“What?” I ask, even though I understood just fine. I can’t stop myself. My stomach still hasn’t stopped dropping. What does he mean, he got into Statehaven? All my plans, all my hopes, all my dreams crumple before me. If he is there, I won’t be able to transition — not without him knowing, anyway. And then everybody would know.
But he can’t know!
My insides convulse violently, but I force myself stiff.
The smile on Drew’s lips has vanished. His eyes won’t leave mine. “I also got into Statehaven,” he repeats uncertainly. “Aren’t you happy?”
Mechanically, my head cocks forward. “’Course I am. Just surprised is all.” What a miserable lie. My mouth feels like it’s made of parchment. It must be entirely obvious what I’m feeling. My heart is racing. I have to pull myself together if I don’t want to hurt him. But this… this is…
“Oh,” he says, forcing a laugh but sounding entirely sober.
“Why are you telling me so late?” It’s too late now to apply to other universities. It is too late, even, to change my mind and go to a different one that already accepted me. But this can’t possibly be his reasoning, can it?
“I only found out a few days ago.” He speaks slowly, as if wary of my reaction. “I didn’t make it in the first round, but then a space must have opened, so they did take me after all. Suffice to say, they don’t want me nearly as much as you.” He gives a nervous chuckle.
I watch him mutely. I want to force myself to laugh as well, but I feel much more like crying. Like sobbing and curling up in fetal position.
“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he says, shifting his weight. He pulls one knee up to his chest, leaving the other angled underneath him. I’m sure he imagined I would be overjoyed. The person he knows, Max, would be overjoyed.
But I am not.
“I will have to take remedial classes, to prove that I am good enough. But that means that I’ll be joining you over summer.”
Not even this. Not even this I could get. I feel hollow.
“That’s… great. We’re gonna have so much fun, aren’t we?” The joy in my voice comes out brittle. Then, “What did Sinéad say?”
His body stills. “I haven’t told her yet. Wanted you to know first, since it affects you the most.”
But… isn’t she his girlfriend? Isn’t she the first person who should ever know about something like this? A shiver runs through me and I avert my gaze. My palm is sweaty against the cover of the book they gave me for my birthday. The first poem that is already written in there echoes in my mind.
Please do not come looking for me;
Please put it to rest.
Please do not think ill of me,
I wish you all the best.
But now he’s coming with me. I will not be able to leave, not really. I will never have this clear cut.
And yet, at the same time, there is a much more selfish thought that gnaws at my insides. What if I… was happy with this? With the fact that I would have a reason to spend even more time with Drew, maybe move in with him… If Sinéad was too far away?
Drew checks his watch. “Hey, uhm. It’s getting a little late, I think I’m gonna head over and eat a little and then maybe go for a run.” A feeble excuse, and we both know it. Guilt tugs at my insides, because it is obvious that I was the one who killed the mood. I wish I could have reacted more energetically. I wish I was happy about this.
“Yeah, of course.” I can’t meet his eyes. “Have fun.”
“I hope you had a nice day today.” When I finally do look up, he has already turned away.
“I did.” At least this time, I’m speaking the truth. “Thank you for being there.” Read this novel at g.com for the best experience.
He leaves over the tree. I stay behind, feeling vaguely ill.
The sun is caressing the horizon. Golden light floods the street and the world around me is so beautiful that it is almost painful. I’m going to leave this behind. For years, all I could think about was getting away from this.
Amy said to look around as I left.
I open the notebook to a new page.
There is no air left in this town,
No space left to breathe.
I am running, my vision fading,
But this world will not let me go.
My chest is tight. Breathing through my nose is no longer enough. I have to open my mouth and take deep, deliberate breaths for the feeling to go away. But even once it is gone, I cannot stay up here. Not on this roof, where Drew and I grew up. Not in this house, not in this street, not in this town, where everybody knows the wrong me.
Suddenly in a hurry, I close the book and climb back into my room. I stuff it into a canvas bag alongside a bottle of water, then I leave. I meet nobody on my way down the street, but it feels like the windows have eyes. Like there is a hunger to this place and it hates to see me get away.
The trees have an immediate calming effect on me. The shade, the shift in the quality of the air, the song of birds and the wind in the leaves.
