffled over, folding himself into his embrace. His hair was soft and fuzzy against She Xiao’s chin. It tickled a little and was comforting at the same time.
Clasping the person in his arms tightly, She Xiao patted Lin Xigu rhythmically on the small of his back.
All of a sudden, it was as if the five year gap that had separated them never existed.
In a flash, they were 18 again. On those few, coveted nights they had shared, Lin Xigu would tuck himself against She Xiao’s body the same way. Back then, She Xiao had softly and steadily patted him to sleep and would, for the whole night, be absorbed by the sight of the boy sleeping soundly in his arms.
She Xiao’s low voice brushed against his ear and it was then that Lin Xigu’s restless heart trulybegan to regain its calm.
Kissing his hair, She Xiao murmured, “I’m here. I haven’t changed. Don’t be nervous. Don’t be afraid.”[3]
[1] Lin Xigu is referring to She Xiao’s mom.
[2] Something about this is so funny to me. I’m just imagining She Xiao sitting in his cell, reading Roomba quickstart guides like bish, are you lowkey bragging about your robot vacuum to someone who can’t shop right now? Sorry, no more comments from the peanut gallery.
[3] There is a slight grammatical nuance here that is difficult to translate. Similar to how She Xiao says “no worrying” instead of “don’t worry” (and that’s not how it would directly translate but it’s hard to retain both the meaning and the syntax), his words share the same quirk here, i.e. 不紧张/不怕 instead of 别紧张/别怕/不要紧张/不要怕. I’m not entirely sure how to translate it without it sounding odder in English than it does in Chinese so I didn’t try.