My steps slow, and so does my breathing. My thoughts unwind, but that does not stop them from circling endlessly.
What do I do now? Do I just accept it and wait for another few years before I can transition? Do I transfer to a different college, one where I do not have a scholarship, but where Drew won’t be accepted? Several Ivy League colleges accepted my applications, but they’re expensive. Is being happy a few years earlier worth a lifetime of debt?
Or do I tell him? Wait until we have moved away, then take him aside and get it over with? Do I transition without telling him, waiting for him to notice inevitably? That would mean living with that fear for months, possibly more. I already look so feminine, he might not even notice, depending on how much the hormones do. Drew is so unperceptive, would he even realize if I didn’t put on a skirt to prove the point?
I arrive at the waterfall as the gold in the air slowly gives way to twilight. I have the reflex, briefly, to climb the tree, but I know that I couldn’t get up on my own. Drew isn’t here to lift me. So I sit at the foot of the tree and watch the waterfall, allowing my eyes to get stuck on the hypnotizing pattern of cascading water.
The sight brings back the memory of earlier, when Drew was pulling me up the tree, when he was swinging me above the water, dropping me only when I was ready. I feel the afterimage of his hand against mine, and the thought of that pulls up the memory of his lips.
Like wind across the lake’s surface
My gaze shifts down to my hand. Slowly, I close my fingers into a fist, then release them. It’s not that I don’t like Drew. It’s not that I don’t want to spend the next four years with him.
It’s that I’m scared of what will happen if I do.
A thousand unspoken words
And still not an inch.
Because fuck, I’m in love, aren’t I? The kissing at the party made it undeniable, the confession to Lena confirmed it. I’m in love with my childhood friend, who’s in love with an amazing, popular, gorgeous girl. He doesn’t even know that I’m trans. He would never even consider me. Kissing me was a joke to him. He just committed to the bit!
I thought I had a clean break. I thought I could allow myself to come out of my shell, because soon it would be over anyway. But now it won’t be. Now everything is so unbelievably messy and the leaves caught in my ribcage won’t stop swirling in the strong autumn wind. The source of this chapter is g.com.
I wanted to forget him. I wanted this to end in a few weeks, so I could move on and fall for somebody that can’t cut me to pieces with a single look. Because this is what it comes down to, isn’t it? Risk. Drew is not just my best friend. Losing him would not just hurt. He is the foundation upon which I am built. The mere thought of him holds me up. If he willingly abandons me, or worse, actively hurts me…
The thought alone is enough to shake me.
If I’m being honest with myself, this is the reason why I longed to get away more than anything else. Not the knowledge that people would hurt me. Many of my friends have given no indication that they would do something like that. But after everything I went through, the mere possibility is enough to keep me silent. Because if they are so nice and accepting, but still cannot accept me, what does that say about me?
That I am unlovable?
The pen glides across a page I did not realize I opened.
Is this a one-way mirror,
I wonder, staring through the glass.
Can you see me
Or is it just the reflection of your expectations
That you call friend?
I stare at the words until the slanted script shifts out of focus. What do I do now?
I flip back to the first page and feel love and fear swirl in my stomach as Drew laughs at me from the page. The drawing is perfect. It shows the light in his smile that radiates outwards, the freckles that I could spend hours counting, the laughter that shines in his eyes. I could get lost in this picture almost as much as in his real face. It could have been a perfect memory of him.
I will not tell him, I realize. I cannot. I will bear it and probably run away if the problem does not solve itself.
Another new page opens itself and words flow onto thick paper.
Paint me in grays to understate
The influence of sunshine rays
I wonder where your gaze will stray
Before the paint becomes a cage.
I lie to you, I lie in bed,
At night I play a different game,
But it’s too late, the rules are set
To you I will remain the same.
I return home when it’s already dark. I spent hours by the waterfall, writing poems, listening to the static of the water, the song of birds… it did not change my mind. As I lie in bed, the window open, I still feel that same hollowness in my chest. Hopefully, I’ll manage to be more positive about this tomorrow. I still like Drew, after all. So being around him is not just a negative. Maybe it’ll even be nice.